A delicate subject...

[Italiahaircolor]

Today my dear friend, who is more like a sister to me, announced that she is leaving her husband and will probably be divorcing him in the future--although she hesitates on confirming that.

In all honesty, this announcement was probably a long time coming, since her husband hasn''t had much interest in their family for a long while now.

However, she admitted to a few things today that she hadn''t even before--like the fact that he''s been using drugs (weed), stealing money from her (forging her name on checks), and other things that are total "deal breakers" when it comes to marriage.

She''s clearly devestated...and I''m so sad for her--even though her husband isn''t my favorite person in the world.

But now that her marriage is more or less over, I am considering telling her something that happened over a year ago and has been haunting me...

-----

For my friends graduation, my DH (fiance at the time) and I together with my friend and her husband went on a couples weekend getaway together in order to celebrate. We all kicked the night off by going to a lovely dinner a top the city--and shared a bottle of wine. We followed dinner up by visiting a jazz club for some music...and then went to our hotel bar to wrap up the night. I don''t drink normally, but I indulge and had a few that evening.

Around 11 or so, we all retired back to our suite and ordered in a pizza, mixed some Lunchboxes (hillybilly, I know) and just hung out.

Around 12, my friends husband and I got a second wind and decided to go outside to have a cigarette (I smoked at the time). So we grabbed our smokes and drinks and headed outside.

He and I ended up talking about a lot of stuff, like friends, school and work...and I felt like we may have actually made some head way...since up until that point he wasn''t my "biggest fan".

After a few smokes we decided we should probably go back up to the room. And made our way to the elevator--both pretty in the bag at this point.

About half way thru the ride, he asked me if I''d like to "sleep" with him (although he used a much more graphic word that sleep). I was horrified, and embarrassed, and totally uncomfortable. I was like "( His Name) I think you''ve had way to much to drink, and you''ve made me very uncomfortable". He went on to be like "Oh, I''m sorry, I''m sorry. Are you going to tell (her name). Please don''t tell her". I told him I didn''t know what I was going to do...and I got off the elevator.

When we got to the room, everyone was asleep, so I went into my FI and my room and fell asleep.

At about 5 in the morning my friend knocks on our door and askes if we''ve seen her husband. I told her last I saw him he was when we came up from outside...she told us he hadn''t come into their room at all that night, and he wasn''t in the suite, period.

I got up immediately, and together we began to search the hotel. The bar had long since closed and he wasnt in the lobby or lounge or front/back of the hotel. We decided eventually to go back to the room and see if he eventually showed up...which, he did around 7am. He told her he''d been "talking" to some people.

My friend was horribly upset, obviously, and went into their room. By this time my fiance had gotten up--and I pulled him aside to fill him in and tell him about the pass in the elevator. My fiance was pissed...but didn''t know what I should do because it would only stand to my friend even more.
---

So basically, I never told her. I''ve felt badly about that for a long time--but, I feel like telling her will only hurt her more. And I really did believe that maybe he just had a judgement lapse because he was drinking--so why ruin a marriage over a drunken suggestion that was dumb to begin with?

Then, a few months ago she mentioned that another one of her friends had told her that her DH had made a pass at her right after my friend had had her baby. (She''d told me this story before, too)

And now I''m wondering if I should tell her? Since they are seperating, she should know the kind of man he is...but is it even worth it? I''m sure I''m going to get a lashing for not telling her right away which I probably deserve...and probably some of you will say that I''d only tell her now to make myself feel better...but the truth is, her husband is a manipulative person who will probably clean up his act just to suck her back in--and if this little information will stop her from going back, then shouldn''t she know?

If her marriage was working, I would have taken this to grave...and by telling her I risk losing my best friend...

So, my question is...if this was your husband and your best friend--would you want to know?

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:33:21 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
Today my dear friend, who is more like a sister to me, announced that she is leaving her husband and will probably be divorcing him in the future--although she hesitates on confirming that.

In all honesty, this announcement was probably a long time coming, since her husband hasn''t had much interest in their family for a long while now.

However, she admitted to a few things today that she hadn''t even before--like the fact that he''s been using drugs (weed), stealing money from her (forging her name on checks), and other things that are total ''deal breakers'' when it comes to marriage.

She''s clearly devestated...and I''m so sad for her--even though her husband isn''t my favorite person in the world.

But now that her marriage is more or less over, I am considering telling her something that happened over a year ago and has been haunting me...

-----

For my friends graduation, my DH (fiance at the time) and I together with my friend and her husband went on a couples weekend getaway together in order to celebrate. We all kicked the night off by going to a lovely dinner a top the city--and shared a bottle of wine. We followed dinner up by visiting a jazz club for some music...and then went to our hotel bar to wrap up the night. I don''t drink normally, but I indulge and had a few that evening.

Around 11 or so, we all retired back to our suite and ordered in a pizza, mixed some Lunchboxes (hillybilly, I know) and just hung out.

Around 12, my friends husband and I got a second wind and decided to go outside to have a cigarette (I smoked at the time). So we grabbed our smokes and drinks and headed outside.

He and I ended up talking about a lot of stuff, like friends, school and work...and I felt like we may have actually made some head way...since up until that point he wasn''t my ''biggest fan''.

After a few smokes we decided we should probably go back up to the room. And made our way to the elevator--both pretty in the bag at this point.

About half way thru the ride, he asked me if I''d like to ''sleep'' with him (although he used a much more graphic word that sleep). I was horrified, and embarrassed, and totally uncomfortable. I was like ''( His Name) I think you''ve had way to much to drink, and you''ve made me very uncomfortable''. He went on to be like ''Oh, I''m sorry, I''m sorry. Are you going to tell (her name). Please don''t tell her''. I told him I didn''t know what I was going to do...and I got off the elevator.

When we got to the room, everyone was asleep, so I went into my FI and my room and fell asleep.

At about 5 in the morning my friend knocks on our door and askes if we''ve seen her husband. I told her last I saw him he was when we came up from outside...she told us he hadn''t come into their room at all that night, and he wasn''t in the suite, period.

I got up immediately, and together we began to search the hotel. The bar had long since closed and he wasnt in the lobby or lounge or front/back of the hotel. We decided eventually to go back to the room and see if he eventually showed up...which, he did around 7am. He told her he''d been ''talking'' to some people.

My friend was horribly upset, obviously, and went into their room. By this time my fiance had gotten up--and I pulled him aside to fill him in and tell him about the pass in the elevator. My fiance was pissed...but didn''t know what I should do because it would only stand to my friend even more.
---

So basically, I never told her. I''ve felt badly about that for a long time--but, I feel like telling her will only hurt her more. And I really did believe that maybe he just had a judgement lapse because he was drinking--so why ruin a marriage over a drunken suggestion that was dumb to begin with?

Then, a few months ago she mentioned that another one of her friends had told her that her DH had made a pass at her right after my friend had had her baby. (She''d told me this story before, too)

And now I''m wondering if I should tell her? Since they are seperating, she should know the kind of man he is...but is it even worth it? I''m sure I''m going to get a lashing for not telling her right away which I probably deserve...and probably some of you will say that I''d only tell her now to make myself feel better...but the truth is, her husband is a manipulative person who will probably clean up his act just to suck her back in--and if this little information will stop her from going back, then shouldn''t she know?

If her marriage was working, I would have taken this to grave...and by telling her I risk losing my best friend...

So, my question is...if this was your husband and your best friend--would you want to know?

Yes, I would absolutely want to know. And no, I wouldn''t shoot the messenger, though I would be angry that it took her so long to tell me.

But that''s just me. I like to know the truth so I can decide things on my own.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

There is no benefit in telling her. Her marriage is shot and the last thing she needs is more emotional upset by you telling her about how he made a pass at you. One woman already told her about an incident and if you tell her too, she's going to begin freaking out thinking he had hit on everyone. Just support her through the divorce and help her heal.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Allie, I know you''re right...I should have told her. I just didn''t want that responsibility.

 

[diamondfan]

I think, even when we have the best of intentions, this is a tricky thing to deal with. On one hand, he is a snake, and more than likely hooked up with other people which she should know about health wise. But, she is leaving, so this might only add insult to injury and make you a bad guy for not having told her sooner. I might say if she thinks he has been unfaithful (and you can refer to that night where he disappeared from their room and was out all night) that it might make sense for her to be checked out. I would think he has been indiscrete before and could have put her at risk.


This is sticky because truly, she must know he is not the best hubby around, she has a lot of evidence without your story, and she is leaving. Put your self in her shoes. With the time that has passed, how do you think you would respond if your pal told you your hubby made a pass at her, and you just did not tell her for all this time? Would you get it, or would you be mad to hear it now, and wish you had been told back when it occurred? It is a slippery slope for sure.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:41:09 PM
Author: MC
There is no benefit in telling her. Her marriage is shot and the last thing she needs is more emotional upset by you telling her about how he made a pass at you. One woman already told her about an incident and if you tell her too, she''s going to begin freaking out thinking he had hit on everyone. Just support her through the divorce and help her heal.

Thank you. I just want to do the right thing now, thats really what it boils down too.

I''m so nonconfrontational and i don''t want to hurt anyone

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:38:47 PM
Author: alli_esq

Yes, I would absolutely want to know. And no, I wouldn''t shoot the messenger, though I would be angry that it took her so long to tell me.

But that''s just me. I like to know the truth so I can decide things on my own.

The friend has already decided what to do, though - leave her DH, so there isn''t any reason to tell her. It''s just putting salt on a wound.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:42:49 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think, even when we have the best of intentions, this is a tricky thing to deal with. On one hand, he is a snake, and more than likely hooked up with other people which she should know about health wise. But, she is leaving, so this might only add insult to injury and make you a bad guy for not having told her sooner. I might say if she thinks he has been unfaithful (and you can refer to that night where he disappeared from their room and was out all night) that it might make sense for her to be checked out. I would think he has been indiscrete before and could have put her at risk.


This is sticky because truly, she must know he is not the best hubby around, she has a lot of evidence without your story, and she is leaving. Put your self in her shoes. With the time that has passed, how do you think you would respond if your pal told you your hubby made a pass at her, and you just did not tell her for all this time? Would you get it, or would you be mad to hear it now, and wish you had been told back when it occurred? It is a slippery slope for sure.

You''re absolutely right...I''ll push her towards getting a check up too

I''ve told her I think he''s having affair before...but to her thats small potatoes compaired to drug use and stealing money.

 

[onedrop]

Ditto what MC said. I really don't see that there is any reason to tell your friend what her soon-to-be-ex did a year ago. If she were considering staying with him, then I'd think differently about spilling the beans. But at this point, she is leaving and there is no need to add to the problem by recounting more of his bad behavior. Clearly, she knows what kind of person he is already.

 

[neatfreak]

No benefit to telling her now. You should have told her then, you didn''t. Now will only stress your friendship IMO and make her not trust you.

 

[beau13]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:41:09 PM
Author: MC
There is no benefit in telling her. Her marriage is shot and the last thing she needs is more emotional upset by you telling her about how he made a pass at you. One woman already told her about an incident and if you tell her too, she's going to begin freaking out thinking he had hit on everyone. Just support her through the divorce and help her heal.

I totally agree..alot of my friend's husbands have come onto me, or flirted, (usually when intoxicated), and I would NEVER tell my friend(s) whether or not their marriage is good or bad. WHY?? None of my business...and I never got involved with the guy, so there really isn't anything to tell. I think most men are tempted by other women, whether or not they act on that temptation is a different story..but it's often too common, and those women who think their husband would NEVER look at another girl, flirt with them, or even stray from the marriage (one night stand/affair) are very naive. Most women just don't know about it..and it's likely better that way!! I have less "faithful" hubbys (in my circle of friends, and people I know) than those who I KNOW are cheaters, and the wife likley knows it too (but tends to play dumb) & it isn't something we talk about! I have seen people confront their friends about flirty/cheating husbands, and the wife will ALWAYS side with her husband , and usually ends the relationship with the person(friend) who spoke out. Like Neatfreak said, telling her will only put stress on your relationship with her!

 

[dragonfly411]

That is a tough subject. On one hand, as a friend who is suffering in their marriage, I would want to know if my husband had done something like that. If she understands you wanted no part of it....

 

[pyramid]

I am basically in your friends position found out in April my ex had been seeing another woman and (other women) for six years and had a child too. I now know he is a snake and not the type of person I should ever have been with. I also had to face things that surfaced from my subconscious because I had been blanking things out. I would want to know the truth if I was your friend. Infact one of the things I now know is that I blanked out one night when my ex was not in the bed or the flat and then in the morning tried to tell myself it was all a dream.

 

[Bia]

I think you should stay out of it. Support her, like you have, but don''t bring it up. It happened, and its over. She already knows he''s a dog and she wants to leave him. This will just hurt her even more. And for what?

This happened to me before and although I was torn over telling my friend, I did. The only reason I did was because she said she going to leave him. She was horrified and heartbroken. She confronted him and he admitted it, and yet, after breaking it off, she went back for more...but in the process, she dumped me. When they were eventually over, our friendship couldn''t be the same. I regret ever saying anything. Although I know she doesn''t think I did anything to warrant her bf making a pass, the idea alone was something she couldn''t help but hash over. Friendships often can''t survive these things...at least mine couldn''t and we were pretty close.

JMHO though. I wish your friend the best...

 

[monarch64]

I''m going through a divorce right now for many of the same reasons. I do NOT want to know about any additional ''crimes'' my stbx committed during the time we were together. If one of my so-called "friends" came to me now and told me that he hit on her, I honestly wouldn''t have much to do with her again. I am in need of support from my friends, not more ammo to use against my husband. Your friend has already made her choice and has all the reasons she needed to have left him, you don''t need to add fuel to the fire because you feel "haunted". Don''t make it her problem too.

 

[oobiecoo]

I think you should tell her. You''re not doing her any favors by keeping it to yourself IMO. I''d definitely want to know! It sounds like she knew she wasn''t in the best relationship but stayed anyway. If you tell her this incident while she is contemplating divorce then it may make her more likely to go through with it. Some people just threaten it and never follow through but she clearly needs to be out of this marriage.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''ve been in this same situation, but I wasn''t married. My best friend (a guy) is my ex-boyfriends cousin. The ex had been cheating on me for years, and when I found out, my best friend told me about an incident that had occurred between my ex and another girl while I was in another room in a house that we were all at.

Honestly, I don''t think you should tell her. I wasn''t mad at my friend since I know he was in a weird situation and didn''t want to get invovled. What it did was just make me feel even more stupid that everyone knew what was going on and I didn''t. I could''ve definitely lived without the information.

She''s already made her decision, I don''t think more fuel needs to be added to the fire. It will only make her more uspet, and humiliated. I realize you probably feel guilty, but I think you should have told her right away, or just keep it to yourself.

Good Luck, Italia. Rough situation for your friend. Just remember to be supportive, and from what I can tell from PS, you seem like you''d be a great friend.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:50:27 PM
Author: neatfreak
No benefit to telling her now. You should have told her then, you didn''t. Now will only stress your friendship IMO and make her not trust you.

agreed 100%

 

[luvmyhalo]

Date: 11/6/2008 5:06:33 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 11/6/2008 3:50:27 PM
Author: neatfreak
No benefit to telling her now. You should have told her then, you didn''t. Now will only stress your friendship IMO and make her not trust you.

agreed 100%

Ditto!!! She''s already decided to end the marriage. Telling her now will just make her feel worse and could hurt your friendship.

 

[AGBF]

I couldn''t agree more with the majority of the respondents who say that there is absolutely nothing to be gained from telling your friend of yet another betrayal on the part of her husband! She feels bad enough already! It isn''t as if you have to bring her to recognize reality! Just be a good, supportive friend who builds her up, not someone who makes her feel even less wanted when she is down!


Deb

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you ladies...all of you!

I think, at least for now, I''ll continue to keep the secret. Right now she''s going thru so much--and there is a child involved. I am going to just be the best friend I can and let sleeping dogs lie...pun, intended.

 

[purrfectpear]

I sort of get why you didn''t tell her when it happened because you were hoping he was just so drunk he blurted out something stupid without really thinking.

But, when she told you he had hit on another of her friends I''m really surprised you didn''t confirm to her that it wasn''t a one time occurrence, that he''d done the same with you. Since you didn''t spill the beans then, I agree it''s pointless now when she''s already down.

 

[AprilBaby]

MC couldn''t have put it better. Be a good friend and support and let it go.

 

[movie zombie]

if she ever asks if he made a pass tell her, if she doesn''t ask then keep silent.

movie zombie

 

[Irishgrrrl]

I totally agree with MZ. If she asks, be honest with her. If she never asks, don''t bring it up. Italia, I totally understand why you chose not to say anything, and I honestly think that was the right decision. You were trying to protect your friend''s feelings, and you were doing what you thought was best for her and her marriage. Please don''t beat yourself up about it. She obviously DOES know now what kind of person he is (which is why she''s divorcing him), and she found out even though you didn''t tell her. That indicates that she found out some other way . . . maybe he did something similar to another friend and that person told her? At any rate, she knows that he''s a jerk, and it doesn''t really matter how she found out. She DID find out, and I''m sure it hurt a lot at the time, and I''m sure you''re glad you didn''t cause her any pain.

I have been in similar situations with two friends in the past:

Friend 1 was dating her SO for a number of years, and he tried something with me shortly after they got engaged. I told him off in no uncertain terms, but I did not tell Friend 1. Her SO had a bad habit of doing these kinds of things, and he had cheated on her several times in the past. She was AWARE of all of this, and already KNEW that he was a cheater, but chose to marry him anyway. I felt that anything I told her would only add to her pain, when she had obviously already made the decision to marry him in spite of the cheating. So I chose not to say anything.

Friend 2 lives with her SO and has for several years. He, too, has been known for cheating in the past (mainly cheating on his exes, before he and Friend 2 got together). Friend 2, her SO, me and DH all went on vacation together for a week. One night we were all playing cards, and Friend 2 got tired and went to bed. DH smoked at the time (he has since quit, thank God!) and he went outside for a cigarette. While he was outside, Friend 2''s SO said some inappropriate things. I told him he was out of line, and he immediately dropped it. He was pretty intoxicated at the time, so I didn''t mention it to anyone. As far as I know, he has never done anything like that before or since. Like you, I didn''t want to cause my friend any pain just because her SO said something stupid on one isolated occasion when he was drunk.

Again, I think you did the right thing by not telling her, and I would only tell her if she asks. You''re a good friend.

Date: 11/6/2008 4:10:03 PM
Author: beau13

I totally agree..alot of my friend''s husbands have come onto me, or flirted, (usually when intoxicated), and I would NEVER tell my friend(s) whether or not their marriage is good or bad. WHY?? None of my business...and I never got involved with the guy, so there really isn''t anything to tell. I think most men are tempted by other women, whether or not they act on that temptation is a different story..but it''s often too common, and those women who think their husband would NEVER look at another girl, flirt with them, or even stray from the marriage (one night stand/affair) are very naive. Most women just don''t know about it..and it''s likely better that way!! I have less ''faithful'' hubbys (in my circle of friends, and people I know) than those who I KNOW are cheaters, and the wife likley knows it too (but tends to play dumb) & it isn''t something we talk about! I have seen people confront their friends about flirty/cheating husbands, and the wife will ALWAYS side with her husband , and usually ends the relationship with the person(friend) who spoke out. Like Neatfreak said, telling her will only put stress on your relationship with her!

Beau, I have to say, I think that statement is a little harsh. Of course, there are a lot of dogs out there who wouldn''t think twice if presented with the opportunity. But, there are also a lot of really good, honest guys who wouldn''t do anything like that. I think my DH is one of the really good, honest guys. Maybe I''m naive.

 

[bee*]

I agree with MC and nf. I wouldn''t tell her now. She is already leaving him and is probably very upset and she might be upset that you didn''t tell her at the time.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks again everyone...I was really afraid I would be raked across the coals for this, and I appreciate your understand and advice.

I am completely planning on keep this issue quiet.

Thanks, again!

 

[Sha]

Date: 11/7/2008 11:13:37 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thanks again everyone...I was really afraid I would be raked across the coals for this, and I appreciate your understand and advice.

I am completely planning on keep this issue quiet.

Thanks, again!

I agree with keeping it quiet for now, but I think that if she does consider going back with him ....then you should tell her.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 11/6/2008 3:43:24 PM
Author: MC

Date: 11/6/2008 3:38:47 PM
Author: alli_esq

Yes, I would absolutely want to know. And no, I wouldn''t shoot the messenger, though I would be angry that it took her so long to tell me.

But that''s just me. I like to know the truth so I can decide things on my own.

The friend has already decided what to do, though - leave her DH, so there isn''t any reason to tell her. It''s just putting salt on a wound.

I don''t agree. Just trying a separation is different than cutting all ties with another person. This is a man to whom she will inevitably have a connection for a long time, seeing as they have a child together. I just personally think it''s important to know all the facts, even if a person has made the decision to leave. It may, as others have said, help to make a more permanent decision about him based on his character.

And Italia, I didn''t mean to sound preachy--I understand why you didn''t tell your friend, and I''m not judging you at all (who am I to judge????)...you just asked for opinions and asked what we would want. I am sure you will handle this tough situation with as much grace as you seem to on PS

 

[FrekeChild]

I would want to know.

I was in a similar situation not too long ago...bear with me, this is quite the soap opera--and shortened quite a bit, believe it or not.

I used to be best friends with this guy S. He and I were like 3 peas in a pod with another guy L. I was also casual friends with a girl D. D's best friend was A, but also best friends with L's sister J. Well D had a birthday party, and I was invited. I brought S along because I didn't want to go alone. S immediately saw A and took a liking to her (she's a hottie!). She gave him her phone number and soon after they were a couple. S and L were roommates at the time.

A couple months later, S and L had a couple of people over, including L's sister, J. I had been there, but went home early (and got into a moderate car accident on the way home). Around 2am, I start getting phone calls, but my phone was on silent, and I was passed out. I woke up the next day to over 20 phone calls and who knows how many text messages. Turns out, S and J had gotten drunk, and ended up making out on L's bed. L walked in on this. S was drunk, and L was ENRAGED because not long before, S had told L that L never had to worry about L's little sister with S. So S gets into his car and drives to his parent's home drunk. D was in attendance and witnessed the entire thing.

D chose to protect J, and therefore S, and did not tell A, even though she knew that A would never want to be with someone who would cheat on her. So instead A and S's relationship got more and more serious, and I swam with the guilt that I knew this secret, and although I was great friends with S, I really liked A a lot, and knew that if our situations were reversed, that I would WANT TO KNOW.

Finally, a month or so after this happened, S broke it off with A. Why? You don't want to know, but he's a total disgusting pig--and it had nothing to do with J or any other girl. I had been talking to A over the internet for a while, and finally I just couldn't take it anymore, so I told her the entire story. She was devastated. But she never blamed me, and instead thanked me profusely for telling her the truth. And the reason for her devastation was that D, her supposed best friend, knew about it, refused to tell her and decided instead to protect J. S had already demonstrated that he was a scumbag and she didn't need any more evidence in that case.

Did I feel horribly guilty for confessing S's secret to A? Yes. Incredibly so. But I felt 1000 times more guilty about keeping it from A. And I'm so glad I didn't.

Now: A is my best friend. She cherishes my honesty, and she knows without a doubt that she can trust me. Anytime she has a problem or something comes up, she knows I'll give it to her straight and that I'm not going to mess around with any BS. She and L have been dating for over a year and a half. They plan on getting married when one of them finishes school. D and A haven't talked since the incident. L and I no longer talk to S, although he occasionally contacts A because he figured out soon after he dumped her that she was the best thing that ever happened to him.

ETA: I don't know if that will help at all, but reading your story brought back those memories, and I needed to share them because of the parallels. Drunkenness is NEVER an excuse in my book.