LiW Words I hate: Soon or Eventually.

[bubbly1126]

Hi! I''m new here. I have been with my boyfriend, Kyle, for going on 5 years in November. We are in our early 20''s and have lived together for 4 years. I am getting a little anxious and frustrated that I have not gotten my proposal yet. I have talked with my boyfriend about it before, not recently though because I don''t want him to feel as though I am pressuring him. After all, if he''s going to ask, I want it to be on his terms and because he really wants to. Anyway, he says he loves me with all his heart and wants to marry me but when I ask when I get responses like soon, eventually, or in due time. I can''t stand it because he''s constantly talking about our future together and when I''m his wife and about our future children.

And just recently he got a new job in Corrections and was telling me how his job will pay for him and his immediately family to go back to school. I nonchalantly said to him, oh but that doesn''t have anything to do with me, and he says well, you know, if you ever wanted to go back to school, you know, eventually. Implying that "eventually" we''d be married and they''d pay for me, too.

Ugh. I don''t know. Every time we do something special I think okay, maybe this is it and it never is. I seem to get my hopes up for nothing. Lately I''ve been so upset by it because so many of our friends are getting married and I''m not even engaged yet! And to top it off, I''ve been with my boyfriend way longer than they''ve been with their significant others! So it''s just frustrating!

Anyone have any ideas of why he keeps putting it off? Or any ideas on how I can not let this bother me so much??

Thanks!!

 

[SeeShell]

Gosh, Bubbly, I think that you could interchange our names and the story would be nearly the same. It''s always ''soon'', and the few times I get a solid landmark, that landmark passes by without any notice.

I wish I had some advice for you, but if I did, I wouldn''t feel this crappy myself.

*hugs* Know that you have a bunch of others going through the same thing right now.

 

[Junkenpo]

ugh, yes.... another example of "boy soon" versus "girl soon"....

*hugs*.... good luck!

 

[bee*]

I hate the word soon! I told my bf the difference between girl soon and boy soon and now he can''t stop laughing and every time I ask him anything he says soon with a real jokey smile

. Can you sit him down and talk to him about how you''re feeling and see how close he is to getting engaged. When I spoke to D last year he had no idea that I would have liked to get engaged but once we sat down and talked about it we agreed that we would be engaged by the end of this year and we''ve bought the ring now. It helps to have a date that you''re going to be engaged by, not least to calm your nerves!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I''m going to give you the usual PS advice in these cases. Sit that boy down, explain to him that marriage and children are important to you in the not too distant future (say, 1 year, or whatever but be concrete about it), tell him it makes you sad and uncomfortable when he is evasive, and have a frank talk about where you each see yourselves in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.... Many men (and many women!) are not ready to settle down in their early 20''s, but they truly LOVE the woman they are with. So, they end up stalling, making excuses, etc. because they can''t stand to lose the woman they love, but they also aren''t ready for marriage.

I''m not saying that''s the case with your guy! Just that you''d do well to find out before it drives you nuts and sours yours relationship.

We''ve had several discussions on here about cohabitation before engagement / marriage adn how SOMETIMES (not always of course) it''s based on a fundamental miscommunication. Guys think ''Wow! She pays half the rent, I love her company, regular snuggles, and someone to feed me / help me clean.'' And the girl thinks ''Wow! If he moved in with me, he must want to get married.'' WHEN this miscommunication exists, it statistically (with all the problems of statistics) seems to lead to higher divorce rates since guys end up getting married without being really committed to it.

The cure? TALK TO THE BOY. Frankly. Openly. Honestly. Make sure you have the same idea about what''s going on, and make sure he has a firm understanding of how important it is to your happiness to know TRUTHFULLY where he''s at and where you''re going.

Good luck!

 

[bubbly1126]

Thanks to those who have posted their best wishes!! It definitely helps to know that I''m not the only woman out there that is going through this! Thanks so much!

Bee* and Independent Gal, I actually have spoken with my boyfriend about marriage and whether or not it is something that he really wants with me. He assures me he wants to marry me but tends to feel that everything (finances, home, careers) has to be in perfect order before he proposes to me. While I understand his point, in a way I don''t agree because nothing will ever be perfect and NOTHING ever goes the way you plan. This talk was about 4 months ago and I haven''t brought it up since then. I don''t want to say "you have x amount of time to propose to me" because I don''t want to pressure him. I really want him to just want to do it himself and have it be on his terms. And also, I really want my proposal to be a surprise, so knowing about the time it would happen just wouldn''t do it for me. I know, I''m a picky one, aren''t I? Haha!

I guess the fact that we''ve been together so long and phrases like "when we''re married" or "our future children" is constantly used on a day to day basis, it just kind of makes you anxious and frustrated because you feel like it''s so close and yet so far away. You know what I mean?

I have never been one to possess patience... but it''s getting to the point where my lack of patience is just driving me nuts!!

 

[bubbly1126]

Oh, and as for living together before marriage, I feel it is HIGHLY necessary to live with that person beforehand. You truly get to know a person when you share a space with them on a day to day basis and I would highly recommend it BEFORE jumping into a marriage.

But I do see how people who live together before getting married could just feel comfortable and not really put a lot of thought into the actual marriage part and get married for the wrong reason. So I do see your point in that.

 

[anchor31]

I''m not going to jump into the cohabitation thing because it usually gets ugly (you already have your opinion and you''ve already acted on it, so there wouldn''t be any point anyway), but I''m going to give you advice I seem to be giving to pretty much every new LIW these days.

First, read Indy Gal''s advice again. Ok, you''ve already had the talk with the boyfriend, but it didn''t really get anywhere, right? What you can do at this point is take the talk one step further. Tell him what you want as far as engagement and marriage goes. If you''re thinking about engagement in 2008 and marriage in 2009 (for example), tell him, as plainly as that. Then, work on a compromise. Set the timeframes together. Get something precise (such as a year or a season), don''t let him get away with "somedays" and "maybes". He might need time to think about it, and that''s okay. Timeframes for a second talk can be good to get too.

I realize I may sound a little harsh, but of course I''m not saying you should badger him. Just sit down and tell him that after the conversation you''ve had a few months ago, you would like to know more about his intentions than just "eventually". What you would like is such and such, and you''d like to know if that works for him, or if you two can work on a compromise. If he talks about "ruining the surprise", tell him it''s important for you to be a part of those decisions; it''s a massive aspect of your life and you don''t want to just sit idly by and wait with your hand sagely folded on your lap. It''s not like a year timeframe is going to spoil any surprise anyway!

I''m in my early 20''s too (although my FI is a few years older), and I feel that after 5 years, cohabitation or not, he should know where he stands and where he''s going with you. Although he might have gotten a tiny bit comfortable with the situation or not feel the need to take this any further... In any case, I hope it works out for the two of you and you can find timeframes you are both happy with.

I hope that helps a little. That kind of advice certainly did help me almost two years ago (gee, have I really been here this long?!

).

Good luck!

PS: I''m starting to wonder if we shouldn''t start a "New LIWs read this first" kind of thread and put these pieces of advice on it...

 

[bubbly1126]

I agree with the idea for a list of things to read first for us newbies! Haha.

But I do agree with everything you just said. I guess I''m just scared to actually sit down and talk with him about a time frame because I don''t want him to feel like I''m forcing him into something. I know eventually we''ll be married. But that''s just it, eventually doesn''t cut it for me. I would like to know more about when it might happen or something. Just SOMETHING. Haha. I''ve just heard so many bad stories about women who have tried talking to their boyfriends about marriage and ending up pushing them away because they felt too pressured.

But I guess I''m not helping my situation by harboring my feelings on when we should be engaged, now am I? So I should just suck it up and talk with him about it and just be sure to make it known that I''m not pressuring him but would just like to have an idea. I guess that is my right... Right? lol.

Thanks so much for your advice! And someone should hop on that "things to read first" list! Haha.

Again, thanks so much!!

 

[anchor31]

Oh no, I certainly don''t mean to pressure him!

Sometimes I hesitate to tell my story, but I think it might help you since I was in your shoes asking the same questions almost two years ago (Oct. 05). Our situations are not exactly the same, but here goes.

I was 20, my then-BF was 23 and we had celebrate our 2nd anniversary a few months before, at which time we started to discuss the future. Marriage being a very fundamental value for me, it came up. It caught then-BF by surprise that it was so major for me; he would have been comfortable with doing what pretty much everyone around us does, which is live together a few years and wait until the late 20s to get married and have a family. That kind of situation and timeframe didn''t work for me. When I registered on PS, it was pretty much the "eventually" scenario for me too at that point. I wasn''t in a particular hurry; I was hoping for marriage in 2008, but I would have been ok with waiting until then for a proposal so I didn''t want to seem like I was pushing or pressuring, but the "eventually" talk was kind of driving me crazy (which I know you can understand...).

So I asked pretty much the same questions you did, and a fellow LIW gave me the advice I gave you: Tell him you''d like to know where he stands. So the next time the E-word came up, I asked him what his intentions were. I didn''t want to know exactly when, I just wanted to know what he had in mind. He told me he was giving himself until the end of 2006 to propose. It was even sooner than I''d expected!

It certainly doesn''t hurt to just ask what he has in mind. It gets you out of the dark, doesn''t pressure him and doesn''t ruin his plans... If he has nothing in mind, then of course some compromising is in order!

 

[bubbly1126]

I'm so glad it worked out for you and got your engagement sooner than you expected!

The last time I asked my boyfriend about the whole engagement thing all I could get out of him was eventually. I don't know if it's because he's turned off by the idea of it being "right now" or if it's because he truly just wants to throw me off and not have any idea. Which very well could be. But it's so frustrating. (As I am sure you know!)

This past weekend a friend of his fathers asked us if we were married, we both replied no. And so she follows it with, oh but you're getting married soon though, right? I've learned over the years to not reply and just have him reply so I could maybe kind of gauge where his "proposal thinking" is... so a couple seconds go by and he's still hesitating to answer. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to me he answers with "maybe" and then does this big obnoxious type winking thing to me. (Last summer his uncle asked the same thing and he replied with "we're working on it.")

Now, what am I supposed to think of that? I was kind of annoyed with the winking thing at the time because I felt like he was kind of making fun of the idea. (It was also that time of the month for me so my judgement and how I take thing was waayyyyy off! lol)

But yeah, I don't know. I'm going to try and talk with him this weekend about it and I'm not going to settle for eventually, soon, in due time or anything of the sort! I'm just not gonna have it!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out and offer advice! I am going nuts over here!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/7/2007 3:19:30 PM
Author: bubbly1126
I''m so glad it worked out for you and got your engagement sooner than you expected!

The last time I asked my boyfriend about the whole engagement thing all I could get out of him was eventually. I don''t know if it''s because he''s turned off by the idea of it being ''right now'' or if it''s because he truly just wants to throw me off and not have any idea. Which very well could be. But it''s so frustrating. (As I am sure you know!)

This past weekend a friend of his fathers asked us if we were married, we both replied no. And so she follows it with, oh but you''re getting married soon though, right? I''ve learned over the years to not reply and just have him reply so I could maybe kind of gauge where his ''proposal thinking'' is... so a couple seconds go by and he''s still hesitating to answer. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to me he answers with ''maybe'' and then does this big obnoxious type winking thing to me. (Last summer his uncle asked the same thing and he replied with ''we''re working on it.'')

Now, what am I supposed to think of that? I was kind of annoyed with the winking thing at the time because I felt like he was kind of making fun of the idea. (It was also that time of the month for me so my judgement and how I take thing was waayyyyy off! lol)

But yeah, I don''t know. I''m going to try and talk with him this weekend about it and I''m not going to settle for eventually, soon, in due time or anything of the sort! I''m just not gonna have it!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out and offer advice! I am going nuts over here!

Atta girl. And you know, if he asks you why you want to know so badly, you can just tell him what you''ve just told me: that with all the hints you''re getting from the talks with family members, you''re going crazy with not knowing anything, and a timeframe, even as vague as an entire year, would reassure you a great deal.

Good luck again!

 

[Patchee]

Welcome!

even if on these circumstances!

I would suggest when he talks about when "wife" (you) and I (him) kindly remind him that you are not his wife. If he can talk the talk then a ring should have already been on your finger.

But believe me on one thing - a corrections job is in no way going to put him and his immediate family through school. He will learn that in all good time though

He should be thinking about his family (that''s YOU) before his ALREADY family.

It just irks me when they do all that wifey talk when your not. Good luck!

 

[bubbly1126]

I know! That''s what is so frustrating! And the thing is, I do have a promise ring that I''ve had for several years and sometimes I wish I never got it because I think he has a tendency to think "she''s already got my promise of marriage, so a real engagement can wait a little longer."

I don''t know if this is how he really thinks but sometimes I think it really is. It''s annoying. lol.

Thanks so much for the advice and welcome!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Welcome, and listen to these wise women, their advice is priceless (and repeated often).

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

Been there...heard that....over and over and over and over

I FEEL FOR YOU! I''m in a similar boat. Not the same, but similar.

I CANT STAND the word soon...or eventually...or someday for that matter!

My family has started talking to us (my FF and I) about marriage a lot recently. my FF really wants a destination wedding, and always has. My family is jumping on his band wagon. They constantly are trying to talk me into a destination wedding! Up until recently they NEVER talked marriage with us because we both have older siblings whom are engaged...wouldnt want to take the spotlight from them.

But now that they are talking more about it....he is joining in. BUT only in regards to location.

If I bring up ring shopping, he says, yes we will. I will ask you to go, I dont want you to decide when we go shopping. But it doesnt seem like we will be going any time soon! He is open to talking about the whole destination thing....but not rings....WHY? this is when the "soon" comes into play!

I have even found out recently...that it isnt just Girl soon boy soon.....my sisters/mom think soon is like a YEAR...my SOON IS NEXT WEEK!

UGGG!

I feel for you...you MUST have a serious discussion about your expectations for when....timelines are key...unfortunately they can be hard to talk about! my FF and I got in an argument every time i mentioned it!

GOOD LUCK MY DEAR

 

[bubbly1126]

Yeah, now that you mention it, my boyfriend doesn''t seem too interested in the whole ring thing either. I nonchalantly asked him the other day if he knew what kind of ring I would like. He didn''t say no, but did say something along the lines of "enlighten me, darling." lol. So I told him... and he immediately changed the subject. What the?? Just seems like he wants to avoid it. Why? I don''t know. To throw me off? Because he''s already picked a ring? Because he just isn''t interested right now? WHO KNOWS?!?! lol.

BUT, he IS willing to talk about how the wedding will be and such. We actually had a discussion about it with his brothers girlfriend at a family function yesterday. She was joking around about inviting herself in our wedding and she was still going to come even if his brother and her weren''t together anymore. (They are young. 17 and 18.) But it was just funny because he was talking about who''d be in it, who wasn''t invited and how he wanted a somewhat small wedding with a huge reception. (We both share that idea! We want to party it up! haha) But yeah, I just don''t get it. He''ll talk about that but not rings. Ugh, men! lol.

Oh and I''m sure what he means by his "soon" is probably like a year or so. My soon is the same as yours! If only we could get them to think like us! Things would be SO much easier!

If he doesn''t ask me on my birthday (October), Our 5 Year Anniversary (November), Christmas or New Years... then I''m sure it will be at least a year.

So let''s hope for one of those!!

And I hope you get your proposal soon!! You might have already posted this but did he already get you a ring or anything?