. . . .

[kagordo4]

I um.. wow I''m suprised how hard this is to tell a bunch of strangers this, I can''t even fathom telling my family.

You know how everyone says "aw you''re so young.. you''ll change" Well I expected we would both change and grow together, I never thought we would grow apart.

We''ve been lying to ourselves for a few months, I realize that now. When his mom died something changed between us. I feel like a terrible person but I can''t do this anymore, he''s not the man I fell in love with. He''s not the same, neither am I.

A lot of lies (on his part) came out into the open in the last two weeks and yesterday was just too much.

I''m tired of pretending to be happy, and tired of lying to myself. Love doesn''t work without trust and I realize this now, and there is zero trust for him, there hasn''t been for a while.

We even tried couples counseling with out preist.

I have been fighting this a while but today I finally asked him to move out (it''s my apartment). Now I feel like I can''t breathe but I know this is right. It''s like "Defying Gravity" by Wicked

" Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I''m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else''s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It''s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!"

So I told him I needed a break before he could propose and we could continue this false dance.

I''m sorry to be the Debby Downer. I wish everyone else the best best best of luck. : )

I''m sorry my grammar digressed, I started okay and finally let myself cry.

XoXoXoXo

 

[AnneTossy]

I am so sorry kagordo! I''m sure this is difficult for you, I can''t even imagine. When you know, you know...that saying goes for a lot of things, and especially in your heart. There''s no use in pretending things are ok when they''re not. I truly hope things work out for you hun! I''ll be thinkin'' bout ya''!

 

[princesss]

Sorry to hear about that, hun. Take time and let yourself heal. *hug*

 

[HappyNewLife]

hugs. I''m sorry you''re hurting.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hi!

Just wanted to say--sometimes telling strangers something is the best way to vent.

We''re a neutral party. We don''t know you, or your SO so we can look at the situation and give our honest opinion without judging.

If you feel this is the best thing for you--then I think you did the right thing.

You never know what will happen. Maybe you two will end up together down the road, maybe you''ll both end up with different people. Whatever way it turns out, I''m sure its for the best.

 

[slg47]

Date: 6/22/2010 5:40:03 PM
Author: Autumnovember
Hi!


Just wanted to say--sometimes telling strangers something is the best way to vent.


We''re a neutral party. We don''t know you, or your SO so we can look at the situation and give our honest opinion without judging.


If you feel this is the best thing for you--then I think you did the right thing.


You never know what will happen. Maybe you two will end up together down the road, maybe you''ll both end up with different people. Whatever way it turns out, I''m sure its for the best.

ditto this! if you feel this is the best thing for you, you definitely did the right thing...although it''s going to be painful and sucky for a while.

*hugs* to you

 

[16ocean]

sending -hugggggs- your way. Know if you need to talk more we are here for you as well.

 

[misskitty]

Big hugs to you! The LIWs are here if you need us.

 

[yssie]

Oh, I''m so sorry kagordo

Please take some time for yourself, treat yourself well, let yourself feel everything you feel, and know that you will heal.

And a BIG ::HUG:: for the meantime!

 

[lilyfoot]

I''m sorry you''re hurting, but it definitely sounds like you did the right thing, kagordo. Keep posting here, we''re always going to support you!

 

[oddoneout]

I agree with the others. I''m sorry you''re hurt but it sounds like it''s for the best.

 

[TheyCall]

Oh honey. That is so sad. Don''t ever be afraid to be a debbie downer here. Here, more than anywhere, will be understanding, sympathetic souls who only want the best for you.

It sounds like you have thought about this long and hard and I for one am proud that you had the strength to go through with it. Take your break, reevaluate the situation. Let your SO have time to heal as well, he might still be broken up about his mom.

You can always come here for support, have a better day okay? try not to hole yourself up.

 

[Steel]

Better to be honest if you guys are having issues. I hope you can work though them. Take care.

 

[kagordo4]

Thanks everyone, it''s nice to feel like someone cares. Most especially since I can''t talk to my friends or sisters, they just don''t seem to get it.

Anthony''s father came home from his mexican vacation with his daughter and the grand kids last night. Anyway he called me because he wanted to say "Hi".

Long story short, Anthony''s dad was there with our preist, and Anthony (who had like probably $60 dollars worth of reese''s pieces and a huge bouquet of roses.) His teeny tiny father someone talked me into helping Anthony make rice (which I cannot make to save my life.) I watched Anthony burn about 6 cups of rice before finally helping him and laughing. I realized how much I missed him and our other cat, which he took when he left.

We talked with Father Oscar for like two hours and agreed to meet with him twice a week for a few weeks to see what happens. I was feeling pretty stupid at this point and worried I should not have come, when out of no where the three year old nephew fell into the pool. We still have NO idea how he got outside past the child locks.. at all. Needless to say they''ve all been upgraded.

I dove into the pool (I''m an EMT) and pulled him out. My god was I scared. He was okay but so so so so scared. I think he''ll never get into the pool again now.

I realized two things when I was jumping into the water: 1.) This dress is totally ruined (a lavender silk, first time wearing it.) and 2.) I love this disfunctional family so much. When Anthony''s mom died I stopped being the girlfriend and became family. I would do anything for any of them.

When we were sitting in the ER with the tiny one, I was still soaked because I didn''t want to waste time by changing, I went back with Anthony to take the little one for his x-ray. Broken arm... I realized how much Anthony loves his family too. That''s when it clicked: He''s my family too. I''ve felt empty because he''s this huge part of my life.

So I did some serious thinking and now I know what I thought wasn''t working, well it wasn''t working because I was expecting Anthony to be what I wanted, not what he was. When I had this little break-through I couldn''t stop crying.


To Summarize my weekend has consisted of my life falling apart because I thought I was going to lose this beautiful and precious baby, and then falling back together when I realized everything I thought I wanted was just stupid and wrong and me being selfish. I need someone I can trust and lean on, and I know I have that with Anthony. He''s made mistakes but so have I. It''s going to be a VERY VERY VERY loooooooooooooong and slow process to get to where things should be, but I''m ready to try. We''re going to make this work, with some help from Father Oscar.

 

[beezygal]

I''m sorry to hear that.. good luck!!!! DUST!!!!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

I''m sorry to hear about the little one.

I''m happy to hear that you feel less confused and are trying to work things out with your SO if you feel that this is right. I hope that you can work this out and that things will turn out for the best. We''re here for you! DUST

 

[blacksand]

I hope you can indeed work things out if that is what''s best. I''m sorry about the poor child, but glad to hear you were able to save him. It''s wonderful you saved his life!

Trauma often brings people together. I would just caution you to make sure trauma isn''t the only motivating force behind your decision. I know I myself have sometimes sought the company of people I shouldn''t when emotions were running high. But it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking, so I support your decision and hope everything works out well for you. Enjoy the relationship and the Reese''s Pieces!

 

[kagordo4]

Date: 6/27/2010 8:57:32 AM
Author: blacksand
I hope you can indeed work things out if that is what''s best. I''m sorry about the poor child, but glad to hear you were able to save him. It''s wonderful you saved his life!

Trauma often brings people together. I would just caution you to make sure trauma isn''t the only motivating force behind your decision. I know I myself have sometimes sought the company of people I shouldn''t when emotions were running high. But it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking, so I support your decision and hope everything works out well for you. Enjoy the relationship and the Reese''s Pieces!

The Reese''s are taunting my right now. Ugh I need to lose.. a lot of college weight. Well college and the "our first year (and then some) of living together weight."

Thank you for the advice : ) We''re going to go VERY slow to make sure everything that happened was not the only reason I realized I missed him and needed him.

: )