Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marriage

[iLander]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Didn't read all the posts, but here's a story;

A friend of mine married a man who didn't want children. She LOVES kids, and taught deaf preschoolers early on in her career, but she wanted to please him. She gave up children, and dedicated over 20 years of her life to him.

She's approaching 50, past child-bearing age, and he left her for a younger woman.

Now she really is alone and childless.

And I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that his new, much younger wife talks him into kids within a year. I'll lay money on it.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

That is such an awful situation to be in!
I can understand her changing her feelings towards children as she got older, I don't think it's a particularly rare phenomenon. I think many young women, especially ones who have spent a lot of their youth focusing on their careers, just don't think very concretely about having their own children. I know a lot of young women in serious relationships who "think" they do or do not want kids but are really more on the fence than anything else, it's just not on their mind right now because it's not a decision they think they need to make until years in the future.
I think these changes happen sometimes, which is unfortunate, but sounds like she has a good friend in you. I hope she and her husband reach a peaceful answer, whether that's to stay together or go their separate ways.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if my husband and I are physically unable to have kids. I think I would be ok with it, though I'd be sad about it. I don't know how he would react though and whether or not it would be a deal breaker for him as he has always felt very very strongly about having children.

 

[soocool]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I was someone who initially did not want kids. DH at the time was also unsure, but we spoke in depth about changing our minds as we got older and what we would do if an "oops" pregnancy happened. Ultimately, we decided on one child and are very happy with that decision.

My sister, on the other hand, wanted several kids (she has 3 boys) and her DH was also wanted a large family. She would have tried for a fourth (I think she wanted a girl) but could not get pregnant.

I think when you are in a serious relationship someone has to broach the subject, especially if one of you shows signs of wanting a family and not the other.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Planning our wedding so not yet married but we've talked about this lots.

I think one of the big problems is that even if people talk about stuff, they can (and do!) change their minds over time. Sometimes it has to do with kids/no-kids and sometimes it is parenting styles or private/public schooling or where to live or..........
That is part of life.


One thing you might ask her is how she would feel and what she would do if her DH wanted kids but she or he was physically unable. Would she stay with him? Would he stay with her?

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

My mother has a similar sad story, of a good friend and colleague who married a man who didn't want children, even though she wanted kids. So she put aside having kids for her husband. When she was past the age of being able to have kids, she got cancer. While she was in the hospital her husband started divorce proceedings, not wanting to be "saddled" with a sick wife. It was very hear wrenching for my mom, because her friend realized at that point she had made the wrong decisions in her life, and died without the company or comfort of husband or children.

I can't tell this person what to do, but she should think long and hard if she does stay in this marriage, whether she will have regrets.

 

[trillionaire]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I think any situation where what you picture for your life doesn't come to pass is difficult.

People get married and can't have kids and are disappointed.

People get married and can't agree on kids and are disappointed.

People get married, have kids, then divorce, and are disappointed.

People agree not to have kids, get divorced and are disappointed.


I'm very sympathetic to people in this situation. My husband and I have agreed not to have kids, and I truly fear him changing his mind. If I changed my mind, and he didn't want kids, I know I would chose him over having kids. I can only hope he would feel the same way. (and yes, we have talked about it ad naseum)

I also think that for people who want kids, they often feel it so innately that they can't imagine NOT wanting kids. People had a very strong tendency to think that you will change your mind, or feel differently when some "biological clock" kicks in. Just my feelings on the matter, could be wrong.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I would hope this issue is discussed (and agreed upon) before a couple decides to get engaged/married. I know couples who have talked about it and have been on the same page, but then a few years after marriage, one partner changes his/her mind. Those relationships have not survived, sadly. I'm sorry your friend and her husband are going through such a tough time right now. It can't be easy.

 

[TravelingGal]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Didn't read all the posts, but here's a story;

A friend of mine married a man who didn't want children. She LOVES kids, and taught deaf preschoolers early on in her career, but she wanted to please him. She gave up children, and dedicated over 20 years of her life to him.

She's approaching 50, past child-bearing age, and he left her for a younger woman.

Now she really is alone and childless.

And I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that his new, much younger wife talks him into kids within a year. I'll lay money on it.

God, that's awful and heartbreaking for your friend. Didn't even think of scenarios like that. Not that having kids to be companions is a good reason, but I know my mom really enjoys her golden years because she has us and her grandchild. She says it lights up her day.

 

[bee*]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

DH and I have talked about this a lot, both prior to getting engaged and married and also since we've been married. We're on the same page with the kids issue which is good to know. I'm sorry to hear about your friend-it must be a difficult situation for both of them.

 

[lulu66]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

i'm so sorry for your friend's situation, camus; that's so tough.

DH & i did discuss the possibility of children before we got married (the convo didn't take place until after we were engaged though!). for most of my life i've been saying i don't want kids; being responsible for another human beings life really scares me (and for most of it i was saying i wouldn't get married either ). DH would like to have kids. i said that i would have a kid, but i wasn't agreeing to multiple children before we'd even had one. but i also told him i can see our lives without children & see us both being happy. he agreed. so, as it stands today, in a few years we will try to have a child. if it doesn't work, it doesn't. we will live our lives happily together. if it does, we will be the best parents we can be! i guess that's really all you can do, huh?

on another note, my parents were married for 8 years before they had me. they got married both not wanting any children; then at 30 my mom decided she wanted a kid. they had me & then my two sisters. (of course when you ask mom how dad proposed she'll relay this ultra romantic story: "i told him we were either getting married or breaking up. we got married." hey, if that's true, it has worked for them for 38 years!)

 

[atroop711]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Yes my dh knew I wanted a family..I had to make sure that we were on the same page.

I have a friend who got married, her dh said yes we will have kids one day. They're 44 yr old now and about 10 yrs ago he dropped the bomb that he doesn't want kids. They've been together 18 yrs and for the first 8 yrs he lied to her, led her on. She's with him because she loves him but every time someone she knows gives birth, she breaks down crying. What a JERK

 

[kittybean]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Camus, my heart is breaking for your friend! I can only imagine how hurt and upset she feels. I think you are right that the best thing you can do is listen right now--she needs a kind, supportive friend like you.

To answer your question, DH and I talked about almost every serious thing we could think of before we got married. Part of that was because we did Catholic marriage prep, and one of the things we had to do is take this incredibly long survey about all kinds of important issues and go over it in depth with our pre-marriage counselor and our deacon. I thought it was a great exercise--although I will say that we had already talked about a lot of the stuff well before we went through counseling. It was really important to both of us that we were marrying someone who shared our basic values and beliefs.

 

[Tuckins1]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Yes, absolutely! We had been close friends for many years, but we talked about things like how we save money, school, house, babies, etc... long before we were married. Luckily, we are very like minded on those topics.

 

[labellavita81]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

We talked about kids and marriage WAY before we were married. My husband had been married before and had a daughter from that marriage. I asked him early in our relationship if he wanted all that again because I knew I did and if the man I was falling in love with didn't, I wouldn't have continued with the relationship.

 

[iLander]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Didn't read all the posts, but here's a story;

A friend of mine married a man who didn't want children. She LOVES kids, and taught deaf preschoolers early on in her career, but she wanted to please him. She gave up children, and dedicated over 20 years of her life to him.

She's approaching 50, past child-bearing age, and he left her for a younger woman.

Now she really is alone and childless.

And I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that his new, much younger wife talks him into kids within a year. I'll lay money on it.

God, that's awful and heartbreaking for your friend. Didn't even think of scenarios like that. Not that having kids to be companions is a good reason, but I know my mom really enjoys her golden years because she has us and her grandchild. She says it lights up her day.

Oh, it's awful, isn't it? She would visit and she was so WONDERFUL with my kids that it was heartbreaking and obvious that she wanted her own.

I have another friend whose husband didn't want to have kids because --you ready?-- it would "mess up" her body. She's over 50 now, and she just had to have a double mastectomy. She's getting her breasts rebuilt, but she's really scared about him now. She even says to me "he better stay around, that's his trade off for my not having kids'.

I have another friend whose husband kept putting her off, until her mid '40's. They finally decided to have 2-3 kids and they managed to have one, but the latest attempts aren't working. She's just had her second miscarriage and is so sad that she waited and can't have more.

Why do some women marry such a$$holes? I've met these guys and they totally aren't worth it.

 

[diva rose]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Didn't read all the posts, but here's a story;

A friend of mine married a man who didn't want children. She LOVES kids, and taught deaf preschoolers early on in her career, but she wanted to please him. She gave up children, and dedicated over 20 years of her life to him.

She's approaching 50, past child-bearing age, and he left her for a younger woman.

Now she really is alone and childless.

And I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that his new, much younger wife talks him into kids within a year. I'll lay money on it.

God, that's awful and heartbreaking for your friend. Didn't even think of scenarios like that. Not that having kids to be companions is a good reason, but I know my mom really enjoys her golden years because she has us and her grandchild. She says it lights up her day.

Oh, it's awful, isn't it? She would visit and she was so WONDERFUL with my kids that it was heartbreaking and obvious that she wanted her own.

I have another friend whose husband didn't want to have kids because --you ready?-- it would "mess up" her body. She's over 50 now, and she just had to have a double mastectomy. She's getting her breasts rebuilt, but she's really scared about him now. She even says to me "he better stay around, that's his trade off for my not having kids'.

I have another friend whose husband kept putting her off, until her mid '40's. They finally decided to have 2-3 kids and they managed to have one, but the latest attempts aren't working. She's just had her second miscarriage and is so sad that she waited and can't have more.

Why do some women marry such a$$holes? I've met these guys and they totally aren't worth it.

This is so bad - I feel sorry for your friends. The one about her husband not wanting children because it messes up her body - ugh! What a pig seriously. And if she gained weight - what will he do then?

DH and I talked about issues such as children, living styles, family etc before we got married. I have to agree with the PSers here, wanting children isn't something you 'grow' into when you are already in your 30s.The question is usually 'when' you want to have kids not 'if' you want to have kids.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Come to my store...JL Waters & Company. Seriously.

There is no bullshit. That's all.

 

[sirbenson]

Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Yup, I told my husband that if he wanted kids I'm not the gal to be dating because I don't want any. He was okay with that and even went and had himself snipped at 22 because he knew how strongly I felt about no kids and he didn't want them either. To me that's something to be upfront about near the first date if your a "never having kids person."

Same here, except ths snipping part-haha! FH and I talked about EVERYTHING while we were dating. I would have never continued to go out with him if he wanted kids because I absolutely do not. IMHO if a couple can't talk about "serious" issues like children, real estate, religion, finances, goals in life, etc. before they get married, they aren't ready to get married.