30 years old, with breast cancer

[Independent Gal]

One of my room-mates from graduate school just wrote to me and told me she''s got breast cancer. I''m so shocked and upset, as she''s only 30, hasn''t had her babies yet, etc. They seem to have caught it verrrry early and the prognosis is excellent, but she is very shaken up, has taken a year off from her academic career, and gone to stay with her parents in Munich while she goes through the chemo and radiation.

I want to do something for her, but beyond giving money to breast cancer research to honor her, I need ideas. So I have two questions for you ladies.

1) What would you do for a sick friend 1000''s of miles away?
2) Also, my google efforts were confusing. Is there one main charity for breast cancer research? There seem to be dozens of foundations and I can''t tell what is the central and / or best one to give to.

 

[brgirl]

I don''t have any great, unique ideas right now, but I would say that when my mother went through chemo and radiation, the cards and gift baskets and flowers/plants came in a big wave in the beginning, and not as much towards the end. (a side note - at certain stages of radiation, she couldn''t have plants/flowers inside, so any that came at the end had to stay outside...)
I think it would have been great to just get something as simple as cards in the mail regularly. Funny and or heartfelt (but not depressing) things are especially great!!

The things my mother received that she used/appreciated the most (and we use and cherish now that she''s gone)? Blankets. Some really soft and nice ones. She used them while she was getting chemo and then at night. Books and magazines to read while going through it are also good for most people (my mom got sick while reading about recipes, so she stopped reading so she wouldn''t have a bad connotation with ALL magazines!). I think a nice journal would have been nice, but I can''t say my mother would have written in it - but your friend might. It would have been nice to know what was going on in my mother''s head during the entire ordeal..

 

[neatfreak]

I think the best thing you can do is be there for her. Send her cards, call her, basically don't forget about her! In my experience ( and unfortunately I have more experience in this than I would like) people who are going through something health wise really just don't want to be forgotten by their friends. Don't let her cancer be the elephant in the room, but also don't ONLY talk about that. Tell her about your life, ask her about hers, tell her funny stories, etc. If she loses hair to chemo, send her a fab scarf in the mail from Hermes or something. Things like that really show you care and aren't going to abandon her in her time of need.

Hugs and best of luck to your friend. Breast cancer is very curable if caught early!

 

[surfgirl]

IG, I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

I agree with neat, make a plan to call her on a regular basis to check in. If you want to send a gift, why not something pampering like bath goodies or luxurious skin cream (I understand that the radiation can make one's skin very red and sensitive and dry). And I agree that your friend might really appreciate you being her "normal friend" in terms of not always talking about the cancer, but just gabbing like normal friends do. I know if it were me, I'd love a moment to NOT think about what I was going through.

There ARE a ton of Breast Cancer foundations but I think Susan G. Komen is one of the hugest. They do all the Breast Cancer Walks this month all over, I think they fund research as well.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 10/29/2007 11:03:27 AM
Author: surfgirl
IG, I''m sorry to hear about your friend.

I agree with neat, make a plan to call her on a regular basis to check in. If you want to send a gift, why not something pampering like bath goodies or luxurious skin cream (I understand that the radiation can make one''s skin very red and sensitive and dry). And I agree that your friend might really appreciate you being her ''normal friend'' in terms of not always talking about the cancer, but just gabbing like normal friends do. I know if it were me, I''d love a moment to NOT think about what I was going through.

There ARE a ton of Breast Cancer foundations but I think Susan G. Komen is one of the hugest. They do all the Breast Cancer Walks this month all over, I think they fund research as well.

I like Surfgirls idea. I too am sorry about your friend.

 

[gailrmv]

So sorry to hear of your friend''s diagnosis. it is hard to know what to say and do but I am sure that she appreciates anything you do to let her know she is in your thoughts.

Re: the contribution - Komen Foundation is big and very reputable and is a private foundation I believe. The major funders of cancer research are the National Cancer Institute (government, part of NIH) and American Cancer Society (not sure if govt or private). I am sure you can specify your contribution go towards breast cancer research with either of them. I looked up the ACS link for you:
https://www.cancer.org/docroot/DON/DON_1_Donate_Online_Now.asp?from=hpglobal

 

[cellososweet]

oh boy do i have experience in this *sigh* a lot of my family has had breast cancer and here i am, 23 awaiting a biopsy on my boob.

make her feel normal. breast cancer rips away your femininity, privacy, dignity. suddenly your most womanly parts are up for conversation by anyone and everyone. chit chat to her about her day. ask her how it feels to be home. talk to her about something she wants to do in the future (this was a big one for my mum. everyone talked to her like she was going to fall flat on her face and die in three months. it really pissed her off). when you know she''s going for a treatment, give her a call the night before (she''ll likely be too exhausted afterwards). After the treatments have been going for a while, do a countdown. Everytime my mum went to chemo, i would send her a "X more to go" gift or email or card. On her last treatment, i called the doctors and asked if i could send ballons to the office to be waiting for her on her last treament.

let her talk. and talk and talk. don''t tell her everything will be ok. talk to her like you usually would.
her hair will probably fall out from doxorubicin (chemo) so hats and scarves are always good ideas. funky ones. if she has her ear pierced, pick her up some awesome earrings (my aunt and mum always said it''s hard to be girly with no boob and no hair, earrings help). also, surfgirl was right, radiation makes you itchy and dry. but also sensitive. so if you want to do bath goodies, unscented or sensitive skin ones are a good bet.

also, a book on nutrition could be good, if that''s her thing. mum knew nothing about nutrition and her white counts got too low to do a few rounds of treatment. i bought her a book on nutrition and it helped.

i''m really sorry your friend is going through this. it is so devastating. Susan G. Komen is the most specific breast cancer organization. ACS is good, but it will likely allocate your funds to whatever project they think is most important this month (which may or may not be where you want it to go).

Also, if she is not responding to treatment, there are some very good companies here is california that do testing. i used to work for one. oncotech helps with specific chemotherapy selections for patients if she doesn''t respond well enough. oncotype dx is specific to breast cancer. good things to know.

good luck. you''re already an awesome friend for even asking.

 

[FireGoddess]

Oh, f-word - I hate hearing about situations like this. I'm glad they at least caught it early, since there's no screening for 30 somethings other than manual breast exams.

Of course letting her vent is definitely something you can do. Some of the main charities you could donate to are Komen for the Cure (strictly breast cancer charity) or American Cancer Society (they have a Making Strides Against Breast Cancer major fundraising effort that you could contribute to so that your funds go directly to breast cancer). When my mom was diagnosed I ended up doing the ACS's Making Strides walk and fundraiser because Komen raises money strictly for breast cancer research, whereas ACS also does a lot of patient counseling and stuff. They have programs where they can pair you up with a survivor who went through something similar to you, which could help those feeling scared more than talking to just a friend who doesn't have any experience with cancer would. Let you know what their experiences were and what you might be able to expect during chemo, radiation, etc. And they have lots of free literature for those going through cancer that they can send right to your house. Anyway, that was the route I chose.

Also if you want to send something to your friend, some sort of spiritual or uplifting book would be nice. My SIL got my mom a book of Rumi's writings. Visualization CDs or relaxing CDs also help (got my mom some Enya and some Sara McLachlan type stuff). The nutrition book is a good idea - I got my mom one, hopefully there are more with better names cuz the stupid name of the one I got her was like, 'What to eat when you have cancer.' I mean, ugh. But I think it was helpful. However it is CRITICAL she talk to the doctor, because the books will tell you to load up on antioxidants and stuff but you DON'T want to do that when you're going through chemo. Cell death NEEDS to happen at that time, and you don't want to interfere. You'd be partially negating the effect of the chemo.

One more thing I would suggest is not only to tell your friend that you are there for her and if she needs anything to call....but don't WAIT for her to call, cuz she's not going to ask for anything. Just calling and checking up on her or doing whatever you can from the distance you're at helps. Most people say, 'let me know if you need anything' but honestly, that never happens. It's better if you initiate. Good luck.

ETA: Cello, I hope your biopsy comes back benign.

 

[FireGoddess]

Making Strides website:
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/PAR_2_Making_Strides_Against_Breast_Cancer.asp

Komen website:
http://ww5.komen.org/home/

 

[moremoremore]

This sort of news just gives me chills....such a young I'm so sorry to hear it.
This is a very scary time for her...but before she knows it she'll be done with treatment and moving on with her life...
My mom was diagnosed with 3B and has finished chemo and is on her second week of radiation...I *think* that just calling and chatting and being positive was helpful for my mom....You just need to stay positive for her!!! Be realistic when it comes to the tough struggle she's going to have, but be positive....

 

[bee*]

My sisters best friend who''s only 21 was diagnosed with breast cancer two months ago and has had one breast removed and reconstructed and is having the other one done this week (she couldn''t have them both done at the same time as they found that it had spread to her lymph nodes so the first op took over 8 hours). I know it''s different as your friend is a huge distance away but my sister has just been there for her to chat to, brought her magazines when in hospital and generally just being there for her. Hope your friend will be ok.

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto to Neatfreak''s entire post. I have had three cousins all under the age of 30 diagnosed with various cancers. All of them have recovered. During their fights, they would say they felt left out because no one would talk normally to them. like they didn''t want to put any hard topics on them. They also just needed someone to talk to who wasn''t mom, dad, sister, brother. Someone they could talk to who wouldn''t cry all the time. Someone who could crack jokes, even cancer-related. One of my uncles, who''s going through cancer treatments currently, always wears silly wigs. He actually didn''t lose his hair during chemo, but to show the other people in treatment that hair is no big deal, he will walk in with an Elvis wig, or a clown wig, or a mullet. Cancer is awful to deal with. But, from my experience, the survivors want to act like SURVIVORS!

Good Luck to you and your friend.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Let her know you are there for her--if you email/call and she doesn''t feel like talking, let her know that is OK; or if she writes a thesis or chats your ear off on your dime, that is OK too. And ask her if there is anything you can do for her. Do you have a group of friends near to her that you are in contact with, than can help arrange rotating meal servies to her? Help her clean her house? Take her to appt''s?

My sister was diagnosed at 40 has had her 5 clean "clean" and is finally off tamoxifin. She is healthy and I admire her strength (I cried when she told me she gave herself injections to stimulate wbc growth.....but she didn''t).

kind regards--Sharon

 

[Independent Gal]

Thank you all for your ideas and good wishes for my friend. Thank heavens she was at a stage in her career (just finished her Ph.D., not yet started her post-doc which they let her postpone for a year) when it''s fine to take a whole year off, and thank heavens that her parents are well-off enough that she could just go home and be cared for. So, luckily she won''t have to worry about meals and cleaning and things and all her oldest and best friends still live nearby in Munich. Our closest mutual friend is in Budapest and she is planning to make monthly visits.

I really like Neatfreak''s idea about the gorgeous fab scarf! The card idea is great too. I think it would be fun for her if I started a regular post-card campaign. I''ll get them all pre-addressed and stamped and leave them on our mail table, and that way, every other week or so, I can just pick one up, write her a cheery message, and pop it in the mail so she knows I''m thinking of her.

I''ll see if I can find some wacky fun postcards.... hmmmm...

Thank you all so much.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/29/2007 3:57:40 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Thank you all for your ideas and good wishes for my friend. Thank heavens she was at a stage in her career (just finished her Ph.D., not yet started her post-doc which they let her postpone for a year) when it''s fine to take a whole year off, and thank heavens that her parents are well-off enough that she could just go home and be cared for. So, luckily she won''t have to worry about meals and cleaning and things and all her oldest and best friends still live nearby in Munich. Our closest mutual friend is in Budapest and she is planning to make monthly visits.


I really like Neatfreak''s idea about the gorgeous fab scarf! The card idea is great too. I think it would be fun for her if I started a regular post-card campaign. I''ll get them all pre-addressed and stamped and leave them on our mail table, and that way, every other week or so, I can just pick one up, write her a cheery message, and pop it in the mail so she knows I''m thinking of her.


I''ll see if I can find some wacky fun postcards.... hmmmm...


Thank you all so much.

I think that is a fab idea Indy! I think the most important thing is to make her feel remembered all the time, even after some time has passed. I think you''ll be a great supportive friend!

 

[mela lu]

I have nothing else to add (all the PS''ers are so thoughtful and creative) but I just wanted to send you my heartfelt best wishes to you and of course your friend as you two battle this horrible disease. Sending you both strength.

...and a hug!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think the reading material is also a great idea. Do you know what her favorite kinds of books or magazines or comics are? If so, I think it might be neat to put together a few small care packages with a couple items of reading material plus maybe a funny card or a cute bookmark or a favorite candy or whatever and leave those with your funny postcards to send to her a few times during the course of her treatment.

 

[nytemist]

I agree with surfgirl''s idea. I did something similar for a friend''s sister- sending her things to indulge in and trying to be distraction and talk about other things.

It''s such a blow to hear news like this. I''m sorry she''s going through this.

 

[monarch64]

So sorry to hear your friend is suffering from BC so young, IG. My only advice is to just be a good friend and let her vent to you, and try to cheer her up when she needs it...personally I wouldn''t feel that gifts were necessary if it were me going through cancer treatment, but I think I WOULD appreciate letters, cards, etc.

Another organization is the Avon Foundation for Breast Cancer, I did the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Chicago a year and a half ago and hope to do it again this spring, and every year thereafter. You can find out what percentage of donations goes towards which specific things on any of these organizations'' websites.

There are many small-scale things you can buy that also support breast cancer causes. For example, I just purchased airplane-friendly knitting needles and $5 of the $60 purchase price goes towards breast cancer funds...also I have a Pandora charm bracelet the breast cancer ribbon charm I bought has the same concept, a fraction of the proceeds also goes towards breast cancer research, etc. There are just tons of things you can buy or do to show your support or fund research or actually help patients.

Best wishes to your friend for a speedy recovery, she''s in my thoughts.

 

[Independent Gal]

I had another idea. If my friend has (or can get) skype, then I could read her stories to keep her company. Being read to is such a comfort when you are sick and too tired to make conversation, but you want to feel peoples'' love.

I wrote to her to ask about it. Then we can try to make a schedule (like, say, every other Tuesday or something). It''s just the time difference that could be tricky...

 

[Haven]

Indy, I''m so sorry to hear about your friend, and I''m VERY glad to hear that they caught it early. For me, the best comfort would be just what so many posters have already suggested--handwritten letters. You''ll be able to find so many different kinds of gorgeous paper and stationery, and if you fill it with heartfelt greetings and some reminiscings I''m sure your letters will bring great comfort to your friend. And she can relish them and read them over and over.

And if you want to send her a gift, there''s nothing like a huge, hand-potted tea or coffee mug that she can curl up with in her favorite chair, and hold under her chin to let the steam warm her face. And good books help, too.

Very best wishes to you and your friend, Indy. You''ll be in my thoughts.

Cellosweet--I hope your biopsy comes back okay, sending fairy dust your way, my dear.

 

[eks6426]

Indy--I''m so sorry to hear that your friend has breast cancer. I don''t have experience specifically with breast cancer, but my 1st husband died of skin cancer in his early 30s. He got diagnosed in his mid 20s so we lived with it for a number of years. I learned a lot. Some things that might help your friend:

1. Agree about the listening part if she wants to talk. But don''t forget that she is still who she was before. My 1st husband always hated it when people only wanted to give him the look of pity and waited for him to talk about his illness. Don''t forget to still have fun with her...even if that''s only giggly conversations on the phone.

2. Sending her little notes, cards, presents at unusual times (not so much when she is in the hospital but at home during the endless waiting stages). Text message her little notes.

3. Remember that some of the most stressful times in dealing with cancer is waiting for test results to see if something worked. This is a good time for words of encouragement or anything else you can do to take her mind of things.

4. You said you were 1000s of miles away, but the most useful gifts we received were ones that helped us get stuff done that had to be done. Gifts to get the house cleaned. Gifts of meals (or gift cards for places that deliver). Grass mowed etc. Errand running. When dealing with cancer, the patient and the family, is really overwhelmed and it''s extremely tough to just get regular stuff done.

 

[Independent Gal]

Island, I''m so sorry to hear about your first husband. What a sad loss. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.

So far in our chats, I''ve been trying to follow the advice about chit-chatting about fun stuff and our mutual interests and things, but she seems, at this stage, only to want to talk about the illness. I think she''s still processing what is happening to her and she seems to be very, very scared, even though the prognosis is so good. I asked her if she knows anyone who has been through this whom she could talk to, but she hasn''t answered yet.

She does have skype, so I''m leaving it on and sending her little notes that way too. And pics from cuteoverload.com! They''ll cheer anyone up.

 

[lumpkin]

Indy, my cousin had a double mastectomy recently and she also lives across the country. I sent a care package with a variety of things in it, but what she seemed to need most was the slipper socks and the Tupperware tumblers with lids. They tumblers have a no-spill valve that you put a straw through. Your friend is not going to be able to move her arms much after the surgery, and these cups with lids are a life saver. Only Tupperware has them, so you may want to find a rep and get your order placed as soon as possible if you want to send them to her so she''ll have them as soon as possible after the surgery.

30 is so young for this. She''ll be in my prayers.

 

[Beacon]

Date: 11/1/2007 11:18:25 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Island, I''m so sorry to hear about your first husband. What a sad loss. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.

So far in our chats, I''ve been trying to follow the advice about chit-chatting about fun stuff and our mutual interests and things, but she seems, at this stage, only to want to talk about the illness. I think she''s still processing what is happening to her and she seems to be very, very scared, even though the prognosis is so good. I asked her if she knows anyone who has been through this whom she could talk to, but she hasn''t answered yet.

She does have skype, so I''m leaving it on and sending her little notes that way too. And pics from cuteoverload.com! They''ll cheer anyone up.

This seems very reasonable. I think I would be the same way. Sometimes talking about the problem helps the person come to terms with it or gives the opportunity to freely express the emotions. So I think it is good for her to talk it out. It is horribly scary to be that young and have that disease. I think anyone would be frightened to death.

My mother died from breast cancer and everytime I go in for a mammo or ultrasound I am literally shaking cause it is scary. I found it very helpful to talk with ladies who have survived the disease. It shows that the disease can be overcome. If your friend could meet some women who have made it through the battle she might not feel so scared and alone. My friend''s wife got bc when she was 34, caught at stage one. She is fine now and it is seven years after the fact.

I really feel for your friend. I hope everything turns out fine for her.