About break-up threads...

[trillionaire]

This has been on my mind, and I was wondering what others thought as well...

Breakup threads are very bittersweet for me. I love to see all of the support and love that the OP recieves, but I also dislike and disagree how negative and vicious the bashing of the exes become. (by others that is, the OP can bash all she wants!

)

I have been with my SO for 5.5 years, and I love him, and he is my best friend. If we were to break up, I would be devestated and upset, and would like to be able to come to a place like PS for support in a tough time. However listening to people denigrate my ex, listening to people dissect his every word and action and interpret it with malice, someone that I loved for years and years would be very hurtful. A situation can ''not work out'' without the ex being the worst person in the world. And even if that person precipitated the break up, it does not mean that they aren''t hurting too, or that they are not confused or regretful. It''s a tough time for everyone. People are not perfect, they have not memorized psychology books. They don''t always say/do the rights things, or even know the right things to say/do, especially when they are emotional. And we all know that men are not mind readers, so waiting for them to come back and apologize and say that ''one magical thing'', seems somewhere in the realm of unrealistic.

We see time and again that posters come on here with stories about break-ups and tense situations, and many people get back with their exes after pages of their SO being bashed and maligned. I would love to think that the wonderful and intelligent and supportive women (and men) here on PS could support posters without being vicious to and about the ''ex''. I don''t personally feel that it is my job to judge the people, when typically we are just asked to evaluate the situation or offer advice or support.

I am in total support of women having the ''cajones'' to stand up in their relationships and get what they want and need, including walking away, I just don''t agree that it is necessary to demonize the man to do it. A strong woman can walk away from a wonderful man, just because he is not meeting her needs, period.

Anyway, just wanted to put that out there because I often feel that way when I read break-up and timeline threads. Feel free to agree or disagree.

 

[fieryred33143]

That''s the thing about how you support someone and what kind of support you would like to receive. It''s all subjective. You may appreciate support that doesn''t throw your ex under the bus. While others want someone else to hate him also just so they don''t feel alone.

I try to give my honest opinion no matter what. I wouldn''t tell someone something about their ex that I wouldn''t be comfortable with in the event they get back together. If your guy is a jerk and has been a jerk for quite some time, I''ll most likely say ''you dumped a jerk, good for you'' when you break up. If it was a good relationship but bad timing and I believe the guy is a good one, then I would say something along the lines of ''I hope you can find the happiness you deserve and things will get better in time.''

As far as PS goes, we only know what has been provided in threads/posts over the time that person has been a member. If that person posts a history of behavior that is unacceptable in a relationship and then tells us of a nasty break up, I think more people will be inclined to say good riddance and think poorly of the guy.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/14/2009 4:31:06 PM
Author: fieryred33143

As far as PS goes, we only know what has been provided in threads/posts over the time that person has been a member. If that person posts a history of behavior that is unacceptable in a relationship and then tells us of a nasty break up, I think more people will be inclined to say good riddance and think poorly of the guy.

I think the subsequent bashing posts are highly dependent on the tone and content of the OP''s post. If she lists all of the things he''s ever said or done to hurt her, of course we are inclined to let her know that she does not deserve a chump like that. If she comes on and says ''we broke up...things weren''t working out...'' then we can only offer condolences.

Of course it sucks to have strangers insulting the person you once loved but I think many people that post about their break-ups are looking for affirmation that they''ve done the right thing and they''re walking away from a person who is undeserving of their love...and the support is often provided by bashing his ACTIONS (which we are provided some information about) not the actual person.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/14/2009 4:31:06 PM
Author: fieryred33143
That''s the thing about how you support someone and what kind of support you would like to receive. It''s all subjective. You may appreciate support that doesn''t throw your ex under the bus. While others want someone else to hate him also just so they don''t feel alone.


I try to give my honest opinion no matter what. I wouldn''t tell someone something about their ex that I wouldn''t be comfortable with in the event they get back together. If your guy is a jerk and has been a jerk for quite some time, I''ll most likely say ''you dumped a jerk, good for you'' when you break up. If it was a good relationship but bad timing and I believe the guy is a good one, then I would say something along the lines of ''I hope you can find the happiness you deserve and things will get better in time.''


As far as PS goes, we only know what has been provided in threads/posts over the time that person has been a member. If that person posts a history of behavior that is unacceptable in a relationship and then tells us of a nasty break up, I think more people will be inclined to say good riddance and think poorly of the guy.

totally agree with this. I think that it really depends on the poster-some people would like the "lets all bitch about the ex" posts and feel that''s what they need whereas others wouldn''t. I think you can normally get the feel off the persons post.

 

[princesss]

In a true break-up, I'll admit it, I'm an ex-basher. They don't have to be a bad guy. Heck, most of the time, break-ups are more a matter of "Not right for me" than they are a problem with the actual person. But ex bashing gets through an important stage. Often people run back into bad relationships pretty quickly after the break up. I've done it once. All I did was focus on the good and the wonderful and the sweet. I needed to work on getting over him, and a few girlfriends to say, "Hey he was an idiot. Remember how he could never actually commit to doing something with you? How he always said, 'I'll try', which was code for 'I won't bother to try, but it's important to you, so I'll pretend?'" I needed to be reminded of the bad/annoying/frustrating parts so I didn't go running back to a relationship that wasn't right for me. It's not that my ex is a bad guy, it's that he was a terrible match for me.

In a "break" situation, I listen. No talking, I just listen. Because that's not a break-up. That's the time for making up your mind, and I don't want to sway that. But an actual break up signals to me, as a friend, that somebody's mind has been made up, and I don't want my friend to go back to a bridge that burned up while she was standing on it.

It goes back to Fiery's point. We give the help we'd want to receive. And I'd want somebody to help me bash a little, until I got over the desire to beg him to take me back.

 

[jcarlylew]

i really like your post, thank you!

When i read heart breaking stories i always want to just give my 2 cents, but lately i have really been reconsidering my advice. Not that i don''t think it is sound advice, but i know ask myself "if this was E, how would i respond? would i follow my own advice?"
as we all know, we never know the full scope of each relationship, so the best we can do is put ourselves in the OP''s shoes (from the information we know). And i think we should always keep in mind that the OP might not take our advice, and to each her own.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 4/14/2009 4:13:22 PM
Author:trillionaire

I am in total support of women having the ''cajones'' to stand up in their relationships and get what they want and need, including walking away, I just don''t agree that it is necessary to demonize the man to do it. A strong woman can walk away from a wonderful man, just because he is not meeting her needs, period.

Anyway, just wanted to put that out there because I often feel that way when I read break-up and timeline threads. Feel free to agree or disagree.

A strong woman wouldn''t be on PS posting about whether to leave or not, whether he was the one or not, or whether she should put up with his crap or not. She would have already made up her mind, and would be secure in that decision.

For women who need and seek support to break from their codependency, a little demonizing of the ex is a good thing

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/14/2009 4:55:02 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 4/14/2009 4:31:06 PM
Author: fieryred33143
As far as PS goes, we only know what has been provided in threads/posts over the time that person has been a member. If that person posts a history of behavior that is unacceptable in a relationship and then tells us of a nasty break up, I think more people will be inclined to say good riddance and think poorly of the guy.

I think the subsequent bashing posts are highly dependent on the tone and content of the OP's post. If she lists all of the things he's ever said or done to hurt her, of course we are inclined to let her know that she does not deserve a chump like that. If she comes on and says 'we broke up...things weren't working out...' then we can only offer condolences.

Of course it sucks to have strangers insulting the person you once loved but I think many people that post about their break-ups are looking for affirmation that they've done the right thing and they're walking away from a person who is undeserving of their love...and the support is often provided by bashing his ACTIONS (which we are provided some information about) not the actual person.

I think the bolded part of this post was completely exemplified by star sparkle's latest thread. She laid it out there simply and straight to the point, said he was a good guy, just not right for her. Brava to her!

I agree with sammyj totally.

 

[gwendolyn]

I think that the more a person comes in to vent about his/her SO, the more likely the responses will be to be insulting in some way. People tend to respond in kind to posts--not always, but as a tendency (in my opinion, anyway). Also (and don''t hurt me for stating the obvious), things seem to go MUCH smoother when someone posts (about anything) and states exactly what sort of feedback they would like. Would save so much confusion, animosity and heartache if more people were clear and honest about what they wanted from the other posters!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly, I think people will react based on the individuals tone regarding their ex-SO, and their break-up.

If someone is hurting because their ex behaved badly or did them wrong, then of course we''re going to rally and offer them unending support because that is what they need. Sometimes, when a person is emotionally broken down, the truth comes out...a relationship that could have been once discribed as "dreamy" suddenly becomes a nightmare as the facts comes out, things maybe they were to embarrassed to own before. These things shouldn''t be overlooked or sugar coated because at some point they may reconcile...if a guy is a bad guy then sometimes you need to hear or read that to believe it. And, I speak from experience...looking back at past relationships, I wish someone would have been honest with me when they saw someone treating me in such away that was below (what should have been) my standard.

Now, we all know posters on here who complain about their relationships and then in record time have rebounded back into la-la land. That''s them. I learned my lesson during the last "issue" I found myself in that sometimes people don''t want to hear the truth (or atleast the truth as I see it) and would prefer to have posters offer nothing more than encouragment and fluffy words.

It can honestly go either way...depending on the person and what their expectations are. However, I think that anyone willing to take their time to respond should come from a place of honesty. Sometimes honesty is a bitter pill and other times it''s a soft place to land...but it''s always easier than trying to pretend.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/14/2009 6:44:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/14/2009 4:55:02 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 4/14/2009 4:31:06 PM
Author: fieryred33143
As far as PS goes, we only know what has been provided in threads/posts over the time that person has been a member. If that person posts a history of behavior that is unacceptable in a relationship and then tells us of a nasty break up, I think more people will be inclined to say good riddance and think poorly of the guy.

I think the subsequent bashing posts are highly dependent on the tone and content of the OP''s post. If she lists all of the things he''s ever said or done to hurt her, of course we are inclined to let her know that she does not deserve a chump like that. If she comes on and says ''we broke up...things weren''t working out...'' then we can only offer condolences.

Of course it sucks to have strangers insulting the person you once loved but I think many people that post about their break-ups are looking for affirmation that they''ve done the right thing and they''re walking away from a person who is undeserving of their love...and the support is often provided by bashing his ACTIONS (which we are provided some information about) not the actual person.

I think the bolded part of this post was completely exemplified by star sparkle''s latest thread. She laid it out there simply and straight to the point, said he was a good guy, just not right for her. Brava to her!

I agree with sammyj totally.

Star Sparkle''s thread is a fantastic testament, but another great example of plenty of posters bashing the heck out of her Ex. And in her situation, that doesn''t really seem warranted, IMO. But that''s just me. I know that this is the internet, but even IRL, I don''t go around bashing people''s exes (99% of the time, I can think of one very good exception), including my own. Maybe it''s just me. *shrugs*

And Purrfectpear, I respectfully disagree. being strong enough to ask for advice or support make you wise IMO and does not diminish your strength. No person is an island, and I am amazed at how much I learn from reading threads about relationships. Getting advice from people not biased by the situation and being willing to subject yourself to public scrutiny is no small thing.

I differentiate between demonizing a person and their actions. It is not the same thing to say "your BF is a jerk" and "your BF is acting like a jerk".

Bah, I''m probably just being sensitive.

Dang PMS...

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/14/2009 5:24:19 PM
Author: princesss
In a true break-up, I''ll admit it, I''m an ex-basher. They don''t have to be a bad guy. Heck, most of the time, break-ups are more a matter of ''Not right for me'' than they are a problem with the actual person. But ex bashing gets through an important stage. Often people run back into bad relationships pretty quickly after the break up. I''ve done it once. All I did was focus on the good and the wonderful and the sweet. I needed to work on getting over him, and a few girlfriends to say, ''Hey he was an idiot. Remember how he could never actually commit to doing something with you? How he always said, ''I''ll try'', which was code for ''I won''t bother to try, but it''s important to you, so I''ll pretend?'''' I needed to be reminded of the bad/annoying/frustrating parts so I didn''t go running back to a relationship that wasn''t right for me. It''s not that my ex is a bad guy, it''s that he was a terrible match for me.

In a ''break'' situation, I listen. No talking, I just listen. Because that''s not a break-up. That''s the time for making up your mind, and I don''t want to sway that. But an actual break up signals to me, as a friend, that somebody''s mind has been made up, and I don''t want my friend to go back to a bridge that burned up while she was standing on it.

It goes back to Fiery''s point. We give the help we''d want to receive. And I''d want somebody to help me bash a little, until I got over the desire to beg him to take me back.

I have to agree with Princess. Sometimes ex-bashing is a stage that people need to go through. Personally I know that used to need the ex-bashing stage to get over my ex and realize all the things that were wrong with the relationship. Otherwise, I would have a tendancy to go back to the relationship. I guess it just depends on what different people need. I don''t think people are saying that anyone''s ex is a terrible person (unless he''s done something abusive or over the line) HOWEVER, sometimes it helps when it is pointed out to you that your SO is not treating you as you deserve to be treated. I think most PSers have the woman''s best interest in mind. Personally, I get so frustrated when I hear how some of the women on here have been treated and led on by their SO. This doesn''t mean their SO is a bad guy but perhaps he''s not ready for a real committment. I think it helps to have people with many different experiences on here. It''s a fabulous resource and oftentimes I feel like I learn so much from posts from women who have been through things already.

I guess I''m of the mind-set that every woman deserves a man who treats her well and WANTS what she wants (whether that be marriage or children). Otherwise, what''s the point? I''ve been in plenty of unhealthy relationships and ignored well-meaning advice from others and wish I had taken that advice. Now that I know what it means to be in a healthy, loving relationship, I would never settle for less than I deserve. Even if I was in love with the guy. Love isn''t enough. You have to want the same things in life in general and be moving forward together.

However, I think all we PSers are doing is giving our advice and experience and wishing the woman who is posting well. If her SO is acting like a jerk, I''m going to say so. It doesn''t mean he IS a jerk but he''s acting like one and I believe in honesty.

 

[LaraOnline]

People can only be expected to respond based on the information posted on the particular thread, and they can also be expected to weigh in based on their own previous experiences.
I can''t really see how the advice posted on PS would be any more or less helpful than the advice given by girlfriends IRL. Most of them don''t have a clue, either!

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

As someone who just had a "kind-of" break-up thread, I can say that I appreciate both the sensitive condolences and the harsh ex-bashing comments. I mean, when you are going through a break up, you have highs and lows in your mind, where you are thinking the worst of the worst about him (harsh bashing) and then also thinking about his softer side and how sad you are (softer condolences)-- so seeing both sides on the screen help come to terms with both sides.

But at the end of the day, it is a forum, and I think that it always helps to hear other people''s *unbiased* opinions. Like in my situation, none of my friends even wanted to hear my point of view because all they kept saying was how sweet and wonderful my bf was. And yes, he is, sometimes, but they wouldn''t hear what I needed them to hear. So PS offers a place to get opinions from women in 1-month relationships, who are divorced, new fiances, and women who have been married for 30 years-- all of those opinions and view points help.

My personal opinion is that when I read comments like, "He is not the one for you, there is someone else out there, he is dirt for not treating you right and has probably cheated on you", those comments helped me come to the realization he is the one, because something deep down told me those statements were wrong. He has lots to work on, but we are going to do it together.

I think all the varying ways that people contribute their opinions (sweeter condolences vs. bashing) help the OP. It may even make them realize their SO doesn''t deserve the bashing and they are the one!

(my opinion

)

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/14/2009 11:14:56 PM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
As someone who just had a ''kind-of'' break-up thread, I can say that I appreciate both the sensitive condolences and the harsh ex-bashing comments. I mean, when you are going through a break up, you have highs and lows in your mind, where you are thinking the worst of the worst about him (harsh bashing) and then also thinking about his softer side and how sad you are (softer condolences)-- so seeing both sides on the screen help come to terms with both sides.

But at the end of the day, it is a forum, and I think that it always helps to hear other people''s *unbiased* opinions. Like in my situation, none of my friends even wanted to hear my point of view because all they kept saying was how sweet and wonderful my bf was. And yes, he is, sometimes, but they wouldn''t hear what I needed them to hear. So PS offers a place to get opinions from women in 1-month relationships, who are divorced, new fiances, and women who have been married for 30 years-- all of those opinions and view points help.

My personal opinion is that when I read comments like, ''He is not the one for you, there is someone else out there, he is dirt for not treating you right and has probably cheated on you'', those comments helped me come to the realization he is the one, because something deep down told me those statements were wrong. He has lots to work on, but we are going to do it together.

I think all the varying ways that people contribute their opinions (sweeter condolences vs. bashing) help the OP. It may even make them realize their SO doesn''t deserve the bashing and they are the one!

(my opinion

)

Good to hear that side of things!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/14/2009 9:06:42 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/14/2009 6:44:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I think the bolded part of this post was completely exemplified by star sparkle's latest thread. She laid it out there simply and straight to the point, said he was a good guy, just not right for her. Brava to her!

I agree with sammyj totally.

Star Sparkle's thread is a fantastic testament, but another great example of plenty of posters bashing the heck out of her Ex. And in her situation, that doesn't really seem warranted, IMO. But that's just me. I know that this is the internet, but even IRL, I don't go around bashing people's exes (99% of the time, I can think of one very good exception), including my own. Maybe it's just me. *shrugs*

Did it go downhill? I haven't exactly been around LIW a lot today...going to check it out now...

ETA: I don't see any real ex bashing going on over there? Just a mention of getting out of a bad relationship? Am I missing something?