Does anyone else wonder if the current political climate is hurting their marriage?

[cmd2014]

I ask because my ordinarily liberal, pro-feminist, *kind* and typically accommodating husband just mansplained to me that I am not, in fact, angry at him for doing something that we have had *repeated* conversations about (and that he has *repeatedly* agreed not to do again, but did in fact, do this thing again for the umpteeth time), but that I am simply an angry woman looking for things to be angry about. So the issue is apparently not, in fact, his problem to solve. WTF???

This is not about anything big - he’s just steadily destroying every nice piece of clothing that I own by committing acts of crime against laundry. It’s more the Trumpian approach to conflict management that has me reeling. I think the steady diet of mysogyny is starting to get to him....

And I have to admit, my response was probably more pronounced too because I’m getting really, really tired of this climate of women’s voices not mattering (if they ever did).

So I found myself wondering, has anyone else noticed this happening to them???

 

[Bron357]

I think an “accidental” washing of all his whites with a really cheap new red t shirt - hot wash plus soak - will greatly improve laundry relations.
Or at least make him “look” more sympathetic towards your feminist views.
And you can tell him that Pink is actually “on trend” !

 

[tkyasx78]

Dh isn't allowed to touch my laundry. He still doesn't get why he has to separate the whites from the rest of the laundry. Last time I let him do the wash , he washed a fountain PEN and it exploded.

We haven't had any political fights. He detests trump and how trump has destroyed any credibility the republican party had.
Since trump became president I have changed though. I have 0 tolerance for BS or any statement that is not 100% upfront. I will not tolerate him or any man saying things that are not backed up by fact to me. If he wants to speculate on something that is ok, but I have become much less tolerant of " white lies" or stating something that is not accurate because that is what he wishes were the answer.

I do admit it is because of trump. In the past I shrugged off something if it wasn't a big deal. Kind of a no harm no foul mentality. I expect those around me now to be upfront and will not tolerate DH metaphorically giving me a tomato and telling me it is a watermelon.

 

[cmd2014]

Dh isn't allowed to touch my laundry.

Ditto. I even went so far as to get my own hamper and asked him not to use it as he likes to throw wet towels on top of my nice work clothes in the hamper and let them sit until they smell. Only his hamper gets too full because he will never do a full load (heaven forbid) so he uses mine and next thing I know, my dry-clean onlies have been whiter then white washed with bleach along with those towels that he scooped out of my hamper. And then he’ll say things like “I can’t believe you’re getting so upset about a sweater. It’s JUST a sweater!” Only it’s not just a sweater anymore. It’s the gender politics that allow him to feel justified in ignoring my requests, to put his needs ahead of mine, of making me feel that I am not important and that I don’t have a voice....and TRUMP! We don’t fight about Trump, as we are both on the same page politically, but I am now *highly* sensitive to being dismissed, invalidated, and gaslighted.

Since trump became president I have changed though. I have 0 tolerance for BS or any statement that is not 100% upfront. I will not tolerate him or any man saying things that are not backed up by fact to me. If he wants to speculate on something that is ok, but I have become much less tolerant of " white lies" or stating something that is not accurate because that is what he wishes were the answer.

I do admit it is because of trump. In the past I shrugged off something if it wasn't a big deal. Kind of a no harm no foul mentality. I expect those around me now to be upfront and will not tolerate DH metaphorically giving me a tomato and telling me it is a watermelon.

This. This exactly. I will not tolerate being dismissed, ignored, invalidated. I will not tolerate the BS of not having a voice. I will not tolerate being gaslighted. The stuff I’d let go in the past (saying to myself “oh, it’s just a sweater, he meant well”) has turned into “I’m so freaking tired of not being heard (metaphorically and literally), and do NOT pee on my boots and try to tell me it’s raining when it comes to my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs you jerk!” And it’s because of Trump.

 

[caf]

Interesting question. Here's my twist on it (and it doesn't involve laundry) - My significant other (BF) follows the Trump, Mueller, Manafort, Cohen, White House, Congress, Kavanaugh, etc. news religiously. He despises Trump with a passion, as do I. But sometimes I am just tired of reading about Trump, listening to Trump and watching the pundits argue about Trump. I have had to impose the rare moratorium on Trump news shows when it all becomes too much for me. I will occasionally say - I need a Trump free day. So my situation is not the same as yours but Trump pervades my household. We are both lawyers and have plenty to discuss with respect to the legal aspects of what is going on. But after being a lawyer all day (and sometimes into the night) I just want a break.

Trump permeates - that's for sure. Whether you love him or hate him, he affects us all. The misogyny is just so darn depressing. Not to speak of the lies and deceit that come from the WH. I like the suggestion of a red shirt in the white laundry. He'll get the message!

 

[monarch64]

The menfolk are feeling awfully persecuted these days. Stands to reason they're pushing back out of fear.
Has it happened in my relationships? Abso-freaking-lutely. It's disturbing. All I can think to do is gently explain that no, my stance on this particular issue isn't coming from an emotional, angry place. It comes from a problem-solving place; would you like me to write up a formal review of your laundering skills and note improvements to be made rather than having an actual adult conversation about it within the context of our marital relationship?
Ruining his laundry will do no good. He'll accuse you of being vindictive or spiteful, and that would be true. I choose to treat certain situations as I have with my child when she was 4/5 (sometimes still at 6): I just remove the catalyst. You can just put your delicates in a place he won't look, and do your own laundry (or send it out!)

Ok, on a more practical, marital bliss level: regardless of who is doing what chore, if you're the one doing the chore it always sucks to be told UR DOIN IT RONG. Sometimes it's all in the approach: "babe, thank you so much for everything you do around here! If we weren't such a great team I don't know how anything would get done in our house!" Followed by "but god damn it if you ruin another sweater of mine I'm going to break your golf clubs/trash your Chanel bags!!" And finally "help me help you. How can I help you remember to read care labels or figure out a better way to do laundry so I don't have to go buy a new wardrobe every six weeks and we can keep the family budget under control?"

 

[AGBF]

My husband and I don't live in the same house or the same state although in the next two weeks we are going to be together first in our home in Virginia (because I have a doctor's appointment there), then at "my" house in Connecticut (because he is coming up here to be with me when I have surgery).

We have been at loggerheads about politics for years. My husband tries to bait me and sometimes can trigger an explosion from me. But on September 11 when he started to try (in a phone call), I automatically asked him not to start that stuff because so many Americans had died that day and we shouldn't be engaging in pettiness. He told me I made him want to cry. So in the case of our messed up marriage, we actually had one good moment.

Deb

 

[Queenie60]

Solution - do your own laundry and pick your battles. I've been married for 30 years. And yes, I'm a bit old school however, we certainly have defined roles which is good for the relationship. As far as politics, don't allow it to have an effect on your relationship. If you do, then maybeyou're looking for something to bitch about??? Just a thought.

 

[cmd2014]

Solution - do your own laundry and pick your battles. I've been married for 30 years. And yes, I'm a bit old school however, we certainly have defined roles which is good for the relationship. As far as politics, don't allow it to have an effect on your relationship. If you do, then maybeyou're looking for something to bitch about??? Just a thought.

Yes, we do both do our own. He just can’t seem to avoid getting my stuff mixed in with his. But again, it’s really not about the laundry. I just gave an example of one of the minor day to day things that I’m talking about so no one thought he wa abusing me or anything. It’s small stuff. It’s just the level of defensiveness that has changed. The reflexive “I’m not a bad guy” reaction where in the past he would have been more comfortable acknowledging mistakes and discussing solutions. And my patience for it has gone off a cliff. And I think it has to do with the *political climate* and the social issues swirling because of it right now. We aren’t actually arguing about politics.

I imagine many eras affected relationships. First wave feminism, women in the workforce, civil rights, gay rights...these all caused cultural shifts too that had to affect people at home. I’m just wondering out loud if anyone else has felt it too,,,that UsToo and Trump, and Kavanaugh has caused a cultural shift in the world and it’s affecting people at home.

 

[missy]

My dh and I are on the same page politically. So no, the current political climate causes no friction in our household, thank goodness. In times like these it would be super challenging living with someone who supported someone I feel strongly against.

However it is a very negative political climate we are living in and it feels like it is steadily growing worse. It affects even "normal nice" and previously rationale individuals. Disheartening. All I can say is don't bang your head against the wall and continue to try explaining anything to him if he is not at this point in time open to it. Let things play out in the political world and stay strong and do not damage your relationship over it.

I know it is easier said than done at this point in time but it is IMO not worth ruining your long term happy relationship over. Politics is a dirty game. Don't let it spill into your marriage. These are strange times we live in but I firmly believe things will sort themselves out and right themselves eventually. No need getting caught in the crossfire if you kwim.

(And don't let him do your laundry for now though I realize it really is not about the laundry. But control what you can).

(((Hugs))).

 

[rainydaze]

cmd I hear what you're saying. It's not about laundry (you do your own and he still messes yours up bc he won't listen and respect the system put in place to prevent that) and it's not about Trump himself or politics.

My DH is a very considerate guy in general, but even so there have still been times all along our marriage where no matter how I approach an issue, he just does what he's going to do regardless of the impact on me. I have never been one to let it go completely. I may have let something go initially, but I always end up addressing it - first maturely, and then reactively (i.e. and explosion of emotional discontent) if the mature way didn't get results! Thankfully, if he didn't get it before, he gets it then.

I have never had a tolerance for disrespect or lack of consideration so I would not say Trump has changed the dynamics or climate in our marriage. For a while after he took office, I do think the effect of Trump made me more sensitive than I already was, and it was rougher for a bit. But this in particular has been an ebb and flow with us that has always been there, so the ebb intensified and then flowed back out. And we're on the same page about Trump too.

Actually, thinking back, I do think DH said to me on a couple of occasions "I'm not Trump!" So take that for what it's worth.

 

[arkieb1]

I hope I'm not overstepping but that's not a Trump or a political thing it's a man thing, to him your clothing is probably no big deal and he just doesn't get it. For some men (I'm married to one so I share your frustration) you could explain how irksome his actions are and I can attest he still probably won't stop. I will go out on a limb and suggest he doesn't mean to gaslight you if he shared the living space with a male flatmate instead of you, or a heard of nomads, or anyone else he would probably do the same thing.

Marriage is a long haul, sometimes you have know which battles to fight and which ones to let go, you have two separate baskets now, get another one, move it somewhere else that he cannot put his stuff into or work out another solution where your clothing is removed from his, it's a win win for you and not always a lose lose for him.

 

[House Cat]

Is this really a Trump thing?

I would have to sit down with him and speak from the heart.

 

[the_mother_thing]

DH and I are on the same page politically (thank God!) so it imposes no angst on our relationship.

I wouldn’t look so far outside my marriage at something I/we don’t control as a source of ‘blame’ when the answer is likely under the same roof. Even if one gets fired up about politics, that person is responsible for their actions/reactions; not some random tweet, newscast or talking point.

I think the laundry issue is probably less about ‘politics’ and more about how men and women just seem to view/value things differently (mentally speaking - not that one is right or wrong; just different) or stubbornness/laziness.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Hubs and I have grown into almost the same person over the years. Same political views, same approach on life, he's starting to wear lots of green and I am buying pink jewellery. I actually think if we were problematic (I don't think we are) it would be quite dangerous because we seem to agree on everything, we'd just egg each other on which is not good. You need someone to balance you out and make you think differently imo.

We were doing ab exercises together the other day and after that we sorted through food packaging to see what we could scrounge as plastic bags. We actually had a laugh about how we've turned into this one bizarre single unit that just runs along smoothly.

That said when he forgets to wash the rice pot and I need to make rice, I do send him a flurry of angry raging messages!

I think every relationship has it's own dynamics and in a sense you pay a price for everything. For instance Hubs is a total darling even when I tell him off and is the sweetest, most mild mannered, easygoing fellow.

BUT......if I dropped dead tomorrow I don't think that man will ever eat a mango ever again. He doesn't know how to peel one! He depends on me to flutter around and take care of him. Besides earning money and being a great daddy to our son, he can barely construct a sandwich to feed himself.

I went on a trip for 3 days last year and when I came home, he got quite sick (caught the flu because his immune system took a beating) due to the stress of packing our son's lunch for preschool and deciding which meal to defrost (and focusing on how to defrost).

I arrange ALL our dates, wine/dine him, write him poems for anniversaries, book all our holidays and all activities that he wants to do etc

My bestie has a husband who wines and dines her but to me he's an aggressive d@ck who thinks way too highly of himself. There is no way could I live with that whereas I don't think she could deal with my husband's fluffiness!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

We've had our share of problems but politics has never been one of them or even an influence.

At this point I've had to accept that he does things that are annoying that we have discussed over and over and vice versa. For example, he does not pick up after himself or always put things away when he's done with them. Annoying as hell but I've learned after 17 years this is not going to change. I'm sure I have some annoying traits he could share as well

 

[missy]

@mellowyellowgirl loved what you wrote. Yes having a balance is Imoortamt for a strong relationship imo. In many ways my DH is very different than me but in critical ways we are similar and share similar life values.

@StephanieLynn haha I hear you. We have to pick and choose our battles and not everything can be a fight. I do remember one big fight we were having at the beginning of our marriage that I knew I could not live with. My DH grew up in a house with 2 brothers and his dad and his poor mom was the sole female. Anyway he had this very bad (imo) habit of leaving the toilet seat up. No no no. That wasn’t cool with me. But for some reason he had a roadblock in his head and kept forgetting to put it back down. So, I did what any sane rational enterprising young woman would do. I taped the toilet seat shut. Worked like a charm. He didn’t make that mistake again.

 

[rainydaze]

Omg missy!! if I could like this 500 times I would. Love it!!

@mellowyellowgirl loved what you wrote. Yes having a balance is Imoortamt for a strong relationship imo. In many ways my DH is very different than me but in critical ways we are similar and share similar life values.

@StephanieLynn haha I hear you. We have to pick and choose our battles and not everything can be a fight. I do remember one big fight we were having at the beginning of our marriage that I knew I could not live with. My DH grew up in a house with 2 brothers and his dad and his poor mom was the sole female. Anyway he had this very bad (imo) habit of leaving the toilet seat up. No no no. That wasn’t cool with me. But for some reason he had a roadblock in his head and kept forgetting to put it back down. So, I did what any sane rational enterprising young woman would do. I taped the toilet seat shut. Worked like a charm. He didn’t make that mistake again.

 

[lyra]

Yes, I've had issues. My husband is conservative and I am not. He's not in favour of Trump, but we also don't live in the US. So he is Canadian conservative, which is less to the right, but still, it rankles. I have told him I don't want to discuss politics at all, and I just leave the room if he's watching political news, because he's going to spout off about things that I don't agree with. We do agree on some points though.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

DH and I don't talk politics very often which I think is a good thing. We vote so we take things seriously, but there are just so many more things in our lives to talk about such as the kids, grandchildren, dogs, home projects, work, activities, future plans. I have no issue with other people being passionate about politics but it just isn't an issue in our marriage.

Laundry- now that has been an issue in our marriage. My DH (bless his heart) is guilty of crimes against my delicate laundry items as long as I have been married. I eventually realized that he just didn't "see" my delicate items in the laundry bin. My eyes quickly assess that cute black top as being an item to wash separately. He sees it the same as his black T-shirt or black towel. I solved the issue with a his and hers laundry baskets in the basement. He now leaves my items alone when he does laundry.

 

[Karl_K]

I hope I dont get in trouble for posting this but would 3 hampers help...
His, yours, and one for towels and stuff: his, hers and ours.

 

[partgypsy]

You know, I didn't think of it, but maybe? I recently kind of broke it off with the guy I'm seeing. Though we are still talking and I said I haven't made a final decision. He is a kind decent hard working person. but he is of a different religion than me, is more religious than me. He thinks it's OK that religion informs politics, while I believe in the separation of church and state. He is politically to the right of me, thinks Trump is "doing a good job". Not only do I disagree, it makes me question his overall judgement, and makes me feel -emotionally separated- from him. There's more to it than that, but these things do not help. It's hard because I do have feelings for him.
It boils down to, our differences don't matter too much if we continue to see each other on a casual basis. But down the road, if I want someone to be a life partner with me, there are some big flags : (

 

[Calliecake]

No change in my marriage at all. My husband views Trump the same way I do. He has voted for both parties in the past but is so disgusted with the Republicans now, I’m wondering if he will ever vote for a Republican again.

The laundry issue got settled in our home the first week of our marriage. My husband put 4 beautiful underwire bras in the wash on the heavy duty cycle with blue jeans. When I asked if he did this on purpose so he would never have to do laundry again, his response was “if that was the case the last thing thing I would ruin is the stuff I love seeing you wear”.

 

[partgypsy]

Ex and I didn't fight about laundry. He did have a typical male blind spot, thinking it is ok to do a single load with fine delicates, regular clothes, towels, and oil stained rags in together. And since he didn't often do laundry, often if he did a load he would forget and leave it in the washer so the entire load smelled of mildrew. So I do the laundry. As I find doing and folding laundry strangley soothing so I don't mind. We did have fights about him and his habit of using my fine napkins and dishtowels as rags (think William Sonoma), ruining them. I ended up buying a whole set of microfiber towels he could use, plus any old towel, etc that was a true rag I cut off a corner off to indicate it was "ok" to use and had them in a separate plastic container. Every once in a while I'd lose a cloth napkin but at far fewer frequency.

 

[redwood66]

For nearly 29 years we have each done our own laundry with separate hampers. Sure he does crap that is irritating because he is a man and that is what men do. Most of it is never worth arguing about, lest I be seen as a nag, because in the grand scheme of things he is my best friend who "gets" me. Besides I have my own habits that I am sure are irritating to him as well. Thank goodness we are on the same wave politically.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I could never hold a conversation with a Trump supporter for more than a few polite minutes let alone have a relationship with one, so thankfully we are definitely united on all things politics and religion (or should I say NON religion, because no thanks). I still do the laundry though because I'm picky and my clothes are nicer

 

[redwood66]

I could never hold a conversation with a Trump supporter for more than a few polite minutes let alone have a relationship with one, so thankfully we are definitely united on all things politics and religion (or should I say NON religion, because no thanks). I still do the laundry though because I'm picky and my clothes are nicer

Hell has frozen over! I agree with Elliot, just swap Trump for Hillary!

Actually no not really. I have friends who are liberal and we don't talk politics. But I could never be married to one.

 

[Rockdiamond]

I can just tell you, I'm free to do any laundry in our house ( if I want to go and live under a bridge someplace)

 

[vintageloves]

The idea of woman being angry, or crazy, or naggy and just looking for something to fight about predates Trump. It might predate the dawn of time.

You know what a man thinks of women when a woman steps between him and something he wants. Because it's easy to be pro-women when it doesn't cost you anything. When someone's back is up, that's when you know their true colors Look at all the "feminist" men on the left when Bernie Sanders lost the primary. Women were getting death threats. They were calling Clinton disguising sexist names. Look at how those "feminist" men still froth at the mouth over Kristen Gillibrand because they blame her entirely for what happened with Al Franken. Trump called out Jeb Bush for being anti-woman, and Trump was so supportive of women, until his accusers came forward.

It's hard to undo a lifetime of being conditioned to think women are crazy or hysterical. I would sit down and talk to your husband. Keep Trump out of it. This is about how you feel dismissed and disrespected and how it's cheap and classless to pull the "angry woman" card when he messes up. And maybe find a new chore for him. It does not seem like he can be trusted around laundry!

 

[cmd2014]

Yes, I've had issues. My husband is conservative and I am not. He's not in favour of Trump, but we also don't live in the US. So he is Canadian conservative, which is less to the right, but still, it rankles. I have told him I don't want to discuss politics at all, and I just leave the room if he's watching political news, because he's going to spout off about things that I don't agree with. We do agree on some points though.

Lyra, I feel your pain. I'm Canadian too, and my parents are conservatives. Like run campaigns for conservative candidates conservatives. Conservative to the point where no other side can do anything right. I often have to leave the room too.

Thank you all for sharing your perspectives. I am starting to reflect on whether the current political climate has changed his perspective, or whether it has changed mine. I think I am more sensitive to certain things now than I probably was before, and I can honestly say that I am reacting to this.

I also agree that this is probably a man thing rather than a political climate thing. But I think I've been ratcheting up the level of hostility that I have been expressing of late - and I do think that this has been influenced by my being more sensitive to certain things as a result of the current political climate.

I found this great article. Maybe other people will enjoy reading it too. https://mustbethistalltoride.com/20...inks-youre-a-bad-husband-because-you-are-one/

On a practical note, I like the idea of 3 hampers. I don't think it will help, but maybe I can hide mine in a completely different spot so at least my stuff stays safe from his probably well meaning but disastrous attempts to be 'helpful.'