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[alli_esq]

Weddings are so unbelievably expensive.

I''m not planning anything yet (my FI and I just got engaged 2 months ago and I am studying for the bar exam, so I''m not ready to start that yet), but one of my closest childhood friends who lives in the area I will be getting married is starting to look at venues, and from what she and her mother have discovered, $40,000 is about the minimum if you want to get married anytime besides January or February (which would scare me to no end, considering many of the people I would want at my wedding would be coming in from various out-of-town locales, and living in the Northeast typically means snow in January-February).

I don''t have ANYTHING LIKE that kind of money...and although I know a few wealthy families, I really don''t understand how, in this economy, anyone of reasonable means could afford that kind of thing.

I mean, I know there are ways to stretch a budget...but when the venue itself costs $20,000-$25,000 by itself, I just don''t know how people do it.

I know a lot of you are able to have beautiful weddings with limited budgets. I am SO not crafty or creative, so I worry about myself.

::sigh:: No point to this post really. Just a little shellshocked.

 

[neatfreak]

Yes, certain venues will run you that much. But there are MANY venues that won't. Don't worry just yet, there are plenty of options for brides that need to be more budget conscious even in the most expensive metro areas.

The people who say these kinds of things have their eyes set on a specific (often overpriced) venue. If you are flexible, your budget can be used a lot more discriminatingly!

 

[musey]

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the US for weddings: Los Angeles.

I made a lot of use out of projectwedding.com and the gathering guide. What''s helped us a lot is the size of our guest list (under 100) and the fact that we''re using very minimal flowers (budget is ~$250, where many people go to $2000+).

Have you considered a destination wedding? If we hadn''t found a way to make LA work with our budget, I definitely would''ve chosen some small mountain town for a destination wedding. Or a very small fete? Ceremony outside in a low or no rental fee area, dinner and drinks at a restaurant afterward?

 

[musey]

Also, different venues handle their pricing really differently. Some are just a flat rental fee of $XXX, some charge per-person with a minimum number, etc. Especially with venues who include catering (like ours), they tend to favor the latter option.

For us, per person pricing was what we sought out because we''d always hover right around their minimum, so it was more cost-effective to pay per person. On the other hand, if you have a very large guest list, it often makes more sense to pay the flat rental fee and hire a caterer.

 

[alli_esq]

I know. I''m sure I''m going to have to just change my idea of what I want for my wedding (not that I had made any real decisions yet)...but I know I cannot do a destination wedding because the people I care most about being there won''t be there. And of everything, the MOST important part of getting married, for me, is saying our vows in front of the people who mean the most to me.

Flowers are not important to me. I''ve always wanted a band, but that will be scrapped. I would love a Friday or Saturday night wedding, but I understand Sunday afternoon is far more reasonable, even though I''m sad about that (especially since that will mean at least some of the people I want to be there won''t be able to make it). Invitations will have to be very low-budget (which scares me, again, because I''m really incapable of doing anything artistic myself). My FSIL is a hair-dresser and will do my hair and makeup as my gift (and any bridesmaids, too). I''m sure I will only wear jewelry that I already own or that my mother does. My guests will have to get used to the idea that there will be chicken and not filet mignon.

But even then, there are a lot of things that add up. I have a VERY preliminary guest list of approximately 120, and if we add kids, it is about 140 (and that''s without dates for many of the guests, including my own brother). I am sure we''ll have to cut that down.

How do so many people do this in my hometown?

 

[musey]

I''m sorry it''s so stressful... believe me, if there''s anyone who will understand, it''s other brides

We''ve all been through it to some degree.

My guess as far as other people doing it in your hometown would be that a lot of them have been planning and saving for it for years.

Though I''m still not convinced that it can''t be done for less in your hometown. I don''t know where you are, obviously, but it would really surprise me if it''s that much more expensive than what I''ve seen here (unless your hometown is Manhattan), since we''re supposed to be in one of THE most expensive wedding areas. I had a lot of sticker shock at first, until I really learned how to look for venues (not just perusing theknot.com). Then I realized that the more expensive ones are just more expensive because they can be... they''re more popular/well-known, so people are willing to pay whatever it takes to get them. If you dig, you''ll find the ones that are lesser-known and lower-cost.

I really strongly recommend you spend a LOT of time looking for venues. I looked at listings for over a month before even visiting anywhere. The more you look, the more reasonable places you''ll discover. If I''d gone with what I''d found in the first week or two, our venue/catering budget would have had to be $45,000

Instead it''s $12,000. We could still have done it for less, but that hit the happy medium for us.

 

[alli_esq]

Thank you for being so understanding, musey! You are a doll! (and your e-ring is absolutely stunning!)

My hometown is just outside Manhattan, so although it is surely less expensive than the city itself, the prices are still outrageous.

I really should not be thinking about any of this right now. I''m just so avoiding dealing with studying and job-searching, it''s pathetic. hehe

 

[miraclesrule]

Alli,

You would be surprised at how creative one can get without doing the whole traditional wedding blowout.

My daughter is getting married on a Friday night because it was HALF the cost for the minimum of a Saturday night. Actually, Friday and Sunday were both the same half off cost.

The options are endless if you do a lot of research and allow yourself the time to explore all of your options. If you give yourself only 6 months to plan and arrange a wedding for 150 guests, then you usually end up paying more than you would if you gave yourself more time to plan something unique but still acceptable to you and your FH.

It will all work out.

 

[alli_esq]

Thank you, miraclesrule. You are right--I absolutely need to do more research before I freak out (of course, I am prone to freaking out prematurely...hehe).

On a side note, I have been following your daughter''s wedding gown story, and I have to say: you are an awesome mom, and no matter what happens with your lovely daughter''s gown, she will be gorgeous. It is just so special to plan a wedding with your mom (I know it would be no fun at all for me if my mom weren''t involved), and she must be so happy to have you in her corner.

 

[Pandora II]

You don''t HAVE to invite dates for people.

We set a rule of married/engaged/living together for over a year. We didn''t want people we didn''t know at our wedding. Most people are quite capable of having fun without a side-kick.

I''ve opted to do my own flowers/cake and my mother made the BM dresses. I''ve saved so much $$$ that way.

 

[fieryred33143]

My best friend and I are planning her Key West wedding for 60 people for $10,000.

It''s called DIY everything, learning how to haggle, and getting discounts. So far, we''re under budget.

She has this amazing book that she purchased online by a woman that did a wedding for $200 people for less than $20K. It gives you all kind of tips. One tip that we did and it worked out beautifully is to have the top of her cake by a cake designer and the bottom (pieces served to guest) by the local grocery store. She saved $250. I''m going to call her and get the name of the book for you

 

[alli_esq]

how sweet are you, fieryred?!

PS ladies are so awesome.

I'm with you with the dates, Pandora. The kids thing is also a problem for me because I have relatives/friends whose oldest "kids" are teenagers and whose youngest are infants. Also, for instance, I have one first cousin whose children are about 13-15 and another first cousin (her brother) who has kids ranging from 1 year to about 13. I'm much closer with some of them than others, but I figure if I invite one side, I have to invite them all...which sort of stinks because I really don't like the idea of having a ton of kids running around (many of whom are inappropriately rambunctious)...

 

[fieryred33143]

Ok she''s not answering

But I talk to her every day at work...and only about wedding stuff LOL so I''ll get the name for you.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/29/2008 5:00:43 PM
Author: alli_esq
how sweet are you, fieryred?!

PS ladies are so awesome.

I''m with you with the dates, Pandora. The kids thing is also a problem for me because I have relatives/friends whose oldest ''kids'' are teenagers and whose youngest are infants. Also, for instance, I have one first cousin whose children are about 13-15 and another first cousin (her brother) who has kids ranging from 1 year to about 13. I''m much closer with some of them than others, but I figure if I invite one side, I have to invite them all...which sort of stinks because I really don''t like the idea of having a ton of kids running around (many of whom are inappropriately rambunctious)...

We had a strict cut off of 120 and a potential 25 under-10''s.

We sent STD''s out at xmas (wedding is in 4 weeks) and wrote a personal message in each card to those with children explaining that we were only inviting immediate nieces and nephews, kids from overseas and very small babies.

That gave them all 7 months to fix baby-sitters.

We now have 3 children coming in total and no-one is not coming because they can''t bring their kids. 90% of our guests are OOT.

You are perfectly entitled to not have children at your wedding, but if you don''t have they you can''t have one rule for one and another rule for another.

 

[~*Snow*~]

Date: 6/29/2008 2:58:07 PM
Author: alli_esq
I know. I''m sure I''m going to have to just change my idea of what I want for my wedding (not that I had made any real decisions yet)...but I know I cannot do a destination wedding because the people I care most about being there won''t be there. And of everything, the MOST important part of getting married, for me, is saying our vows in front of the people who mean the most to me.

Flowers are not important to me. I''ve always wanted a band, but that will be scrapped. I would love a Friday or Saturday night wedding, but I understand Sunday afternoon is far more reasonable, even though I''m sad about that (especially since that will mean at least some of the people I want to be there won''t be able to make it). Invitations will have to be very low-budget (which scares me, again, because I''m really incapable of doing anything artistic myself). My FSIL is a hair-dresser and will do my hair and makeup as my gift (and any bridesmaids, too). I''m sure I will only wear jewelry that I already own or that my mother does. My guests will have to get used to the idea that there will be chicken and not filet mignon.

But even then, there are a lot of things that add up. I have a VERY preliminary guest list of approximately 120, and if we add kids, it is about 140 (and that''s without dates for many of the guests, including my own brother). I am sure we''ll have to cut that down.

How do so many people do this in my hometown?

Alli, a good rule of thumb is that 1/3 won''t attend... so inviting 120 guest may result in only 90-100 acctually attending.. that has a significant impact on cost, and eases the "OMG i''m going to spend WHAT per plate?!" fears.

~*S*~

 

[purrfectpear]

I don''t want to add to your stress but I believe I''ve read posts that said venues around NYC need to be booked 18 months to 2 years in advance? What about hopping over to Jersey, or Long Island?

 

[alli_esq]

thanks, fieryred!

I hear ya, Snow...of course, I don''t want to DEPEND on people not attending; I wouldn''t want to invite more people than I could actually afford.

purrfect pear--actually, I will be getting married in Jersey (it''s just close to the city)...and I assume it won''t be for at least another 18 months anyway...but thanks!

 

[mjso]

Hi Alli,

I have definitely been having wedding sticker shock. I live in Los Angeles, but I''m getting married in NJ where I grew up. Our wedding budget right now is around $35,000. It kills me to think I''m actually spending that amount on 1 day!!! Well, I''m not really spending it, my parents are.

I think a lot of weddings in NJ are paid for by the parents of the bride or couple. I know I could NEVER afford to pay for the wedding we are having by myself.

I am trying to keep costs down, - we are getting married on a friday night instead of saturday, I am not huge on flowers, so I''m thinking of doing a non-floral centerpiece, etc.

One thing to keep in mind about NJ venues is a lot of times the "per person" charge includes a full open bar, all of the food, the wedding cake, etc. So while the price may seem steep, it might include more than you think.

We have a $12,000 minimum for the friday night in May we are getting married. At $125 a head and a $1000 ceremony fee, that comes out to around 88 people, which I''m sure we will go over.

How far from the city are you willing to go? There are a lot of amazing venues by the ocean (my venue is about 50 miles from NYC and if the day is clear you can see the skyline from the beach) which may be cheaper than closer to the city.

 

[alli_esq]

Hi, mjso...

there is no way that we have a $35,000 budget...my parents will help as much as possible, but only up to $20,000 (which is still a TREMENDOUS amount of money!!!!!)...and I don''t have a job yet (yet another reason I haven''t started planning seriously...I just graduated from law school and although I will be available to start working in August, I have not yet nailed down a job)...my FI is a great guy and makes a fine living for now, but he thinks weddings are generally an enormous waste of money and has told me that he will contribute only $x, and not a penny more (and the number he gave me is still FAR too much in his opinion). I will contribute as much as possible, but like I said, I don''t even have an income as of now, much less savings.

My FI''s parents are lovely people and I am extremely lucky to be marrying into such a loving family. They, however, have financial troubles and will not be contributing to our wedding (they didn''t do a single thing--economic or otherwise--for my FI''s sister when she got married 3 years ago)...I am of course not resentful that they aren''t contributing--I don''t think in this day and age (and economy) you can reasonably expect ANYONE to help with an event like this. I am very lucky that my parents are willing and able to help!

Both my and my FI''s family live about 30 miles from the city, and we will likely get married somewhere in North Jersey. We don''t want our close family to have to travel very far; none of his friends or family live outside the tri-state area, and almost everyone he cares about lives in North Jersey--though I have a lot of out-of-town family.

There are many, many venues in our area and I will just have to see what we can find. I would be very happy to have a Friday night wedding (CERTAINLY much happier than a Sunday wedding), but from what little I know, I have been told that Friday nights are almost identical in price to Saturdays...though I''m sure you know better than I do!

 

[mjso]

The difference in price from our Friday instead of Saturday night is $125 pp instead of $145 pp and a $12,000 minimum instead of $15,000 which isn''t extremely different, but still a few thousand dollars different!

If I were to have it one weekend earlier, in April, it would only be a $8,500 minimum and only $100 pp. But the weddings they do in April are inside and I really wanted to get married on the beach. If I was just using it for the reception and using a church for the ceremony, I definitely would have done April instead!

I found this public spreadsheet on the northern new jersey knot forums, but a lot of these places might be too far south for you.

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pdSUvpqsvHXsEtGIE8x57Rw&gid=0

 

[doodle]

the date you select will change the price a lot if you pick an off-season month, too. i know we could''ve cut the price for our venue literally in half if we had selected a date in november-march. find a venue early so you don''t pay extra for last-minute kind of stuff (keep in mind that "last-minute" in the bridal industry, particularly around NY, is still a LOOOOONG while off), and other than that, there''s lots of ways to DIY even if you aren''t crafty. i mean, for example, on invitations--buy solid white ones at wal-mart, print them, and tie a ribbon around them in your colors. cute, cheap, easy. for me, i''ve had a MUCH harder time managing the guest list than i have keeping the budget reasonable! good luck, and don''t panic--it''s not as bad as it seems.

 

[Haven]

Don''t spend any more than you can afford. I have seen so many of my friends begin their wedding planning with level heads (like you) and end with debt. DON''T DO IT!

That being said, you''ve gotten some great advice on how to cut costs. We had the most hidden costs associated with our venue. We''re marrying in my synagogue, which SHOULD cost less than a fancy shmancy Chicago hotel, right? Wrong. We''re spending much more than if we had used a hotel because we have to rent EVERYTHING. So be careful about that.

Tap into the human resources surrounding you. My mother is a talented calligrapher, so she hand calligraphied all of our invites, our program, menu, and place cards.

Take a deep breath. Enjoy the planning process. And keep the real goal in mind: a long, happy marriage. And sign on to PS frequently, we''re here to help.

 

[alli_esq]

thank you all for your great advice

doodle--yes, I assume that we''ll do the off-season thing...I just don''t want to do it during the winter months when there is a good chance that there will be snow and people will not be able to come in from out of town (I''d say December though March is problematic in the Northeast)...

haven--yes, yes, yes. I can''t agree with you more than what you say about the debt stuff. I just accumulated six figures worth of debt in law school and NO WAY am I starting off my marriage with credit card debt too. We are lucky that the only debt we have is educational, between the two of us, and as much as it pains us to make those payments, I know that our education is the reason we will (hopefully) be able to support ourselves in the future. You are so luck that your mom is a great calligrapher! My mom used to be AMAZING at crafts and did beautiful calligraphy too, but that was years ago before she got sick. Unfortunately, she is too shaky now to do much of anything.
My FSIL, as I mentioned, is a hairdresser, which is something I appreciate, since she has great taste and will definitely help me look presentable--she also has been in countless weddings and knows a lot about planning. However, she and her husband are much more comfortable financially than my FI and I are, so I''m not sure she cut any corners with her wedding, though I am all ears to any suggestions she might have as well.

You girls are super sweet. Thanks again

 

[ljsmith001]

Try to stay positive! It is so frustrating that weddings are SO expensive and everyone says it will go by so fast you won''t even have time to blink, but its your day and you will want it lovely!! My FI and I are trying to stay at 20,000 and thats ONLY because my parents and his are helping us. We have done SO much with that amount. An amazing caterer, open bar for 4 hours, harpist during the ceremony, DJ for reception, ice luge for martinis, beautiful dress, venue, flowers, etc. You can do it!! I could have done without some of the things and got the price down significantly lower, it depends on what you''re willing to give on! I decided on an 800 dollar dress opposed to a 3,000 dollar one that i really wanted just to have money for other things! You can make it work, take a deep breath, relax and get ready to plan!!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to step in and say again like others have said, you CAN do this for less than a huge amount! Just takes know-how, good tips, and time. Everything will work out, just take deep breaths!

 

[fieryred33143]

The name of the book is “Fire Your Wedding Planner” by Stephi Stewart. Its an ebook.

 

[alli_esq]

Thank you so much for all your kind words, folks...

And thanks for that title, fieryred! I will definitely read that before I start seriously planning--what a great help!

 

[tberube]

You''re totally right. Weddings are out of control, and the entire wedding industry is out to get as much of your money as they can. It''s just a truth. If you''re going to have a traditional wedding, you''re going to have to drop some cash, no doubt. But depending on where you live, you can find ways to have a beautiful event with a smaller budget. I have been to $75,000 weddings, and I have been to $6,000 weddings, and I have had just as great a time at both. I''m having mine a few miles outside of the Boston area and my total budget is $10,000. Sure, I had to do a little more footwork and DIY to get it that way, but its a choice I made.

Bottom line, I wouldn''t let the price of weddings get you down. Enjoy your engagement (you only get to be a fiance once!!) Take your bar exam, and then you''ll be a professional and who knows, in a couple of years maybe you WILL be making that kind of money! But either way, you can most certainly plan a gorgeous wedding at any budget that you desire.

 

[Stephanie]

Alli, one thing that really helped us out was asking for a discount for paying cash/check instead of using a cc. Our venue gave us 10% off just for paying cash. Of course, we did a ton of research on the company, verified any issues with the company and BBB, have contracts, reciepts - everything to cover our hides. Our venue does the cakes, flowers, catering so it took 10% off of all that. It was the greatest news. Just asking for a discount will get your further than you think. Also, it helped that we had a long engagement (about 15 months when we get married) so I asked for discounts for booking a year plus in advanced. We are having a November wedding because the colors are just beautiful about the second week into the month and we bypassed the October price jacks. For photography, just look for someone that is just getting started and needs to build a portfolio. I know there are several brides on here that have gotten fab deals that way. And not everything stationary has to be DIY. Just have somethings printed at staples and have an assembly party with some girlfriends (or bridesmaids). They can cut and print inserts for a nice price.

 

[Haven]

Alli--Congrats on your law degree. Educational debt is worth every penny, in my opinion. I have quite a bit of my own, but like you, that''s the ONLY debt I carry.

I also meant to say earlier that we''ve been to so many weddings over the last few years, and really the most lovely and heartwarming wedding was a dear friend''s. They had the reception in a small reception hall, they did most of the details DIY, and their total budget was $10,000 because they were paying for it themselves and they didn''t want any debt. It was perfect. I loved every minute of it, and so did the bride and groom.

We''ve also been to some really extraordinarily expensive weddings, my FI''s friends are all a bit older, and they all spent around $60,000 to $70,000 on big Chicago weddings. They were lovely, but still the most wonderful experience was that first one I told you about.

My FI and I started with a very small budget, ended up getting an incredibly generous gift from my parents for the wedding, so now we''re going to end up spending about $40,000 on the entire thing. The basics of the wedding are exactly the same as they were when we were working with our small budget (same venue, day, etc.) but the extra money allowed us to get little extravagances we weren''t planning on having, yet really wanted in the first place--engraved invitations, my Melissa Sweet gown, a particular caterer. I''m happy that we didn''t change the feel of the wedding when our budget grew, because I think that''s when the whole thing starts to feel a bit put on.

GOOD LUCK on the bar exam, and on starting your law career and your marriage!