A little help...

[Indylady]

SO has a friend that comes over for 9 hours a day at least 5 days a week. And probably spends the night on the couch once a week or once every other week despite living less than a 10 minute walk away. I''m not kidding. He''ll come over at 5 or 6pm and won''t leave until 2am. He''s a nice, friendly guy that means well and is generous. He really is. But, he''s driving us/me crazy!! SO lives with 2 other guys, and even if they are all busy and in their own rooms with their doors shut, this friend will find something to do like playing videogames or studying and will hang around anyway. He''s a good guy, but he''s just over too much. We''re worried that if we tell him to go home, he''ll take it personally. What''s a nice way to tell him to cut down on his visits, but that we still like him as a friend?

 

[monarch64]

Put up a "Visiting Hours" sign. Or use the "Do Not Disturb" hanger on your front door.

A little humor goes a long way sometimes. If he doesn''t get the hint, write on the visiting hours sign: "10 minute walk away neighbor--this means you!"

 

[perry]

Tough one:

There are several ways that I can think of to start off a conversation with him. I might even use all of them, but which one I''d use first would depend on the situation:

1) A conversation along the line of we really like you as a friend - but we need more time to ourselves...

2) A conversations along the line of "what are your goals in life - how are you planning to get there" - and sitting around lots of hours here is not getting you there (be prepared to find out that he is a lost soul and has no goals in life - and to try to help him find something else to focus on - and to cheer him on).

3) A conversation about sharing visits: for every time you come here - we (or your SO) will come over there. This does not have to be a one to one ratio - but the concept that while you are willing to play host... that you expect him to play host as well.

A few other items:

A) You might try to find him a GF. I''m sure that would occupy his time a lot.

B) If all else fails - you may just have to set some rules (use hints above first). In all reality; there are many wonderful people out there who I''d love to help - but; I can''t help them all. Trying to help more than you can give tears you down to where you can''t give anymore. To stay mentally, and financially, healthy there are times you just have to walk away and understand that you can only be with people who meet certain criteria.

I hope this helps,

Perry

3)

 

[hlpkaixin3344]

That''s odd. Why is he staying away from his own house so often? I''d wonder what''s going on there (not that it would be my business, but I''d be curious). Tease him about needing to charge him rent for his very frequent, very long visits.

. If he''s coming over close to dinner time every night, I''m assuming he''s eating there, right? My guess is that he''s not paying for any of the food/drinks he takes while he''s there. So basically, he''s mooching off his friends. Have your SO and his roommates spoken to this guy about it? He''s clearly not taking the hint that his friends are busy and can''t hang out if they go away while he''s there. They need to talk to him.

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m not sure why I came up as "Anonymous." This is Zoe (ZoeBartlett) speaking.

 

[missy]

I agree with Zoe. What''s going on in his life that is causing him to stay at your SO''s place at least 45 hours a week?! As a friend I would be more concerned with what is going on with him than the fact that he is around all the time. Maybe he is going through something stressful/traumatic and once you speak with him to see how you could help the other issue will work itself out. That is, once he solves what is happening in his personal life he will stop being at your SO''s place all the time.

Good luck!

 

[joflier]

I''m thinking maybe he''s lonely? Is he single? I''d go with Perry''s idea of maybe introducing him to some girls......

 

[zipzapgirl]

Start with humor:

"Sorry,X, but if you spend one more night on the couch, we''re going to have to start charging you rent.." while moving to open the door, hand him his shoes, wish him a nice evening, etc.

Get your BF to start dropping quiet guy hints, like

I''m planning romantic evening for IndyLady, just the two of us

IndyLady gets creeped out if you are in the living room when we''re trying to have couple time

Make other plans and make sure you''re home less. This will disrupt his schedule. Also, if he knocks, you need to be just heading out the door somewhere. Anywhere. And don''t let him in while you''re gone.

The guy is probably just a little lonely and really likes the companionship. I agree that the long-term solution is to find him a girlfriend!

 

[Indylady]

Thank you all for your advice! Thank you Monarch, Perry, Zoe, Missy, Jolifer, and Zipzap!

Some things to clear up:

He lives alone, so there aren''t really any problems that I''m worried about. I think he''s probably just bored. We''re all in college, and he doesn''t have a job, so there''s lots of free time.

He is single, and I do think things would be different if he had a girlfriend.

He usually brings over take out, so he''s not really mooching anything but couch space.

Zipzap, I think you hit it on the nail. He''s just a little lonely and likes hanging out since he lives alone. I have 3 roommates, and I still find it quiet/lonely/boring when everyone has been out for the day or weekend. So, I can definitely understand since he lives alone. I think going out ourselves will help also, and I like those subtle hints you all have suggested.

My SO''s house is kind of the epitome of the college experience: a mess, but tons of fun, lots of people over at random times, people in and out, always a movie or videogame on...its a really fun place to be. But, its hard to articulate that there are actually people that live there, and sometimes they have to study or relax, or have date nights, without company!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, he does sound lonely and even a bit depressed if he doesn''t have a job.

If he''s in college, shouldn''t he be doing his homework?

 

[stone-cold11]

Ditto on finding him a girlfriend if he is still single. You will probably not see him around for half a year after he is attached...

 

[swingirl]

Sounds like he wishes he could be one of the roommates. He probably doesn''t like living alone.

 

[missy]

Date: 4/10/2010 5:35:56 PM
Author: IndyLady
Thank you all for your advice! Thank you Monarch, Perry, Zoe, Missy, Jolifer, and Zipzap!


Some things to clear up:


He lives alone, so there aren''t really any problems that I''m worried about. I think he''s probably just bored. We''re all in college, and he doesn''t have a job, so there''s lots of free time.


He is single, and I do think things would be different if he had a girlfriend.


He usually brings over take out, so he''s not really mooching anything but couch space.


Zipzap, I think you hit it on the nail. He''s just a little lonely and likes hanging out since he lives alone. I have 3 roommates, and I still find it quiet/lonely/boring when everyone has been out for the day or weekend. So, I can definitely understand since he lives alone. I think going out ourselves will help also, and I like those subtle hints you all have suggested.


My SO''s house is kind of the epitome of the college experience: a mess, but tons of fun, lots of people over at random times, people in and out, always a movie or videogame on...its a really fun place to be. But, its hard to articulate that there are actually people that live there, and sometimes they have to study or relax, or have date nights, without company!

I''m glad that''s all that is going on

That is relatively easy to fix. He should get some roomates or join a fraternity! The college experience is all about being social so that makes good sense. In fact, where I went to college you had to have roomate freshman year at least because they didn''t want you to live alone.

Getting a girlfriend wouldn''t hurt either. A man in love

won''t be hanging around your SO''s house so much

 

[PumpkinPie]

poor guy - it does sound as though he''s just lonely.. but I can understand your frustrations!

 

[Dancing Fire]

IL..he has a crush on you.