A guide to approaching the "upgrade" topic

[athenaworth]

I've noticed a few questions here and there from PS'ers who are interested in upgrading, but not sure how to bring the subject up to their SO about it. I thought we might be able to share our stories of our upgrades and help other PS'ers either: a. find a way to get the subjected started, or b. help them be satisifed with what they have. If this is a stupid idea for a topic, let it come to rest in the cemetary of "no response topics."

I'll start with my story first. We got my first stone (a .5 RB) with every intention of upgrading to a 1 carat when we had the funds. So that conversation wasn't difficult. I had a .9 RB (didn't quite hit the 1 carat mark with that one) for several years. Throughout that time I'd always point out the nice big sparkly bling to my DH. I would also show him the great "deals" I'd found online and make jokes about how I wish I had $20k to upgrade. Well, we had something really tragic happen in our lives, and after that, DH was down with spending any amount of money to help bandaid our pain (not healthy, I know) and thus my upgrade was born. I'm sure everyone's stories are different, but basically mine was retail therapy at its best.

 

[Circe]

Heh, funny you should mention: I was just talking to my husband about this!

When we got my ring, at 1.46, we never planned to upgrade. Heck, I'm still not thinking of it as an "upgrade" so much as an anniversary ring. But, at any rate, while that seemed like an awesome, albeit normal, size to me, having grown up in NY, to my Swedish husband it seemed gigandamundo. Seriously, all of his friends back home reacted with shock and awe.

Wanna see the difference 4 years of PS can make? The other day a friend of his got engaged, and I asked him what her ring was like. He said, "Oh, around 1.4 ... they went for quality over size."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, apparently, persistence pays off. As for the anniversary ring itself, and how it was introduced? I joked from the beginning about how you'd pry my ring from my cold, dead hands, but a nice anniversary ring would be loverly ... and eventually the jokes got less jokey and more like, so, wadda ya think, 2 carats or 3? How do you feel about halos? I think the tipping point was when we were talking about two rather label-conscious friends of his who were getting engaged with a budget of 60K and debating 2 carats at Harry Winston vs. 2 carats at Tiffany's, and I said, "I could get that for a third!" and he said "... really?" And since then, it's all been about fine-tuning the details.

Now, we haven't done it yet - aiming roughly for the 5 year anniversary - but it does seem like an interesting topic. Women should have just as much of a say in how family money is spent as men, without cajoling or tricks or manipulation ... but given how emotionally loaded the e-ring can be, easing into it seems advisable, too. Looking forward to hearing more stories!

 

[shihtzulover]

My fiance and I picked out our first diamond and setting together, and we were both really happy with it. There were some things going on in our lives at the time, so he waited several months to officially propose. I actually hadn't seen the finished ring before the proposal, because he wanted a little bit of an element of surprise.

Even when purchasing the first diamond, we always figured that a future upgrade was a distinct possibility, although we weren't totally sure how we would feel about it when the time came, or how long it would be. It just so happened that he started a new job right around the time that he proposed. We had also heard that diamond prices were expected to increase in the very near future, and for some reason, the patterning of my first princess cut bothered me (it displayed a very prominent dark circle in the middle in some lighting), so we went back to look.

We actually went to look at AGS 000s, since they are the only lab that gives cut grades to princess diamonds (which is what I have, since it's my favorite cut). I was hoping for a little bit of a size upgrade, but I was mostly concerned with having a great amount of sparkle, which I was paranoid that I didn't have, since my diamond was GIA-graded. Our jeweler was able to call in an AGS 000 that was just slightly larger than our first diamond, but we were surprised to find that there was only a very negligible sparkle difference between the two - our jeweler actually let us view our diamond, the AGS 000, and two other, larger diamonds in all different lighting, and they honestly all sparkled a ton. Because of this, we ended up falling in love with a larger GIA-graded princess cut diamond.

I'm so glad that my fiance is so understanding, and it wasn't difficult for me to bring up the subject - mostly because he always made it clear that he was open to upgrading if that's what I wanted. On the other hand, if he had picked the diamond and setting on his own, it might have been a lot more difficult to ever upgrade, because of the sentimental value. Our original ring definitely still held sentimental value, but I think that it was easier to let go, since it was something that we had picked out together, and not a surprise gift that he had planned for me and picked out on his own.

 

[Amys Bling]

I know there are a ton more on PS who have upgraded....

 

[Natylad]

I have upgraded my ER twice before our wedding. My original ER was a pink sapphire and diamond ring from Birks Toronto. I had mentioned to my then boyfriend that i loved pink sapphires and he got a ring that he thought would satisfy me...Unfortunately, he paid a lot of money for a ring that was very pretty but didn't seem like an ER to me. It was more like a RHR. He proposed with this ring and even though i was extremely excited and happy about the proposal, when i saw the ring i felt a huge disappointment. I knew for a fact that i couldn't wear that ring as an ER for the rest of my life....or, even for the rest of the month
After the first few days of the engagement went by, i decided to tell the truth to my fiance...I told him that i really appreciate his efforts and the money he spent on my ring, but since this was going to be to most important piece of jewelry that i'd ever own and since i would be wearing this ring forever, it had to be perfect...
Thank God he realized that this was extremely important to me, so he let me keep my original ER and he got me a .50 ct, E color, IF clarity, triple ex cut, GIA certified diamond on a beautiful 18 kt white gold setting. This ring looked very beautiful and kept me happy for some months, until i realized that the stone was too small for me. Again i went to my fiance and said the truth, but at that point i expected him to explode He was upset, i can't lie about it...He even told me that i was extremely spoiled and difficult to satisfy and that he wouldn't be able to put up with such issues for the rest of his life!!! Nevertheless, he allowed me to upgrade for one more time, but made it very clear that this.is.it.
So i got my current .90ct, E, VVS2, Triple ex, H&A, GIA certified diamond, which is the prettiest stone i've ever seen in my life...
I'm very happy with it and i feel greatful for his patience and understanding. He still thinks that i'm crazy though...And he calls himself: "The Lord of the Rings"

 

[marcy]

I was very content with my original wedding set and didn't think of upgrading. DH had picked out the ering all by himself and surprised me with it and we had matching wedding bands. The first 10 years of our marriage we couldn't afford an upgrade and I can't say it even crossed my mind.

Around our 13th or 14th anniversary I tried on an anniversary band with my wedding set and it really looked great. I was going to buy it to wear with a solitaire RHR. When we got home that night DH mentioned - did you see how nice that looked with your ering? I was back at the mall in 15 minutes buying it.

About then I started buying colored gemstone jewelry from a jeweler in major city nearby. They have very nice diamonds too so whenever a friend was looking to get engaged or for new jewelry I sent them there. DH asked me a few times if I wanted an upgrade but I said no. I honestly did like my original ering with the anniversary band (it was bout .65 ctw).

The summer of our 16th anniversary I bought a 1/2 ct solitaire heart diamond RHR. I wore it with a ring guard. That's when I started having DSS. I asked DH if I could get a band and wear the heart diamond as my ering. He is not sentimental and said whatever I wanted to do. I wore it for awhile as my wedding ring but found the diamond to be lacking.

DH suggested we go look at the jeweler where I bought my colored gemstone jewelry and see what they have. I had done some research and asked them to show us 3 diamonds of 0, 1, 2 make (ideal, very good and good cut). We didn't know which was which but we both picked the ideal cut diamond Then we started comparing color. We ended up getting an AGS000 E .53 ct diamond and mounted it in a .33 ctw PC wedding set. The next spring I was looking at upgrading my diamond to a 3/4 carat range but ended up getting an anniversary band and a 3 stone ring. I wore that for about 3 years.

Last year DSS really set in (PS influence I am sure) and I got a 3/4 carat GIA EX G VS1 and ended up putting it in a solitaire and got another 1/2 ctw anniversary band - the same I had before but this one had more diamonds so the band was thicker

I liked the new diamond and set but I found my 3/4 carat lacking - in that I convinced myself it just wasn't as nice of a diamond as the 1/2 ct. AGS000. So for Christmas last year I wanted to look for a .90 carat AGS000. They had a few ideal cut diamonds in that carat range but none were AGS000 and they just didn't appeal to me for one reason or another. They brought out a 1.03 ct G VS2 AGS000 that I really liked but it was far more than I wanted to spend that day. Lucky for me they gave me a 8.5% discount and I had some jewelry from them I could trade in so I went for it. I was kind of nervous about one thing; it was only 2.1 on the HCA but my eyes told me it was a great performing diamond. I sometimes think about upgrading to an E or F same carat weight but wow that's a massive price jump so I probably won't do that soon.

DH doesn't seem to care if I want something new so I am very lucky there.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

I'm a little bit of a different animal on here, I think. My engagement/wedding ring was inherited. It is lovely, but not quite "my style". It also needs some work (repronging, resizing, redipping), so I haven't been wearing it for years.

All of that made my approach to upgrade rather easy. I let my husband know that I wanted for us to pick out something together that was more "us", but that I want to keep my original and have it redone slightly (in more my style) to be used as a RHR as money allows. I do treasure the original ring and don't want to give it up; it just doesn't quite have the "wow" factor I want for my most important ring.

Yeah, it worked. But I'm married to the greatest guy ever, and he always wants me to be happy. (It helps that I'm the one that's more fiscally-minded and budget-conscious, so he trusts me not to go overboard.)

However, we've gotten distracted lately as some estate pieces have come up that have caused me to put my upgrade (and rework) on hold for now. Plus, now is not the time to really buy "new".

PS: I'm sure it didn't hurt my case when I told my hubby that I just wanted to be a girly girl (I've never spent much on jewelry)...and I stopped wearing my other rings (one broke, two others were just out of style and blah) so my hands have been almost bare for quite sometime. I'm also really good at pouting.

PPS: I feel the most important part of the ring is not the ring itself, but that one is worn to honor and communicate our marriage to the world, and my husband agrees. He also understands that styles and tastes change. (Why should a ring be any different? You wouldn't wear an out of date coat or pair of pants just for tradition's sake, would you?) This helps in not getting too sentimental about the ring itself. In a perfect world, I would love to have a slew of rings to rotate and switch off according to my whims and styles. And he knows this. So someday I hope to have my rings...

 

[yennyfire]

An upgrade never would have crossed my mind. My "circle" just doesn't do it and it was never really important to me. Then, after 8 years of marriage, my ering/wb were lost/stolen and we had an insurance check with which to replace my rings.

Honestly (and anyone who knows my "story"), I still wish I had my original rings. I loved them and the fact that DH picked them and the wb was what he put on my finger when we got married made them perfect to me. I think that's one of the reasons I've had such difficulty committing to a stone/style etc.

However, like many of your DHs, he loves me and wants me to be happy, so he's pretty much let me do whatever I want to do. He has reached the end of his tether though...once my ring arrives from SS, that will be it on the ering front. That won't stop me from looking for OECs for earrings though!

 

[kenny]

 

[diamondringlover]

I guess we never really had a conversation about it...I got engaged with a small band of rubies and diamonds....horrible cut and sparkle but I was so proud of that ring! I got pregnant right before our first anniversary, our son was born on Dec 26, my hubby surprised me with a solitaire .18ct, round, never knew the stats but to guess I would say H-I, SI2, I wore it proudly for years (still have it)...but as time went on I wanted a bigger diamond and he knew it...lol I went to JB Robinson and "bought" myself this hideous multi stone e-ring (I liked at the time, glad I returned it) however I felt guilty and returned it, plus he did not like it at all!..so later that year he decided to take upon himself and buy me a new e-ring for Christmas...it is my current princess...I was pretty darn happy with it till I found PS, lol now I want a newer, bigger, round one with better clarity..but money does not allow for that...so I try to be happy with what I have. I am lucky my hubby doesnt care...he just wants me to be happy with what I got...but still I gotta think logically....

 

[Haven]

We chose my original e-ring together. DH proposed with it in September of 2007. It was a 2 ct modern cushion set in a platinum rb eternity band.
I had my upgrade ring on my hand in March of 2011. It's a 2.30 ct antique cushion set in a rose gold solitaire.

I guess we're a bit different because neither of us is very sentimental about items, including the engagement ring(s). While we were looking for my original e-ring stone I told both DH and our jeweler that I would love an antique cushion. I fell in love with that modern beauty, but we told our jeweler to keep an eye out for a special antique cushion. Sure enough, somewhere over three years later he calls me and says he has found a real beauty. (He had come across other antique cushions over the years, but none of them were quite right.) Well, I went in to see her, fell in love, and that was it.

I traded in my original ring for the upgrade. I don't regret it one bit. DH never once questioned my desire to do so, or whether I should. He knows I'm a rational individual who wouldn't spend the money on something unless it was worth it to me, and if it's worth it to me, it's worth it to him. And there you have it.

 

[Laila619]

When I first got the upgrade itch, I broached my hub about just a reset of my original diamond. I had no plans of getting a new stone. Then I started thinking why not get a bigger stone? So I told him it would make me sooo happy and he said, "Then do it!" My original stone was a lovely .98 Leo. We thought about upgrading my Leo at Jared (you have to spend double) but then I ruled that out since not all Leos are cut well and it was too much of a crapshoot to know if I'd be getting a good one (Leos don't even have crown and pavilion angles listed on the certs!). Then I thought about getting an oval for the awesome finger coverage. But it's hard to find a well-cut oval. Ultimately I realized I wanted to have an ideal cut AGS 0 diamond from one of the PS vendors. Plus I would have been very sad to lose my original diamond, and I think DH was sentimental about it as well. So that's how I got my upgrade, and now I have both a .98 and a 1.80 carat.

 

[anne_h]

Well, I may be a in a different boat because I planned my original e-ring purchase knowing already about the concept of upgrades.

So when we planned to get engaged, my now-DH gave me a set amount and said to get whatever I wanted. I did my research on PS and knew I wanted to buy a stone from a vendor who had a good upgrade policy. I ended up buying a modern cushion from Mark T at ERD.

My original e-ring budget had already been quite generous (IMO, based on the people in my circle), but my DH and I knew I loved jewelry and were okay with the idea of upgrading. However, we never knew how or when it may happen.

Meanwhile, my husband had been investing in a favorite technology stock for years (even before I met him). The stock went up and down often and he would do small amounts of cashing out or buying more shares, when they were up and down respectively. We always joked that if they even went up to a not-very-realistically high amount, he'd give me XX k for an upgrade budget.

Well, five years later guess what - the shares reached the magic price and DH sold a big chunk. I somewhat unexpectedly got my dream upgrade budget. DH was even more generous than planned and ended up more than doubling the original dream upgrade budget. Since diamond prices have risen so much lately, this was super nice! (He did put a lot on the mortgage too, that was rather responsible, lol.)

And so we did it! Again, he gave me a set amount, and I found my dream antique stone (luckily, through Mark T again so used the upgrade policy) and then did a custom Victor Canera setting (I will post pictures eventually.)

So! I never had to broach the upgrade topic, DH was always aware and totally okay with it. Personally, I never really thought the stock thing would happen, so it's been a wonderful turn of events.

So now I have my dream ring and I LOVE IT. Totally worth it.

Anne

 

[ame]

I am another upgrade-by-insurance type person. My rings were stolen exactly two years ago. At first I didn't want to. Then DH said "you're nuts, you loved those rings. You HAVE to do this. GET WHAT YOU WANT." Well, budget won't allow that. HAHA! So I emailed Jon at GOG right away, and told him what happened and we started combing through inventory. After I had one shipped and returned...we found another possible one. That didn't pan out. Then I decided to talk to DH about the one I had my eye on from the start, that was way out of my comfortable budget. It would take a little out of savings (not much really) but he agreed. We made a couple payments on it so that we weren't clearing ourselves out too much and still were comfortable in the play money. I had it a few weeks later and other than resizing issues, and a reset, I have and love it. I had a lot of emotional up and down with that, and still do, but I don't see myself doing any upgrading for a LONG LONG LONNNNNG time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am another upgrade-by-insurance type person. My rings were stolen exactly two years ago. At first I didn't want to. Then DH said "you're nuts, you loved those rings. You HAVE to do this. GET WHAT YOU WANT." Well, budget won't allow that. HAHA! So I emailed Jon at GOG right away, and told him what happened and we started combing through inventory. After I had one shipped and returned...we found another possible one. That didn't pan out. Then I decided to talk to DH about the one I had my eye on from the start, that was way out of my comfortable budget. It would take a little out of savings (not much really) but he agreed. We made a couple payments on it so that we weren't clearing ourselves out too much and still were comfortable in the play money. I had it a few weeks later and other than resizing issues, and a reset, I have and love it. I had a lot of emotional up and down with that, and still do, but I don't see myself doing any upgrading for a LONG LONG LONNNNNG time.

Ame what were the stats of the stone thatwas stolen and what is your new stone? Just curious. I could comb your threads but am too lazy

 

[ame]

original stolen was .86 H SI2 (indented natural prongable)
first replacement 1.13 H SI2 (not eyeclean to my definition)
next pick was a 1.18 I VS2 I think
final was a 1.15 H VS1

All are Star129

 

[Amys Bling]

very interesting to hear everyone's stories!

 

[Jennifer W]

I don't want to change my engagement ring, because there's isn't really anything I want more (1ct EC platinum solitaire). I chose it myself though, with an open ended budget (my husband, bless him, did not have any inkling of just how expensive that could have been for him).

RHRs are different though. I do like to upgrade these guys.

When I want a new one, I start off by whining. Like a toddler in a candy store. Then I discuss it endlessly, like someone with an obsessive disorder. Then, I go ahead and buy it anyway, since I wasn't really asking.

 

[Haven]

I don't want to change my engagement ring, because there's isn't really anything I want more (1ct EC platinum solitaire). I chose it myself though, with an open ended budget (my husband, bless him, did not have any inkling of just how expensive that could have been for him).

RHRs are different though. I do like to upgrade these guys.

When I want a new one, I start off by whining. Like a toddler in a candy store. Then I discuss it endlessly, like someone with an obsessive disorder. Then, I go ahead and buy it anyway, since I wasn't really asking.

Hahahahaha, Jennifer!

I was pretty certain DH would be all for my upgrade, but after I went in to see the stone and fell in love with it I came home and threw myself on the floor in front of DH and trilled that I had found the one, arms flung out, despair in my voice.
He just chuckled and said "Did you take pictures for your friends on Pricescope?"

It was just a protective measure. He responded correctly, good man.

 

[MrsBettyBoop]

Way back when my husband, then fiance proposed with exactly what I told him I wanted. A princess cut solitaire. A solitaire will always and forever be where my heart lies... the issue is a center stone big enough.

We never really discussed anything about upgrades prior to our engagement, but we got engaged right after DH started medical school and I was still in college. We had no money. That .51 was the best diamond I had ever seen in my life and I thought it was HUGE!! I started off changing the setting for added bling. DH knows I am a fan of all things that sparkle so to speak. He didn't seem to mind, although he admitted a long while after that he was initially hurt that I made a change to the ring... we are way past that now! That diamond can be found on my left earlobe (where it will stay). If I could do it over again, I wouldn't have changed my original e-ring at all and just bought something else whenever we could.

So the joke now is that I'll be happy when I get a 3 carat rock (we have 3 babies so I joke that he owes me a carat per kid). But who knows if I will ever make it there... that's just where I promise to stop.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I used the tried and true foot in door technique.

My original e-ring was a .90ct EC sapphire in a split shank solitaire, which is exactly what I asked for! Though I am proud my husband got me such a beautiful ring, I admit when he proposed I was not enamoured with it. I sort of expected something bigger and sparklier -- I had never seen an EC sapphire in person before and had no idea what they cost. I did reset it a few years later into a three stone with EC diamond sides, but ended up returning it to its original mount and I wear it as a RHR now. I am very glad I still have that ring in its original form.

As for my diamond upgrades, I started out with a modest .80ct J VS2, which at the time cost only about $2200 and was well priced in relation to comps. Then each year for the next few years I somehow convinced DH that the upgrade stone I had found was an awesome deal and it will *only* cost another $2000 or $3000 The upgrades -- there were four -- ended with my 1.67ct J VS1, and they are really ended now given the recent price hikes.

I recently contemplated a "downgrade" because I have been feeling guitly about spending so much on my ring. But that was all me, not my husband.

He did feel a little bad in the beginning that he had not bought me a diamond, once I showed an interest in them. I assured him that he got me what I wanted and it was the smart thing to do given our financial situation at the time. My original e-ring cost about $1500, which was a lot of money to him at the time. With enough reassurance he came around to not feeling bad anymore. He does wish I would just sit and be happy with my ring, though, and not think about change anymore. He doesn't like to think I am unhappy. Hopefully, now that the downgrade door has been closed, I can comply.

 

[ame]

I recently contemplated a "downgrade" because I have been feeling guitly about spending so much on my ring. But that was all me, not my husband.

I often have that guilt too. It was particularly problematic over the last year with how absolutely horrible the local job market was, and how many friends of mine lost their jobs, a few even lost their homes even after selling their rings and had to move in with family. I felt like such a jerk having so much value on my finger.

 

[jstarfireb]

We bought our ring from WF knowing we had the possibility of upgrading but didn't really talk about it before the purchase. I brought it up a few years later, and my husband was actually quite offended that I didn't think the stone we picked out together was "good enough" (not true, but that was his argument). We aren't even ready for an upgrade yet, but I was just talking about it as a hypothetical 5th or 10th anniversary thing. I'm very happy with it for the most part but just wish I could upgrade the color and maybe the size just a bit (keeping a top-notch cut of course, and clarity somewhere in the VS-VVS range). It's a 1ct I/VVS2 ACA princess. We bought an I because I'm not that color-sensitive, but I think my ability to detect color in a diamond has improved over time, so I'd like an F-G if I were to upgrade. Size-wise, I'd only want to upgrade to the 1.2-1.5ct range if at all. I haven't developed DSS in the 5 years I've had this ring, and I've always said 1.5-2ct is the absolute upper limit of what I'd feel comfortable wearing on an everyday basis.

Anyway, the resolution of the debate between me and my husband was that he would be OK with an upgrade in the future if (1) we picked out the new stone together, and (2) it could still fit in the same setting we had custom-designed. But now knowing how sentimental he is about it, I doubt I'll get an upgrade. So before diamond prices started to skyrocket, I upgraded my J-color round ACA pendant stone to a G Expert Selection with medium blue fluor so I could at least get my higher-color fix.

I guess the bottom line of my story is that you have to be willing to compromise, because it may be a more important issue to your SO than you had ever imagined (I certainly never suspected he'd be so sentimental about it).

 

[centralsquare]

I don't plan to ever upgrade but these stories give me food for thought when I think about asking for bling for gifts!