Secrets

[that_someone_special]

Are you good at keeping secrets? Usually, I am...

But, see.. this guy that I AM NOT friends with, hangs out in our friends group. A bit back, he cheated on his wife with another one of our friends... and lately he's been just a freaking jerk to me. I hate him. His wife does not know any of went on (he cheated on her, talked terrible trash about her) and it went on for a while. Well, lately I've just had the urge to just yell at him, "Well at least I'm not a cheater!" I don't think I'd ever do it, but his wife is so sweet and I hate him so much. So so soooo much. It's not my place to tell her right? I don't think it is... but I just have a hard time when he is acting like the pompous jerk that he is..

Any tips on keeping a secret?

 

[stci]

Your better than me Bean! Don't know how you can retain your emotions on this type of situation.

I'm sure I would hate this man too but I could not, not tell him and tell the truth to his wife.

All I can say is you're great and you know how to keep a secret!

 

[that_someone_special]

Ugh.. I wish I was better.. then I wouldn't have to post on here about it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Ugh.. I wish I was better.. then I wouldn't have to post on here about it.

did he try to get nasty with you?.. ...anyhoo,send his wife a letter "your husband been cheating on ya" ...

 

[iugurl]

Do you know the wife? Are you just acquaintances? I know that most people here probably think that it is "none of your business" and "not your place to tell her" but I kinda feel as though if a guy is telling you, anyone and everyone that he cheats on his wife, he is MAKING it your business. I can't imagine my friends/coworkers/acquaintances/EVERYONE knowing my husband was cheating on me, but no one had the courage to tell me

I have never been in this situation, so it is hard to know what I would do. Reading posts like this, I feel as though I would tell the wife. If she already knows, then fine. I think that it is just so WRONG that a guy (or woman) would not only cheat on his wife, but brag about it to EVERYONE. She deserves to know. But that is just my opinion, and I don't have all the info (if you are friends with her, if your other mutual friends are friends with her, and it would be better coming from them etc)

 

[missy]

Do you know the wife? Are you just acquaintances? I know that most people here probably think that it is "none of your business" and "not your place to tell her" but I kinda feel as though if a guy is telling you, anyone and everyone that he cheats on his wife, he is MAKING it your business. I can't imagine my friends/coworkers/acquaintances/EVERYONE knowing my husband was cheating on me, but no one had the courage to tell me

I have never been in this situation, so it is hard to know what I would do. Reading posts like this, I feel as though I would tell the wife. If she already knows, then fine. I think that it is just so WRONG that a guy (or woman) would not only cheat on his wife, but brag about it to EVERYONE. She deserves to know. But that is just my opinion, and I don't have all the info (if you are friends with her, if your other mutual friends are friends with her, and it would be better coming from them etc)

I feel the same way. While I know this is really not your business if I was on the other end of this I would want to know. However, if you are not close with her I could see where you should not get involved and perhaps she really does already know. But,I know I would want to be told though many might not want an acquaintance telling them some might prefer it. You know, she doesn't hang with you and it might be easier coming from someone she is not close with.

I'm sorry I don't think there is any easy answer though I am guessing most people would do nothing.

 

[megumic]

I would refuse to associate with this punk. Obviously that's impossible since you work with him, but generally, I'd stay away from him.

Personally, I would also tell the wife. I have experience having to break this news to someone and it is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It's not your secret to keep -- it's his, but right now it's at your expense and agony. Can you imagine being her, not knowing, going to bed every night with this a$$hole? Why should you have to keep his stupid secret?

I think women have a secret too -- it's a sisterhood where we are responsible to each other to protect each other. What do you have to lose by telling her?

 

[Lula]

Are you sure that his wife doesn't know? Often, women *know* if they are being cheated on, without being told (by their partners or by concerned others). And, who knows, this may not have been the first time he's cheated, and she may be well aware that she's married to a cheater, and doesn't want or need to be reminded.

I vote for keeping your distance from him, and ignoring his arrogance, unless you are very good friends with his wife. He sounds like the kind of guy (manipulative, arrogant) who would use your telling his wife about his cheating against you.

 

[iLander]

I think it would be much more fun to get him in a quiet corner and say "Cut the crap or I'm telling your wife you're a cheater."

Bet he straightens right up!

 

[luv2sparkle]

I think I would be really tempted to say exactly that to him, Bean. I am not sure that I wouldn't do it.

He let other people know what he was doing, so he made it other peoples business. I say go for it. Especially if his wife is not
present. I don't think I would want to hurt her. I really hate people who bash their spouse publicly. No respect. Makes me
furious.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Are you good at keeping secrets? Usually, I am...

But, see.. this guy that I AM NOT friends with, hangs out in our friends group. A bit back, he cheated on his wife with another one of our friends... and lately he's been just a freaking jerk to me. I hate him. His wife does not know any of went on (he cheated on her, talked terrible trash about her) and it went on for a while. Well, lately I've just had the urge to just yell at him, "Well at least I'm not a cheater!" I don't think I'd ever do it, but his wife is so sweet and I hate him so much. So so soooo much. It's not my place to tell her right? I don't think it is... but I just have a hard time when he is acting like the pompous jerk that he is..

Any tips on keeping a secret?

When did you make an affirmative act of consent to keep this a secret?

(I am a steel trap when it comes to maintaining my promise to keep a secret, but I do not see in your description where you gave your word to him or anyone else that you would enter a silence pact. Did you? With a common, disclosing friend perhaps?)

 

[Indylady]

Oowww.



I know a husband like that. He says he's cheating, because she cheated first, and they're 'getting a divorce'. But they're not yet divorced. And their Facebook says they're married, with a cute profile picture with the kiddos. I think he'sjust bluffing so he won't look worse than he does now. I won't be saying anything--I don't know the wife, and for all I know, she might know already. It just makes me feel

 

[sctsbride09]

I like Ilanders idea, put some fear in the jerk. No, but seriously, if this is something that is bothering you, you should tell her. Like some of the others have said, he made it your business by being such an idiotic blabbermouth. If you dont want to tell her in person, could you maybe send an anon letter?

To answer the original q, Im good at keeping a secret, just not from DH. We literally tell each other everything (think Marshall and Lily on HIMYM), even stupid crap, so I *cant* be trusted to keep anything at all from him. When one of my BFFs was having issues with her husband, I begged her not to tell me things, because the 4 of us were friends, and I didnt want to cause problems in our group by not being able to keep my mouth shut.

 

[that_someone_special]

Here is a little more background info.. and since NO ONE I know posts on ps, I think I can write this out...

A few years ago, I didn't know this guy "R" but he was friends with another guy in our friend group and he started hanging around- WITHOUT his wife. He would talk SO much cr@p about her- how she is a horrible person, she is making his life miserable, he doesn't want to be married to her. Then our friend "Y" comes along and we ago go camping. His wife didn't go, but my friend "Y" was all over him, and he, all over her. They were drinking... Anyway at the end of the night she comes into the camper and says "R wants me to spend the night in his tent!" Me, and another friend said "No way drunkie, you are staying with us." I was really worried he was going to take advantage of her. Well, fast forward the following weeks, he calls her constantly, and talks with "Y" on the phone- when he starts making plans to see "Y" with his wife in the same room! He lies to her, and sees "Y" and.. yanno.... the whole time he is telling everyone but his wife that he thinks he's falling in love with "Y" and she could be "the one" (where is my vomit emotie?) "Y" then ends it because apparently.... "R" ....... didn't have much to offer in that area lol

So at the time, I didn't know his wife "A". He always talked about how terrible she was.. but once we met her and she started hanging out with us, she is really the sweetest thing ever. I don't know how such a sweet thing could marry such a pompous jerk. So now, there is a group of 10 of us and everyone but the wife and maybe "Ys" current bf know the history between "R" and "Y"... it's always like the huge elephant in the room- especially when that specific night of camping is brought up. He always turns white and leaves the room. I am pretty sure the wife doesn't know.

I figured since I wasn't "Y" that it wasn't my place to tell "A" but I dunno. I think if I was in the same situation I would want to know!!!
Last night I ended up telling "R" something along the lines of "Don't piss off the people that know a few of your secrets." So, now it sounds like I'm threatening him but I just meant to say "leave me alone cheater!"

 

[that_someone_special]

Are you good at keeping secrets? Usually, I am...

But, see.. this guy that I AM NOT friends with, hangs out in our friends group. A bit back, he cheated on his wife with another one of our friends... and lately he's been just a freaking jerk to me. I hate him. His wife does not know any of went on (he cheated on her, talked terrible trash about her) and it went on for a while. Well, lately I've just had the urge to just yell at him, "Well at least I'm not a cheater!" I don't think I'd ever do it, but his wife is so sweet and I hate him so much. So so soooo much. It's not my place to tell her right? I don't think it is... but I just have a hard time when he is acting like the pompous jerk that he is..

Any tips on keeping a secret?

When did you make an affirmative act of consent to keep this a secret?

(I am a steel trap when it comes to maintaining my promise to keep a secret, but I do not see in your description where you gave your word to him or anyone else that you would enter a silence pact. Did you? With a common, disclosing friend perhaps?)

Hmmm you're right.. I never promised him anything! But I do wonder why no one else in the group has told her? Oh they also just had a baby... it would be like me trying to ruin a "family"

 

[that_someone_special]

Are you sure that his wife doesn't know? Often, women *know* if they are being cheated on, without being told (by their partners or by concerned others). And, who knows, this may not have been the first time he's cheated, and she may be well aware that she's married to a cheater, and doesn't want or need to be reminded.

I vote for keeping your distance from him, and ignoring his arrogance, unless you are very good friends with his wife. He sounds like the kind of guy (manipulative, arrogant) who would use your telling his wife about his cheating against you.

That reminds me of the other point is that this guy works at a place that I used to have an acct in. He has told me on several occasions that he has read it and brings my acct up to test things on (he's an IT guy). This makes me extremely uncomfortable around him. Hopefully he can't access sensitive information as I no longer deal with that company. The company is full of creeps and cheats too, so I guess it fits that he works there!

 

[junebug17]

It sounds like this happened several years ago. Idk, I guess telling her would be the "right" thing to do, but honestly I don't know if I'd want to be responsible for the possible break-up of a family over something that happened a few years ago and is over and done with. I guess it's selfish on my part, but I don't think I'd have the courage to look this woman in the face, after she's just had a baby, and tell her such dreadful news - especially if these people are casual acquaintances as opposed to close friends. I really wouldn't want to be dragged into the ensuing drama that revealing this info would undoubtedly create. I guess I sound like my moral compass is a little off-kilter (and maybe it is, especially since quite a few people would say something) but I'm just being honest. Revealing this info would have repercussions.

 

[LGK]

Are you good at keeping secrets? Usually, I am...

But, see.. this guy that I AM NOT friends with, hangs out in our friends group. A bit back, he cheated on his wife with another one of our friends... and lately he's been just a freaking jerk to me. I hate him. His wife does not know any of went on (he cheated on her, talked terrible trash about her) and it went on for a while. Well, lately I've just had the urge to just yell at him, "Well at least I'm not a cheater!" I don't think I'd ever do it, but his wife is so sweet and I hate him so much. So so soooo much. It's not my place to tell her right? I don't think it is... but I just have a hard time when he is acting like the pompous jerk that he is..

Any tips on keeping a secret?

When did you make an affirmative act of consent to keep this a secret?

(I am a steel trap when it comes to maintaining my promise to keep a secret, but I do not see in your description where you gave your word to him or anyone else that you would enter a silence pact. Did you? With a common, disclosing friend perhaps?)

Hmmm you're right.. I never promised him anything! But I do wonder why no one else in the group has told her? Oh they also just had a baby... it would be like me trying to ruin a "family"

First of all, it isn't *you* ruining a family- it's him. Put the responsibility where it belongs, on his shoulders.

Personally? I would tell her. Maybe in the form of an anonymous letter- especially if you work with him and fear fallout, and if there's a number of people that know this open secret... well, that's a good thing in terms of him not actually being able to tell who sent it, right?

I would imagine it would be hard as hell to tell her in person. I would *want* to in your position, but with her being an acquaintance and the whole situation sucking so hard... I dunno if I could force the words out, in your shoes. But, she really needs to know- I mean, if he's a huge sleaze, he may be putting her health at risk, y'know? If I were her, I would want to be told- as much as it would be horrible. And this guy is not your friend, so you do NOT have to protect him!

I could see her killing the messenger though. In such a volatile situation, people aren't at their most rational, and anger towards the person telling you such horrible news would be natural, if unfair. Again, kinda thinking an anonymous letter would be the way to go. Even if she doesn't take it as seriously as face to face, it may get her wondering at least, and she'll eventually figure it out from there.

 

[TravelingGal]

This is what my FIL said to one of his good friends who cheated years ago...he said he would not tell the wife, but if she ever asked him if her hubs cheated, he would tell her the truth and NEVER speak to his friend again. Basically his stance was, don't put me in the position of having to air your dirty secrets. The wife did ask, and the friend was never spoken to again.

I know there's no love lost between you and R, but that's the position I would take. If the wife ever asks you, I'd tell her. If not, I'd keep mum. And I'd let him know that if she ever asks you, you will be honest.

 

[that_someone_special]

The initial interaction was about 2.5 years ago.. but that camping trip and their subsequent fling gets brought up about every other month. I would rather forget it, but it's always right there in the room with us-- especially when "R" and "Y" do things together (like her resting her legs on him, or teasing him.. or whatever else that makes everyone on edge!) Those things wouldn't normally bother me but since its him and her.. and their history.. ugh.. it's like flaunt this elephant in the room that everyone can see but his wife.

I like the approach of not saying anything but not lying either. He could always tell her I'm whacked out of my mind, but then I would have about 15 people that can verify the camping night and of those 5-7 people that can verify the aftermath.

 

[zoebartlett]

To answer your question, I'm an awesome secret keeper. If you tell me something in confidence, I don't spill the beans. Why would I? It's not my news to tell.

With this particular situation though Bean, I don't know what I'd do. If I were this guy's wife, I'd WANT to know if something was up. I would actually want my friends or family to tell me something I needed to know. I don't know if you should be the one to tell her though. I need to think about it more.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I am very good at keeping secrets, especially if explictly told not to tell a soul.

However, in your situation, R has never said "don't tell my wife" and he blatantly insults her by making references to Y....I'd say go for it. I'd say my piece, and never hang out this is crazy group of friends. I abhor cheaters.

 

[iLander]

This guy Wants to break up with his wife.

He fooled around in front of everyone on purpose.

He wants to relieve himself of the responsibility of breaking up with her, so he's creating a reason for Her to break up with Him.

He can't man up and tell her the truth.

He's too much of a wimp to do it himself, he wants someone in the group to do it for him.

I would bring up the camping trip ALOT, just to make him squirm.

ETA: One of my neighbors did exactly the same thing to his wife. He fooled around in front of someone who he KNEW would tell her. They did tell. The marriage broke up, he's living with the chick he fooled around with and she's got a new husband.

 

[labellavita81]

I am amazing at keeping secrets.... in this case I don't really think its any of your business to mention anything about him cheating on his wife to anyone - even if he is being an a$$ to you.

 

[swingirl]

I think it would be much more fun to get him in a quiet corner and say "Cut the crap or I'm telling your wife you're a cheater."

Bet he straightens right up!

This!!

 

[labellavita81]

I think it would be much more fun to get him in a quiet corner and say "Cut the crap or I'm telling your wife you're a cheater."

Bet he straightens right up!

This!!

This is GREAT!!! haha!

 

[that_someone_special]

Well, my husband called "R" yesterday and talked to him about the way he has been talking to me lately. I guess his wife also questioned him on everything going on, so he told his wife that him and "Y" only held hands and made out. He then then explained to my husband that he was going to tell his wife "A" on his own terms... He was really shocked that DH knew what was going on... so DH explained that "Y" has basically told everyone and it's very obvious (or something to that extent).

He did apologize, to my husband (and not me) for the way he's been talking to me and said he just was having a bad day I don't believe a word he says but DH is always the peace maker (unless he's the one disturbing the peace!)

 

[TooPatient]

Well, my husband called "R" yesterday and talked to him about the way he has been talking to me lately. I guess his wife also questioned him on everything going on, so he told his wife that him and "Y" only held hands and made out. He then then explained to my husband that he was going to tell his wife "A" on his own terms... He was really shocked that DH knew what was going on... so DH explained that "Y" has basically told everyone and it's very obvious (or something to that extent).

He did apologize, to my husband (and not me) for the way he's been talking to me and said he just was having a bad day I don't believe a word he says but DH is always the peace maker (unless he's the one disturbing the peace!)

If I were his wife I'd WANT to know. It sounds like she is suspicious already since she asked him about this. He is a liar. I doubt he'll ever get around to telling the truth.

Personally, I'd arrange to have R's wife over for coffee (just the two of you -- NOT in public) and let her know that R had told your DH what he said to her and that you thought she deserved to know the truth.
R and Y may have ended there relationship (doesn't sound like it is actually over though...) but his wife should know the details and be allowed to make her decisions based on the truth rather than R's story.


Another thing to think about --
You could actually SAVE the family by telling her the truth. She could decide to stay with him but stop spending time with that group of friends. Their marriage may actually be better if R and Y aren't constantly seeing each other. (I'd be willing to bet that if it isn't going on still, it will happen again if they keep spending time together...)

 

[that_someone_special]

ILander, TooPatient

You are right.. I need to think further about this. I suppose I shouldn't be shocked that he is lying about lying.

 

[kama_s]

You need new friends. Good thing I am now accepting applications.



In all honesty, sounds like you aren't saying anything for the sake of loyalty towards your friend 'Y'. But, 'R' sounds like a jerk and I'd love to give a jerk what a jerk deserves the most - a swift kick to his you-know-what. Render him incapacitated where he needs it the most. Killing two birds with one stone = sweeeeeeet.