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A moment to be grateful for your MIL ....

mayerling

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Sure makes me grateful for mine!

And I have to say that some of what Mrs Bourne considers good manners I would consider terrible manners!
 

MonkeyPie

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Apr 23, 2008
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If she hates all those things, then she would downright loathe me! And I would get a good giggle out of it. How ridiculous.
 

Italiahaircolor

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5,184
This woman grows carnations...everyone knows, carnations aren't the epitome of class!

And frankly, I was totally turned off by her rules of food. If I have a guest over, I want them to say "oh, I don't eat XYZ" rather than suffer in silence.
 

mayerling

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Italiahaircolor|1309452461|2959150 said:
This woman grows carnations...everyone knows, carnations aren't the epitome of class!

And frankly, I was totally turned off by her rules of food. If I have a guest over, I want them to say "oh, I don't eat XYZ" rather than suffer in silence.
Amen.
 

Circe

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MissStepcut|1309455446|2959188 said:
I wonder if the bride-to-be is a vegetarian.
Diabetic, apparently.
 

galeteia

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Circe|1309456701|2959218 said:
MissStepcut|1309455446|2959188 said:
I wonder if the bride-to-be is a vegetarian.
Diabetic, apparently.
Really? If that's true, then between that and the line about how "Freddie cannot be reasoned with" :-o puts an otherwise possible-legit-dressing-down-of-rude-girl into b*tchface MIL territory for sure. I'd wondered what her behaviour had been like to prompt such outrage, but these two points pretty much clinch it that MIL is a crusty old hag.

Poor girl. I wonder how many times her FILs tried to "reason with" her FI, trying to get him to break up with her. :blackeye:
 

yssie

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20,775
I adore my MIL!!



1. Taking issue with declarations of what a diabetic will and won't eat is utter stupidity. But I was taught to wait for the host to begin and to wait for invitation to help myself to seconds, and I can't imagine it would be hard to recognise that this is the sort of household where such manners are best observed!

2. It *is* common courtesy not to lie around if everyone else is up at 7 - to get up and help with breakfast, coffee, whatever.

3. Insulting family? I rather suspect MIL is making mountains out of molehills on this one, but a little extra caution in public doesn't hurt.

4. Again, it doesn't seem hard to recognise that this is the sort of household that values handwritten thank-yous. And the host certainly deserves an explicit thank you at the end of a multi-day stay unless they've explicitly told you to make yourself at home, treat it like your own home, eschew such formalities... They take five minutes to write, seal, and stick a stamp onto - why not just do it?

5. She has no right to comment on the young woman's family's saving habits for weddings! OTOH it's also incredibly rude to assume that FI's wealthy mummy and daddy will help pay for an extravagant affair in a castle, if something like that is what this is referencing. Planning a wedding that the two can afford on their own, without expecting generous contributions from the get-go, is excellent advice.
 

JewelFreak

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Sorry, but I think her points are good ones. The girl sounds like a boor. Remember, it was her 1st time there & obviously she hadn't met the family before. If she's a vegetarian, dear Freddy should have warned the stepmother -- and if he didn't, the girl should have been gracefully apologetic about not eating meat & declared she was happy w/the veggies & salad. Then ordered a big bag of crisps at the pub. If she's not vegetarian & doesn't like certain things, tough beans for her. (The hostess could rustle up some spaghetti at least, also, though not necessary.)

No indication she's diabetic or any other illness. That's out.

Good manners say you don't dig in until your hostess lifts her fork -- otherwise the company at the table looks like pigs at a trough. At home, "family" manners are ok -- but as kids, we were never allowed to start eating till everyone was served, including Mom.

She may have meant whatever she said about the family at the pub as a joke but it appears to have been clumsy. Not a great idea on your first meeting w/the future in-laws no matter how funny you are.

Really, not writing a thank you note after a weekend's hospitality is horrid manners. Self-centered, lazy. I'd be disgusted too.

However, the MIL was no better to have fired off that email. You don't answer terrible manners with terrible manners. Neither one of them seems like a prize to me.
 

AmeliaG

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Hmmm...I think its the tone more than what the MIL said that was offensive.

1. Did the young woman mention she was a diabetic? The MIL indicated that an allergy would be an understandable reason for refusing food so I have a hard time believing she would turn her nose up at a diabetic's condition. But just to say 'I don't eat this' when you're a guest in someone's house is rude unless they're serving you monkey brains or something. I did this once as a child and got thorough spanked. I have to agree also that saying you don't have enough food when you're a guest seems incredibly rude.

2. Staying in bed after everyone is up? Well it depends, if they're waiting for you to start something they've planned, I can see them getting annoyed. But I tend to fall into the family's routine when I'm a guest - makes it much easier for ME.

3. And making a joke at the pub that evenly remotely hints at the family seems unbelievable - no matter how light-hearted the attempt.

4. I'm terrible at writing thank you notes and its gotten back to me. I haven't spread the word though about how its gotten back to me; I've pretty much kept that hidden and tried to get better.

5. Drawing attention to yourself. That seems like a lame comment. Some people's personalities just draw attention to themselves. They can't not draw attention to themselves unless they change their whole personality. It depends of course on how someone draws attention to themselves. Some ways can be incredibly rude.

6. Getting married in a castle when you don't own it - I may be the only one here, but I kinda agree with that one. It was rude for the MIL to have said it though.

Totally agree with the advice that the couple should rely on their own incomes for their wedding.

I wonder if the meals manners is a result of a lot of people not having had sitdown meals at home or where they have been invited to other families. We had sitdown meals at home where we did all these things and we got invited to dinner at friends' houses where they did the same thing. When I was a teenager my mom stopped because it was too much work. My sister never has had them so God knows how her kids behave when they get invited to a sitdown meal in somebody else's house. Totally delightful kids but I bet their table manners are atrocious.
 

mayerling

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As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand), and not being upset if they don't get up at the crack of dawn like you do. As for her passing judgment on her family's saving habits :nono:
 

iheartscience

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mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand), and not being upset if they don't get up at the crack of dawn like you do. As for her passing judgment on her family's saving habits :nono:
Ditto! Doesn't Miss Manners says that calling someone out for being rude is the rudest thing of all?
 

AmeliaG

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Messages
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mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
 

iheartscience

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Messages
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AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Hmm...how does someone sleeping disrupt a household routine? When I have guests I never mind if they want to sleep in-that way I can have quiet time to myself. I've always been taught that when you have a guest you should do your best to make them comfortable.
 

Aoife

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I'm sorry, I don't care if the future DIL was a picky eater and slept in, the future MIL put herself in the wrong by the tone of that letter. It reeks of snobbery. I'm only surprised she didn't end it by saying that that Heidi and her family "aren't really our sort."
 

zoebartlett

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I was actually expecting worse, to be honest. I don't think it was the most tactful way of handling the situation but I wasn't as appalled as I was expecting to be.

It could have been polite to wait to begin eating until the parents did. I'm not sure if it's proper etiquette to do so, but it's what I would have done. I *might* have started eating if they had said, "go ahead, please, eat!" but I would have taken my cue from them.

It's always thoughtful to send a thank you card after a few days' stay at someone's house. Maybe even flowers, wine, or a gift basket or or something. I saw this as an innocent oversight, but not something that Heidi should have been schooled on by her FMIL. *That* seemed a bit rude.

Yes, Freddy should have made Heidi's dietary restrictions made known to his mom before arriving for their stay.

Oh yeah, and about Heidi sleeping in late when the rest of the family members are early risers? That's a strange thing to comment on. I do think it's polite to follow the lead of your hosts though. It would have been polite, however, for Freddy's parents to say something along the lines of "make yourself at home. Sleep in if you'd like. Relax and enjoy your stay!" That seems courteous if you want someone to feel welcome in your home, especially if that person is you FDIL.

So I guess they both could have done things a little differently.
 

AmeliaG

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thing2of2|1309478463|2959493 said:
AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Hmm...how does someone sleeping disrupt a household routine? When I have guests I never mind if they want to sleep in-that way I can have quiet time to myself. I've always been taught that when you have a guest you should do your best to make them comfortable.
Like I said above, it depends. If the hostess has a group activity planned for the family and guests and one guest is late, that can be annoying to the other guests as well as the hostess. I've been invited to weekends in the country with horseback riding and other things planned and when one guest is habitually late, whether because of sleeping in or whatever, it is annoying.

But I think in this case, these people are wealthy and so may have housemaids on half days on the weekends to tidy up the rooms after the guests have awoken, and they have pretty tight schedules to get everything done before they leave. One guest sleeping in can mean it doesn't get done by the time the housemaids leave and then the hostess has to do it when she's planned on spending the time arranging activities/things to do for all her guests.

I don't think this is a household where guests are invited for the weekend and are just expected to lounge around. Some hostesses put a lot of effort in entertaining their guests planning all sorts of activities and other sorts of entertainment and one guest that just goes by her own routine can really be an inconvenience.
 

iheartscience

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Messages
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AmeliaG|1309479709|2959512 said:
thing2of2|1309478463|2959493 said:
AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Hmm...how does someone sleeping disrupt a household routine? When I have guests I never mind if they want to sleep in-that way I can have quiet time to myself. I've always been taught that when you have a guest you should do your best to make them comfortable.
Like I said above, it depends. If the hostess has a group activity planned for the family and guests and one guest is late, that can be annoying to the other guests as well as the hostess. I've been invited to weekends in the country with horseback riding and other things planned and when one guest is habitually late, whether because of sleeping in or whatever, it is annoying.

But I think in this case, these people are wealthy and so may have housemaids on half days on the weekends to tidy up the rooms after the guests have awoken, and they have pretty tight schedules to get everything done before they leave. One guest sleeping in can mean it doesn't get done by the time the housemaids leave and then the hostess has to do it when she's planned on spending the time arranging activities/things to do for all her guests.

I don't think this is a household where guests are invited for the weekend and are just expected to lounge around. Some hostesses put a lot of effort in entertaining their guests planning all sorts of activities and other sorts of entertainment and one guest that just goes by her own routine can really be an inconvenience.
You're pretty much just making up scenarios here. If the MIL has activities planned, she should just tell the DIL the night before to be ready to go by 9am or whatever time it is. I also don't see how the hypothetical maid scenario makes a difference. You'd rather your guests get up early so as not to inconvenience the maids? Hmmm...I think you just like playing Devil's advocate. ;))
 

AmeliaG

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thing2of2|1309480146|2959515 said:
AmeliaG|1309479709|2959512 said:
thing2of2|1309478463|2959493 said:
AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Hmm...how does someone sleeping disrupt a household routine? When I have guests I never mind if they want to sleep in-that way I can have quiet time to myself. I've always been taught that when you have a guest you should do your best to make them comfortable.
Like I said above, it depends. If the hostess has a group activity planned for the family and guests and one guest is late, that can be annoying to the other guests as well as the hostess. I've been invited to weekends in the country with horseback riding and other things planned and when one guest is habitually late, whether because of sleeping in or whatever, it is annoying.

But I think in this case, these people are wealthy and so may have housemaids on half days on the weekends to tidy up the rooms after the guests have awoken, and they have pretty tight schedules to get everything done before they leave. One guest sleeping in can mean it doesn't get done by the time the housemaids leave and then the hostess has to do it when she's planned on spending the time arranging activities/things to do for all her guests.

I don't think this is a household where guests are invited for the weekend and are just expected to lounge around. Some hostesses put a lot of effort in entertaining their guests planning all sorts of activities and other sorts of entertainment and one guest that just goes by her own routine can really be an inconvenience.
You're pretty much just making up scenarios here. If the MIL has activities planned, she should just tell the DIL the night before to be ready to go by 9am or whatever time it is. I also don't see how the hypothetical maid scenario makes a difference. You'd rather your guests get up early so as not to inconvenience the maids? Hmmm...I think you just like playing Devil's advocate. ;))
Maybe, but I'm basing my scenarios on the fact that she suggested finishing school and at finishing school they do teach you these things - like how to run a household with servants, how to host a weekend at the country and how to be a guest. That's the whole point of finishing school, they don't teach anything else. It was really rude for the MIL to say this but what she was saying was 'There are rules in these social circles that I know you're not aware of and people will be a lot more comfortable with you, if you are aware of them.

ETA: the maid scenario doesn't inconvenience the maids; it inconvenences the hostess - the maids are going to leave when their time is up regardless of whether the room is done up or not. Then it falls to the hostess who may have had other things planned.
 

iheartscience

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Messages
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AmeliaG|1309480901|2959524 said:
thing2of2|1309480146|2959515 said:
AmeliaG|1309479709|2959512 said:
thing2of2|1309478463|2959493 said:
AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Hmm...how does someone sleeping disrupt a household routine? When I have guests I never mind if they want to sleep in-that way I can have quiet time to myself. I've always been taught that when you have a guest you should do your best to make them comfortable.
Like I said above, it depends. If the hostess has a group activity planned for the family and guests and one guest is late, that can be annoying to the other guests as well as the hostess. I've been invited to weekends in the country with horseback riding and other things planned and when one guest is habitually late, whether because of sleeping in or whatever, it is annoying.

But I think in this case, these people are wealthy and so may have housemaids on half days on the weekends to tidy up the rooms after the guests have awoken, and they have pretty tight schedules to get everything done before they leave. One guest sleeping in can mean it doesn't get done by the time the housemaids leave and then the hostess has to do it when she's planned on spending the time arranging activities/things to do for all her guests.

I don't think this is a household where guests are invited for the weekend and are just expected to lounge around. Some hostesses put a lot of effort in entertaining their guests planning all sorts of activities and other sorts of entertainment and one guest that just goes by her own routine can really be an inconvenience.
You're pretty much just making up scenarios here. If the MIL has activities planned, she should just tell the DIL the night before to be ready to go by 9am or whatever time it is. I also don't see how the hypothetical maid scenario makes a difference. You'd rather your guests get up early so as not to inconvenience the maids? Hmmm...I think you just like playing Devil's advocate. ;))
Maybe, but I'm basing my scenarios on the fact that she suggested finishing school and at finishing school they do teach you these things - like how to run a household with servants, how to host a weekend at the country and how to be a guest. That's the whole point of finishing school, they don't teach anything else. It was really rude for the MIL to say this but what she was saying was 'There are rules in these social circles that I know you're not aware of and people will be a lot more comfortable with you, if you are aware of them.

ETA: the maid scenario doesn't inconvenience the maids; it inconvenences the hostess - the maids are going to leave when their time is up regardless of whether the room is done up or not. Then it falls to the hostess who may have had other things planned.
Again, all made up scenarios. From what I read there was no mention of servants or a weekend at the country. If the maids can't clean the guest's room because he/she is still sleeping, the guest will just have to sleep in the same sheets two nights in a row-gasp.

But what do I know-I'm clearly not as klassy as the super cultured woman who sent an incredibly rude email to her son's future wife. Not that I'm complaining-I'm happy to be surrounded by common folk who don't put other people down via email under the guise of proper etiquette.
 

AmeliaG

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Messages
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thing2of2|1309490213|2959602 said:
AmeliaG|1309480901|2959524 said:
thing2of2|1309480146|2959515 said:
AmeliaG|1309479709|2959512 said:
thing2of2|1309478463|2959493 said:
AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Hmm...how does someone sleeping disrupt a household routine? When I have guests I never mind if they want to sleep in-that way I can have quiet time to myself. I've always been taught that when you have a guest you should do your best to make them comfortable.
Like I said above, it depends. If the hostess has a group activity planned for the family and guests and one guest is late, that can be annoying to the other guests as well as the hostess. I've been invited to weekends in the country with horseback riding and other things planned and when one guest is habitually late, whether because of sleeping in or whatever, it is annoying.

But I think in this case, these people are wealthy and so may have housemaids on half days on the weekends to tidy up the rooms after the guests have awoken, and they have pretty tight schedules to get everything done before they leave. One guest sleeping in can mean it doesn't get done by the time the housemaids leave and then the hostess has to do it when she's planned on spending the time arranging activities/things to do for all her guests.

I don't think this is a household where guests are invited for the weekend and are just expected to lounge around. Some hostesses put a lot of effort in entertaining their guests planning all sorts of activities and other sorts of entertainment and one guest that just goes by her own routine can really be an inconvenience.
You're pretty much just making up scenarios here. If the MIL has activities planned, she should just tell the DIL the night before to be ready to go by 9am or whatever time it is. I also don't see how the hypothetical maid scenario makes a difference. You'd rather your guests get up early so as not to inconvenience the maids? Hmmm...I think you just like playing Devil's advocate. ;))
Maybe, but I'm basing my scenarios on the fact that she suggested finishing school and at finishing school they do teach you these things - like how to run a household with servants, how to host a weekend at the country and how to be a guest. That's the whole point of finishing school, they don't teach anything else. It was really rude for the MIL to say this but what she was saying was 'There are rules in these social circles that I know you're not aware of and people will be a lot more comfortable with you, if you are aware of them.

ETA: the maid scenario doesn't inconvenience the maids; it inconvenences the hostess - the maids are going to leave when their time is up regardless of whether the room is done up or not. Then it falls to the hostess who may have had other things planned.
Again, all made up scenarios. From what I read there was no mention of servants or a weekend at the country. If the maids can't clean the guest's room because he/she is still sleeping, the guest will just have to sleep in the same sheets two nights in a row-gasp.

But what do I know-I'm clearly not as klassy as the super cultured woman who sent an incredibly rude email to her son's future wife. Not that I'm complaining-I'm happy to be surrounded by common folk who don't put other people down via email under the guise of proper etiquette.
Again, I said yes, what's your problem? I'm trying not to take offense but it looks like you're getting personal, thing2of2.
 

VRBeauty

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Here's a link to a story that purportedly includes the entire email:

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK...di-Withers-Goes-Viral/Article/201106416021513

Where I work we occasionally get "media sensitivity" type training. One of the images from that training that has always stuck with me is a
cartoon of two people in an open-top convertible, passing a billboard with the message "your words here," the idea being that anything you say to a reporter - or put in an email - can be effectively be broacast for the whole world to see (in or out of context).

Ms. Bournes is a business owner... maybe she should spring for some media sensitivity training for her entire staff?

And while the bride to be has some responsibility for putting her best foot forward when she's meeting her afienceed's family, so does the aforementioned family... especially, I think, the parents, since in most cases they're thought to represent the family.

That of course assumes that all parties actually want the wedding to occur!
 

AmeliaG

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Messages
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Ouch! The stuff about the diabetes was over the top. I have a co-worker with severe diabetes and she can't help but make a big deal out of it - her health depends on it. And the dog bit was overdramatic, made me think of calling attention to herself.
 

Autumnovember

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Whats worse is that my FMIL is worse than this woman, way way way worse.

Oh btw...I plan on having security guards at my wedding incase she needs to be escorted out. I am terrified of what she might pull because she has NO boundaries.
 

4ever

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Messages
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No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour
I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.
She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.
These were my favorite parts :bigsmile:
 

AGBF

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How can anyone defend this woman's behavior? (I refer to the erstwhile stepmother-in-law to be.) Laurie? AmeliaG? Can you actually defend her?

She is a mean person, just cruel and bent on correcting the flaws of others. That is not the kind of person I need or want in my life! It is not the kind of person I aspire to become!

In an ideal world everyone would be well-bred, have excellent manners, be wise, and also be well-read. Everyone would speak excellent English with an extensive vocabulary and entertain others with his witty comments whenever he wrote or spoke so that he was a pleasant companion. The world, however, is not an ideal place. We must learn to accept others as we find them, or go mad wishing to change everyone we meet. The people who cannot accept others and who constantly rail against them and their flaws, are constantly dissatisfied and sour, become chronically grumpy and dour. Nothing pleases them.

I believe that courtesy is making other people feel comfortable. In my home, when I am a hostess, I try to make my guests comfortable. In other people's homes, I try to make life comfortable for those around me. But I believe that the key has to be tolerance for others. If one expects others to measure up to one's own standards, he will always be disappointed and angry. If he expects nothing, he can always be cheerful.

I would prefer to be cheerful and loving. I think that it is far more important to be cheerful and loving and to have a warm, open home than to have a home that runs according to the rules!

Deb/AGBF
:read:
 

mayerling

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 4, 2010
Messages
2,357
AmeliaG|1309477888|2959487 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand)
Hmm, mayerling. That sounds like the attitude of a paying guest in a restaurant. Yeah, when I'm paying a hefty bill in a restaurant you better bet I'm going to make sure my needs get met first - the customer is always right, and all that.

But when I'm visitng someone's home and they are footing the time, money, and effort for my stay and all I have to do is show up, I think its just common courtesy to try not to disrupt their household and its routine as much as possible.
Presumably you're not imposing your presence on them. They invited you. I'm not talking about trashing their house while you're there, but the host checking your dietary requirements beforehand is a must. And getting up at 9 instead of 7 should really be acceptable. And the thing that ticks me off the most, is the fact that the host might complain about you for these reasons. I might get ticked off some times if I invite someone over for dinner and the don't eat what I serve, but I certainly won't make a fuss about it to them - it was up to me to check beforehand.
 

Jennifer W

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
1,958
thing2of2|1309477206|2959477 said:
mayerling|1309475965|2959462 said:
As I've mentioned before on PS, I'm a firm believer in how the guest's needs should come before the host's. If you invite somebody over, you should be willing to accommodate them; that means not being upset if they don't eat something that you served (as a host you really should check what their dietary requirements are beforehand), and not being upset if they don't get up at the crack of dawn like you do. As for her passing judgment on her family's saving habits :nono:
Ditto! Doesn't Miss Manners says that calling someone out for being rude is the rudest thing of all?
Exactly this! Her points may be valid in the strict and formal sense, but to articulate them out loud, never mind put them in an email like this? Oh dear. That is the most unforgivable breach of etiquette imaginable. I would imagine she's learning that round about now, though. ;))
 

AmeliaG

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2011
Messages
880
AGBF|1309504877|2959684 said:
How can anyone defend this woman's behavior? (I refer to the erstwhile stepmother-in-law to be.) Laurie? AmeliaG? Can you actually defend her?
I think this may be why I have been misunderstood lately. I'm not really interested in attacking or defending people; I'm more interested in looking at situations.

I'm not going to pass judgements on either of these women as people based on one email and a couple of news articles.

I thought the email was incredibly rude, there's obviously no love lost between the two women so just passing it off as giving helpful advice for a newcomer into the family was a lame excuse for an email. But some of the things she complained about could be considered rude - at least in my circles. Not all her complaints - just some.

I think the woman quoted in the last article made the most sense - they both should have taken their concerns to each other privately in person rather than the FSMIL sending that email and the FDIL blasting it to all her friends. Then they would have been obliged to be more civil towards each other.
 
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