80% of women unhappy...

[bopitaddict]

i heard on the radio this morning that 80% of women are unhappy with the way they were proposed... of course they were happy with the proposal, but weren''t happy with the way it came about...

that being said, how much more pressure do you want to put on us guys? hehe...

i had to rethink my ideas... i had initially thought i was going to propose at a place where we had a ''defining'' moment in our relationship... early in our relationship, we just walked along this area and talked for hours... just talking... so the idea is sort of simple and sentimental.

and then today, i heard this statistic on the radio...

i guess i could make it more extravagent, but all i hear is that things don''t usually go as planned... things possible are horseback riding, dressing up in a suit of armor, going to a foreign country, going on a cruise...

i guess my question is, is it the moment? or is it the whole mystique and presentation of the proposal?

thanks for your responses ahead of time...

 

[bstraszheim]

I remember my father telling me, during a discussion about marriage, that women tend to look at The Wedding as the ultimate "ending" of the relationship, as though it''s a goal, whereas men tended to look at the wedding as the beginning of the marriage. I''m probably going to get flamed by some of the women here, but I must say that I myself am a woman, although was raised by a man. I just think that men and women do tend to look at the proposal, wedding and marriage in a different way. Hence "boy soon" and "girl soon"

My proposal went something like this: We had talked of marriage and that it was something we wanted to do, then lying in bed one night, my then boyfriend said "So, do you want to get hitched?" I did not get an engagement ring until we had been married for 5.5 years. I think that in my heart I did want the ring, but it did not make sense financially for us at the time and now I have a ring that I love and not just one I settled for.

We did not have a big hoopla wedding, his Dad married us in their home (he is a minister), we had home made lasagna and cake as our ''reception''. We were surrounded only by people who meant a great deal to us. And I wouldn''t change a thing. Even if we had had the money, I don''t think that I would have wanted the huge wedding. I''m just not like that.

In answer to your questions (in a long, rambling way!). I think it depends on the couple. If your girl is one who dreams about the perfect wedding, perfect dress etc, then you should plan something elaborate because you will want her to remember that moment for your whole marriage. If your girl is not such a romantic, then a "so, do you want to get hitched?" should do fine : )

Personally, I really like your idea of proposing where you had some really close personal moments. just talking. It shows that you remembered and that you cherish those moments.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[elepri]

I''m wondering if those 80% of women are not happy with the actual setting of the proposal or the circumstances surrounding it. Perhaps it has more to do with feeling like the proposal was not romantic enough or spontaneous enough in a grand scheme of things. Like if they had to wait for it longer than they wanted or felt like they had to somehow pressure the guy into the proposal. I really doubt that most women are not happy that their boyfriends didn''t show up on a white horse to propose. Honestly, i like your original proposal idea best, it''s romantic yet personal and not overly dramatic. However, it really depends on your girlfriend''s personality and you know her best. What do you think she would like?

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 3/1/2005 9:44:17 AM
Author: bstraszheim

If your girl is not such a romantic, then a ''so, do you want to get hitched?'' should do fine : )

Hi Bridget,

Thank you for sharing your story and reaffirming my initial thoughts... My gf is also a very practical girl, she appreciates the simple things in life; I just might use different wording when I propose if that''s ok.

bopit

 

[IrishEyes]

For me, it was both the proposal and the moment. We were going to war ( we''re both in the army) and it was one of those moments in life when everything suddenly becomes clear, and your priorities are right in front of you. We had been together for 5 years at that point, and had planned on it for the future anyway. We knew at that point that there was nothing else in the world that would make us happier! He got down on one knee, didn''t have a ring, and told me how much he loved me and how he couldn''t see a life without me. I started giggling and clapping and said "yes! yes!" and will hugged and kissed and cried and told all of our friends! We go the rings later on. I don''t dislike my proposal one bit! There is nothing I would change about it, especially the part where I got the man of my dreams for a husband.

I think that statistic could mean a couple of different things. As someone mentioned above, it may be the surrounding ( possibly aesthetic) environment? Or maybe some women really obsessed over it being a certain way, and then inevitably let down when it went somewhat different. I don''t know for sure, can''t speak for them.....

Just remember this: however you do it, if your girlfriend truly loves you, she will just be glad that you asked her to spend her life with you. Period. The proposal itself may not be "perfect" but then again, what is??!! She will be thrilled to be having a lifetime with you, and in the end, that is the ONLY thing that really matters

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 3/1/2005 9:50:11 AM
Author: elepri
I''m wondering if those 80% of women are not happy with the actual setting of the proposal or the circumstances surrounding it. Perhaps it has more to do with feeling like the proposal was not romantic enough or spontaneous enough in a grand scheme of things.; Like if they had to wait for it longer than they wanted or felt like they had to somehow pressure the guy into the proposal. I really doubt that most women are not happy that their boyfriends didn''t show up on a white horse to propose.

Hi elepri,

It sounded like they liked the thought, but they weren''t so thrilled with the presentation. One caller talked about how her bf put the ring on the oil stick in the car and asked her to check the oil and that''s where she found the ring... others complained that their bf couldn''t (no offense bridget) say "will you marry me?" instead, they used "so, u wanna?" or "how about it? you and me?"

i do think she''d appreciate the simple, personal way... but don''t all women want the white knight?

 

[JCJD]

Date: 3/1/2005 10:13:53 AM
Author: bopitaddict
i do think she''d appreciate the simple, personal way... but don''t all women want the white knight?

I''d disagree to some extent... I think that what all women truly want is evidence that their boyfriend put thought and care into planning the proposal. We want to know that he truly knows our ins and outs and knows what will make us swoon, and cares about and loves us enough to put that energy into it! So if your girlfriend would LOVE a huge public display over her, you should hire a skywriter or something. But if she''ll turn giddy over sweet nothings whispered in her ear during the sunset, then you can take a walk in a park and propose then. It''s about knowing her, and if you''re proposing, you probably know her well enough to imagine the kind of proposal she''ll be proud to tell your grandkids.

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 3/1/2005 10

4:20 AM
Author: IrishEyes

Just remember this: however you do it, if your girlfriend truly loves you, she will just be glad that you asked her to spend her life with you. Period. The proposal itself may not be ''perfect'' but then again, what is??!! She will be thrilled to be having a lifetime with you, and in the end, that is the ONLY thing that really matters

Hi Irisheyes,

Thanks for the reassurement and putting everything back in perspective. I guess watching the Bachelorette last night and seeing our own Chicago Jenn (I think I read another post of yours giving advice on proposing in Chicago) saying no (not that I think my gf would say no

) and then the proposal statistic this morning played with my mind a bit more. Further evidence that TV rots your brain.

Thanks again.

 

[bstraszheim]

I have been thinking about this a bit more, I think that the statistic is out of whack. Do you really think that 8 out of 10 women were unhappy with the proposal. Also, who did they ask? 10 bitter divorcees or 10 just proposed to women??

The "so, do you want to get hitched?" is very much in the laid back way of my husband. I love him and a big production with him on bended knee would have been very uneasy for me, and so *not* the man I love and married. No offense taken : )

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[fountainfairfax]

I wonder if many women were unhappy because the proposal only came about after a lot of delay, hurt feelings, mis-communications, false starts, broken promises, deadlines (real or imagined) having passed....that because it took either nagging or pleading on their part to get to the proposal that the magic was lost.

when my ex-husband finally proposed it was six years into the relationship, we had been to wayyyy too many weddings and had so many "discussions" that the actual proposal was merely a formality. how disappointing is that?!

 

[IrishEyes]

Bopitaddict - no problem! You''re from Chi-town too? I''m a little downstate now, but originally from the south side of the city. So when are you thinking of popping the question?

 

[Gale]

I think this statistic might have some truth in it. "Ya wanna get hitched?" doesn''t really sound like anything special. It''s sort of like "So, ya wanna go to the movies?" Just an everyday thing. And a proposal is not an everyday thing. Not to hurt anyone''s feelings or slam the way in which they were proposed to - every couple is different and every proposal scenario is different.

Romance is defined by the people involved and the moment. I don''t think it takes a big, fancy, elaborate plan to make a proposal special or romantic. Some thoughtfulness though, is sure to be appreciated. Like the thoughtfulness you have in thinking to take your girl to a place that has meaning to the two of you. That''s very sweet. You can elaborate on that very simple plan with a little more imagination. What time of day will you propose? How will the weather be (chilly, warm)? Will a little picnic work, or can you carry a split of champagne along with you somehow? What will you do afterwards to celebrate this very special moment?

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 3/1/2005 10:27

2 AM
Author: JCJD

But if she''ll turn giddy over sweet nothings whispered in her ear during the sunset, then you can take a walk in a park and propose then. It''s about knowing her, and if you''re proposing, you probably know her well enough to imagine the kind of proposal she''ll be proud to tell your grandkids.

grandkids?!?!

haha... one baby step at a time...

 

[codex57]

Date: 3/1/2005 9:25:56 AM
Author:bopitaddict
i heard on the radio this morning that 80% of women are unhappy with the way they were proposed... of course they were happy with the proposal, but weren''t happy with the way it came about...

I''d like to think this was just a bad sample. Otherwise, no wonder we have so many divorces. I don''t blame only the guys either. I think it''s not enough effort on the guys and unrealistic expectations from the girl.

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 3/1/2005 10:51

5 AM
Author: IrishEyes
Bopitaddict - no problem! You're from Chi-town too? I'm a little downstate now, but originally from the south side of the city. So when are you thinking of popping the question?

i'm in the bucktown area... WAS thinking before i turned 30 (in a couple of weeks)... but now more realistically, when it gets a little warmer outside... gotta plan out this elaborate, but simple scheme (is that an oxymoron?)... more details to come.

 

[bar01]

It does not surpise me. We guys can be pretty dumb about these things....

When my gal and I were getting close to me proposing (lots of teasing and hints going back and forth) - she finally said to me "I don''t care what kind of ring you give me - it is how you give it to me that matters..." She recounted a story about how her first husband had proposed in the middle of a frustrating discussion on the freeway – and he basically flung the ring across the seat and said - here! She did not formally answer him for a few days -and in retrospect she should have said NO! (LOL!)

Anyway I made sure my proposal was about as romantic/exotic/memorable/special as I could come up with.

Of course the ring was pretty spectacular too....

 

[JCJD]

Date: 3/1/2005 11:40:16 AM
Author: bopitaddict

Date: 3/1/2005 10:27

2 AM

Author: JCJD


But if she''ll turn giddy over sweet nothings whispered in her ear during the sunset, then you can take a walk in a park and propose then. It''s about knowing her, and if you''re proposing, you probably know her well enough to imagine the kind of proposal she''ll be proud to tell your grandkids.

grandkids?!?!

haha... one baby step at a time...

Left...... Right....... Left.......

 

[JCJD]

Date: 3/1/2005 1:22:33 PM
Author: Bertrand
''I don''t care what kind of ring you give me - it is how you give it to me that matters...''

A B S O L U T E L Y!!!!!


My fiance proposed without a ring. We went out to a nice restaurant, had a lovely time - great food, wonderful company

, stimulating conversation - and then he proposed in the middle of a movie on his couch. Simple, sweet, meaningful, totally "us", not over-the-top, in other words - PERFECT (for me at least!)!!!

 

[Gale]

JCDC - weren''t the two of you watching one of the Lord of the Rings movies? I remember your proposal story - very nice!

 

[elepri]

My fiance had made all these plans to propose at a romantic dinner, except that he got so nervous, he popped the question at a mall on the way to the restaurant. Actually, he forgot the question too, i had to remind him that he was supposed to ask me before he started grabbing my hand (the wrong one) trying to put the ring on. I don''t know, maybe a tiny little part of me wishes he''d waited till we were in a more romantic setting but the fact that he was so excited and nervous that he just couldn''t wait another minute just means a lot more to me. Plus it was a complete surprise, while a restaurant proposal probably wouldn''t have been so unexpected. It seems like guys feel a lot of pressure to do a perfect proposal but, honestly, i don''t know how important it is that the proposal is perfectly orchestrated. As long as it''s thoughtful, sincere, and comes long before the woman gave up all hope, it''ll be great.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 3/1/2005 1:48:12 PM
Author: Gale
JCDC - weren't the two of you watching one of the Lord of the Rings movies? I remember your proposal story - very nice!

Yup!! Thank you!!!

It was Return of the King.

elepri - My FI didn't wait 7 hours after getting my ring before he gave it to me! We were Christmas shopping, and he had it in his coat pocket, which explains why he couldn't stop smiling at me!! He was so excited to give me my ring - isn't that a great feeling??? Your proposal story makes me so happy! Isn't it great knowing that your FH was so excited that he forgot what he was "supposed" to be doing?

 

[Gale]

Elepri - your proposal sounds like it was wonderful. It''s nice when the guy''s so excited he can''t wait/sleep or whatever...

 

[codex57]

Date: 3/1/2005 2:12:13 PM
Author: Gale
Elepri - your proposal sounds like it was wonderful. It''s nice when the guy''s so excited he can''t wait/sleep or whatever...

You gals are cool. I know too many girls who would have viewed the same thing as "he procrastinated so much that he didn''t get teh ring until the day he proposed." Or something to that effect. I think they''re the girls who were in that study.

 

[elepri]

JCJD and Gale,
Thank you so much. I agree, it''s the best feeling knowing he was so excited to give it to you. My fiance also held on to the ring for just a few hours from getting it to putting it on my finger.

 

[Bagpuss]

You know, I can''t now actually remember the moment that we decided to get engaged. We must have discussed it and decided to do it but I can''t quite remember where we were or what we said! (I have been married nearly 30 years, I hasten to add)

What I do remember is the following.

Having decided to get married, we bought the ring, together, and then my future dh said that he''d give it to me ''officially''. He took me out to dinner that week-end to a VERY posh restaurant and made numerous attempts to give me the ring but every time he tried, the waiter kept rushing across to ask if everything was OK and could he get us anything! We were both in fits of laughter by the third attempt and the poor waiter couldn''t understand why we were laughing so hard. Eventually, dh got the ring out of the box (without the waiter appearing), leaned across the table, took me by the hand, told me he loved me very much and then asked me if I''d marry him. Of course I said yes and he slipped the ring on my finger.

That''s my idea of a romantic (and memorable) proposal which is probably why I can''t remember the bit that came before.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 3/1/2005 3:18:16 PM
Author: Bagpuss
Eventually, dh got the ring out of the box (without the waiter appearing), leaned across the table, took me by the hand, told me he loved me very much and then asked me if I''d marry him. Of course I said yes and he slipped the ring on my finger.


That''s my idea of a romantic (and memorable) proposal which is probably why I can''t remember the bit that came before.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! I have tears in my eyes - how sweet!!!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

My proposal story was sweet, typically "us," and romantic to me, but there is an aspect that both my husband and I wish we could have done differently. We got engaged in London while there for a friend''s wedding, in a little garden off Drury Lane. My husband went to Drury College in MO and it has a Drury Lane running through campus. So of course he wanted to find Drury Lane in London and then we stumbled across this really pretty, secluded garden. It had a few benches surrounded by trees and about 500 yds away, there was a small playground with a few children playing in it. We talked for awhile, then Scott got down on one knee (well, sort of crouched down over our bookbags

) and asked. The only thing was, I was already wearing the ring! He had to yank it off my finger, which was swollen from walking around all day, then he shoved it back on.

I was wearing it bc we had just picked it up the day before our trip and he wanted to propose in London but didn''t know how to get it there. We were staying in a hostel so he didn''t want to leave it in the room but also didn''t want to carry it on him. We decided the best way was for me to wear it. Silly, huh?

So in hindsight, we both wished it had been more of a surprise- like he could''ve proposed with a plain ring and we could''ve picked the ering out later- but there would''ve been tradeoffs. I never would''ve been able to share my excitement with my friends from England, who knew we started off our trip as boyfriend/girlfriend, and ended it as engaged. It meant a lot to us that a year after our engagement in London, my English friends were at our wedding here in the US. Also, I''d lived in England for a couple of years, and it was special to me that I got to show Scott my "second home" and that he proposed there.

 

[codex57]

Date: 3/2/2005 8:10:49 AM
Author: mmeowcollins

So in hindsight, we both wished it had been more of a surprise- like he could''ve proposed with a plain ring and we could''ve picked the ering out later- but there would''ve been tradeoffs. I never would''ve been able to share my excitement with my friends from England, who knew we started off our trip as boyfriend/girlfriend, and ended it as engaged. It meant a lot to us that a year after our engagement in London, my English friends were at our wedding here in the US. Also, I''d lived in England for a couple of years, and it was special to me that I got to show Scott my ''second home'' and that he proposed there.

Hey, as long as you''re happy with the proposal. It still sounds like it went really well and was really romantic. I had a similar problem. We were going on a trip the next day so I had to propose 3 hours after I got the ring. I had a place and plan picked out for SF, but I decided to go with my LA plan so I wouldn''t have to worry about hiding/transporting the ring to SF and so she could show it off to her friends and family as soon as she got up there.

 

[twinkletoes]

I think I would be happy as long as it wasn''t

1. too cheesy - not fond of the roses, rose petals everywhere thing. i''ve seen it too many times on sitcoms, reality tv, etc for it to be special for me.

2. a spectator sport - no amusement parks, hockey games, crowded restaurants, etc.

I want something romantic without trying too hard. I don''t need the rose petals all over or dozens of roses sent to me. I want the romance of a man professing his heart to me and having a moment to ourselves to laugh, whoop, cry... whatever.

Like maybe on a moonlit walk in Italy (we''re planning to go in May) after having spent a wonderful day together he''ll get down on one knee and tell me he wants to spend his forever after with me by his side.

See, no productions needed!

 

[bopitaddict]

thanks everybody for your input and sharing your beautiful and romantic proposal stories...

from everyone''s input, as long as you''re with "the one," and they make an effort (which varies depending on the relationship you''re in, which you''re supposed to know best)... then any kind of proposal can be seen as romantic and good.

i do have some issues that may arise in my ''plan''... it''s actually grown into a ''production'', so we''ll see if i can pull it off...