A little disappointed and confused (long...)

[southhorizon]

It was our anniversary on the weekend. I wasn''t expecting a proposal because I know SO wouldn''t do it on an anniversary but I had had been hoping it would be sometime soon. Anyway, the evening started off in a slightly unfortunate way when SO''s present to me was a present that has bad associations for me (in a nutshell it was the same present given to me by my ex for my 30th birthday and I thought it was pretty impersonal - part of the reason we ended up splitting up but that''s a long story). Obviously this is not SO''s fault and I graciously "oohed" and ''aahed" but I was little disappointed. Then completely unprompted by me SO starts talking about the proposal saying things like "how long have I got to propose - years, days, hours?" Because it was our anniversary I just laughed it off because I didn''t want to spoil the evening but I''m really not sure what to do anymore.

For nearly 6 months he has been making jokes about the ring, talking about when we are married and our honeymoon (which he wants in spring next year) and yet nothing seems to be happening. At first I thought he was teasing so it would be a surprise but I''m really not sure whether he is anymore. I''m worried that I pushed him down the line of needing to propose with a ring and that he is now stuck for what to choose. I have told him more than once (including again on our anniversary) that it isn''t about the ring and if he wants some help that''s fine, but he just makes a joke of it. I have also asked him to stop teasing me about it until he is ready but that also doesn''t seem to sink in. Of course with our anniversary we are also getting a lot of comments about when he is going to propose and I''m finding it hard to keep a smile on my face about it. I don''t want to overreact if he has something planned but trying to be subtle about it hasn''t helped either. I am happy for it to be a surprise but I feel like I am in limbo at the moment because so many things we need to plan/want to do depend on when we plan to get married. Any thoughts on how to approach this?

 

[LilyKat]

Talk to him in a non-confrontational way and tell him that you need to know where you stand. Not exact dates - just a rough timeframe to plan your life around. That's perfectly reasonable.

A lot of guys don't realise how upsetting it is to be teased about something like getting engaged. Once he realises how much it bothers you, he should stop and reassure you about which direction he is going in and how fast.

(As an aside, I do think that guys forfeit their right to have the proposal be a beautiful, wonderful surprise when they MESS AROUND with stalling and carrot-dangling for so long that their girlfriend becomes overcooked

)

 

[katomm]

I agree w/ Lilykat, a firm conversation is in order. You may need to start it off by saying to him " I really need to talk to you and I just need you to listen and not joke about it." I find I have to do this w/ my BF because he makes light of almost everything. If he is prepared and knows the next words are going to be something he has to concentrate on then he tends to listen much better.

It''s definitely not OK for him to be asking how long he has to propose. You don''t set a timeline and he meets it, this should be a mutual decision on both sides and when the time is right it will happen. He may want to give you a ring and won''t feel like it''s a proper proposal without one so let him have that and decide if you''re patient enough to wait until he has the means for it.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Urgh, my now FI started talking about getting married and telling people and joking about it for 10 months before it actually happened and it ended up driving me a little crazy with him getting my hopes up and stuff, all the talk and no action, that i ended up spitting it with him one day and told him that he wasn''t allowed to talk about it any more, he was to ''just do it''. I think that was in November of last year, we were engaged in Feburary.

Now i am not suggesting that you go and spit it with him, but maybe just have a talk and tell him to stop talking about it and if he is serious to do it already!!

 

[southhorizon]

Thanks ladies. I feel like I am overreacting sometimes and need a bit of a sanity check. I don''t want to talk to friends or family about it because then they will start asking questions about when. We had dinner with SO''s parents the other night and he started talking about when I''m a mummy in front of them and it was all I could do not to say "one step at a time sunshine". It''s nice that he thinks that way but am I just hypersensitive to it at the moment.

Anyway, we had a chat this morning, thankfully in a very lighthearted way. The conversation just flowed because he started talking about weddings, what he did and didn''t want etc and I just said he needed to ask me first. He was a little defensive about not having proposed by our anniversary which is weird because I have never put any time frame on it - I suspect this was his own internal time line and for whatever reason he hasn''t met it. He asked about a time frame and I said that I wasn''t going to give him one, he should do it when he''s ready but if nothing happens within a time frame that I think is reasonable then we will have to have a discussion about it. He dodged the issue of a specific time frame but was clear that he is planning something. He says I will just have to wait but it will be worth it and I will understand why the wait when it happens. He has also agreed to ease up on the teasing (although he did admit it was part of the fun). So I''m still none the wiser about when but do have comfort that he is working on it. Now I just have to be patient....

By the way, Katomm, your BF sounds just like mine - I like that my SO generally doesn''t take things too seriously but sometimes I do need him to focus.

 

[4ever]

That''s good news! Now you just get to drive yourself crazy with what this big plan of his is!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Sounds promising!

Just relax and enjoy it when it happens.

 

[southhorizon]

Well the latest update is that SO finally fessed up on the weekend that he can''t decide on the ring. He has been looking for months and has learnt a lot but is probably more confused than when he started. I can''t blame him - I feel completely confused especially when I see all the beautiful rings on this site. We are also not in the US so our choices are more limited (and more expensive). We could buy online but I think both of us would like to see the diamond before we buy it which makes it a little tricky.

So he is going to take me to see some of the vendors he has been talking to and show me what he has been looking at. It will slow down the proposal (he told me he was going to propose this coming weekend but that now won''t happen for other reasons not related to the ring) but is for the best in the long run. Looking forward to checking out some sparklies too

.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yay!!! Difficulty picking out a ring should never be the hold-up! All they have to do is ask the girl to link a few she likes online! Glad you''re getting to go show him, though! Not sure where you are, but if they have GIA or AGS certified stones, just stick to GIA Excellent and AGS Ideal and you should be fine!