Proposal Problem... : (

[dracon]

Hi everybody, I''m new to the forum and wanted to get several opinions especially from the woman here. First, the background - I''ve been married before, I''m divorced now (she cheated), and am dating a wonderful woman. I want to, and I know my girlfriend wants to get married.

The problem is that my current girlfriend worries that since this is the second time for me, that it won''t be as special, and that it won''t be something that I''ll be really excited with. She doesn’t like it when I do things similar to what I did with my ex… This is completely not the case, I was married very young and my girlfriend is my life now - there is no comparison to my ex… That said, I also know that she can''t help some of those feelings.

Here''s the problem - I have planned out our engagement for Nov. 16th (our anniversary), I already have the ring (1.17ct, VS2, I color), tickets to a Play (Miss Saigon), dinner reservations for before the play, and dessert reservations for after in a 5 star hotel. I also reserved the area around the fireplace in the hotel (flowers and champagine will be saiting there) so after dinner I can take her there give her the flowers, propose, and toast to our new life.

Then, last night we were talking about getting engaged and she said "It just better be different than the last time, like not on our anaversary." - I proposed to my ex on our anaversary also and she knows this!!!!!!! I think she could tell I was a little funny and she said, "well, it would be okay on our anaversary, but the proposal should just be different." well, I proposed on a beach in NC the last time, so that''s not an issue, but I don''t want to give her something to look back on and disslike, but I''ve already planned so much…

What should I do????????

Thanks,
Nathaniel

 

[Matata]

How about giving her the ring at anothe time? Keep all the plans for the romantic anniversary, but plan the proposal for another day that isn't associated in any way with your ex.

 

[amyi]

I agree with Matata. I think you should keep your reservations because that sounds like a really nice anniversary. But since she already figured out that you may propose then, it won't be much of a surprise. You know she's going to have that conversation in the back of her head until that day. I think she will still appreciate your plans for your anniversary alot so your thought and time was not wasted.
The fact that the date is similar to your ex's and that is the one thing she asked for, I think you should make a point to do something completely different.
Good luck!

 

[KSparkles]

I agree that while it's a very sweet and innocent plan, she'll probably feel a little weird about you proposing on your anniversary - why not do it another time, especially where you said she may have realized you were planning a proposal for that day. Could the reservations be bumped back/ahead to a different night? Lots of hotels will do that, and the restaurant surely would. That way you could keep the current plan, just on a different date (and keep her on her toes as to when you'll propose!!). Then, on your anniversary you could maybe go to dinner and the play (since that would be unlikely to be able to change). I hope this makes sense - it's quite a wordy reply! Good luck - keep us posted!

 

[dracon]

Thanks all, I think that's what I'll do - keep the anniversary special, but find another time to actually propose... It's funny, I didn't even realize I was doing it on the same day (well, not same day, but anniversary) until she said that - being a "guy" I was just thinking it would be sweet to do it then... Now I have to figure out when to pop the question - I'm thinking I'll do it before Nov. 16th because now she's kind of thinking it's going to happen then, so I'm sure she'll be supprised if it happens sooner...

Thanks for all the help, I was kind of freaking out because I planned so much, but the anniversary will still be very nice, and will be even better if she has a ring on her finger the whole night!

 

[abradabra]

Dracon, that is the absolute best idea (proposing before Nov. 16). Speaking as a woman waiting for a proposal, it is absolutely heart-wrenching to expect a proposal on a certain date (Birthday, anniversary, etc.) and not receive it.

She may not want it on an anniversary like with your previous wife, but if you propose after the anniversary, she will still be disappointed.

 

[JimDiamond]

Well, I think you're instinct to ask for women's opinions is a good one. I'm usually awfully empathetic, but I can't relate to the strong association with the ex thing. I do know one thing. Before you propose the date matters a lot. You and/or she want to pick a significant date. After the proposal whatever date you chose simply becomes yours and its association with other things doesn't matter anymore. There are exceptions to this. I feel bad for the poor people with a September 11th anniversary, birthday etc. in the last few years for example.

I still have trouble seeing proposing on your anniversary as "doing like you did with your ex". If it were the SAME date, that might be a problem. Or if you did it in the same way (which you're not).

But her feelings are what are important here even if it may not seem to be a big deal to the rest of us--so trust your instincts.

 

[dracon]

Thanks again for helping...

Now, another question. i don't want to commit a faux pas...

She's in a wedding on Saturday - in 2 days. Her best friend is getting married and she's the maid of honor. Would it be disrespectful or take away from their special day if I proposed at the reception? it's going to be an out-door wedding at a country mansion with dancing outside on a stage and it would be very romantic - especially since she will be wishing so bad it was her...

I just don't want to take anything away from her friend's wedding...

 

[Matata]

You should handle this one with care. My personal reaction to the idea was negative -- because it would take attention away from the bride and also because it wouldn't be your future fiance's special day -- it would forever be entangled with someone else's special day. But only you know the personalities involved and whether such a proposal would be seen as romantic or tacky. In any event, you should consult the future bride and groom and ask their feelings about your idea and then respect their wishes whether they say yes or no.

Cheers,
M

 

[glitterata]

Could you ask the best friend's permission? She might feel honored--but she might feel upstaged.

 

[hoorray]

In general, I think it is not a good idea. It's the bride and groom's day, and the focus, attention, and special memories should really be about them and not upstaged by something as important as this. That said, everyone reacts differently, so you could ask or hint around to the bride and get her reaction.

 

[abradabra]

Generally, I think it is gauche to propose at someone else's wedding. The bride and groom might not be upset by it, but it is guaranteed to raise the eyebrows of a few other guests and as much as you try not to, it will detract from their big day. Plus, the feelings of the parents of the bride and groom should also be taken into consideration, as this is partially their celebration for their children.

How elaborate do you want your proposal to be? One of my friends recently got engaged at a truck stop because her now-fiance couldn't wait any longer to ask her. One of the best and most sincere proposals I've seen.

I think it would be totally acceptable to pop the question on the way home from the wedding on Sunday, if it's out of town. Or you could have something big planned when you got home from the wedding. Then, especially since your soon to be fiance is such good friends with the bride, she could always remember one of her best friends' weddings because she had her own happy memory to associate with it.

 

[aljdewey]

If she's not wild about getting engaged on your anniversary, she'd probably be even less wild about getting engaged on what will then be her best friend's wedding anniversary (every year from Saturday).




How about Monday......Columbus Day? Play hooky from work (if you have to work), and tell her that on this day, Columbus bravely set out to discover a new world full of promise......and that's what you want to do, too: Set out to discover a new world as her husband. Ask her to marry you.




Simple, but to the point.

 

[KSparkles]

Someone in another thread mentioned that "Sweetest Day" is an actual holiday on Saturday, Oct. 16th. I know this would be after her friend's wedding, but it would be a really cute idea to know you got engaged on a holiday named Sweetest Day. Kinda like a mini-Valentine's, and more unique. Just an afterthought...

 

[JimDiamond]

I think you would probably not want to propose on the same day as that wedding for all of the reasons listed above. An exception might be if it's her best friend AND the best friend getting married thinks it's a great idea.

I say either stick with your plan or change it to another date altogether if you decide that doing it on your anniversary will be a problem.

 

[Todd07]

I'd propose before the wedding! Then she will have her special day and the wedding will be a chance to show off her ring and FI (you) without conflicting with her friends wedding.




Heck, just buy some flowers and cook dinner for her. It doesn't have to be a huge suprise or a big affair to be special. I kinda think they detract from the proposal and intimacy the proposal deserves.

 

[Alice in DiamondLand]

I agree, propose before the wedding. do it tonight, heck, why not? Definitely not at the wedding - not cool to have 2 major things competing at the same time.

I think sometimes people try to hard to plan the perfect something. Really all we have is right now, so just do it. You'll totally surprise her tonight and she'll be much happier when she is at the wedding. Single gals who are wanting/expecting to get engaged can sometimes find weddings a bit of a downer.

dinner and flowers, how perfect!

 

[dracon]

thanks for all the help!

Well, I'm not going to do it at the wedding. I like the idea of tonight, but it's the rehearsal dinner and I know everyone will be so busy I don't think it would work. I also like the Oct. 16th for Sweetie Day... I think I might try that...

 

[Alice in DiamondLand]

there is always after the dinner...

 

[aljdewey]

----------------
On 10/8/2004 2:15:44 PM Todd07 wrote:







Then she will have her special day and the wedding will be a chance to show off her ring and FI (you) without conflicting with her friends wedding.

----------------

Not cool.......it would be totally upstaging to be showing off one's ring at someone else's wedding. It's the bride's day......totally.

 

[KBerly]

please please please don't do it before the wedding, i totally agree with Al, it'll take away the specialness of the bride's day. totally sucks when everyone's asking to see the ring of the maid of honor and not that of the bride's. i think after the wedding would be best, and on "Sweetest Day" would be even better!

 

[JCJD]

Agreed with Al and KBerly - only do it right before or at the wedding if you have the bride and groom's EXPLICIT APPROVAL!! Especially the bride's. Nobody should upstage the bride at her wedding, especially the maid of honor!!

As a girl who's wanting/expecting to get engaged, I don't want my engagement to be raining on any bride's parade, or, as Monica from Friends put it, "stealing her thunder". I agree with Alice, weddings can be a drag when you're waiting for a proposal, but I'm not so anxious that I want to announce my engagement at one! Just my opinion and the way I feel about this situation.

I was actually at several weddings recently, and while I felt deflated (not depressed, just slightly squished

) about not being engaged, I'm also glad the bride was the focus of her wedding day, not the new sparkler on my hand.

I vote Sweetest Day!!

JCJD

 

[JCJD]

"Todd(aka Ricardo, aka Cowboy)"

Whoa Todd/Ricardo/Cowboy!! How many aliases do you have?

AliceinDiamondland - you've got a keeper there!! Many blessings in your impending marriage to the sneakiest man alive!!

May your marriage be filled with many more wonderful surprises!