A little annoyed...(long and silly vent :))

[Mandarine]

At one of my friends....

Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit here since I don't want to vent to any of my other friends since it will probably just make matters worse.

Since we got engaged I have always been clear that just because this is MY top priority, it is not every else's...so I have really done everything by myself. I don't rely on friends, bridesmaids, family, etc to help me out with anything...if they want to come along, then great...if not, then that was fine too. I feel I have really been laid back.

There was a point at the beginning where I know I was talking about wedding stuff maybe too much (mostly like the first two months after we got engaged). After that I have slowed it down and just talk about it if someone asks...and even then I try to keep it short.

About 5 months after I got engaged, my best friend got engaged too (yay!!!) she's awesome and I was just beyond happy for her. We have two other friends that are single and they both expressed how my friend's engagement (so soon after mine) hit them like a ton of bricks. I can completely understand that so I have made a point to not talk wedding stuff with them.

Anyway, one of them has just been making some "not pleasant" remarks about me lately. I just don't know where they came from!. They are all related to how she thinks I'm a total "bridezilla!!". Most of my other friends say I'm the anti-bride...skipping a lot of "traditions" just hoping to have a fun weekend and not really getting stressed about any of this wedding planning stuff. Anyway, the last wedding comment I remember ever making to her was "I hope my wedding dress fits!!" (and this was when I got the email from UPS saying my dress was on the way). She has since then been very distant, almost ignoring me. I just really don't know what I did!!.

I truly don't feel like a bridezilla or like someone that is completely obsessed with the wedding. While I do understand that maybe she's just a little jealous and that's why I reall make a conscious effort to not talk about any wedding related stuff at all (even as far as not mentioning my FI's name!!!)...it also upsets me that she can't just understand once in a while I will inevitably say something that relates to the wedding. That doesn't make me a bridezilla...and shouldn't she be a little happy for me and just ignore the comment eve if she thinks is a little over board?

After I got my dress she asked me if now that I know it fits I wear it everyday while I watch TV...and just silly comments like that.

Anyway...I know this is just a long and silly vent...but it just upsets me. AT the beginning (before I started planning) she kept saying how she wanted to be so involved, got me magazines and even went with me to a few potential reception places (all her ideas).

I still treat her the same and have ignored her comments...but now I feel like I have to be 150% more cautious to make sure I never-ever say anything wedding-related. I invited her to the girls weekend at Charleston and she didn't even respond to say she couldn't make it. However, her birthday was a few days ago and she seemed so happy when I called her to wish her a happy birthday. So as long as it is about her then she's cool, otherwise then I better shut up??

Ok, this is long enough and it just probably makes me sound like a total brat-bridezilla..hehe. Just needed to vent...thanks for "listening"! have a good night

M~

ETA: Just wanted to add the "girls weekend" email I sent her and he ignored is not even being planned as a bachelorette weekend because I didn't want ti to be about me...I wanted it to be about the girls...so it's just a "girls weekend" and I've made that clear. Just for the girls to get together, relax and have some fun!

 

[luckystar112]

I don''t know how anyone could be mean to you! You''re so sweet!
I hope it''s just jealousy, and that she''s able to move past it.

 

[diamondfan]

It sadly does sound like jealousy. People can act so oddly when they are jealous especially if they are not in touch with their feelings of being jealous in the first place. I was the first of my group to get married and of course the fur started flying, when one girl, whom I considered a dear friend, starting saying really crappy stuff. Well, nearly 18 years later, she is the only one still single out of the group of us four. So, meanwhile, I can chalk it up to sour grapes and I did so at the time, but still, it really stunk.

You can either flat out have a talk about it, nicely and graciously, or you can sort of ignore her and hope she gets the hint that she is being a bit frozen out at this point. Not sure if it will matter to her, she might just be consumed and no matter what you do she is going to be nasty. I am sure you are not being horrible, so I would just let it go and know it is likely not YOU at all. I would actually almost feel sorry for her.

 

[Skippy123]

Mandarine, every post I have read from you sounds sweet so to me I see you as kind easy going person, no way a bridzilla. I agree w/the others she is jealous. I am sorry; that is awful. I think you are really trying to accommodate her weirdness which is so sweet but if she is still acting like that I would avoid her if you can.

ETA: I like DF's advice.

 

[Harleigh]

Wow...that just sucks, Mandarine! You are way too kind and sweet to deserve that treatment, and I agree it is probably jealousy on her part. Did I miss this...is she IN your wedding party? Well, heck, I guess if she is or not really doesn''t matter...she is apparently selfish and in need of a good talking to! (But if she is and didn''t respond about the "Girl''s Weekend, well then...

)

Have you considered confronting her nicely and maybe trying to get to the root of the problem? Possibly mentioning your discomfort at her seemed discomfort or agitation towards you, etc... and how can you make it better? Tell her how much you value your friendship with her, say let''s talk, and what have I done? Unless you''re totally against talking to her about it, I think hitting it head-on might be your best bet. Maybe she doesn''t even realize how she''s coming across and if you actually point it out to her, she may do a complete turn around in her behavior or show her true colors, in which case, vacate the toxic environment ASAP!!!

I''m sorry you''re having to deal with this right now...I am going through something kind of similar with the friend I mentioned in my long rant a while back that I felt kind of "forced" me to ask her to be in my wedding, cried, was SOOO excited about it, then two weeks later backed out! So now every day at school is uncomfortable and I feel like I don''t dare talk about wedding plans, etc... I can''t really pinpoint why things have taken this turn on her part, because when she backed out I said I completely understood, don''t worry about it, it''s not a problem and so on and so forth...blah, blah, blah, etc..., which was not at all how I felt like responding, but my friendship with her is more important than letting this one thing ruin it.

Several other teachers have asked her if she''s going to be in my wedding and she says, "Well, I was supposed to be..." Now I kind of feel like she wants me to beg her to find a way to be in it, but we''ve already offered to help pay her and her family''s (husband AND 2 kids) way, and she declined, so I am done offering up ideas...either she will find a way to go or she won''t, and she chose the "won''t" option, and I have been completely understanding. She''s a VERY sensitive sort, so I am trying to find a way to talk with her about everything AWAY from work...she cries at the drop of a hat and is always worried people don''t like her, etc..., and I just don''t want to get into that at work!

So, I feel your pain, and really don''t think you deserve that treatment... Hang in there and let us know how it all turns out! Sending friendly hugs your way!

 

[Mandarine]

Lucky - You are so sweet, thank you

Diamondfan- I agree with you...and I do feel sorry for her. I am in no way trying to make her feel bad...I think after our second friend got engaged it just kind of hit her...also she''s been the one that we have always said was the "most likely to get married young". We''ve all known each other since we''re like 10 years old!.

Skippy - Thank you for chimming in

I think I will definitely just try to ignore her behavior...it''s just hard to not get upset about it, but I guess I can''t change her...I can just change how I feel about the situation and how I let it affect me.

Harleigh - wow, thanks for sharing your story too!. I''m sorry you''re going through a similar situation!!!....and you two work together...yikes!.

She''s actually not in my wedding party. I only have 3 BMs and one MOH. I have two sisters so that only left me with two spots and I have two other friends that are just closer to me and have been for a long time. I thought about picking her but then I would have had to also include another friend...and I just didn''t want a huge wedding party!. I actually didn''t want a wedding party at all...hehe...but my FI did, so I gave in. Maybe she was a little hurt by that...although at the time I made the decidion I sent her an email explaining and I was as sweet as I could be about it...at the time she said she understood (although her response was a bit cold).

Regarding the trip, like I said...it''s not a trip about me or honoring me or anything like that. It''s just a girl''s weekend and those of us going (4 so far) are all chimming in to what we want to do in Charleston, etc...it should be so much fun!. If she can''t come I understand, but she should at least reply!!.

I don''t think I will talk to her...she can be sort of a bully sometimes (using jokes as a defense) and will trun it all around and probably say I''m being just too sensitive and how she was just joking...then she will probably joke around like "do not mess with the sensible bridezilla" or something...so I don''t think it will help. I''m hoping that by ignoring her comments and not reacting to her actions she will maybe realize that it is just not nice and not funny...

Anyway, thanks for chimming in!. I hope it just kind of goes away and she can just truly be happy for me and not let feeling of jealousy get her bitter about the situation...at the end of the day that will truly just hurt her!...

M~

 

[luckystar112]

I wonder if it''s the bridesmaid thing!!
You said your best friend is engaged, and and then you have two LIW friends with the mean girl being one of them?
Does your bridal party consist of 2 sisters, engaged friend, and the other LIW?
If so, that could probably make her sad...if she''s the only one left out.
It could explain why she was so excited at first, but isn''t excited anymore.

But I could be completely off, since you said that if you asked her you would have had to ask the other friend, which I''m assuming was the other LIW.

 

[sumbride]

This is definitely about her, not about you. It could be the bridesmaid thing, but really, there's nothing you could do there. When the 2nd friend got engaged, it may very well have made her realize how single she is and that probably hurt her a lot, but again, that's about HER, not about YOU. The calling you a bridezilla thing totally reeks of uncomfortable jealousy. She may think it's funy, or she may not, but it's not a good strategy to keep a friend. She needs to chill out.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this because you deserve pure happiness around this time, but you can't control how other people react and you can't make her feel better. Just move forward and hope she snaps out of it and catches up with you and your happiness. Weddings are fun and I hope she sees that soon.

 

[janinegirly]

hi mandarine!

it''s a classic case of jealousy, pure and simple.
sure it gets annoying when someone talks about wedding planning non-stop, but to not mention it at all is way too extreme an expectation. Sounds like you''re editing yourself and, while it''s a nice gesture, if she''s STILL being moody, then, cmon, who has time for that!

what is your friend''s situation? single? looking? envious type?

i can tell you that i lost my best friend in between the "moving in together" and "engagment" stages of my relationship. It was a very close friend of mine would have been my BM. In the past we were both single, and kind always complained about the whole dating scene. Then I met my bf..she was more or less ok (but that''s b/c i kept going out with my single gf''s all the time). Once we moved in together she sent me some wacky email about me being consummed by relationship that she couldn''t "hang on anymore". She''s just become so self absorbed in feeling sorry for herself, it wasn''t worth trying anymore. Yea I understood she was single and maybe annoyed that I "found" someone--so i kept reaching out and being sensitive in what I discussed (like you), but even that wasn''t enough. So now I just realize she has issues beyond me and really, who has time for friends like that once you''re out of highschool!!

Just enjoy your wedding planning, but don''t get caught up in her drama. I''m sure you have other friends who are stepping up and wanting the hear MORE about the wedding!!
PS Your vent isn''t silly at all

 

[decodelighted]

Oh foo. Yeah, this kind of thing BITES but, honestly, I think it happens to some degree to every bride. They just don''t advertise it in BRIDE''S DIGEST.

I actually think I''ve *been* that girl too (to some extent). I remember when my little sister was getting hitched "She gets the guy, the ring, five parties, presents, a pretty dress, flowers, extra jewelry & shoes ..... it isn''t fair!" When you''re feeling gypped it really is hard to see such largesse bestowed on a fellow human girl -- even if you LOVE her. Some people behave better than others, and some folks have circumstances going on in their own lives at the time that make more difficult to be "sweetness & light".

Please have compassion for her -- even if she seems to be behaving badly. If she''s your true friend it will blow over and your "normal" friendship will probably resume about a year after the wedding (sorry, but mho). I''m not excusing her behavior -- just doubting you can do anything to change it & don''t think it makes her a "bad person" ... unless she turns vicious or malicious. Being petulant & absent isn''t EVIL ... just not supportive/kind/caring.

The good news is that the gals who are keeping it together usually rally & fill in the gaps left by "the mopey one".

 

[Mandarine]

Luckystar - it may be the BMs thing..I have two sisters, then by best friend (the one that got engaged) and another very close friend (that''s married and with 3 kids!). My other two friends (her included) are not dating anyone and had even joked at the beginning of planning how they would hope not to be a BMs because it was kind of a pain. So I didn''t ask them....
Sumbride - Thank you...you are right...and I do hope she just starts to see that soon, she''s such a fun girl that it would be silly to now star acting up.
Janine- She is single and I know she dreams about getting married...that''s why I do understand and try to avoid any topics, etc. I sure hope it doesn''t get to the point were it is akward though. Right now I''m venting here but she really has no clue. I have just sort of ignored her silly comments and didn''t even ask her why she didn''t repond to the weekend getaway e-mail. Other than that everything is still "normal"...like on her birthday I called her and she sounded happy and excited. I''m not in any way dying to talk about wedding stuff. When I want to talk, I come here...when I want to brainstorm ideas, I come here...and I just do those things on my own. Sure I wish my mom and sisters were here to share this with me, but they''re not...so I''ve learned to just enjoy everything sort of on my own.
Deco- haha, your post as usual made me laugh. I probably have been that girl at some point...maybe we all have?...I just don''t think I actually ever acted on it or said anything. She''s the joker/bully type though so maybe she just feels like she has to say something. I do have compassion and don''t think she''s intentionally trying to hurt me or anything like that. I hope she just gets over it and this is just a little phase. You are right though and thank you for reminding me she''s just a fellow human girl!.

Thank you guys . I feel better now. I will let it go and keep on treating her the same, I will continue to be cautious around her with any wedding related stuff. I''ll be cautious, but I won''t obsess about it. Inevitably I will talk about it once in a while...or someone will ask something, etc.

Thanks again

M~