Living together before marriage - good or bad thing?

[Camille]

Lovely post BJade, is all about commitment, no right/wrong. Imo, living works great as long as both are on the same page, yeah is cheaper but sooooo much time, emotions and chores invested, I''m not sure would done it since my mind was set on marriage/kids, add to that [young age] 2 sets of traditional parents, and great distance....marriage was def the best option. Everyone is happy and very much in love...02

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:16:32 AM
Author: meresal
Here''s a statistic for you.


I have 3 sisters, all married. Oldest lived with her husband before hand and albeit there a little odd, they have been happily married since 89. Just celebrated 20 yrs last week. Second oldest didn''t live together, got married in 97, and were divorced within 4 years. She remarried last year to a great guy that we all love. Last one got married in 2000, didn''t live together or sleep with eachother, and they have almost split at least 2 times.


Every relationship is different. You make what you want of it. If you wake up each day and CHOOSE to love your spouse every morning, and CHOOSE to love them all day, and CHOOSE to love them before falling asleep at night, then you will have a successful relationship. It doesn''t matter if you lived together or not, it matters what you and your spouse CHOOSE to do when problems arise.

You can''t force your spouse to choose, you just have to trust that they will uphold their vows every day of your lives. If they choose not to, or you choose not to, then the relationship ends. I don''t believe it has anything to do with living together, it has to do with passion and happiness. You either choose to have it or you don''t.

+1. Love this post.

Personally, I would never marry someone without living with them first. Being able to live with my soon to be fiance has helped me feel much more like a life partner or equal than a girlfriend, and therefore better prepared for what to expect in a marriage.

 

[Blackpaw]

I think for me personally its better to live together prior to marriage. I dont want to make a mistake i could avoid, and though i know living together first is no guarantee that my relationship wont fail, it makes me feel like ive made the best effort to know what im entering into. And of course, as many have pointed out there are many more factors that influence divorce rates than just cohabitation prior to marriage.

Its a very interesting debate though. Marriage was essentially a product of religion (you can debate whether its beginnings were glorious or despicable!) but is now a product of society (IMO). And in a lot of ways you could say its extremely antiquated. Plus, is divorce really so bad? Its obviously not a happy thing but perhaps people put too much negative emphasis on it and make it worse than it is. After all, if you''re not happy, do what you have to do to make yourself happy. And if you take away the religious aspect of marriage, then there isnt perhaps a need to make it the be-all end-all measure of relationship success.

But yes there are obviously lots of factors to consider!

Also the ''desperate'' girls living with their boyfriends waiting for an engagement is a little judgementally put in my opinion. Everyone has their insecurities after all, and even if this is correct in a lot of cases (it could even be in mine, im not sure but im going to have a think about it!) that doesn''t take away from the fact that its nasty to say it and reflects badly on the person saying it, not the unknowing target. I guess i just think its better to be diplomatic when you''re essentially having a go at peoples life choices (and as you pointed out Black Jade, there are a lot of people on these boards that that could apply to), and make sure it comes from a nice place and not one of judgment.

Hope that wasnt too much of a downer! Good chat lets keep it going

Like princess said Black Jade id be interested to hear more about your research/experience.

 

[princesss]

Blackpaw, I think the marriage for religion or legal standing is a chicken or the egg thing. I wouldn''t be surprised if it started because of religion and I wouldn''t be surprised if it started as a way to show loyalty and join properties/assessts among families. I would love to know if somebody has a definitive answer, because it seems like it could really go both ways.

 

[minx714]

I''ve been living with my BF for a little over 2 years, been together for 4. For me it definitely was the right choice. I agree with the others that it should be the decision of the couple. I also agree with Blackpaw about women not necessarily being "insecure" or "desperate". I definitely was not one of those women. My BF actually had to slowly bring up the idea of marriage over a year of discussions because I was so against the idea of needing marriage, or seeing myself in a marriage. I always thought that if I wanted to be with someone and they wanted to be with me, there really wasn''t a need to get married. I likened it to a jail that wasn''t easily escapable for either party if it wasn''t working. I know view it as a celebration for us, I think because I love him more than I''ve ever loved anyone. Living together helped us work on our relationship before having to deal with all the stress that a wedding can create.

An interesting fact. My mom went to Peru a couple years ago, and one of their local customs is quite different than ours. When a couple want to marry, they are required to live together for 2 years. If after that 2 years they stil want to get married, then it is blessed by the village.

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:56:11 AM
Author: princesss
Blackpaw, I think the marriage for religion or legal standing is a chicken or the egg thing. I wouldn''t be surprised if it started because of religion and I wouldn''t be surprised if it started as a way to show loyalty and join properties/assessts among families. I would love to know if somebody has a definitive answer, because it seems like it could really go both ways.

To be honest im not sure. I seem to recall reading along the lines of for asset/land transfer/consolidation etc, and something to do with women, but im not sure of the source so couldnt be quoted on it!

Id guess its not an especially glorious institution in its beginnings

but then what is?!

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:56:11 AM
Author: princesss
Blackpaw, I think the marriage for religion or legal standing is a chicken or the egg thing. I wouldn''t be surprised if it started because of religion and I wouldn''t be surprised if it started as a way to show loyalty and join properties/assessts among families. I would love to know if somebody has a definitive answer, because it seems like it could really go both ways.

It''s because father''s couldn''t afford thier daughters after the age of 15. And as people started making more money, the age of marriage has gotten later and later...

 

[diamondringlover]

We lived together for 14 months before we got married, we have been married 25 years, I think living together is a good idea because you get to know each other before the get married.

 

[Black Jade]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:12:01 AM
Author: princesss
Interesting post, as always, Black Jade. I would be interested to hear where you''re getting some of the data on women still not feeling they can trust their partners after marriage just because they lived together and were on edge. Have you read it somewhere or is it just anecdotal evidence and your own conclusions? I''m really interested in things like this because I think often people just do the best that they can with what they''ve got, and relationships depend so much on the personalities of the people in them and their own backgrounds that I think it''s hard to make across the board statements.

I''m really not trying to be snarky, so I apologize if this is coming out that way, I just genuinely want to see what you''re seeing. I think you made several good points, so I''d like to know if there is something I can read or if it''ll just take a few more years of observing different couples and talking to them. (I''m young and impatient, lol, and like to know things like this before I make major decisions instead of looking backwards and saying, ''I should have done x.'')

You do not come across as snarky at all.

You seem willing to consider a ''different'' point of view, even if you don''t agree with it initially. That''s all anyone could ask for. I don''t think I was as open-minded as you, when I was young.

It''s from years and years of people confiding in me, seeing people''s relationships work out over a thirty year period and also as I said, experience from classes counselling women about relationships and hearing some pretty sad stories. There is information on the internet (and in other places too) about the number of couples who break up instead of marrying after living together, and who divorce after marrying after living together, including the study that gave rise to the OP.

Mine is one opinion to add to many.

And in response to some other posters, I''m not judgmental towards the ladies who seem to me to be ''desperate'' (I know that''s a loaded word) wishing to be married when I read their posts on these boards. But that is indeed how many come across. What is most interesting to me is that I do not look in the LIW section in particular (not being one) and do not open posts on purpose on this subject. I just scroll through the ''Posted Today'' section, usually and click on subjects that seem interesting to me, yet posts on the subject have come up so often during the year that I''ve been on this board that I am sure it''s more than just a trend or just a few people. What I feel when I read these posts is sad, if I were to name an emotion. I by no means wish things to turn out badly for these ladies, nor do I feel that they deserve some sort of punishment--I would really like to see all of them have a happy ending! It does not sound as if they are happy right now though. (Again, I am NOT thinking of anyone in particular, this is from reading a lot of posts).

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Just keep in mind that people who post about the troubles they're having by living together are a self selecting population. People like me, who lived together happily and are now happily engaged, don't generally start threads about it.

I personally find studies like this quite a big waste of resources since they don't prove causation in anything...

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/16/2009 12:35:43 PM
Author: Black Jade

Date: 7/16/2009 11:12:01 AM
Author: princesss
Interesting post, as always, Black Jade. I would be interested to hear where you''re getting some of the data on women still not feeling they can trust their partners after marriage just because they lived together and were on edge. Have you read it somewhere or is it just anecdotal evidence and your own conclusions? I''m really interested in things like this because I think often people just do the best that they can with what they''ve got, and relationships depend so much on the personalities of the people in them and their own backgrounds that I think it''s hard to make across the board statements.

I''m really not trying to be snarky, so I apologize if this is coming out that way, I just genuinely want to see what you''re seeing. I think you made several good points, so I''d like to know if there is something I can read or if it''ll just take a few more years of observing different couples and talking to them. (I''m young and impatient, lol, and like to know things like this before I make major decisions instead of looking backwards and saying, ''I should have done x.'')

You do not come across as snarky at all.

You seem willing to consider a ''different'' point of view, even if you don''t agree with it initially. That''s all anyone could ask for. I don''t think I was as open-minded as you, when I was young.

It''s from years and years of people confiding in me, seeing people''s relationships work out over a thirty year period and also as I said, experience from classes counselling women about relationships and hearing some pretty sad stories. There is information on the internet (and in other places too) about the number of couples who break up instead of marrying after living together, and who divorce after marrying after living together, including the study that gave rise to the OP.

Mine is one opinion to add to many.

And in response to some other posters, I''m not judgmental towards the ladies who seem to me to be ''desperate'' (I know that''s a loaded word) wishing to be married when I read their posts on these boards. But that is indeed how many come across. What is most interesting to me is that I do not look in the LIW section in particular (not being one) and do not open posts on purpose on this subject. I just scroll through the ''Posted Today'' section, usually and click on subjects that seem interesting to me, yet posts on the subject have come up so often during the year that I''ve been on this board that I am sure it''s more than just a trend or just a few people. What I feel when I read these posts is sad, if I were to name an emotion. I by no means wish things to turn out badly for these ladies, nor do I feel that they deserve some sort of punishment--I would really like to see all of them have a happy ending! It does not sound as if they are happy right now though. (Again, I am NOT thinking of anyone in particular, this is from reading a lot of posts).

I''m glad it didn''t come across snarky. Sometimes it''s hard to show genuine interest when somebody knows you''re (at least starting) on the opposite ''side'' of a discussion, so I wanted to be sure I was totally clear.

Thanks so much for sharing. I''m interested about these counseling classes. Are they to teach you how to counsel other women? It seems like that could be very helpful. Are they through a church group?

I feel like with this topic and with many others that come up in relationships, we all need to think hard about our options and our values and see how things connect. In the next few years BF and I will have to make some choices about living situations and I like having different perspectives to think about so that I can enter those conversations and situations with a good sense of what I think will be best for me.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/16/2009 12:24:55 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 7/16/2009 11:56:11 AM
Author: princesss
Blackpaw, I think the marriage for religion or legal standing is a chicken or the egg thing. I wouldn''t be surprised if it started because of religion and I wouldn''t be surprised if it started as a way to show loyalty and join properties/assessts among families. I would love to know if somebody has a definitive answer, because it seems like it could really go both ways.

It''s because father''s couldn''t afford thier daughters after the age of 15. And as people started making more money, the age of marriage has gotten later and later...

Ahhh. Makes sense. Thanks!

 

[KatyWI]

I don''t get what the deal is when people say "Well I would never marry someone without living with them first."

Like... you love them more than anything in the world, but then you don''t like that he leaves towels on the floor so you better not get married?

Maybe it''s because FI and I are so ultra-compatible, but even his poorer habits don''t really affect how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I didn''t move in until months after we were engaged, and I''ve never lived with any other man.

Can someone enlighten me? Maybe those that have had relationships go south after you moved in? Like... I just believe that it''s not the living together thing that made things go bad, but more that when you spent so much time together you realized you weren''t that compatible after all? I don''t know...

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I think the statisic is skewed. Those that think living together before marriage is a "no no" also tend to see divorce as a "no no" as well, despite wether they are happy or have a good relationship at all.

I think it''s very important to know whether you are compatible living with someone before you spend the rest of your life with that person. People are VERY different when you have to live with them, as opposed to just visiting them.

Times change...

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 7/16/2009 1:11:46 PM
Author: KatyWI
I don't get what the deal is when people say 'Well I would never marry someone without living with them first.'

I think when people say that, they mean that a person might be a very different person when not in "date" mode. Everyone puts their best foot forward when they're out on a date with someone special, but sometimes they may be very different "off the clock", which is something you get to see if you live together. And they may behave differently towards you when you're living together and constantly seeing each other.
And often you get to learn how you work out disagreements and conflict, and how you two reach compromises. There isn't often too much conflict when you just see each other a few times a week for a date, and he might be more willing to "give in", but you get into a lot more little situations when living together that require you to talk it out and reach understandings (little things like who cooks and when, who's responsible for what, etc). It often takes you to a higher level of communicating in my opinion.

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/16/2009 1:11:46 PM
Author: KatyWI
I don't get what the deal is when people say 'Well I would never marry someone without living with them first.'

Like... you love them more than anything in the world, but then you don't like that he leaves towels on the floor so you better not get married?

Maybe it's because FI and I are so ultra-compatible, but even his poorer habits don't really affect how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I didn't move in until months after we were engaged, and I've never lived with any other man.

Can someone enlighten me? Maybe those that have had relationships go south after you moved in? Like... I just believe that it's not the living together thing that made things go bad, but more that when you spent so much time together you realized you weren't that compatible after all? I don't know...

My sister that got divorced, didn't live with her Ex before hand.

They moved in together and everything was fine for the first year or two (They moved from TX to NJ and then to CA in the span of 2 years so they never really got settled until the house in CA). He was a cleaner, liked coasters to be used, clean dishes after eating, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then his OCD came out once the actually bought a house. He hated visitors, Christmas, Thanksgiving, anytime. Hated us being in HIS house. It quickly got worse. She would set a fork down on the counter to get another slice of cake or another helping of dinner, and he would come up not 10 seconds later and put it in the dish washer (excuse me, I miss spoke, he would fling open the dishwasher door, gingle a bunch of silverware around to "shove" the fork in, and then slam the dishwasher door shut). Their marriage ended shortly after the permanent marker writing ON the washing machine, telling my sister, "Don't be such a F-ing Moron!!! Colors are colors and whites are white!!!". She openly admits that if they had lived together, these tendencies would have come out sooner. No, my sister did not used to be the cleanest person on the planet, but she made sure thier house was spotless, out of fear. When that wasn't enough, he chose these other tactics to make a point, like the ones above.

People that have seen or been part of experiences like these, know that some people are very good about hiding their bad traits. When you are forced to be around someone at all hours of the day/night, it is much harder to hide them.

 

[Blackpaw]

What MakingTheGrade says about the self selecting population is interesting - happy people dont usually feel the need to tell people about it. And it also suggests that anecdotal evidence is far from a reliable measure of the way of the world. For instance, Black Jade you said that through your experience the women you have met who''ve lived together before marriage have regretted it, or their relationship/marriage has failed. But perhaps in the context you met them you were more likely to meet people with these life experiences. And in a religious context of course a negative view of living together/sex before marriage is going to fit more easily than a positive one, both for you and for the people who have had bad experiences with this because it ''fits in'' with observation in your case, and experience in theirs. But people who have happy relationships and have lived together before marriage aren''t likely to go to counselling over it. And counselling that is religious based if they''re not religious.

And Black Jade you can say ''Blackpaw'' instead of some other posters, id dont mind

I hope you didnt take offence at what i said, i respect your opinion and thought you made some excellent points, i was just pointing out that to me its not fair or nice to label people based on their living situation or a random post or two on a website; nor is it just to assume that they''re representative of all people who live together before marriage.

Princess what you say about connecting values is really interesting i think. I havent got the life experience to test this yet unfortunately, but i feel like values, and the more important lifestyle choices (eg, kids/no kids) are the most important measure of the potential for success in a relationship. That and common goals, interests to a lesser extent. Black Jade id be interested to know what your experience has taught you about this? Take away the living together before marriage or not thing, and what makes a good marriage in your opinion? Because living together or not of course isnt the whole picture, so it would be interesting to know what else people think are contributing factors?

Oh and there was a study done in Australia that actually came out a week or two ago, ill try and dig it up. I was interested by it because it suggested that women in de facto relationships that broke up were often single four (or it could have been 5?) years afterwards. Which could support what black jade said about the emotional toll of this!

 

[Erinleigh]

For me, I honestly believe that studies like these aren't helpful at all in projecting what might happen to a relationship in the long term. I think that, as other posters have stated, there is a large correlation between couples choosing to live together before marriage and religion. I believe there is also a large correlation between divorce and religion. Thereby, if you're not going to live together before marriage (because of religion), you're also a lot less likely to be divorced during your lifetime (because it's not an acceptable practice, at least in the catholic church). If you're fine with 'living in sin', then you probably aren't as against divorce (not that anyone wants this in their life).

How can you make broad statements like 'living together before marriage = more likely to be divorced' without including factors such as religion/social acceptance of decisions?

 

[kittybean]

I'm wondering what people think about living together before marriage but after engagement. This is what I did. We didn't decide to live together until several months after we got engaged. We already had set a wedding date and started our religious marriage preparation before we started discussing moving in together; it just made sense to us to do so for a variety of reasons.

My questions:

Black Jade and others who are in the not-living-together-before-marriage camp, are your opinion and your observations about living together the same if the couple has already gotten engaged?

Those in the green-light-to-living-together camp, do you think it's any different if the couple is already engaged versus if they are dating? Do you think a couple that's already engaged should maybe have lived together before taking that step?

 

[Lilac]

I think it has more to do with how much TIME people spend together before marriage, and not necessarily whether or not they live together. I think people who spend most of their time together before marriage and date for a long time fall into a very different category than people who date for only a few months and only see each other once or twice a week before they get married.

I''m not saying all marriages will work when you spend a lot of time together before marriage (I know some that haven''t) and I''m not saying all marriages will fail when you spend very little time together before marriage (I know some that last) - but I don''t think it''s necessarily the LIVING TOGETHER that makes the difference.

I think it''s the amount of TIME spent together, because the more time you spend together even if you don''t live with each other, the more time you have to learn how to communicate effectively and learn how to compromise. And the more time you spend together, the less likely you can hide personality traits from your significant other.

DH and I didn''t live together before marriage, but we dated for over 4 and a half years and spent almost all our time with each other (outside of school/work) during all those years. We even shared friends and all went out together. Even though we didn''t actually live with each other, we spent so many hours every single day together that we learned how to communicate better, how to compromise with each other, and how to deal with certain characteristics in each other that may have gotten on our nerves at first. Moving in together after we got married has felt no different from before we were married, except it''s more FUN now because neither of us have to leave at night!

 

[FrekeChild]

I didn''t read Black Jade''s post because she''s held fast to her stance on this before.


Correlation, not causation. Huge difference.

This is coming from a woman who is getting a Psych degree with a concentration in Family and Relationships, is living with her fiance (who is a sociological statistician), and is the daughter of a divorce attorney (who happened to be married for 32 years until my mom passed away).

Now where is musey?

 

[ficklefaye]

FI and i moved in right after we got engaged, there have been ups and downs, but definitely more ups

i am very glad that we decided to move in together because i honestly feel closer to him and not just distance-wise, i feel we are closer as a couple, working as a team even if it''s just to decide who is going to do this chore or who is going to pick up the milk, of course i''m not sure how different our married life will be, but i am enjoying my time with FI now

 

[ice-queen]

We are not living together before marriage- but it has nothing to do with silly statistics. I CAN'T WAIT to live with him, but part of me is just a bit old-fashioned (which, even some of my friends would be surprised to hear). I like the idea of coming back from the honeymoon and moving into our apt/house which will now be our home together- rather than just coming back to the same old place we've always shared. I want there to be a big physical difference to go along with the monumental commitment we have made. I also like the idea of waiting to move in together until you at least get engaged, because that is monumental in and of itself, but I ultimately decided to wait.

Now, FI would have liked to move in together a long time ago. Obviously we spend a lot of time and a lot of nights at eachother's places, and it would make complete sense (especially finanically- hello, cut my bills in half?!) to just do it, but I don't want reasons like that to cloud my judgement.

But I'm not at all opposed to other people living together before marriage, as long as they see a future. What I can't stand are girls who move in with practically every boyfriend they have, only to break up and move in with another guy 6 months later...yuck

 

[packrat]

We didn''t live together, but I was at his house all the time and had brought lots of my clothes and extra make up ect there, so I could spend the weekends. I started doing that right before we got engaged, and we were married 9 months later.

I did live with a past boyfriend, and it did not go well-this was back when I was 20/21 or so. The guy I dated before JD wanted to live together so we could get to know each other better..I figured that''s what dating was for, and that''s what the time was supposed to be used for-to talk, hang out, etc, and I figured if he was that unsure about us, living together wasn''t going to solve anything, just exacerbate whatever issues he had. I could see while dating that I didn''t like how he dealt with things in our relationship, and how he treated others-I didn''t need to live with him to have an aha moment.

It was different with JD. When we realized we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we got engaged, and then got married. No couple is 100% compatible-there''s always going to be things that need to be worked on or talked about. We just knew we are willing to compromise and talk and get thru problems, so we didn''t need to live together unmarried to find out things about each other and see if it would work out. We just wanted to be married. That''s just our personalities tho..we hashed out everything we could possibly think of. I don''t think there''s a right or wrong. I think a lot of it has to do with maturity. If you don''t have the maturity level to deal with another person and the problems that *will* come up just in everyday life, it doesn''t matter if you live together 20 years, or you get married.

A couple who are friends of ours, got married while she was in high school..eons ago, seems like. They have a great marriage (20 years now I think). Another couple who are friends of ours, lived together for awhile before getting married, (10 years now) and I know the big "D" word is bandied about like it''s no big deal. There''s a different level of maturity there.

I guess whether you live together or date and then get married, it''s a personal choice, and what''s "right" will be different for everyone..but regardless it needs to be treated with respect by both parties. If you view it as a "trial" period, (rather than the commitment it is) then that gives it a certain aspect of..a throwaway relationship I think. As in, well, if you don''t do things the way I like, I''ll move out, or you will, no biggee. I wouldn''t want to marry someone with that mindset.

 

[packrat]

Date: 7/16/2009 1:55:21 PM
Author: Lilac
I think it has more to do with how much TIME people spend together before marriage, and not necessarily whether or not they live together. I think people who spend most of their time together before marriage and date for a long time fall into a very different category than people who date for only a few months and only see each other once or twice a week before they get married.


I''m not saying all marriages will work when you spend a lot of time together before marriage (I know some that haven''t) and I''m not saying all marriages will fail when you spend very little time together before marriage (I know some that last) - but I don''t think it''s necessarily the LIVING TOGETHER that makes the difference.


I think it''s the amount of TIME spent together, because the more time you spend together even if you don''t live with each other, the more time you have to learn how to communicate effectively and learn how to compromise. And the more time you spend together, the less likely you can hide personality traits from your significant other.


DH and I didn''t live together before marriage, but we dated for over 4 and a half years and spent almost all our time with each other (outside of school/work) during all those years. We even shared friends and all went out together. Even though we didn''t actually live with each other, we spent so many hours every single day together that we learned how to communicate better, how to compromise with each other, and how to deal with certain characteristics in each other that may have gotten on our nerves at first. Moving in together after we got married has felt no different from before we were married, except it''s more FUN now because neither of us have to leave at night!

+1. I started my post about an hour and a half ago and got interrupted for lunch and putting the boy to bed, so I didn''t see Lilac''s post. I very much agree about the time factor, Lilac!

 

[Laila619]

Date: 7/16/2009 8:52:42 AM
Author:Londongirl1
Well.... according to a recent study of 1000 married couples by a US psychologist, couples who live separately before getting engaged or married are more likely to have a lasting marriage.

I'm interested to know whether any PSers have made a decision not to live with your partner until after the 'big day' and do you think it made (or will make) your marriage better?

DH and I absolutely did NOT live together until after the wedding. We are very traditional like that.

I don't know that it's made our marriage stronger per se, but it's certainly made it more special because getting to live together and join finances etc. was so EXCITING! We couldn't wait. Being newlyweds when we moved in was so much fun.

A lot of couples who live together before marriage say that after the wedding, nothing really feels all that different since they'd already been living together for years. How sad. Nobody saves anything for marriage anymore, so of course it's not going to feel all that different! We didn't want that.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 7/16/2009 2:11:13 PM
Author: ice-queen
I like the idea of coming back from the honeymoon and moving into our apt/house which will now be our home together- rather than just coming back to the same old place we''ve always shared. I want there to be a big physical difference to go along with the monumental commitment we have made.

YES! Exactly.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/16/2009 8:52:42 AM
Author:Londongirl1
Well.... according to a recent study of 1000 married couples by a US psychologist, couples who live separately before getting engaged or married are more likely to have a lasting marriage.


I'm interested to know whether any PSers have made a decision not to live with your partner until after the 'big day' and do you think it made (or will make) your marriage better?

Meh, lots and lots of factors have to combine to make a lasting marriage; that isn't going to make or break it, in my opinion.

For us, we started out as an international relationship and then a long-distance relationship. For years, our problem was too much distance, not too little. James was ready to get engaged/married with all that distance, but I wasn't because our whole relationship was based on "vacation time," not "real life/budget/pay the bills time." He had never lived on his own before, so it was essential to me to know for a fact that he was able to budget his money and not going to be a giant momma's boy and expect me to baby him like his mother does (and let me tell you, we've been living together for almost a year and I am still acclimating him to his responsibilities around the flat). There was no way I would agree to marry him until we lived together.

We moved in together in August 2008. We talked in February 2009 about me feeling ready to get married. He asked me to marry him in March. For us, it was the right way to proceed. Maybe not exciting, but 'excitement' in an international relationship sometimes translates into stress (again, in my opinion), so I'm very happy with our choices.

 

[stephbolt]

Date: 7/16/2009 1:46:25 PM
Author: kittybean
I'm wondering what people think about living together before marriage but after engagement. This is what I did. We didn't decide to live together until several months after we got engaged. We already had set a wedding date and started our religious marriage preparation before we started discussing moving in together; it just made sense to us to do so for a variety of reasons.

My questions:

Black Jade and others who are in the not-living-together-before-marriage camp, are your opinion and your observations about living together the same if the couple has already gotten engaged?

Those in the green-light-to-living-together camp, do you think it's any different if the couple is already engaged versus if they are dating? Do you think a couple that's already engaged should maybe have lived together before taking that step?

FI and I also got engaged before living together, but we made the decison to live together before we got engaged. FI specifically said when he proposed that he didn't want me to feel like I was just a roommate. I never raised any concerns about that in the discussions about moving in together, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

Living together nearly four months now, I can definitely say it has strengthened our relationship. We've had to deal with a lot more conflict, and work together to resolve all the issues that arise from sharing a home. I certainly don't think our relationship is more likely to end in divorce because of how we've chosen to do things. Every couple needs to do what is best for them and their relationship in the long run, but I'm happy with our path.

 

[ice-queen]

Date: 7/16/2009 2:53:32 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 7/16/2009 2:11:13 PM
Author: ice-queen
I like the idea of coming back from the honeymoon and moving into our apt/house which will now be our home together- rather than just coming back to the same old place we''ve always shared. I want there to be a big physical difference to go along with the monumental commitment we have made.

YES! Exactly.

Lol, Laila619! I said the exact thing when I read YOUR post! I just feel it''s more special that way- there''s so much more to look forward to!