- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 56,270
Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved more
- Thread starter missy
- Start date
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2016
- Messages
- 12,160
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Ah, interesting topic Missy. I would choose to be the one who is loved more. I have actually been in the boat (previous relationship) of loving more than I was loved and it almost broke me. I don't know if love is ever really equal, people are shaped by experience so those who have experienced losing people may, on a subconscious level, prefer to be more loved because it is a safer place.
Ironically today while I was driving my son to school I thought of something my father told me when I was a teenager. He said "you will never be anyone until you are married". My logical mind knows that is not true but I believe it most certainly left an imprint because finding a spouse became a high priority for me in my early 20's. Maybe also on a subconscious level was finding someone who did love me more because it in my mind it provided more security. I had to be relatively sure of success of the marriage since my own personal worth was tied to it.
Ah, interesting topic Missy. I would choose to be the one who is loved more. I have actually been in the boat (previous relationship) of loving more than I was loved and it almost broke me. I don't know if love is ever really equal, people are shaped by experience so those who have experienced losing people may, on a subconscious level, prefer to be more loved because it is a safer place.
Ironically today while I was driving my son to school I thought of something my father told me when I was a teenager. He said "you will never be anyone until you are married". My logical mind knows that is not true but I believe it most certainly left an imprint because finding a spouse became a high priority for me in my early 20's. Maybe also on a subconscious level was finding someone who did love me more because it in my mind it provided more security. I had to be relatively sure of success of the marriage since my own personal worth was tied to it.
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2014
- Messages
- 4,258
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I would rather be loved more. It feels selfish to say it! In my relationship, we both try to always be the person who loves more. Always trying to make each other feel like they are loved more. I think it would be heartbreaking if that was never returned, and you put in effort that isn't paid back.
I would rather be loved more. It feels selfish to say it! In my relationship, we both try to always be the person who loves more. Always trying to make each other feel like they are loved more. I think it would be heartbreaking if that was never returned, and you put in effort that isn't paid back.
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2004
- Messages
- 6,633
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I think I would have previously said, be the person who loves more, because you never really know what is in the other person's head, while you yourself can experience the feeling of loving. but because of my last relationship where I was essentially emotionally abandoned, I wouldn't mind the security of knowing the person loved me. The ideal is where both people are actively engaged and loving each other, even if it can't be exactly the same for each of them at exactly the same time.
I guess I would also say if there was a big mismatch, either way, that would not be a satisfying relationship either.
I think I would have previously said, be the person who loves more, because you never really know what is in the other person's head, while you yourself can experience the feeling of loving. but because of my last relationship where I was essentially emotionally abandoned, I wouldn't mind the security of knowing the person loved me. The ideal is where both people are actively engaged and loving each other, even if it can't be exactly the same for each of them at exactly the same time.
I guess I would also say if there was a big mismatch, either way, that would not be a satisfying relationship either.
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2008
- Messages
- 28,054
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Thats a tough one...I was the over loved partner in my first marriage and frankly, I just dont need that much love and attention.
I think I'm more like a guy. So, if I love someone more and they dont love me back as much I feel like I'm good with that.
I know though, if I was in that situation, I may feel totally different.
Thats a tough one...I was the over loved partner in my first marriage and frankly, I just dont need that much love and attention.
I think I'm more like a guy. So, if I love someone more and they dont love me back as much I feel like I'm good with that.
I know though, if I was in that situation, I may feel totally different.
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2005
- Messages
- 17,747
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I was once told by someone I considered to be very smart 'it is not important who you love but rather who loves you'. Sounds self centered and selfish but when you think about it, it is true. You're lucky if you find someone that loves you that you can love back!
Love is like every other emotion - sometimes it's very strong, sometimes not. It is influenced by many outside forces so often out of our control. Sometimes we take it for granted and sometimes we can focus on nothing else. As with all things in life, balance is the key to a happy existence.
I was once told by someone I considered to be very smart 'it is not important who you love but rather who loves you'. Sounds self centered and selfish but when you think about it, it is true. You're lucky if you find someone that loves you that you can love back!
Love is like every other emotion - sometimes it's very strong, sometimes not. It is influenced by many outside forces so often out of our control. Sometimes we take it for granted and sometimes we can focus on nothing else. As with all things in life, balance is the key to a happy existence.
- Joined
- Dec 25, 2012
- Messages
- 3,493
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2006
- Messages
- 9,975
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I agree with most of what's written here.
I've been on both sides of the equation. Many a time, I was loved by the man I was in the relationship with and a few of them were very suffocating. Why? Because I was not in love with them. Actually, there's a big difference between "love" and "being in love". I loved them, but was not in love with them; and that eventually led to my leaving them - broken hearted. I was also madly in love with someone who was not in love with me; sure, he loved me but was not in love with me. That hurt as hell!
I consider myself passionate and affectionate; but at the same time not at all needy. When I'm in love, I'm intensely in love; like all the time, I can't stop thinking of him. It's extraordinary to find someone on the same wavelength as I am, and with whom I have an intellectual connection. For me, being in love and having someone who's also in love with you is such an AMAZING feeling; it's like nothing else or no-one else matters. That said, it is important to have other interests and other friends outside of your relationship. That makes you a more well rounded and interesting person and contributes to you/ them loving you more and is enriching to your relationship. Balance IS key.
MissGotRocks|1488325616|4134901 said:
I agree with most of what's written here.
I've been on both sides of the equation. Many a time, I was loved by the man I was in the relationship with and a few of them were very suffocating. Why? Because I was not in love with them. Actually, there's a big difference between "love" and "being in love". I loved them, but was not in love with them; and that eventually led to my leaving them - broken hearted. I was also madly in love with someone who was not in love with me; sure, he loved me but was not in love with me. That hurt as hell!
I consider myself passionate and affectionate; but at the same time not at all needy. When I'm in love, I'm intensely in love; like all the time, I can't stop thinking of him. It's extraordinary to find someone on the same wavelength as I am, and with whom I have an intellectual connection. For me, being in love and having someone who's also in love with you is such an AMAZING feeling; it's like nothing else or no-one else matters. That said, it is important to have other interests and other friends outside of your relationship. That makes you a more well rounded and interesting person and contributes to you/ them loving you more and is enriching to your relationship. Balance IS key.
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2006
- Messages
- 58,579
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
This is a very interesting and difficult question. I think when there is imbalance, one person is going to be a little unhappy. In one way, I would desire to love with all my heart, and for that not to be returned would be really sad. On the other hand, if the other person loved me more, it might feel like I was being smothered, and I'd feel guilty, too. So I am not sure I can answer the question!
I've been married so long that I think we are at a place of comfort and security and are relatively equal in our feelings. But as I have watched our youngest in two relationships during college, I can kind of think about this in a more concrete way. With her first boyfriend she poured her heart into the relationship, yet he really was not into it other than for entertainment. I could see it, but it had to come to a natural end with her having the broken heart. She did not date at all for over a year and really did not care to date for entertainment, because she had plenty of friends for that. My hope and prayer for her was to eventually meet someone who would really adore her (as we do from a parental perspective). Last fall she met someone at school and they were friends for several weeks and saw each other daily. They went to a few events as friends, so there was no pressure. But it eventually happened that there was mutual affection and interest, and they discussed before agreeing to date that they were both looking for a relationship with the end goal being marriage. This young man really does adore her and she feels the same. It has been beautiful to watch (from afar, and mostly from her telling me about it, although he has come to visit at our home twice so far). He is romantic and extremely encouraging and considerate. I just think our daughter learned a hard lesson to wait for the right person. I truly believe they'll be ones that make it til the end. But we shall see! He graduates this spring and she has another year.
This is a very interesting and difficult question. I think when there is imbalance, one person is going to be a little unhappy. In one way, I would desire to love with all my heart, and for that not to be returned would be really sad. On the other hand, if the other person loved me more, it might feel like I was being smothered, and I'd feel guilty, too. So I am not sure I can answer the question!
I've been married so long that I think we are at a place of comfort and security and are relatively equal in our feelings. But as I have watched our youngest in two relationships during college, I can kind of think about this in a more concrete way. With her first boyfriend she poured her heart into the relationship, yet he really was not into it other than for entertainment. I could see it, but it had to come to a natural end with her having the broken heart. She did not date at all for over a year and really did not care to date for entertainment, because she had plenty of friends for that. My hope and prayer for her was to eventually meet someone who would really adore her (as we do from a parental perspective). Last fall she met someone at school and they were friends for several weeks and saw each other daily. They went to a few events as friends, so there was no pressure. But it eventually happened that there was mutual affection and interest, and they discussed before agreeing to date that they were both looking for a relationship with the end goal being marriage. This young man really does adore her and she feels the same. It has been beautiful to watch (from afar, and mostly from her telling me about it, although he has come to visit at our home twice so far). He is romantic and extremely encouraging and considerate. I just think our daughter learned a hard lesson to wait for the right person. I truly believe they'll be ones that make it til the end. But we shall see! He graduates this spring and she has another year.
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2014
- Messages
- 19,999
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Not the best example, but my DH and I are very different in how we experience emotions. He's a very mellow person who doesn't usually feel strong emotions (positive or negative), and I tend to feel things very strongly. So in our relationship we definitely both love each other as much as we can, but our capacity to feel love strongly is different. I know he loves me as much as he can love someone, but the way he feels love is less intense than the way I do. It sometimes feels like I'm falling off a cliff without anyone to catch me, because I know I just have sooooo many more emotions than he does. For example, sometimes I look at him and say, "I love you so much it hurts", and I mean it--it really feels almost painful to my heart. He just doesn't feel things that way, so I know he doesnt quite understand it.
It's hard to explain, but I think being the one who is more in love is really hard (even in my case when it's not really "more" in love, it's just individual capacities for feelings).
Totally hear you on that. But coming from the person who often loves "too much", its a terrifying feeling to realize you love someone more than they love you.Elliot86|1488326170|4134907 said:
Not the best example, but my DH and I are very different in how we experience emotions. He's a very mellow person who doesn't usually feel strong emotions (positive or negative), and I tend to feel things very strongly. So in our relationship we definitely both love each other as much as we can, but our capacity to feel love strongly is different. I know he loves me as much as he can love someone, but the way he feels love is less intense than the way I do. It sometimes feels like I'm falling off a cliff without anyone to catch me, because I know I just have sooooo many more emotions than he does. For example, sometimes I look at him and say, "I love you so much it hurts", and I mean it--it really feels almost painful to my heart. He just doesn't feel things that way, so I know he doesnt quite understand it.
It's hard to explain, but I think being the one who is more in love is really hard (even in my case when it's not really "more" in love, it's just individual capacities for feelings).
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2006
- Messages
- 58,579
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I can relate to this in that I always desired outward affection and communication and my husband just is more reserved. Yet he does so much for me in many ways like helping around the house without being asked, wanting me to have nice jewelry, etc. There was a time I was unhappy that I couldn't change him to be exactly as I wanted, but eventually I accepted that he shows love differently that I do. I verbalize everything, and he just is not a talker when it comes to emotions. I have only read about the Love Languages book, but I think had it been around many years earlier, it might have helped me understand earlier!
lovedogs|1488340705|4135073 said:
I can relate to this in that I always desired outward affection and communication and my husband just is more reserved. Yet he does so much for me in many ways like helping around the house without being asked, wanting me to have nice jewelry, etc. There was a time I was unhappy that I couldn't change him to be exactly as I wanted, but eventually I accepted that he shows love differently that I do. I verbalize everything, and he just is not a talker when it comes to emotions. I have only read about the Love Languages book, but I think had it been around many years earlier, it might have helped me understand earlier!
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 56,270
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Thank you for your thoughtful replies. PSers have much wisdom. I still haven't answered my own poll because I keep changing my mind but your thoughts are helping me consolidate my own on this issue.
I am not even sure why this popped into my head yesterday afternoon but it did so I shared it and I am glad I did.
I thought (as the poll indicates here) the majority of people would choose to be loved more rather than vice versa and so far that is holding true at least for the PSers who answered.
First of all I don't think one is capable of being in a sharing and mutually loving lasting relationship if one first doesn't love and accept and is happy with who they are as a person. If that makes sense. But it always takes two to make a relationship work so if one isn't with a somewhat equally balanced caring partner the potential for success is much less.
I agree with those of you who said it is a balance and it must be mutual but I also think that it cannot be exactly equal though does that really matter? I mean how does one measure this anyway? I asked my dh and he said our breakdown is 51%/49%. And the more loving partner varies with the day.
Good answer right?
Stephanie, telephone, partgypsy, there is a great security in knowing you are greatly loved. A sort of well being and peace in a way that is very attractive.
Partgypsy, definitely. If there is a big mismatch either way it won't work. I was just curious which of the two options PSers would choose. But yes there must be more in common (i.e. both in love and loving each other) than not. IMO.
MissGotRocks and Phoenix, yes I agree. Balance is KEY. As with all life experiences balance and perspective.
Tyty, Elliot, Polished, lovedogs, you are wise women (as are all the women who replied here are) and I am leaning towards your vote about preferring to be the one who loves more. I am selfish that way too. I enjoy the feeling of being so in love with my partner and that makes me happy maybe even more than his adoration and love for me. Well almost. You need both of course but if it cannot be exactly equal this is where I am leaning. But I also want and need my partner to have that feeling of being so in love with me so I guess I am selfish both ways!
Elliot and Lovedogs, agree completely with you guys. Lovedogs yes, often couples show love towards each other differently and the capacity to verbalize their feelings are quite different. Doesn't mean of course that their emotions are any less strong for the other. I guess the trick is knowing your partner and reading them properly. Communication communication communication. I still believe this is the one most critical factor in a successful relationship. Cannot read your partner's mind. At least not all the time.
Kristie, I agree. It fluctuates doesn't it and when you are a good match perhaps you and your partner keep trading off on who is the one who loves more for that particular time period. I know for me my dh shows me his love every single day in so many ways by what he does for me. How well he takes care of me. And I am not as talented so I don't show my love the way he does but in different ways and he knows how much I love him and how in love with him I am.
Diamondseeker, I completely concur with what you have written. Peace, security, comfort and love and all about a balance. I can only imagine how stressful it is watching your children navigate the challenging aspects of young love as they are learning who they are and what they need from a relationship. Fortunately they have you and your dh as shining examples of a loving caring relationship.I wish your children all the best with this and I also know because they have the benefit of having you and your dh and all that you taught and showed them (and continue to teach and show them) that they will be successful in all their endeavors. And knowing they have you guys in their corner giving them unconditional love and support gives them the strength and security and peace I wish all children could have.
I think those of you who found their true loves in their twenties were incredibly fortunate because you knew who you were and what you needed and wanted from a partner at a relatively tender young age. I don't think I fully realized what I needed until I was in my early thirties. But then again I was a slow learner (except for academics and in school) re real life experiences when I was younger.
I think what works for one couple isn't universally successful for all couples. For my dh and me what works best is each of us putting the other first always. In that way we are sure that when it is most important the other's needs are put first. We are always looking out for each other's best interests no matter what and in that way we are selfless yet selfish when it is critical because we are putting the other person first. I know that sounds confusing but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond in such a thoughtful way and I truly appreciate your time and energy.
Thank you for your thoughtful replies. PSers have much wisdom. I still haven't answered my own poll because I keep changing my mind but your thoughts are helping me consolidate my own on this issue.
I am not even sure why this popped into my head yesterday afternoon but it did so I shared it and I am glad I did.I thought (as the poll indicates here) the majority of people would choose to be loved more rather than vice versa and so far that is holding true at least for the PSers who answered.
First of all I don't think one is capable of being in a sharing and mutually loving lasting relationship if one first doesn't love and accept and is happy with who they are as a person. If that makes sense. But it always takes two to make a relationship work so if one isn't with a somewhat equally balanced caring partner the potential for success is much less.
I agree with those of you who said it is a balance and it must be mutual but I also think that it cannot be exactly equal though does that really matter? I mean how does one measure this anyway? I asked my dh and he said our breakdown is 51%/49%. And the more loving partner varies with the day.
Good answer right? Stephanie, telephone, partgypsy, there is a great security in knowing you are greatly loved. A sort of well being and peace in a way that is very attractive.
Partgypsy, definitely. If there is a big mismatch either way it won't work. I was just curious which of the two options PSers would choose. But yes there must be more in common (i.e. both in love and loving each other) than not. IMO.
MissGotRocks and Phoenix, yes I agree. Balance is KEY. As with all life experiences balance and perspective.
Tyty, Elliot, Polished, lovedogs, you are wise women (as are all the women who replied here are) and I am leaning towards your vote about preferring to be the one who loves more. I am selfish that way too. I enjoy the feeling of being so in love with my partner and that makes me happy maybe even more than his adoration and love for me. Well almost. You need both of course but if it cannot be exactly equal this is where I am leaning. But I also want and need my partner to have that feeling of being so in love with me so I guess I am selfish both ways!
Elliot and Lovedogs, agree completely with you guys. Lovedogs yes, often couples show love towards each other differently and the capacity to verbalize their feelings are quite different. Doesn't mean of course that their emotions are any less strong for the other. I guess the trick is knowing your partner and reading them properly. Communication communication communication. I still believe this is the one most critical factor in a successful relationship. Cannot read your partner's mind. At least not all the time.
Kristie, I agree. It fluctuates doesn't it and when you are a good match perhaps you and your partner keep trading off on who is the one who loves more for that particular time period. I know for me my dh shows me his love every single day in so many ways by what he does for me. How well he takes care of me. And I am not as talented so I don't show my love the way he does but in different ways and he knows how much I love him and how in love with him I am.
Diamondseeker, I completely concur with what you have written. Peace, security, comfort and love and all about a balance. I can only imagine how stressful it is watching your children navigate the challenging aspects of young love as they are learning who they are and what they need from a relationship. Fortunately they have you and your dh as shining examples of a loving caring relationship.I wish your children all the best with this and I also know because they have the benefit of having you and your dh and all that you taught and showed them (and continue to teach and show them) that they will be successful in all their endeavors. And knowing they have you guys in their corner giving them unconditional love and support gives them the strength and security and peace I wish all children could have.
I think those of you who found their true loves in their twenties were incredibly fortunate because you knew who you were and what you needed and wanted from a partner at a relatively tender young age. I don't think I fully realized what I needed until I was in my early thirties. But then again I was a slow learner (except for academics and in school) re real life experiences when I was younger.
I think what works for one couple isn't universally successful for all couples. For my dh and me what works best is each of us putting the other first always. In that way we are sure that when it is most important the other's needs are put first. We are always looking out for each other's best interests no matter what and in that way we are selfless yet selfish when it is critical because we are putting the other person first. I know that sounds confusing but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond in such a thoughtful way and I truly appreciate your time and energy.
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2006
- Messages
- 9,975
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 56,270
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
But also a pretty great feeling to experience IMO. Life is an adventure and the feeling of being in love is the most wonderful adventure of all I think. Complete with the good and the bad that encompasses this experience. Nothing worthwhile is truly easy.
Phoenix|1488367027|4135136 said:
But also a pretty great feeling to experience IMO. Life is an adventure and the feeling of being in love is the most wonderful adventure of all I think. Complete with the good and the bad that encompasses this experience. Nothing worthwhile is truly easy.
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
This was the question posed in "Pygmalion"/"My Fair Lady" if I am not mistaken. At least it is what I remember reading. I remember thinking about it in high school. Now my main desire is to go find the form in which I read "My Fair Lady", because there was a lot more to it than "The Rain in Spain" as I now recall....
Deb
This was the question posed in "Pygmalion"/"My Fair Lady" if I am not mistaken. At least it is what I remember reading. I remember thinking about it in high school. Now my main desire is to go find the form in which I read "My Fair Lady", because there was a lot more to it than "The Rain in Spain" as I now recall....
Deb
- Joined
- Dec 18, 2007
- Messages
- 3,793
girlyglam
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2015
- Messages
- 285
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Such an interesting topic! I would rather be the one who is loved more. I feel selfish saying so, but there's not a doubt in my mind about it.
Similar to others, I've actually been in both situations before. Being loved more made me feel guilty that I did not share the same strength of feelings back. But loving more when it was so clearly uneven was so so painful and miserable. It's not something I care to experience again.
I remember reading once that in every relationship, there is someone who loves the other more than they are loved back. It was a silly book, but that really stayed with me. I still don't know if I agree with that or not though. Once upon a time, I definitely did. Now though, I'm in a healthy, loving relationship, and I think it's not quite so black and white. I agree with those who said it fluctuates, and I also agree that there is a lot to be said about the different ways we show and express love. I think it's entirely possible that there are relationships in which one person feels they are the one who loves more because they don't understand/recognize the way the other person shows/expresses love, and thus, doesn't recognize it as love to begin with. I've been reading the 5 Love Languages which speaks a lot about this, and it's been really interesting.
Such an interesting topic! I would rather be the one who is loved more. I feel selfish saying so, but there's not a doubt in my mind about it.
Similar to others, I've actually been in both situations before. Being loved more made me feel guilty that I did not share the same strength of feelings back. But loving more when it was so clearly uneven was so so painful and miserable. It's not something I care to experience again.
I remember reading once that in every relationship, there is someone who loves the other more than they are loved back. It was a silly book, but that really stayed with me. I still don't know if I agree with that or not though. Once upon a time, I definitely did. Now though, I'm in a healthy, loving relationship, and I think it's not quite so black and white. I agree with those who said it fluctuates, and I also agree that there is a lot to be said about the different ways we show and express love. I think it's entirely possible that there are relationships in which one person feels they are the one who loves more because they don't understand/recognize the way the other person shows/expresses love, and thus, doesn't recognize it as love to begin with. I've been reading the 5 Love Languages which speaks a lot about this, and it's been really interesting.
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2014
- Messages
- 9,763
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2007
- Messages
- 26,610
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2013
- Messages
- 2,385
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I didn't vote because both choices are equally unappealing.
I need to feel that my partner loves me as much as I love him; and that has to be a lot!
Individuals in a relationship may show their love with different actions, but the care, concern, love and respect for each other needs to be there.
Just wondering, are there levels of 'love'? Not talking about types of love, e.g, love for a grandparent, pet, country, jewellery.
Personally, I don't think love has various degrees. I think the word is sometimes used to describe strong emotional feelings such as respect, admiration, physical attraction, really enjoying another person's company, etc. Those things occur when love exists, but the presence of one or more doesn't indicate love.
My interpretation of the thread's question would be that the scenarios represent a case of love being experienced by only one of the individuals. So, being precise, my comment should be that 'I need to feel that my partner loves me and I love him.'
I reserve the right to change my mind.
I didn't vote because both choices are equally unappealing.
I need to feel that my partner loves me as much as I love him; and that has to be a lot!
Individuals in a relationship may show their love with different actions, but the care, concern, love and respect for each other needs to be there.
Just wondering, are there levels of 'love'? Not talking about types of love, e.g, love for a grandparent, pet, country, jewellery.
Personally, I don't think love has various degrees. I think the word is sometimes used to describe strong emotional feelings such as respect, admiration, physical attraction, really enjoying another person's company, etc. Those things occur when love exists, but the presence of one or more doesn't indicate love.
My interpretation of the thread's question would be that the scenarios represent a case of love being experienced by only one of the individuals. So, being precise, my comment should be that 'I need to feel that my partner loves me and I love him.'
I reserve the right to change my mind.
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 56,270
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Now I want to watch/read this movie/book again Deb because I don't remember that either. One good thing about a not so great memory (IMO) is that I can enjoy books and movies again and again.
Thanks for weighing in Callie.
Marcy, I'm with you.
December Fire, I think there are different degrees of love for sure. Just like there are different degrees of friendship. I don't think we love everyone the same and I think even in the best matched relationships there are differences in feelings and emotions. But of course, IMO, it is a given that in any successful relationship love is present to enough of a degree that the relationship thrives. Trust, respect, kindness, generosity, sexual attraction (for a romantic relationship) are a few of the necessary ingredients as well as love (which perhaps is a measure of all of these) and these are not in my mind absolutes but rather relative measures. I just don't think we can love everyone the same. However, maybe a successful part of any relationship is allowing yourself to believe things that may or may not be true. What is that saying..."true love is blind". I would add love does not (and cannot) have to be perfect to be good and true and satisfying.
I would further ask of those who have children (but I think this is too loaded a question and I don't expect replies) do you love all your children equally and I wonder if anyone here would admit no they don't. I don't have children so I cannot answer this question but my guess if we are being completely and brutally honest no one cannot love each child exactly the same.
But the end result is you love your child and have a good relationship with your child but there are things you love more about each child and love less about each child so nothing can be exactly equal. That is not to say you don't treat each child the same. Because I think you can love each child a bit differently and still show them equal treatment and care and concern. But as humans we are not perfect and only in a perfect world (IMO) can love be equal all the time.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
AGBF|1488384433|4135205 said:This was the question posed in "Pygmalion"/"My Fair Lady" if I am not mistaken. At least it is what I remember reading. I remember thinking about it in high school. Now my main desire is to go find the form in which I read "My Fair Lady", because there was a lot more to it than "The Rain in Spain" as I now recall....
Deb
Now I want to watch/read this movie/book again Deb because I don't remember that either. One good thing about a not so great memory (IMO) is that I can enjoy books and movies again and again.
Thanks for weighing in Callie.
Marcy, I'm with you.
December Fire, I think there are different degrees of love for sure. Just like there are different degrees of friendship. I don't think we love everyone the same and I think even in the best matched relationships there are differences in feelings and emotions. But of course, IMO, it is a given that in any successful relationship love is present to enough of a degree that the relationship thrives. Trust, respect, kindness, generosity, sexual attraction (for a romantic relationship) are a few of the necessary ingredients as well as love (which perhaps is a measure of all of these) and these are not in my mind absolutes but rather relative measures. I just don't think we can love everyone the same. However, maybe a successful part of any relationship is allowing yourself to believe things that may or may not be true. What is that saying..."true love is blind".
I would add love does not (and cannot) have to be perfect to be good and true and satisfying. I would further ask of those who have children (but I think this is too loaded a question and I don't expect replies) do you love all your children equally and I wonder if anyone here would admit no they don't. I don't have children so I cannot answer this question but my guess if we are being completely and brutally honest no one cannot love each child exactly the same.
But the end result is you love your child and have a good relationship with your child but there are things you love more about each child and love less about each child so nothing can be exactly equal. That is not to say you don't treat each child the same. Because I think you can love each child a bit differently and still show them equal treatment and care and concern. But as humans we are not perfect and only in a perfect world (IMO) can love be equal all the time.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Elizabeth35
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2011
- Messages
- 754
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Funny that you ask about loving children more.
My girlfriends just had this discussion recently-4 of us have kids and one does not. We are 60-ish and have 13 kids/stepkids from ages 19-31 years old. We have known each other 50+ years.
GF who has not been married or had kids somehow brought up the fact that " of course you don't have a favorite child and parents love all children equally".
Uncomfortable silence with those of use with kids exchanging glances.
"Well, of course we love them all, but...."
Her expression was priceless. Like we told her there was no Tooth Fairy.
We tried our best to explain that while we love all children equally--some are easier to be with and enjoy. Some have traits that are hard to live with.
Love them all--but yes, many parents have a favorite. But won't admit it-lol.
We love them all unequivocally but we have favorites.
This is from the standpoint of adult children. When they are small-some are easier and some are tougher. Love them, but the ones that are more temperamentally similar to yourself are easier to deal with.
Funny that you ask about loving children more.
My girlfriends just had this discussion recently-4 of us have kids and one does not. We are 60-ish and have 13 kids/stepkids from ages 19-31 years old. We have known each other 50+ years.
GF who has not been married or had kids somehow brought up the fact that " of course you don't have a favorite child and parents love all children equally".
Uncomfortable silence with those of use with kids exchanging glances.
"Well, of course we love them all, but...."
Her expression was priceless. Like we told her there was no Tooth Fairy.
We tried our best to explain that while we love all children equally--some are easier to be with and enjoy. Some have traits that are hard to live with.
Love them all--but yes, many parents have a favorite. But won't admit it-lol.
We love them all unequivocally but we have favorites.
This is from the standpoint of adult children. When they are small-some are easier and some are tougher. Love them, but the ones that are more temperamentally similar to yourself are easier to deal with.
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
When it comes to your children I think each bring their own love. I remember when I was expecting my second child I thought it wouldn't be possible to love him or her more than the first. I was wrong. The same thing happened with the third. I can admire one over the other when I see one achieve more, or display courage with something. I'm likely to laugh myself silly with one rather the other. I know I'll have deeper conversations with another over the others. But it makes no difference, one is definitely not loved more than the others.
Since you posted this missy, we've suddenly had a very abrupt reversal of a relationship in our family. My brother suffered a stroke and he’s in hospital. He’s an Australian novelist and poet. He’s been such a light in our family, made life happier, more interesting, fairer and nicer throughout all the years. It was never difficult to love him, he’s so special. He's helped me unravel and make sense of things on so many occasions.Now it seems like everything is reversed but what I’ve discovered is that he is still so loved. This devastating event hasn’t made any difference to that. He’s the noisiest patient on the ward, even if he’s not conveying a message with the same eloquence as he once did. He’s so polite and friendly to all the medical and kitchen staff. He’s getting loads of visitors (fellow writers) who have been nothing but incredibly kind. He was loved and respected before this event and he still absolutely is. One of his biggest sparring partners, who he frequently had heated disagreements and fallings out with was the first in to visit upon hearing the news. Love is all.
When it comes to your children I think each bring their own love. I remember when I was expecting my second child I thought it wouldn't be possible to love him or her more than the first. I was wrong. The same thing happened with the third. I can admire one over the other when I see one achieve more, or display courage with something. I'm likely to laugh myself silly with one rather the other. I know I'll have deeper conversations with another over the others. But it makes no difference, one is definitely not loved more than the others.
Since you posted this missy, we've suddenly had a very abrupt reversal of a relationship in our family. My brother suffered a stroke and he’s in hospital. He’s an Australian novelist and poet. He’s been such a light in our family, made life happier, more interesting, fairer and nicer throughout all the years. It was never difficult to love him, he’s so special. He's helped me unravel and make sense of things on so many occasions.Now it seems like everything is reversed but what I’ve discovered is that he is still so loved. This devastating event hasn’t made any difference to that. He’s the noisiest patient on the ward, even if he’s not conveying a message with the same eloquence as he once did. He’s so polite and friendly to all the medical and kitchen staff. He’s getting loads of visitors (fellow writers) who have been nothing but incredibly kind. He was loved and respected before this event and he still absolutely is. One of his biggest sparring partners, who he frequently had heated disagreements and fallings out with was the first in to visit upon hearing the news. Love is all.
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Messages
- 56,270
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
Thank you Elizabeth for sharing so honestly. LOL re the Tooth fairy. It's hard to believe some people reach a certain age still not facing reality but it can be a self preservation kind of thing I guess and to some extent most of us do that with certain issues.
Polished, I am sorry about your brother and hope he is on the mend and going to recover completely. What an amazing connection you share with him and how wonderful you have that with your brother. Sending him healing vibes and good thoughts. And (((hugs))) to you.
I completely agree with what you wrote regarding Love. Love *is* all and everything and without it nothing else matters as much. I am not speaking about romantic love but love in general.
Yesterday I was examining a patient and it was so sad. He told me he feels so isolated and he feels so alone. He is getting psychiatric help and is being monitored but it made me realize how many people might just feel this same way. Without love and without human contact and connections we are alone and what is life then? Our day to day existence is meaningless in many ways without that connection and that love. That is not to say we cannot lead fulfilled lives without a partner and mate but I don't think we can lead full lives without connections. Strong human connections are key for humans not to feel alone. Furbabies help but they alone are not enough IMO.
And it just occurred to me why I think I want to be the one who loves more (if we cannot be exactly equal that is) and that is because it is the more active role. Loving vs being loved. It makes me feel more connected and alive to be the one who loves intensely. If we are loved strongly that is great but loving strongly makes that connection more real and meaningful (for me). Now I understand why I was leaning towards being the one who loves my partner more. Of course it takes two for a successful loving relationship no doubt but if we cannot be equal in our love this is my choice and the reason why.
Thank you all for sharing on this mind provoking topic. I enjoyed so much reading your thoughts!
Elizabeth35|1488483877|4135645 said:
Thank you Elizabeth for sharing so honestly. LOL re the Tooth fairy. It's hard to believe some people reach a certain age still not facing reality but it can be a self preservation kind of thing I guess and to some extent most of us do that with certain issues.
Polished said:
Polished, I am sorry about your brother and hope he is on the mend and going to recover completely. What an amazing connection you share with him and how wonderful you have that with your brother. Sending him healing vibes and good thoughts. And (((hugs))) to you.
I completely agree with what you wrote regarding Love. Love *is* all and everything and without it nothing else matters as much. I am not speaking about romantic love but love in general.
Yesterday I was examining a patient and it was so sad. He told me he feels so isolated and he feels so alone. He is getting psychiatric help and is being monitored but it made me realize how many people might just feel this same way. Without love and without human contact and connections we are alone and what is life then? Our day to day existence is meaningless in many ways without that connection and that love. That is not to say we cannot lead fulfilled lives without a partner and mate but I don't think we can lead full lives without connections. Strong human connections are key for humans not to feel alone. Furbabies help but they alone are not enough IMO.
And it just occurred to me why I think I want to be the one who loves more (if we cannot be exactly equal that is) and that is because it is the more active role. Loving vs being loved. It makes me feel more connected and alive to be the one who loves intensely. If we are loved strongly that is great but loving strongly makes that connection more real and meaningful (for me). Now I understand why I was leaning towards being the one who loves my partner more. Of course it takes two for a successful loving relationship no doubt but if we cannot be equal in our love this is my choice and the reason why.
Thank you all for sharing on this mind provoking topic. I enjoyed so much reading your thoughts!
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2007
- Messages
- 3,160
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
I'm going with the minority here. I would rather love more. I don't think I could handle the guilt that I feel would come along with my spouse loving me more than I love them.
This is of course assuming I am indeed shown love and respect. If that's not the case, I'm out altogether.
I'm going with the minority here. I would rather love more. I don't think I could handle the guilt that I feel would come along with my spouse loving me more than I love them.
This is of course assuming I am indeed shown love and respect. If that's not the case, I'm out altogether.
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2012
- Messages
- 12,692
Re: Would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved m
What a timely question Missy. I was just talking to my GFs about this. For me, DEFINITELY, I want to be the one who is loved more. But to be clear, I see being "loved more" as being taken care of. That's me. That's how I feel and experience love. I'm not big on romance or big gestures or stuff like that. My DH takes care of me and the kids. He's the primary driver for the kids, cooks, takes care of the car, keeps the schedule for the family, deals with the bills, takes care of the house, which allows me to work a lot and have my time to exercise. That is how I feel "loved" more. Those things are definitely things I would rather not do.
I work a lot, and support the family that way. I am the homework person, vacation planning, house cleaning, mental and emotional support for the kids and tackling issues about us and the family. I am very supportive of him and very encouraging. I pay attention and try to be his friend. I take care of those things. That is how I love him and my family.
Maybe its a matter of different needs. Maybe he wouldn't feel like he loved me more. Nah... Who am I kidding. I haven't gotten him a V-day or b-day gift in years. I keep buying myself bling. Yah, I'm loved more. He can't afford anything with my buying habits.
What a timely question Missy. I was just talking to my GFs about this. For me, DEFINITELY, I want to be the one who is loved more. But to be clear, I see being "loved more" as being taken care of. That's me. That's how I feel and experience love. I'm not big on romance or big gestures or stuff like that. My DH takes care of me and the kids. He's the primary driver for the kids, cooks, takes care of the car, keeps the schedule for the family, deals with the bills, takes care of the house, which allows me to work a lot and have my time to exercise. That is how I feel "loved" more. Those things are definitely things I would rather not do.
I work a lot, and support the family that way. I am the homework person, vacation planning, house cleaning, mental and emotional support for the kids and tackling issues about us and the family. I am very supportive of him and very encouraging. I pay attention and try to be his friend. I take care of those things. That is how I love him and my family.
Maybe its a matter of different needs. Maybe he wouldn't feel like he loved me more. Nah... Who am I kidding. I haven't gotten him a V-day or b-day gift in years. I keep buying myself bling. Yah, I'm loved more. He can't afford anything with my buying habits.
Alybetter
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2017
- Messages
- 575
vc10um
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2009
- Messages
- 6,006
Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings
Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings - 04/14
300x240.png)