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29 and so tired of dating...

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BonnyLass

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Dec 19, 2008
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25
Hi all,
This is the first time I''ve posted on this cafe-type setting! I just needed a place to vent right now at 2 in the morning. I''m 29, very smart, caring, loving, very pretty, and I haven''t had a real boyfriend in 2.5 years. Don''t get me wrong, I date quite a bit, but it seems like when I find someone I like they end up not being into me, and vice-versa. I know I''m young, but I won''t be young forever and women''s biological clocks, unfortunately, click a lot faster than men''s!!!

Speaking of which, I recently met someone who''s 54 whom I wish could magically lose 20 years, lol! I''m not considering going out with this guy. Recently a couple much-older men have really been into me...in ways that guys more age appropriate haven''t been. Ugh. What is going on?

I usually don''t dwell on this and have been very thankful for the last couple years that I''ve had to myself- I''m amazed at how much I''ve changed and grown over my 20s! Can some of you wise PSers offer some wise advice for a young woman?
 

sba771

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
887
I am sorry you are so frustrated. Have you considered online dating? I met my now FI on Jdate. My mom met her bf of 2+ years on Eharmony. The great thing about online dating is you can screen, screen and screen!! And if you get messages from people who don''t suit you, you just can hit no. It is very empowering and fun and I know lots of people who have had success stories. I think it is worth a try, at least the free membership periods the sites offer. Good luck!
 

sba771

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
887
I would suggest trying eharmony. It is a little more involved than match or jdate type sites. Those sites can get lots of rif raf and it takes time to sort through it. Eharmony really really wants to match you up with someone long term and they control the contact at first and its very structured. The questionaire is pretty intense and takes some time, but I would recommend giving it a shot. I found jdate and match have a lot of people looking for serious relationships, but also looking to just hook up. Because the paperwork for Eharmony is so intense, it kind of weeds out the people just looking for a quick good time.
 

Regular Guy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 6, 2004
Messages
5,951
Old fashioned way?

Get involved in something you''re naturally driven to, and keep your eyes open while you''re there?

I met my wife while interning, trying to get into graduate school. All the while, I had been going to a Unitarian singles group where more than a hundred would gather every week to "get to know each other" for some time prior.

No easy strategies...though I hear the on-line thing is quite popular these days.

I wish you as much luck as I have had.

Regards,
 

Londongirl1

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Joined
Feb 27, 2009
Messages
695
Date: 3/13/2009 2:17:18 AM
Author:BonnyLass
when I find someone I like they end up not being into me, and vice-versa.

....I usually don''t dwell on this and have been very thankful for the last couple years that I''ve had to myself
I''ve definitely been where you are right now! I was single for a few years before meeting my ''Mr Right'' - we met at a birthday party at a time when I really wasn''t expecting to meet anyone. As long as you don''t dwell on being single and still enjoy life - you''ll be content
 

LaraOnline

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Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Hang in there!
You are at about the right age for ''the real thing'' to happen.

When I met my husband, I felt mentally exhausted by even the prospect of ''casual love'' and the loooong road ahead.
But everything really fell into place really quickly when we met.

He is just three years older than me (we were 30 when we met up again, after knowing each other in high school / uni). We have been married for five years now, and have always been really, really happy! Don''t let the cynicism around you get to you.

A lot of ''the real thing'' can really be about the man knowing what he wants out of life and feeling ready to ''make it happen''... so in many ways, you are moving into the best years of your life, romantically!

Dreams really can come true!
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
2,516
Date: 3/13/2009 8:11:36 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Hang in there!

You are at about the right age for ''the real thing'' to happen.


When I met my husband, I felt mentally exhausted by even the prospect of ''casual love'' and the loooong road ahead.

But everything really fell into place really quickly when we met.


He is just three years older than me (we were 30 when we met up again, after knowing each other in high school / uni). We have been married for five years now, and have always been really, really happy! Don''t let the cynicism around you get to you.


A lot of ''the real thing'' can really be about the man knowing what he wants out of life and feeling ready to ''make it happen''... so in many ways, you are moving into the best years of your life, romantically!


Dreams really can come true!
Ditto Laura and Ira Z.

So the year I met my DH, my roomies and I canceled our cable and vowed to be out of the house every night. We went to coffee houses with slam poetry nights, joined ultimate frisbee, went on AMC hikes, volunteered at shelters, went on REI hikes, volunteered on local campaigns, took photo and cooking classes, and we all had to do most of these things ON OUR OWN. No other gfs. And the most important thing, we had to agree to go out with whoever asked. We all made so many friends and met interesting people while learning about ourselves. I met my DH while waiting in line for ice cream. Probably, if I had been in line with my gfs he would not have approached me, but its not like I was planning on seeing anyone or meeting anyone that afternoon. Mostly being happy with yourself makes you so attractive to others.

Be cautious of older men, gosh why ever do older single men find young women attractive...hmmm. Some are awesome, but over a 20yr gap is difficult. You are from different generations, he remembers Vietnam and the USSR being scary, you had computers in your daycare center.

Get out there and meet people, never spend a friday night in just chillin'' and watching TV (not that you would ever do that, but it is sometimes tempting). If you do go to one bar in particular, go elsewhere, mix it up and meet new people in healthy ways doing healthy things. Maybe you could find a dating site that fits your personality (match is a catchall) eHarmony might be it, they discriminate against gays, so if you are a liberal looking for a liberal you might not find him there. I''ve met lots of girls doing different activities to "meet guys," and I''m not certain that this approach meets. Where would you go to meet your best version of yourself? Mostly have fun, this is not a chore, but an adventure.

The really great news is that you only need to find ONE guy. Just one.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
I''d take sba''s advice... her and her FI are GOOOOOD LOOKIN!


https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/lets-see-the-faces-behind-the-ps-screen-names.87517/page-33

take a look for yourself... you''ll get to see a lot of faces here.... warm and friendly!


Also, don''t discredit the older gent.. they can be a lot of fun too. I know dating older men isn''t for everyone, I never really did. (They were too serious for me!
) But I have had some friends that have really connected with older men, and they didn''t even know until they started to date them.

Also, welcome. I look forward to getting to know you better!
 

luvthemstrawberries

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Jun 19, 2008
Messages
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Hi there BonnyLass - welcome!
This may not be what you''re looking to hear, but my fiance is almost 15 years older than I am. I know that most people find this creepy or weird, and if you''d ask me 5 years ago what I thought about dating older men, I''d probably say it''s weird, based on the stereotype of men over 40 - "over the hill."

I''m almost 24, and he''s 38. But when you''re actually in the situation, based on the person, it''s so different. My guy is not 38 in any way except for the number. He physically looks younger, mentally thinks younger, acts younger, can work out like younger guys, and in no way acts, looks, or thinks like the typical person approaching 40. I also happen to be more mature than most people my age who graduated college a year or two ago. Like you, I''ve grown a lot over the last few years too, and feel like I''ve finally leveled out to my true self. His mom puts it nicely - we meet in the middle.
I''m not saying that men approaching 40 aren''t fine, but most I know just act and think really old and boring, and are much farther along in life. My FI is just starting his life and family at a different time than most.

I realize 54 is 25 years more than 29. I''ve wished before that FI could magically lose 10 years too, haha. But I''m honestly not worried about that. Truly honestly. Sure, the thought crosses our minds sometimes that our difference may be apparent when he''s 90 and I''m 75. But I overcame all that every time I think about the fact that we aren''t even guaranteed tomorrow. We have to live for today and what we have. And I would SOOOO much rather take 15 years with the greatest man I could ever be with, who matches me to the T, and who understands me and gets me so well, and who I totally understand back... than with someone who is around my age, but I don''t match up with as well. I could get breast cancer tomorrow and die. He could be in a car crash next week and die. You never know. Sure, my family thought it was weird at first. But after meeting him, they LOVE him. They are so excited for us to get married. And anyone else I know that hasn''t met him yet can just deal, because we are all that truly matters.

I guess I''m just saying this because you mention that older men have been into you. I don''t know what you define as "much-older" as you said, but you mentioned that more age appropriate guys haven''t been into you as much, or you haven''t been into them. You and I sound so much alike. I think you probably just project a much more mature image (in a good way, not like you''re older or anything). You sound like you have a lot of self confidence and you want to settle down, which is a great thing. You probably match these older men in mentality and emotions, as you probably are more mature than most 29 year olds, and they probably are much younger than their age. So, you meet in the middle!

Just some food for thought. I just think if you''re at all serious about any of these men, it shouldn''t be a fleeting thought you dismiss just because of age. It''s not like you''re 25 and they''re 80. You can still have great lives together, and have really meaningful years, instead of semi-meaningless years with some guy just because he''s more your age.

 

luvthemstrawberries

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Date: 3/13/2009 9:36:55 AM
Author: tlh

Also, don't discredit the older gent.. they can be a lot of fun too. I know dating older men isn't for everyone, I never really did. (They were too serious for me!
) But I have had some friends that have really connected with older men, and they didn't even know until they started to date them.
Hehe tlh I take too long to type! You said it well. A lot of older men could be too serious for some. But it depends on the man - and the woman!

BonnyLass, if you're a very mature-acting woman, you may get along great with an older, serious guy. But if you're like me and my FI, I love to laugh and act silly and have a good time, and so does he! That's why I say that he doesn't act like most serious, "older" guys. We're still grounded and serious when things are important, but we're never downers and just boring. We love having a good time, and laughter is rampant with us, because we're just silly all the time. That's why we connect like we do.
 

luvthemstrawberries

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Messages
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Also, one last thought - I was on Yahoo personals for a while years ago. I met somebody, but that was a time in my life when I wasn''t true to myself, so even though we were together for about 2 years, that wasn''t a good time in my life. I''m so glad that I grew out of it, and I got myself out of it, and moved on. I''m not discrediting online stuff at all. My point is that I was there, and I never tried eharmony, but judging by what people said about it above, I''d be more inclined to find someone seriously long term on there as opposed to where I was. A lot of people there were just looking to hook up, and some people were just really desperate to find a mate. It sounds like eharmony is a better quality place.

It''s also neat to hear the above stories of how people met their significant others'' at times they were least expecting it - that''s how I met mine! When you''re just happy with yourself and true to yourself is when you shine through most beautifully to everyone else.
 

decodelighted

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Messages
11,534
Well I like Swimmer''s advice! Don''t do what I did (the sit at home w/ice cream & cable tv) ... because I didn''t meet my DH until 37!!! And two of my best girlfriends are still dating at 39-40. We joke that they''re waiting for the 2nd round draft as many fellas our age are getting divorced. Sadly many of those want the 25-26 yrs. olds though.
(My theory is they want whatever aged girl they *used* to date back when they were single ... xxxx years ago ... as if no time has passed ... so they can feel "young" again too)

Agree with the good news: you only need to find one!
 

BonnyLass

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 19, 2008
Messages
25
All of you are so sweet and kind to offer such sage advice! I''m going to focus more on the positive and just chill out. BTW I''m going out for drinks tonight with a guy from match, so we''ll see how it goes! If you''d like I''ll keep ya''ll posted. I love that long thread with everyone''s pictures.
 

fleur-de-lis

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Date: 3/13/2009 2:17:18 AM
Author:BonnyLass
Hi all,

This is the first time I've posted on this cafe-type setting! I just needed a place to vent right now at 2 in the morning. I'm 29, very smart, caring, loving, very pretty, and I haven't had a real boyfriend in 2.5 years. Don't get me wrong, I date quite a bit, but it seems like when I find someone I like they end up not being into me, and vice-versa. I know I'm young, but I won't be young forever and women's biological clocks, unfortunately, click a lot faster than men's!!!


Speaking of which, I recently met someone who's 54 whom I wish could magically lose 20 years, lol! I'm not considering going out with this guy. Recently a couple much-older men have really been into me...in ways that guys more age appropriate haven't been. Ugh. What is going on?


I usually don't dwell on this and have been very thankful for the last couple years that I've had to myself- I'm amazed at how much I've changed and grown over my 20s! Can some of you wise PSers offer some wise advice for a young woman?



BonnyLass, I'm not sure if anybody else mentioned this already, but the odds of a meeting/first date turning into something more significant is *MUCH* higher if you know somebody in common. (I don't know, but my theory is that on some barely-subconscious level people know to "fly right" if people they already know and like are going to hear about it if you're a jerk.)

Here's my tip: ask all your friends-- especially those in relationships already-- if they can think of someone with whom you might hit it off or that they think is nice/dateable. Then have them introduce you, perhaps by going out in a group one night. Not only will you be able to see your friend (and we all know how being in a relationship cuts down on the time normally spent doing single-girl activities with your single-girl girlfriend), but odds are pretty good that if she's dating a "nice guy", her boyfriend naturally hangs out with other "nice guys"-- who, in turn, will be sure to treat you with a respect off the bat that some random match.com hookup might not. (Besides, your friend will probably "pre-screen" the guys by having known them for a few months and will naturally weed out the losers while leaving only the winners!)
 

Diamond*Dana

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Date: 3/13/2009 12:05:48 PM
Author: BonnyLass
All of you are so sweet and kind to offer such sage advice! I''m going to focus more on the positive and just chill out. BTW I''m going out for drinks tonight with a guy from match, so we''ll see how it goes! If you''d like I''ll keep ya''ll posted. I love that long thread with everyone''s pictures.
Definitely let us know how it goes, and have a good time!
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 3/13/2009 9:56:50 AM
Author: luvthemstrawberries

Date: 3/13/2009 9:36:55 AM
Author: tlh

Also, don''t discredit the older gent.. they can be a lot of fun too. I know dating older men isn''t for everyone, I never really did. (They were too serious for me!
) But I have had some friends that have really connected with older men, and they didn''t even know until they started to date them.
Hehe tlh I take too long to type! You said it well. A lot of older men could be too serious for some. But it depends on the man - and the woman!

BonnyLass, if you''re a very mature-acting woman, you may get along great with an older, serious guy. But if you''re like me and my FI, I love to laugh and act silly and have a good time, and so does he! That''s why I say that he doesn''t act like most serious, ''older'' guys. We''re still grounded and serious when things are important, but we''re never downers and just boring. We love having a good time, and laughter is rampant with us, because we''re just silly all the time. That''s why we connect like we do.
Hahaha, don''t you know that boys NEVER grow up? If they''re serious, it''s because they were always like that, not because they are older. Older does not mean more mature! It just means they have generational jokes that you may not get.


Anyhoo, I say forget the man thing and do what you want in your life. Yes, you probably have to get out more, but go do it with the interest of fulfilling your life and not meeting someone. I say that because I do believe a lot of times you meet someone when you aren''t looking and your radar isn''t going full throttle, so it just becomes a great added bonus and a delightful surprise.

I had just turned 30 and quit my job because I always wanted to be a backpacking bum through Europe. ALL of my close friends were married by that point. One of my friend''s husband said to me something to the effect of , "Why are you going to Europe? You gotta settle down and find a man, because pretty soon you''ll be 35, then 40, and will be too old to find a man."

I ignored him because my life genuinely wasn''t about finding a man. It was about LIVING my LIFE. Finding joy and happiness one day at a time.

Of course, since Europe was the LAST place on earth I thought I''d find a husband, I just wasn''t looking. I was never good at looking anyway....before I went to Europe, I just stayed at home on most nights and weekends reading - VERY difficult to meet someone in your bedroom. In Europe, I just was more happy than usual and completey worry free. That must have been some kind of alluring quality because I had all sorts of men drawn to me (probably mostly to get a no strings attached shag with a foreigner). But I met TGuy there and of course now we are married with a kid.

Find something you want to do and do it, just for yourself. If you live wanting to find someone and only focusing on that (as a lot of women do, but won''t admit), you''ll be squandering some of the best time in your life - being young, single and able to live entirely for YOURSELF.
 

tlh

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Messages
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Date: 3/13/2009 12:05:48 PM
Author: BonnyLass
All of you are so sweet and kind to offer such sage advice! I''m going to focus more on the positive and just chill out. BTW I''m going out for drinks tonight with a guy from match, so we''ll see how it goes! If you''d like I''ll keep ya''ll posted. I love that long thread with everyone''s pictures.
Hope it goes well. And if it doesn''t... make sure not to befriend your drink.. my mom just discovered the cosmo. This is a woman that cannot even sip a beer... was like - wow those are yummy, but hit fast! I am like - well YEAH! it is VODKA! Made me smile.

Also... good move meeting for drinks. Smart not to commit to a whole meal, when you don''t even know if you''ll like the guy.

Good luck!
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/13/2009 2:28:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 3/13/2009 9:56:50 AM
Author: luvthemstrawberries


Date: 3/13/2009 9:36:55 AM
Author: tlh

Also, don''t discredit the older gent.. they can be a lot of fun too. I know dating older men isn''t for everyone, I never really did. (They were too serious for me!
) But I have had some friends that have really connected with older men, and they didn''t even know until they started to date them.
Hehe tlh I take too long to type! You said it well. A lot of older men could be too serious for some. But it depends on the man - and the woman!

BonnyLass, if you''re a very mature-acting woman, you may get along great with an older, serious guy. But if you''re like me and my FI, I love to laugh and act silly and have a good time, and so does he! That''s why I say that he doesn''t act like most serious, ''older'' guys. We''re still grounded and serious when things are important, but we''re never downers and just boring. We love having a good time, and laughter is rampant with us, because we''re just silly all the time. That''s why we connect like we do.
Hahaha, don''t you know that boys NEVER grow up? If they''re serious, it''s because they were always like that, not because they are older. Older does not mean more mature! It just means they have generational jokes that you may not get.


Anyhoo, I say forget the man thing and do what you want in your life. Yes, you probably have to get out more, but go do it with the interest of fulfilling your life and not meeting someone. I say that because I do believe a lot of times you meet someone when you aren''t looking and your radar isn''t going full throttle, so it just becomes a great added bonus and a delightful surprise.

I had just turned 30 and quit my job because I always wanted to be a backpacking bum through Europe. ALL of my close friends were married by that point. One of my friend''s husband said to me something to the effect of , ''Why are you going to Europe? You gotta settle down and find a man, because pretty soon you''ll be 35, then 40, and will be too old to find a man.''

I ignored him because my life genuinely wasn''t about finding a man. It was about LIVING my LIFE. Finding joy and happiness one day at a time.

Of course, since Europe was the LAST place on earth I thought I''d find a husband, I just wasn''t looking. I was never good at looking anyway....before I went to Europe, I just stayed at home on most nights and weekends reading - VERY difficult to meet someone in your bedroom. In Europe, I just was more happy than usual and completey worry free. That must have been some kind of alluring quality because I had all sorts of men drawn to me (probably mostly to get a no strings attached shag with a foreigner). But I met TGuy there and of course now we are married with a kid.

Find something you want to do and do it, just for yourself. If you live wanting to find someone and only focusing on that (as a lot of women do, but won''t admit), you''ll be squandering some of the best time in your life - being young, single and able to live entirely for YOURSELF.
Oh, soooooo sooo true! I''m going through a divorce and for the past 8 months I have done nothing but things to improve myself, my life, my career, etc., and men will NOT leave me alone. Seriously. I have had (and I''m not exaggerating) 3 pseudo-proposals in the past 5-6 months alone, and I haven''t even been what I would call "dating" these men. All I am interested in at this time (I''m 31 btw) is being single, being independent, and being successful and finding my own happiness...and that must be a damned attractive quality because my dance card would be completely full these days if I wanted it to be! Just focus on yourself, forget about the dudes!
 

TravelingGal

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Messages
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Date: 3/13/2009 2:40:40 PM
Author: monarch64
Oh, soooooo sooo true! I''m going through a divorce and for the past 8 months I have done nothing but things to improve myself, my life, my career, etc., and men will NOT leave me alone. Seriously. I have had (and I''m not exaggerating) 3 pseudo-proposals in the past 5-6 months alone, and I haven''t even been what I would call ''dating'' these men. All I am interested in at this time (I''m 31 btw) is being single, being independent, and being successful and finding my own happiness...and that must be a damned attractive quality because my dance card would be completely full these days if I wanted it to be! Just focus on yourself, forget about the dudes!
Good for you Mon for doing those things for yourself!!


I just think that most men aren''t looking for a woman who is looking to settle down (even if they wouldn''t mind settling down themselves). While woman want to know the answers to important relationship life questions, that just freaks men out. Men are looking to have fun and are drawn to women they perceive as being the same. The complications arise when one starts falling in love!

So if a gal is really out there without a care in the world and having a good time, why wouldn''t men be drawn to that? Who would you be drawn to, a man that says in the first few dates, "I''d like to settle down and having kids is important to me...I wouldn''t want to be with someone who didn''t want kids" or a man that says, "Hey, I''ve always wanted to try (fill in activity here), sounds like so much fun! Are you up for it?"

A guy friend did tell me once he liked dating newly divorced women because they''re a bit savvier and are not interested at all at being tied down anytime soon again, which relieved some stress on his end since he was only looking to have fun, and these women were too. Then oops! He fell in love with her!
 

trillionaire

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Messages
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I agree with Swimmer and TGal. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is happy and self contented. Whenever I go out for a night all on my own, I am like a man magnet. Even for lunch, I go and take a book, drink a glass of wine, and men across the room are paying for my meal! It's fun, and very empowering. And there is a WHOLE WORLD out there to explore. Also, try speed dating. Even if you don't find a match, take a girl friend, you all will have fun stories! I once went snowboarding by myself, and ended up spending the entire day with someone who worked at the resort, and he took me on Blacks and DOUBLE Blacks!!!! I had never been off of the easy Blues, but I had the time of my life! And I went to a concert by myself and hung out with the guy doing lights, and he showed me how. He had to run to the bathroom during a set, and I was doing the friggin light show!!! (okay, so it looked like an acid trip, but it was FUN!!!) And if you have a dog (or can borrow someones), go to pet events! Pet lovers LOVE to talk dogs. :)

meetup.com is also a good place to look. There are tons of groups doing tons of things!!! Or sign up for leisure classes at your local JC, like photography, or cooking. (my roomie did one on cake decorating! It was VERY cool!) So, like others have said, focus on having fun and doing things that you love. And don't be afraid to go out all by yourself to events, it makes you approachable, and forces you to be friendly, since you have no one else to fall back on. Plus, I bet you'll like it!


Good luck!
 

TravelingGal

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Messages
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Date: 3/13/2009 2:57:31 PM
Author: trillionaire
I agree with Swimmer and TGal. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is happy and self contented. Whenever I go out for a night all on my own, I am like a man magnet. Even for lunch, I go and take a book, drink a glass of wine, and men across the room are paying for my meal! It''s fun, and very empowering. And there is a WHOLE WORLD out there to explore. Also, try speed dating. Even if you don''t find a match, take a girl friend, you all will have fun stories! I once went snowboarding by myself, and ended up spending the entire day with someone who worked at the resort, and he took me on Blacks and DOUBLE Blacks!!!! I had never been off of the easy Blues, but I had the time of my life! And I went to a concert by myself and hung out with the guy doing lights, and he showed me how. He had to run to the bathroom during a set, and I was doing the friggin light show!!! (okay, so it looked like an acid trip, but it was FUN!!!) And if you have a dog (or can borrow someones), go to pet events! Pet lovers LOVE to talk dogs. :)

meetup.com is also a good place to look. There are tons of groups doing tons of things!!! Or sign up for leisure classes at your local JC, like photography, or cooking. (my roomie did one on cake decorating! It was VERY cool!) So, like others have said, focus on having fun and doing things that you love. And don''t be afraid to go out all by yourself to events, it makes you approachable, and forces you to be friendly, since you have no one else to fall back on. Plus, I bet you''ll like it!


Good luck!
Hehehe, skiing/snowboarding and fishing are a couple of the few activities that men will travel with men only to do. I once went on a ski trip by myself to Park City Utah (love skiing and didn''t want to wait for a group trip, plus love skiing alone). That night I walked into a bar (think it was "no name bar" or something like that on main street) and was the ONLY woman in the bar for quite some time. I''m not kidding. ONE woman in a bar full of men. Crazy!!!
 

LaraOnline

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Messages
3,365
I have to say the 'older man' thing never turned me on.

My own father was 15 years older than my mum, and while I can really appreciate the practical side of it (let's face it, so many of men, particularly modern men, are 15-year-olds in long pants, until AT LEAST their 30s
), she did end up a widow by the time SHE was in her early 30s ... with three kids at that. But... at least going with the old guy meant she had a decent estate at her disposal!


There is also no doubting that, from my mother's reports, Dad felt a lot of pressure, including money pressure, from having such a young family when he was in his mid 40s (youngest child 18 months at time of death).

However, we are all having babies much later now, and my own husband is likely to have, say, a 3-year-old or even younger at the same age.

I have a great girlfriend who married a man 20 years older than her. She is from Mexico, and found him so mature, interesting and, of course, treated her so very nicely. This was when he was 40, she 20 *cough*

Now, 10 years along, he seems to be struggling with some of the same issues my Dad did... he will not let her have more than one child, because he is worried about his age, and the money. (Let's face it, single older guys dating younger women aren't really into the 'building up their estate' phase the way their contemporary 'growing-family-stable home-life' counterparts are!)

Also, they only have sex once every four months.

She's going crazy.
 

palomablancabride

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
Messages
91
Hi BonnyLass. I know how you feel. Heading into my 30s I was left wondering if I''d meet anyone who had the same wonderful qualities I had to offer.

My husband and I are newlyweds and we met on e-harmony just under 3 years ago. (I''m 34 and he''s 31.) I had tried match.com but in my area it''s more of a hook up site rather than a place to meet someone interested in a relationship.

Just be open to meeting men in different ways and also dating men who you don''t consider your type just to get a feel for what you really want and what''s really important.

During her speech at our wedding, my MOH talked about how she and my mutual friends thought I was so picky about guys (discerning is the better word!). I had an old college friend (married at 22) send me an email after the wedding saying she worried about me because she had thought I was too picky as well and thought that I should have just settled down with someone already. All I know is that I''m glad I waited, because I did find the right one!
 

BonnyLass

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 19, 2008
Messages
25
Again, such caring and loving words from perfect strangers! Thank you, everyone! It never dawned on me that match.com could be considered more of a hook-up site than the others, such as the eharmony. After work, quite often I can''t wait to simply go home, take my dog to the dog park (I have met some guys there before, but mostly I''ve made some wonderful friends!), come back home, cook dinner, sit in from of history channel (I''m a nerd), take a long, hot bath while reading and then go to sleep. I do need to mix it up a little bit!

I''m going to rededicate myself to attending a couple book clubs that I never actually attended because I was so worn out at the end of the day. I''d love to go out to bars and restaurants more often but my money is so damn tight right now. Re-reading The Secret is high on my list of priorities as well. The last time I read it (about a year ago) I was floating on air with new optimism.

Oh, and about last night: Went out with guy, who''s very nice, but all he talked about was working in scientific academics and having so little time. I want someone who has some time to make a relationship a priority! What do you think?
 

Sha

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2007
Messages
2,329
Hmm... I can relate. I'm 32 now...but was single from ages 26-29. Hoping to find someone....but not finding anyone at all. It was a very frustrating and lonely time! Not to mention the thought of wanting to have kids eventually. I finally met my DH at age 29, after a mutual friend hooked us up. We got married when I was 31, and 39 (DH). It can really take a while...but I hope you find the person you're looking for soon. Eharmony is a good place to start, I agree!

About your date last night - why is he dating if he has so little time to spend....well....dating? Is he looking for a serious relationship? I agree that if he is unable to make a relationship one of his priorities right now, then it may not make much sense, if you are looking for a serious relationship.
 

vintagelover229

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 23, 2008
Messages
3,517
Date: 3/13/2009 9:52:10 AM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
Hi there BonnyLass - welcome!
This may not be what you''re looking to hear, but my fiance is almost 15 years older than I am. I know that most people find this creepy or weird, and if you''d ask me 5 years ago what I thought about dating older men, I''d probably say it''s weird, based on the stereotype of men over 40 - ''over the hill.''

I''m almost 24, and he''s 38. But when you''re actually in the situation, based on the person, it''s so different. My guy is not 38 in any way except for the number. He physically looks younger, mentally thinks younger, acts younger, can work out like younger guys, and in no way acts, looks, or thinks like the typical person approaching 40. I also happen to be more mature than most people my age who graduated college a year or two ago. Like you, I''ve grown a lot over the last few years too, and feel like I''ve finally leveled out to my true self. His mom puts it nicely - we meet in the middle.
I''m not saying that men approaching 40 aren''t fine, but most I know just act and think really old and boring, and are much farther along in life. My FI is just starting his life and family at a different time than most.

I realize 54 is 25 years more than 29. I''ve wished before that FI could magically lose 10 years too, haha. But I''m honestly not worried about that. Truly honestly. Sure, the thought crosses our minds sometimes that our difference may be apparent when he''s 90 and I''m 75. But I overcame all that every time I think about the fact that we aren''t even guaranteed tomorrow. We have to live for today and what we have. And I would SOOOO much rather take 15 years with the greatest man I could ever be with, who matches me to the T, and who understands me and gets me so well, and who I totally understand back... than with someone who is around my age, but I don''t match up with as well. I could get breast cancer tomorrow and die. He could be in a car crash next week and die. You never know. Sure, my family thought it was weird at first. But after meeting him, they LOVE him. They are so excited for us to get married. And anyone else I know that hasn''t met him yet can just deal, because we are all that truly matters.

I guess I''m just saying this because you mention that older men have been into you. I don''t know what you define as ''much-older'' as you said, but you mentioned that more age appropriate guys haven''t been into you as much, or you haven''t been into them. You and I sound so much alike. I think you probably just project a much more mature image (in a good way, not like you''re older or anything). You sound like you have a lot of self confidence and you want to settle down, which is a great thing. You probably match these older men in mentality and emotions, as you probably are more mature than most 29 year olds, and they probably are much younger than their age. So, you meet in the middle!

Just some food for thought. I just think if you''re at all serious about any of these men, it shouldn''t be a fleeting thought you dismiss just because of age. It''s not like you''re 25 and they''re 80. You can still have great lives together, and have really meaningful years, instead of semi-meaningless years with some guy just because he''s more your age.

I''m in a very similar boat as you! My husband is 10 1/2 yrs older than me! Neither of us acted/looked our age, meaning he was older than I assumed and I was younger than he assumed...and we already had been dating for a while before either of us thought to ask! I was 18 when we met and he was 27ish. Now, I know that sounds horrible (believe me, if my 18 yr old daughter was dating a 28 yr old man I''d shoot him myself!) but you have to consider the situation first. I was already living on my own with a full tlime job at the age of 17. I had already graduated HS and had to take care of myself. My growing up years were far from peachy, and I had to grow up and take care of myself and my siblings at a very young age. My DH helped me grow and mature a lot in the ways I wanted to, but was unable to do on my own because of lack of stability. I love him dearly. Before meeting my DH I hadnt been in a relationship 6 months. We''ve been together well over 2 years (now I know thats not long for some people, but i knew the man I lasted 6 months with would be the man I married, lol)

So, please dont discount older men. They can be really great and understanding and ready to settle down. Some guys around your age group have just graduated college, or just gotten to where they wanted to in their careers, so they have spending money and want to go out and "be free" still. If you go a few yrs older, then men have gotten most of that out of their system and are ready to settle down with a good gal. I second eharmony or match.com my DH and I have a great friend that met the love of his life on there. They were both divorced and cheated on, so it was a rough road for them at first, but I''m happy to say they are engaged and SO IN LOVE! And I might add they both are super attractive and driven. Ones the CEO of a company and the other a chemical engineer, so there are good ones on there!

GOOD LUCK! I hated dating and I didnt'' have to do it for very long! I feel bad for my DH who had to wait so long for me,lol!
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Date: 3/14/2009 9:22:48 AM
Author: BonnyLass
Went out with guy, who''s very nice, but all he talked about was working in scientific academics and having so little time. I want someone who has some time to make a relationship a priority! What do you think?
I''d give him another chance *for sure* ... he may have just been trying to impress you with the "being busy" line --or-- he may really be busy now, while he''s "single" ... but if he found someone he wanted to prioritize then he might make those adjustments. But DO NOT take it further than casual dating until you see that he''s making time for YOU, yanno? Its a bit of a red flag but not a fatal one. Its easy to be "busy" if you don''t have someone around who makes you wanna stay home.
(Or wine & dine ... or play hooky w/ ... etc)
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Date: 3/14/2009 12:14:03 PM
Author: decodelighted
Date: 3/14/2009 9:22:48 AM

Author: BonnyLass

Went out with guy, who''s very nice, but all he talked about was working in scientific academics and having so little time. I want someone who has some time to make a relationship a priority! What do you think?
I''d give him another chance *for sure* ... he may have just been trying to impress you with the ''being busy'' line --or-- he may really be busy now, while he''s ''single'' ... but if he found someone he wanted to prioritize then he might make those adjustments. But DO NOT take it further than casual dating until you see that he''s making time for YOU, yanno? Its a bit of a red flag but not a fatal one. Its easy to be ''busy'' if you don''t have someone around who makes you wanna stay home.
(Or wine & dine ... or play hooky w/ ... etc)
What she said.

Sometimes, the bigger the are (harder to pin down) the harder they fall - my DH being a case in point!
 

MishB

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 16, 2008
Messages
656
Date: 3/13/2009 3:25:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Date: 3/13/2009 2:57:31 PM

Author: trillionaire

I agree with Swimmer and TGal. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is happy and self contented. Whenever I go out for a night all on my own, I am like a man magnet. Even for lunch, I go and take a book, drink a glass of wine, and men across the room are paying for my meal! It''s fun, and very empowering. And there is a WHOLE WORLD out there to explore. Also, try speed dating. Even if you don''t find a match, take a girl friend, you all will have fun stories! I once went snowboarding by myself, and ended up spending the entire day with someone who worked at the resort, and he took me on Blacks and DOUBLE Blacks!!!! I had never been off of the easy Blues, but I had the time of my life! And I went to a concert by myself and hung out with the guy doing lights, and he showed me how. He had to run to the bathroom during a set, and I was doing the friggin light show!!! (okay, so it looked like an acid trip, but it was FUN!!!) And if you have a dog (or can borrow someones), go to pet events! Pet lovers LOVE to talk dogs. :)


meetup.com is also a good place to look. There are tons of groups doing tons of things!!! Or sign up for leisure classes at your local JC, like photography, or cooking. (my roomie did one on cake decorating! It was VERY cool!) So, like others have said, focus on having fun and doing things that you love. And don''t be afraid to go out all by yourself to events, it makes you approachable, and forces you to be friendly, since you have no one else to fall back on. Plus, I bet you''ll like it!



Good luck!
Hehehe, skiing/snowboarding and fishing are a couple of the few activities that men will travel with men only to do. I once went on a ski trip by myself to Park City Utah (love skiing and didn''t want to wait for a group trip, plus love skiing alone). That night I walked into a bar (think it was ''no name bar'' or something like that on main street) and was the ONLY woman in the bar for quite some time. I''m not kidding. ONE woman in a bar full of men. Crazy!!!
Yep, ski resorts are a man rich environment! And most of them are fit and financially solvent if they can afford to ski, just keep away from those resort workers.

T-Gal - the No Name Saloon - we''ve just come back from Park City, we wandered into the No Name on the first night we hit town and loved it.
 
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