would you expect me to pick up the dinner tab?

[Dancing Fire]

what''s the basic American rule?....

if i ask you and your SO to join my wife and i for dinner at a restaurant.

 

[JulieN]

of course. and you already knew it, too, DF!

 

[CJ2008]

Actually, no, not at all...

To me an invitation to go out to dinner is just an invitation to meet up...

ETA: after reading a couple of other posts, I realize I should have worded mine better...

Yes, it totally depends on how it's worded...if somebody says (or if I say): we'd like to INVITE you to dinner, then I'm assuming they're going to pay, or if I'm doing the inviting, I'm paying.

Like Elle said though, even if I thought they were paying I would ALWAYS reach for my wallet, in case I misunderstood.

 

[Lauren8211]

It depends on how it''s worded.

If they say "We''d love to take you to dinner" I''d assume that they were paying.

If they say "Hey, we should all get dinner together sometimes." I''d assume we''d pay for our own meals.

Regardless, I''d always go for the purse and offer to pay when they check comes, just in case I misinterpreted their wording.

 

[TooPatient]

I agree with the elle. Depends on how it was worded.

In general though, yes.

I have never seen people pay for their own meals. Usually, regardless of who invited or suggested, the men at the table all reach for a wallet when the check comes and then debate between themselves who gets to pay for the meal. The only time I haven''t seen this happen is for birthdays and other celebrations that were clearly an invitation TO dinner. In that case, the host pays the check and other people may or may not leave the tip. And once people are leaving, one or two of the other men present linger behind with the host and offer to pay.

I always thought it was funny to watch. Figured it was old fashioned.

 

[LadyBlue]

We have some couple friends and we get together for dinner quite often. Sometimes we call, sometimes they call and we just said, hey you guys want to get together for dinner?, and until today they had never paid for us and we had never paid for them.

But if I call them and said, we would like to invite you for dinner, then I will pay because is an invitation.

I would be scare if everytime I want to get together with my friends and I call to try to make plans for dinner I have to pay

. I will just not call them ever

.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 9/22/2009 8:39:28 AM
Author: elledizzy5
It depends on how it''s worded.

If they say ''We''d love to take you to dinner'' I''d assume that they were paying.

If they say ''Hey, we should all get dinner together sometimes.'' I''d assume we''d pay for our own meals.

Regardless, I''d always go for the purse and offer to pay when they check comes, just in case I misinterpreted their wording.

Agree...In our neck of the woods we all pay for our own dinners. We would never expect anyone else to pay.

 

[princessplease]

Elle said it exactly how I would play the situation out.

 

[janinegirly]

Split the bill between couples. Unless it''s family.

 

[Elmorton]

Yupp, where I live/age group it''s commonplace to ask for separate bills.

DF - you''re losing your touch, man. This one has been asked a few times!!

 

[elrohwen]

Absolutely not. I don't want anyone to pay for my dinner except maybe my own SO or my family. When we go out with friends, everybody splits the bill (sometimes based on what they ordered, or split evenly if it's easier).

ETA: The only time I know people to pay for others is if it's a special occasion (birthday, going away lunch, etc). Then everyone usually chips in to pay for the person they're having the meal for.

 

[Novel]

Date: 9/22/2009 9:32:40 AM
Author: elrohwen
Absolutely not. I don''t want anyone to pay for my dinner except maybe my own SO or my family. When we go out with friends, everybody splits the bill (sometimes based on what they ordered, or split evenly if it''s easier).


ETA: The only time I know people to pay for others is if it''s a special occasion (birthday, going away lunch, etc). Then everyone usually chips in to pay for the person they''re having the meal for.

Ditto. SO and I always pay as a group and then deal with that later, but the only time I let someone else pay for me is if its my birthday and I''m out with a group, if its my or SO''s parents, or if someone has been staying at my house for days and they take us out as a thank you.

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/22/2009 8:37:25 AM
Author: CJ2008
Actually, no, not at all...

To me an invitation to go out to dinner is just an invitation to meet up...

ETA: after reading a couple of other posts, I realize I should have worded mine better...

Yes, it totally depends on how it''s worded...if somebody says (or if I say): we''d like to INVITE you to dinner, then I''m assuming they''re going to pay, or if I''m doing the inviting, I''m paying.

Like Elle said though, even if I thought they were paying I would ALWAYS reach for my wallet, in case I misunderstood.

+1. Unless there is a special occassion, I assume we are just going out to dinner together. Either way, I would always pull my wallet out, just to let the other person know, I am not expecting anything.

 

[tlh]

Date: 9/22/2009 8:39:28 AM
Author: elledizzy5
It depends on how it''s worded.

If they say ''We''d love to take you to dinner'' I''d assume that they were paying.

If they say ''Hey, we should all get dinner together sometimes.'' I''d assume we''d pay for our own meals.

Regardless, I''d always go for the purse and offer to pay when they check comes, just in case I misinterpreted their wording.

DITTO, every word!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/22/2009 8:39:28 AM
Author: elledizzy5
It depends on how it''s worded.

If they say ''We''d love to take you to dinner'' I''d assume that they were paying.

If they say ''Hey, we should all get dinner together sometimes.'' I''d assume we''d pay for our own meals.

Regardless, I''d always go for the purse and offer to pay when they check comes, just in case I misinterpreted their wording.

Ditto!

 

[mayachel]

I would assume that we were splitting the cost. But maybe that''s because it''s nyc and the culture here is to eat out a lot? Seriously, we eat at home maybe 3-4 nights a week.

 

[cara]

There's no basic american rule on this, as you can see from the responses.

Ms. Manners commented on this once, when someone in their late 20s was complaining that his friends didn't BYOB and bring enough potluck food when he "hosted" a dinner with them, like they all had when they were younger. Instead they complained when he ran out of beer and didn't have enough food after he invited them over! (and he was annoyed that they didn't bring their own drink and dinner.)

Basically, she said its common for there to be different rules when people are 1)just entering into adult "hosting" roles and 2) so financially stretched that they can't afford to properly host an event and then wait for other people to reciprocate to "pay them back". His friends had all aged out of their younger mode of hosting and were expecting him to spring for the beer and burgers when he invited them to a backyard BBQ dinner, as this was now the standard for his group of friends.

This second one, I think, applies to shared dinners out at restaurants. With *some* of my husbands friends, many of whom are doctors and lawyers out of school and starting lucrative careers, it seems common that one or two people will pick up the tab for a group of people, and then later someone else will reciprocate. Others of his friends, with similar income, still expect bill splitting at restaurants, perhaps as a holdover or perhaps because its just hard to reciprocate evenly with all ones different friends. With my friends, grad students or just out-of-school in somewhat less lucrative careers, the standard is bill splitting and even that most nitpicky form of bill splitting where people just pay for what they ordered not a flat fraction of the bill. Of course, these friends would never say, "Oh, we'd like to take you out to dinner on X night to Y restaurant - are you free?" They would say something that made it more clear they were simply trying to coordinate the dinner not host, as many people have pointed out.

 

[kenny]

I am an American, in America but I really ignore customs and social "rules" when they seem to not work well or be odd.

I always specify whether I'm offering to pay, or want to go Dutch, when inviting - in the same breath!

I strongly dislike all this silent, wondering, afraid-to-ask thing.

If I am being invited (or whatever word is used) before accepting I will ask the person, "So I assume we are all going Dutch, right?"

While slightly awkward it is much less awkward than a surprise at the restaurant when the bill comes.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If I invite someone to dinner, I pay. So yes, you pay.

 

[AprilBaby]

Dinner with you, I expect you to pay!

Anyone else, we each pay our own.

 

[FrekeChild]

You pay. In more ways than one.

 

[Linda W]

Yes, you would always pay DF, ha ha ha.


Seriously though with out friends, if they are going to pay they say so when they invite us out.

 

[jewelerman]

elle and kenny are right!communication is key to who pays the bill...to say I invite you to dinner is a you pay situatiuon...getting together for dinner is a we all pay situation.

 

[that_someone_special]

Nope. If you had done it in the past and we knew you well and you always paid, sure, but with my friends we all pay ourselves

 

[Kaleigh]

If we invite friends to join us out for dinner, we pay. If they invite us out, they pay. That doesn''t mean that the hubbies won''t all jump to pick up the tab. Now that drives me nutso. It''s so silly.

 

[radiantquest]

I guess we are not the norm here. We never do the splitting at the restaurant. We hate that! We would rather pay the entire tab than sit there and figure out what everyone owes. Even if the tab is say $300 and there are 4 people we wont sit there and say ok everyone owes $75. Because then you always have the people that say well all I have is a $100 bill and 2 people only have cards and it just becomes an embarassing mess when all anybody wants to do is go home get in their jammies and lay down so the way it works with us is that usually we go out in couples and we will pay this time, another couple will pay the next time and it just goes around in a friendly manner. There is no obligation. Someone is always happy to pick up the tab since you know the next time someone will be doing it for you and there is none of that mess at the end of the dinner.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/22/2009 4:19:49 PM
Author: Kaleigh
If we invite friends to join us out for dinner, we pay. If they invite us out, they pay. That doesn''t mean that the hubbies won''t all jump to pick up the tab. Now that drives me nutso. It''s so silly.

That is what I am used to. It is silly.

And somehow the women at the table sit there. We are educated, work, and open our own doors but when the check comes it is the place of the men to make a big show of offering to pay (while everyone knows who is going to pay anyway).

Funny. Old fashioned I suppose. But I like it. There are no arguements and no tab keeping and no driving the waitress crazy with multiple cards.

 

[princesss]

I assume we''d split the check, unless it was specifically worded to let me know you were picking up the bill (e.g. "Let us take you out to dinner to celebrate you getting into grad school.").

 

[HollyS]

Most couples I know would each pay for their own; the exception being a specific invitation/occasion that lets one couple know in advance that the other couple is treating.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yes, if it was YOU DF, I would expect you to pick up the tab.

Always, though, when we go out with friends, each couple picks up their own tabs. Once we had friends go out to dinner with us and we knew they were broke (this was in our early 20s) and we paid for everything. Now that we're older, I wouldn't ask them out to eat because they're the type to still expect us to pay because that's how they are.