I agree that three times a week, every week, is really OTT.Date: 10/6/2008 8:53:15 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Further information obviously required.
My DH goes out drinking about 3 nights a week. He is ridiculous drunk about once a week. He fails to come home until 6 or 7 about once a month.
I got more information later - he in fact had his keys, and cannot recall either sleeping in the car or why he did so.
My comment was annoyance with him. This is more of the same and I wanted him to move so I could go to work.
Counselling - great idea!!! Anyone have any idea how to make a 32 year old man go to counselling, either with me or alone? I''ve asked, he has refused. I go on my own.
Input?
Ditto.Date: 10/7/2008 1:03:14 PM
Author: movie zombie
whether or not he currently is an alcoholic, he has problems and is trying to escape his problems with this behavior. unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water but you can''t force it to drink: if he won''t go to counseling, he leaves you no choice in my opinion but to do what is best for you and your child. he''s already halfway down a slippery slope and unless he wakes up and admits to a problem and seeks help, things will get worse, you''ll be a very angry mother, and your son will have a very bad roll model not only from his father but about how relationships function.
good luck. this is not easy. sometimes love just is not enough. and unless two people are working on a relationship, there is no relationship.
movie zombie
Amen.Date: 10/8/2008 12:38:52 PM
Author: cara
Don''t just threaten to leave if he doesn''t go to counseling until you are ready to leave - if you can''t follow through, then your threat will be empty.
I would not call this a ''midlife crisis'' - that misdirects from the specifics we have: alcohol abuse and deteriorating marriage.
But do please go to Al-Anon and personal counseling for yourself to help you reach the point where you can see that your husband''s behavior is destructive and no good for your son or your marriage.
Lest you hold off too long on confronting your husband, however, my warning story: My mother asked my father for years to go to counseling. He didn''t want to because he didn''t believe in counseling and thought she was the problem and saw counseling as a way for her to manipulate him into doing what she wanted (probably some truth to that.) Mother went alone sporadically and finally left after many, many years, but was so done with the marriage by that time that she didn''t want to do any counseling with my father toward getting back together. Even though her moving out finally shocked him into wanting to go to counseling with her - he was willing to finally change many of his behaviors but it was too late for them.
Anyway. The love in your marriage is leaking out, and the longer you wait to confront the problems head-on, the more repair work will be needed to save it. However, to confront the problems you must be prepared to face the fact that you alone cannot fix things. You cannot force a grown man into counseling and you cannot make him stop drinking. You also must confront the fact that you may have to leave your marriage if he isn''t willing to do his part - for your sake and for your son.
Best of luck to you.
Date: 10/8/2008 9:46:02 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I don''t know if I am kidding myself, but I kind of saw this as ''borderline'' behaviour. He is in sales in the oil-patch, and it is very much a hard drinking boys club. So I kind of figured it was part of the job, but it was getting a bit too much, especially this last bit.
Date: 10/17/2008 11:57:36 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. No doubt, he is escaping from life through his ''work''. He can''t quite comprehend that he has a wife and a child. I believe it is all too much for him.
I can''t talk to him about this, as he is not in a place emotionally to have a productive discussion. I am very much alone with my counsellor in this discussion.
I am working on myself at this point and focussing on my work and my son. I am going to succeed and prosper despite any of his actions.
Thanks everyone. This is very hard to deal with alone....
+1.Date: 10/18/2008 12:23:57 PM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 10/17/2008 11:57:36 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. No doubt, he is escaping from life through his ''work''. He can''t quite comprehend that he has a wife and a child. I believe it is all too much for him.
I can''t talk to him about this, as he is not in a place emotionally to have a productive discussion. I am very much alone with my counsellor in this discussion.
I am working on myself at this point and focussing on my work and my son. I am going to succeed and prosper despite any of his actions.
Thanks everyone. This is very hard to deal with alone....
What does your therapist say about this? To *me* the biggest red flag is your last sentence. A marriage is a partnership and if it isn''t anymore, then you need to do some serious soul searching to decide if you really should be IN a marriage with this man. Big hugs.
Yup. +2. I believe in fighting for your marriage, but I also believe there are times when a woman, and her child, are better off on their own. I was raised by a single mother because my biological father is not a suitable parent or partner, and although it is hard, it can be done. Being financially stable makes it easier as well. One of my closest friends has a 2 and a half year old and she finally dumped her sad sack husband... it is amazing the changes that have taken place. She is less anxious, she never gets sick anymore (bad relationships make you ill), and she is happy and contented. Better yet, her boy is thriving and he is becoming happier and more outgoing now that mom is no longer so stressed. Most of the crap in her life came from him, and with him basically out of the picture (he sees his son once a week now but I give it 6 months before he disappears), she and her son are doing wonderfully and she feels less lonely now with him gone than she did with him there. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you don't have to live in a stressful, uncomfortable, lonely situation. Life is simply too short for that.Date: 10/18/2008 12:38:34 PM
Author: movie zombie
+1.Date: 10/18/2008 12:23:57 PM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 10/17/2008 11:57:36 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. No doubt, he is escaping from life through his 'work'. He can't quite comprehend that he has a wife and a child. I believe it is all too much for him.
I can't talk to him about this, as he is not in a place emotionally to have a productive discussion. I am very much alone with my counsellor in this discussion.
I am working on myself at this point and focussing on my work and my son. I am going to succeed and prosper despite any of his actions.
Thanks everyone. This is very hard to deal with alone....
What does your therapist say about this? To *me* the biggest red flag is your last sentence. A marriage is a partnership and if it isn't anymore, then you need to do some serious soul searching to decide if you really should be IN a marriage with this man. Big hugs.
movie zombie
I''m glad that you''re focusing on yourself and your son. That''s the best thing to do when DH is not ready to deal with his problems. Good luck and I''m very sorry that you''re dealing with this.Date: 10/17/2008 11:57:36 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
I can''t talk to him about this, as he is not in a place emotionally to have a productive discussion. I am very much alone with my counsellor in this discussion.
I am working on myself at this point and focussing on my work and my son. I am going to succeed and prosper despite any of his actions.
Thanks everyone. This is very hard to deal with alone....
Dreamer, well said! I kicked my soon to be ex husband out in April and filed for divorce. I am now much MUCH happier and, as you mentioned, less lonely! Sometimes it''s definitely better to be alone than to be in a bad marriage/relationship.Date: 10/18/2008 9:16:19 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Yup. +2. I believe in fighting for your marriage, but I also believe there are times when a woman, and her child, are better off on their own. I was raised by a single mother because my biological father is not a suitable parent or partner, and although it is hard, it can be done. Being financially stable makes it easier as well. One of my closest friends has a 2 and a half year old and she finally dumped her sad sack husband... it is amazing the changes that have taken place. She is less anxious, she never gets sick anymore (bad relationships make you ill), and she is happy and contented. Better yet, her boy is thriving and he is becoming happier and more outgoing now that mom is no longer so stressed. Most of the crap in her life came from him, and with him basically out of the picture (he sees his son once a week now but I give it 6 months before he disappears), she and her son are doing wonderfully and she feels less lonely now with him gone than she did with him there. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you don''t have to live in a stressful, uncomfortable, lonely situation. Life is simply too short for that.Date: 10/18/2008 12:38:34 PM
Author: movie zombie
+1.Date: 10/18/2008 12:23:57 PM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 10/17/2008 11:57:36 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. No doubt, he is escaping from life through his ''work''. He can''t quite comprehend that he has a wife and a child. I believe it is all too much for him.
I can''t talk to him about this, as he is not in a place emotionally to have a productive discussion. I am very much alone with my counsellor in this discussion.
I am working on myself at this point and focussing on my work and my son. I am going to succeed and prosper despite any of his actions.
Thanks everyone. This is very hard to deal with alone....
What does your therapist say about this? To *me* the biggest red flag is your last sentence. A marriage is a partnership and if it isn''t anymore, then you need to do some serious soul searching to decide if you really should be IN a marriage with this man. Big hugs.
movie zombie
LC,Date: 10/17/2008 11:57:36 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. No doubt, he is escaping from life through his ''work''. He can''t quite comprehend that he has a wife and a child. I believe it is all too much for him.
I can''t talk to him about this, as he is not in a place emotionally to have a productive discussion. I am very much alone with my counsellor in this discussion.
I am working on myself at this point and focussing on my work and my son. I am going to succeed and prosper despite any of his actions.
Thanks everyone. This is very hard to deal with alone....
With respect Honey,Date: 11/20/2008 8:23:41 PM
Author: honey22
I don''t know about any previous issues with your hubby, so I can only comment on this particular situation. It sounds like you were both out of line. He should have attempted to call you and let you know where he is. You don''t know why he was in the car, as others have said, he could have been trying to avoid waking you, who knows. Yes, it''s unacceptable that he just doesn''t come home and he should provide an explanation and an apology.
Bearing in mind, I have no insight into your relationship, but I don''t think you reaction was that great either. Were you not concerned about him? For all you know, he may have been drugged? Attacked? Who knows, highly unlikely yes and he was probably just being a shit, but I would give my partner the benefit of the doubt in this case. That said, this may be the 100th time you have given him the benefit of the doubt.
This is def something you both need to discuss. I would be very concerned if my FI just didn''t come home one night. I really hope you guys can work this out, for both your sake and of your child.
Pretty close Honey, he''s basically drunk somewhere between 100 to 140+ days out of 365.Date: 11/20/2008 8:23:41 PM
Author: honey22
... That said, this may be the 100th time you have given him the benefit of the doubt.
Date: 11/25/2008 12:07:27 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Hi all;
Been very busy, so I haven''t been hangin'' out here much. So I missed all of this.
Same crap with DH lately. Just looking after me and my little man first and foremost. DH has little interest in either of us, so all good there.
Date: 11/25/2008 2:45:19 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Maybe he will, maybe he won''t. I can''t change him or make him see the error of his ways. I can only worry about my behaviour, which will be kind and loving to him. I can have a great relationship with Miller, and ensure he is not negatively impacted.