Would you give your teen ****?

[megumic]

I'm writing a paper about pornography and minors, mostly referring to teens/youth. Considering 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to internet **** before the age of 18, at the appropriate time and with the right conversation, would you offer your teen "nice" ****? By "nice" I mean consensual, respectful, loving, intimate (probably plot-driven) sexual encounters? It could be nudie magazines, internet pics, movies, etc.

Source: http://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/08/19/teens-and-****-10-stats-your-need-to-know/
**check out the link for more scary statistics about what our nation's minors are seeing on the internet**

 

[Circe]

Dear sweet jumping Jehosaphat, no. i am in favor of people exploring their preferences and predilections according to their own timeline, and for most people, hormones kick in well under the age of legality. So, I'll give them a library card and decrease my monitering of their internet usage as they get old enough to be aware that they shouldn't meet that nice man from the chatroom who offered them a kitten and some ice-cream.

I honestly have difficulty thinking of anything more creepy and likely to instill an Oedipal complex than some well-meaning parent offering up a copy of the **** they like to their offspring. Unless, you know, it's that NYT column about whether your should give your teen a vibrator (answer: again, no; just respect their privacy and give them enough of an allowance to purchase one themselves should they so desire).

 

[tyty333]

Totally agree with Circe. I have a 17 year old son and there would be no way I'd be giving him ****. Its not that I'd mind
if he looked at "nice" **** (he is a 17 year old male)...but he'll have to do it the old fashion way ...by finding his Dad's stash and
sneaking peeks .

 

[somethingshiny]

No. DH and I don't look at **** and certainly wouldn't encourage our children to.

JT is almost 5 and we have already had the basic birds and bees talk. Not to the extent of what goes where, but he has seen pencil drawings of male and female genitalia. He understands the basic difference and where the baby comes out. He has a respect for these areas and introducing **** at any age would void that respect, IMO.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

No! I am very much with Circe on this. They can find it on their own quite well and they don't need their parents giving it to them. Although, considering how most people consider mixing parents and sex in the same thought icky, it might work to delay things for a couple of months (or weeks).

I also believe in privacy, so if I happen to find my hypothetical child's stash or internet history, I would keep quiet, unless it was something really disturbing or illegal.

 

[swingirl]

Absolutely not!!! That is not something I want to encourage. Healthy sexuality is something I try to foster but my kids will not find condoms, whips, ****, vibrators in their Christmas stockings!!!

 

[Tuckins1]

Ummmm.... no. I think that finding out about pornography and seeking it out is a part of adolescence! I would have been mortified if my mom had handed me any sort of pornographic material and said "here, study up". I will discuss with my children what sex is and why it's best to do it in a loving and adult relationship, but who are we kidding? Kids will do what they want anyways, including looking for raunchy, disgusting, and intriguing ****.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I definitely would never initiate giving my kids ****. However, neither would I go out of my way to make sure they never got any or made them think it was something bad or evil. If I ever found their mags or their internet histories, I'd just ignore it unless I had genuine concerns that their safety was in danger (i.e. found evidence somehow they were arranging to meet with strangers etc).


Kids find this stuff easily enough, I don't think i need to help them, haha. I think it's enough just to give them the freedom and privacy to explore those things on their own. If they have questions or concerns, they can certainly ask me. Otherwise I'm happy to let them make their own journeys.

 

[megumic]

Okay, strictly speaking about older teens/youths who already understand the basics, see if you can hear (read) me out on this one.

Based on the source I posted, assuming the statistics are reasonably accurate:
83% of boys and 57% of girls have seen group sex on the internet
69% of boys and 55% of girls have seen **** showing same-sex intercourse
39% of boys and 23% of girls have seen acts of bondage
15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography
(Admittedly, the child **** numbers may be inflated -- if a 9 year old sees naked baby pics that may fall under the umbrella "child ****"....)

I guess my argument is that not all **** is created equally and I would prefer to introduce/provide "appropriate" and "nice" pornography (a conundrum, right?) rather than have them search for it on their own and experience pornography that is confusing and beyond what they can comprehend -- sheesh -- some of that stuff is confusing to me. Furthermore, I find a majority of **** to be disrespectful, abusive and condescending to women -- while I think it's perfectly acceptable to have these fantasies and act them out if both partners agree (or to watch it), I would prefer my teens understanding sex to be a consensual, mutual, loving, respectful relationship. I actually think teaching teens about **** and that much of what it depicts is not necessarily healthy behavior helps them learn to respect **** as fantasy and not reality.

I agree the kids can find it on their own just fine. My concern is about what they can comprehend about that **** and whether they're able to understand what is going on in that pornographic scene within their limited context and understanding of sex as a whole. I can see how providing **** might be seen as encouraging its use, but I can also see it as protecting my kid from having to look for it elsewhere and perhaps finding less appropriate ****, KWIM?

I dunno, I don't have kids yet. But while writing the paper, the more I thought about it, the more I think that if they're going to do it anyway, I'd rather do it my way than their way. As a voyeuristic society I don't think we can avoid it. DH and I talked about it over dinner (go ahead, gag if you want) and he agreed. He also said that men simply treat women as objects in most **** films and he wouldn't want any son of his thinking that that is an appropriate way to treat women, or any daughter of his thinking that it was okay for a man to treat her that way.

I'm ready for the onslaught...

 

[Circe]

Megumic, here's the thing, though: it's *impossible* to control people's sexual tastes. Think of all the parents out there who want their kids to be straight, who ... aren't. All the hetro **** in the world wouldn't change that (which, frankly, is one of the reasons why I find the results of that study sort of off-putting: any study that decides that same-sex **** ranks up there with bestiality or nonconsensual acts has already lost me).

I think the only way you can try to be sure that kids will grow up to be kind and loving partners is to talk to them, and teach them to analyze the things they come across so that if/when they run across, say, something that's awful and demeaning to women, they pull back from it of their own accord. Shoving Tristan Taormino at them won't do anything but make them think their parents are freaky. Frankly, for that matter, I think you'd be running the risk of CPS intervening: there's something distinctly creepy about a parent being that controlling, and you've gotta know that at least a few people out there would abuse the premise out of prurience.*

*In case I'm being too oblique here: it is a short, skip, and a jump from providing your kids with **** to try to "show them the way" to actual sexual abuse.

 

[Aoife]

I think that if they're going to do it anyway, I'd rather do it my way than their way

My children are adults and married at this point, so I speak from past experience, but: What on earth makes you think that you would be in control of any part of your child's sexuality? Really?

Unless you control every minute of every day, it's inevitable that children will be exposed to stuff that you aren't aware of. The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open, educate them, make sure they understand the ethics/morality/values that are important to you, supervise in an age-appropriate way, and keep your fingers crossed.

 

[davi_el_mejor]

Okay, strictly speaking about older teens/youths who already understand the basics, see if you can hear (read) me out on this one.

Based on the source I posted, assuming the statistics are reasonably accurate:
83% of boys and 57% of girls have seen group sex on the internet
69% of boys and 55% of girls have seen **** showing same-sex intercourse
39% of boys and 23% of girls have seen acts of bondage
15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography
(Admittedly, the child **** numbers may be inflated -- if a 9 year old sees naked baby pics that may fall under the umbrella "child ****"....)

I guess my argument is that not all **** is created equally and I would prefer to introduce/provide "appropriate" and "nice" pornography (a conundrum, right?) rather than have them search for it on their own and experience pornography that is confusing and beyond what they can comprehend -- sheesh -- some of that stuff is confusing to me. Furthermore, I find a majority of **** to be disrespectful, abusive and condescending to women -- while I think it's perfectly acceptable to have these fantasies and act them out if both partners agree (or to watch it), I would prefer my teens understanding sex to be a consensual, mutual, loving, respectful relationship. I actually think teaching teens about **** and that much of what it depicts is not necessarily healthy behavior helps them learn to respect **** as fantasy and not reality.

I agree the kids can find it on their own just fine. My concern is about what they can comprehend about that **** and whether they're able to understand what is going on in that pornographic scene within their limited context and understanding of sex as a whole. I can see how providing **** might be seen as encouraging its use, but I can also see it as protecting my kid from having to look for it elsewhere and perhaps finding less appropriate ****, KWIM?

I dunno, I don't have kids yet. But while writing the paper, the more I thought about it, the more I think that if they're going to do it anyway, I'd rather do it my way than their way. As a voyeuristic society I don't think we can avoid it. DH and I talked about it over dinner (go ahead, gag if you want) and he agreed. He also said that men simply treat women as objects in most **** films and he wouldn't want any son of his thinking that that is an appropriate way to treat women, or any daughter of his thinking that it was okay for a man to treat her that way.

I'm ready for the onslaught...

I think what needs to happen is an open line of communication between your "older" teens. Be nonjudgmental. There's nothing wrong with them liking bondage (light or heavy) as long as they know it must be consensual. There's no need to stifle who they are or what they like. Doing so may make them feel like it's something to be ashamed of and therefore may find inappropriate channels to experiment. I'm using bondage as an example, but fetishes run the gambit from feet worship to role playing etc.

If one goes searching for a partner(s) who share the same likes and interests in an open way, they're more likely to do it safely. Your respect for their individuality may be the key to them finding a partner who will too.

I probably didn't articulate that well, so I'll sum it up.

No, your **** is your ****. Let the kids find out what they like and discuss with them how to engage in whatever "vanilla" or non "vanilla" interests they may have.

 

[junebug17]

No. I've tried to be open and honest with my kids about sex, and I don't think giving them **** is a necessary component towards that goal. Frankly, I think my kids would be upset, uncomfortable and disturbed if I gave them ****.

 

[Prana]

Would I give my kid ****? No. But I know that my kid is going to find ****. So I might explain that most people don't have sex like pornstars, or like some other genre's of ****, and that porno may/may not make their sex-expectations better/worse than real life sex.

 

[suchende]

I am in my mid-20s, so I had access to internet **** as a teen. I'd seen group sex, bondage, same-gender sex, etc by my mid-teens. It was mostly out of curiosity and I doubt it did any damage.

I think there are a few things that my parents knew I was up to as a teen, but a healthy fear that I would get caught kept me in check. The illusion of parents not knowing might even be helpful.

 

[chemgirl]

Would I give my kid ****? No. But I know that my kid is going to find ****. So I might explain that most people don't have sex like pornstars, or like some other genre's of ****, and that porno may/may not make their sex-expectations better/worse than real life sex.

I totally agree. The idea of my dad handing me ****, even as an adult, is absolutely horrifying. I think it would win the award for most awkward moment in my life actually.

I'm not against ****, I just don't think its something a parent should give to their child.

If you have an open dialogue with them about sexual issues and teach them respect for others, they'll probably realize that most **** is very far from reality. They probably won't see a (non-consentual) dominating situation in **** and assume its ok because they saw it in ****...seriously, teenagers are more intelligent than we give them credit for.

ETA: I should have been quoting Junebug, sorry Prana.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Heh, I feel sort of bad for any parent who thinks that giving their kids "nice" **** will prevent them from finding all sorts of ludicrous things on their own. I think going through the whole "**** discovery" stage is a part normal, healthy, modern adolescence. And I would bet a lot of kids view things that are considered "alternative" out of curiosity and because exploring taboos is part of being a teenager. I don't think any amount of "nice" **** would deter most teens from exploring anyways.

And I agree with above posters, there is no way to control a person's sexuality. If my future children end up having unusual tastes or fetishes, ah well, as long as they aren't breaking any laws and putting themselves in danger. Different strokes and all that.

ETA: When I was a teen not so long ago, I didn't know a single person who thought **** was anything more than ridiculous fantasy. Even as a 14 year old, I was well aware that most of the stuff we saw and giggled over was overly contrived and borderline funny. I think by the time you are a teenager, your ideas about how women and men should be treated is probably fairly well formed already, and certainly more influenced by your friends, family, and real life interactions than by the clips of total naked strangers you manage to sneak from the internet.

And just because I wouldn't give them ****, doesn't mean we wouldn't talk about sex and what makes it safe and healthy for both partners. I wouldn't worry that my kids' ethics would be overly influenced by ****, lol. If my kids were that easily swayed, then I probably have bigger things to worry about!

 

[mrscushion]

Um, no. They'll discover it on their own, no doubt about that.

 

[megumic]

I think I may have been misunderstood.

I don't intend to control anything about my kids sexual tastes, sexual orientation, gender, etc.

Really, what I'm meaning to probe is that instead of kids searching for **** out of curiosity and finding the extremes (i.e. bondage, S&M, etc.) that may be confusing to a teen, I'd rather make available some "vanilla" stuff that they can comprehend.

MTG, you don't need to feel bad for me b/c I am certain nothing I do will prevent my kids from looking for ****. I'm simply suggesting that perhaps it will help them form a basis prior to doing that exploration for "all sorts of ludicrous things" -- a sort of pre-emption, not prevention.

A friend was talking about her two sons and how her tech computer guy was cleaning up the computer and found tons of **** links and sites. He printed off the search terms that the kids had been looking up and the mother, an ob-gyn who deals with sex everyday, was mortified at what the boys were searching for. I thought her reaction wasn't exactly calm, cool and collected, but I could see being mortified if my son had searched those terms (not PS appropriate...but use your imagination). So, yeah, that plus the paper resulted in this thread.

 

[lucyandroger]

I think I may have been misunderstood.

I don't intend to control anything about my kids sexual tastes, sexual orientation, gender, etc.

Really, what I'm meaning to probe is that instead of kids searching for **** out of curiosity and finding the extremes (i.e. bondage, S&M, etc.) that may be confusing to a teen, I'd rather make available some "vanilla" stuff that they can comprehend.

MTG, you don't need to feel bad for me b/c I am certain nothing I do will prevent my kids from looking for ****. I'm simply suggesting that perhaps it will help them form a basis prior to doing that exploration for "all sorts of ludicrous things" -- a sort of pre-emption, not prevention.

A friend was talking about her two sons and how her tech computer guy was cleaning up the computer and found tons of **** links and sites. He printed off the search terms that the kids had been looking up and the mother, an ob-gyn who deals with sex everyday, was mortified at what the boys were searching for. I thought her reaction wasn't exactly calm, cool and collected, but I could see being mortified if my son had searched those terms (not PS appropriate...but use your imagination). So, yeah, that plus the paper resulted in this thread.

But why would their having access to "vanilla ****" prevent them from still looking up all the terms your friend was shocked by? If they're curious about bondage and S&M or whatever, then they're still going to go looking for it. And even if they like the vanilla stuff you give them, they still might want more or different stuff.

I'm just trying to imagine this and I can't see it going well....how are you going to know what kind of vanilla stuff they'll like? Are you seriously going to ask them for a hair color preference or if they like big boobs, etc.? yuck!

 

[suchende]

This sounds like the start of a hilarious scene in a teen movie/Fockers sequel though.

 

[Circe]

I think I may have been misunderstood.

I don't intend to control anything about my kids sexual tastes, sexual orientation, gender, etc.

Really, what I'm meaning to probe is that instead of kids searching for **** out of curiosity and finding the extremes (i.e. bondage, S&M, etc.) that may be confusing to a teen, I'd rather make available some "vanilla" stuff that they can comprehend.

MTG, you don't need to feel bad for me b/c I am certain nothing I do will prevent my kids from looking for ****. I'm simply suggesting that perhaps it will help them form a basis prior to doing that exploration for "all sorts of ludicrous things" -- a sort of pre-emption, not prevention.

A friend was talking about her two sons and how her tech computer guy was cleaning up the computer and found tons of **** links and sites. He printed off the search terms that the kids had been looking up and the mother, an ob-gyn who deals with sex everyday, was mortified at what the boys were searching for. I thought her reaction wasn't exactly calm, cool and collected, but I could see being mortified if my son had searched those terms (not PS appropriate...but use your imagination). So, yeah, that plus the paper resulted in this thread.

But why would their having access to "vanilla ****" prevent them from still looking up all the terms your friend was shocked by? If they're curious about bondage and S&M or whatever, then they're still going to go looking for it. And even if they like the vanilla stuff you give them, they still might want more or different stuff.

I'm just trying to imagine this and I can't see it going well....how are you going to know what kind of vanilla stuff they'll like? Are you seriously going to ask them for a hair color preference or if they like big boobs, etc.? yuck!

Ditto to Lucy: an awareness of the "good" stuff won't act as a prophylactic against their looking for the "bad" stuff. If anything, it might make them more interested. Think, for a minute, about how most teens feel about their parents' tastes. My dad spent years trying to dress me in Burberry, and the practical result was that I became a Goth for my teen years. If my folks had tried giving me, like, "The Joy of Sex,' I would have run straight into the loving arms of polyamory.

And, once again, I would like to point out the potential for abuse inherent in this if it were ever to become a popular notion.

 

[somethingshiny]

What is vanilla to you may be wild and crazy to someone else too.

Also, I don't think EVERY person will look at ****. The first time I saw any **** I was a married woman. My family was very open about sex and I think my attitude towards sex is healthy. However, seeking out **** was never in my thoughts.


I'm gonna say what I've been thinking since I first opened this thread.


I think presenting to your minor child a naked person/persons (that is not a textbook type thing) is sexual abuse. I think anyone who considers showing pornography to their minor child should be smacked. Why in God's name would anyone think showing real people having sex is appropriate? Would you show your child a picture of you and your spouse getting it on? Why is it different to show them any other couple??

 

[Circe]

What is vanilla to you may be wild and crazy to someone else too.

Also, I don't think EVERY person will look at ****. The first time I saw any **** I was a married woman. My family was very open about sex and I think my attitude towards sex is healthy. However, seeking out **** was never in my thoughts.


I'm gonna say what I've been thinking since I first opened this thread.


I think presenting to your minor child a naked person/persons (that is not a textbook type thing) is sexual abuse. I think anyone who considers showing pornography to their minor child should be smacked. Why in God's name would anyone think showing real people having sex is appropriate? Would you show your child a picture of you and your spouse getting it on? Why is it different to show them any other couple??

B.I.N.G.O.

SomethingShiny, I think we're on opposite sides of the issue of **** qua ****, but I think getting any more involved in your minor child's sexual development than having "The Talk" with them (in all its permutations - bad touches, contraception, orientation, etc.) has the potential to be intrusive and abusive.

If they come to you wanting tips? Case-by-case basis (I mean, I wound up being the de facto sex counselor for all my friends, so I can totally picture eventual offspring coming to me with bizarro inquiries). But volunteering handy instructional videos or sampler packs from Babes in Toyland or whatever is plain old bad-idea-jeans.

 

[diamondringlover]

NO!!!!

 

[Aoife]

Deleted because I realized this whole topic was making me way too upset.

Short answer: No.

 

[lucyandroger]

What is vanilla to you may be wild and crazy to someone else too.

Also, I don't think EVERY person will look at ****. The first time I saw any **** I was a married woman. My family was very open about sex and I think my attitude towards sex is healthy. However, seeking out **** was never in my thoughts.


I'm gonna say what I've been thinking since I first opened this thread.


I think presenting to your minor child a naked person/persons (that is not a textbook type thing) is sexual abuse. I think anyone who considers showing pornography to their minor child should be smacked. Why in God's name would anyone think showing real people having sex is appropriate? Would you show your child a picture of you and your spouse getting it on? Why is it different to show them any other couple??

B.I.N.G.O.

SomethingShiny, I think we're on opposite sides of the issue of **** qua ****, but I think getting any more involved in your minor child's sexual development than having "The Talk" with them (in all its permutations - bad touches, contraception, orientation, etc.) has the potential to be intrusive and abusive.

If they come to you wanting tips? Case-by-case basis (I mean, I wound up being the de facto sex counselor for all my friends, so I can totally picture eventual offspring coming to me with bizarro inquiries). But volunteering handy instructional videos or sampler packs from Babes in Toyland or whatever is plain old bad-idea-jeans.

I have to agree.

megumic, If you're planning to preempt their searching for "bad ****," then you'd be showing your children explicit images before they even had a desire to search them out on their own.

 

[junebug17]

What is vanilla to you may be wild and crazy to someone else too.

Also, I don't think EVERY person will look at ****. The first time I saw any **** I was a married woman. My family was very open about sex and I think my attitude towards sex is healthy. However, seeking out **** was never in my thoughts.


I'm gonna say what I've been thinking since I first opened this thread.


I think presenting to your minor child a naked person/persons (that is not a textbook type thing) is sexual abuse. I think anyone who considers showing pornography to their minor child should be smacked. Why in God's name would anyone think showing real people having sex is appropriate? Would you show your child a picture of you and your spouse getting it on? Why is it different to show them any other couple??

I agree with you SS. I think it's completely inappropriate to give **** to minors. I honestly can't see how it could in any way be beneficial to the child. If anything, I think it could be very detrimental. The idea is just creepy and weird to me.

 

[february2003bride]

I'm a very open, come to me with any problem you have, kind of parent. But to answer this specific question- hell to the no.

 

[Sha]

No!!! To me, that's almost like saying, "here son/daughter, let me buy you a bag of weed (the weakest variety)'. You can smoke that, but stay away from anything else!" Why introduce a habit that's unnecessary at best and potentially damaging at worst in the long run? It's not my job as a parent to endorse and introduce **** to my child - whether it's the soft version or not. What if my teen is focused on sports/academics/hobbies and has only limited interest in ****? And even I introduced it to them gently, how do I know they'll stop at the 'soft or nice ****? What if they graduate from that into hard core **** use that distracts them from self development in other areas? No thanks. Of course, children will get their hands on it..but it isn't my job to give it to them. My job is to educate them about sexuality so that they can understand and make informed decisions about what's out there - good and bad.