why a bride''s family is supposed to pay for a wedding?

[Arkteia]

I hear it all the time, and only in the US. My friends who moved from Russia actually ran into it - the groom''s family just refused to cover their share of the wedding cost citing this old rule. I can not understand it at all. Someone told me that since the woman is no more bringing in any dowry, this is instead of a dowry. But first, the man is not necessarily taking her into his house, either, they often rent or buy it together.

Second - and that is what many people do not understand - in many cultures a dowry was something that was kept untouched and returned back to a woman in a case of divorce or separation (because divorces were everywhere, even in ancient cultures). If a woman had to return back to her parents'' home, her father or older brother would manage what used to be her dowry. It was not something she brought to her husband, it was her security property.

But many people here still tell me that a tradition is a tradition. I do not have daughters but I think it is unfair.

 

[jewelz617]

Is that still the rule? I thought both families were supposed to chip in. Hell, I paid for my own wedding!

 

[Arkteia]

I hear it right, left and center, especially from moms with several daughters. Can not even understand where it came from.

 

[radiantquest]

I have heard of the rule, but most people I know split the costs or the brides parents pay for the wedding and the grooms parents pay for one part like the DJ or something and the honeymoon.

It seems that a lot of people pay for their own weddings too.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

In my opinion, the decision to have a wedding and the specifications of that wedding are made by both the bride and the groom, therefore the bride and groom should pay for the wedding, not the bride''s parents. If either sets of parents want''s to contribute, then great, but it should not be expected or demanded. This is the 21st century, not the 15th.

 

[Prana]

I hate this old tradition!

My parents paid for half of my brother''s wedding. Unfortunately, they are paying for most of mine as well. My FI family has only offered to pay the cost of the rehearsal dinner. His excuse being that ''traditionally'', that is what the grooms parents do.

Such B.S. if you ask me! If I am blessed with children, I will expect to be prepared to pay for half if not all wedding costs, and have my kids chip in for certain things, just as I am doing.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 2/8/2010 11:56:00 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
In my opinion, the decision to have a wedding and the specifications of that wedding are made by both the bride and the groom, therefore the bride and groom should pay for the wedding, not the bride''s parents. If either sets of parents want''s to contribute, then great, but it should not be expected or demanded. This is the 21st century, not the 15th.

COMPLETE DITTO! We paid for our own wedding with contributions from each side. But we didn''t count on them paying and they paid what they wanted.

 

[kenny]

It is a relic of the past like the dowry.

Lots of people cherish the tradition.
Others think for themselves.

Neither is right or wrong; just do what makes you happy.

 

[Sha]

I think the rule is based on the fact that in the old days, most families were so eager to have their maiden daughters ''married off'' and settled into good families, that paying for the wedding was seen as their responsibility, or a kind of ''thank you'' to the groom''s family. ??? Reallly archaic, I know.

 

[swingirl]

When a young woman still lived with her parents and owned nothing her parents would pay for the wedding. The young man was expected to prepare a place for them to live. This is a tradition but not a rule. Today most families share costs and the brides and grooms are employed and can pay for all or some of their own wedding.

It's also a matter of who can afford what. If a family is well off it's only fair that they contribute since it is their offspring's wedding, son or daughter. People who "refuse" due to tradition are missing the point.

 

[upgrade]

Date: 2/8/2010 11:56:00 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
In my opinion, the decision to have a wedding and the specifications of that wedding are made by both the bride and the groom, therefore the bride and groom should pay for the wedding, not the bride''s parents. If either sets of parents want''s to contribute, then great, but it should not be expected or demanded. This is the 21st century, not the 15th.

Agreed. We paid for our own wedding with some smaller contributions from our parents (and the invitations came from us, not our parents). Those contributions were bonuses in our opinion- we were prepared to pay the whole bill ourselves. I can''t imagine asking my parents (or his!) to pay for our wedding- it just wouldn''t have been something I''d have been comfortable asking for, and if they had been paying I''d have gone with the absolute least expensive option on everything because I would feel guilty spending their money. I preferred paying for it ourselves as we felt free to make whatever choices we wanted.

We actually had some difficulties with my mil over the whole thing, as she handed me a guest list of 300 people she expected us to invite. That list included none of my family and none of our friends. We had to tell her that we would take the list into consideration but that we could only invite 180 (and we had to invite my family!) so it would have to be cut down drastically. She was p*ssed and kept saying she had to invite all these people because they had invited her to their children''s weddings. It took a lot of arguing to get her to understand that *she* wasn''t inviting anyone- we were. We actually had to say to her that the the venue we could afford had a cap of 180 and a certain price pp (we knew the owner so it was a great deal) so if she wanted more than that, the venue change would add an additional $20 pp, plus the cost of the extra people. If she could pay for that then we would be happy to include all her people, but we just flat out couldn''t afford the extra $10 000+ that it was going to cost to do it her way. She finally dropped it but she''s still bitter. It''s been 10 years and everytime she hears of a wedding she wasn''t invited to she tells me that she wasn''t invited because she didn''t invite the parents to my wedding.

 

[Dancing Fire]

in old Chinese tradition the groom side pays for everything.

lunch time!!

 

[honey22]

Date: 2/8/2010 11:56:00 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
In my opinion, the decision to have a wedding and the specifications of that wedding are made by both the bride and the groom, therefore the bride and groom should pay for the wedding, not the bride''s parents. If either sets of parents want''s to contribute, then great, but it should not be expected or demanded. This is the 21st century, not the 15th.

Ditto HH, if you want to get hitched, you should be 100% prepared to foot the entire bill!

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto to Sha''s post about the reason behind the "rule." The wedding was the last thing the bride''s parents had to pay for in her entire life, the rest was up to the new husband and his family. The husband''s family gained a daughter and the bride''s family lost theirs. So, the wedding was a great going away present as well as a last hurrah. The bride''s family was judged harshly about the wedding to see how much they loved their daughter and in essence, how much she was "worth."

I haven''t actually run into this in my entire life, though. I didn''t know there were still people who felt this way.

 

[trillionaire]

I think it''s still assumed, but anything is up for discussion these days. Most brides I know, they and their family pay most, and the groom''s side chips in. FI and I are paying for our wedding, and my parents are going to pay for our reception. We haven''t really approached his parents about any contributions, which would be nice. Even if they just paid for one thing, like photography, it would really help us out, but no worries. Honestly, I don''t think weddings used to be so exorbitantly expensive, so maybe it wasn''t such a big deal back then?

 

[yssie]

we're paying for half and our parents are very generously contributing equally for the other half. It's not fair to make one side shoulder more of the burden, unless it's for financially sound reasons (one side happens to have a lot more disposable income)...


ETA: compared to what the bridal industry wants us to spend, we're being positively miserly, thank goodness! The whole wedding business has exploded, and not in a good way

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 2/8/2010 8:06:50 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Ditto to Sha''s post about the reason behind the ''rule.'' The wedding was the last thing the bride''s parents had to pay for in her entire life, the rest was up to the new husband and his family. The husband''s family gained a daughter and the bride''s family lost theirs. So, the wedding was a great going away present as well as a last hurrah. The bride''s family was judged harshly about the wedding to see how much they loved their daughter and in essence, how much she was ''worth.''


I haven''t actually run into this in my entire life, though. I didn''t know there were still people who felt this way.

I sure hope there aren''t that many modern people who still hold the sentiment described in your 1st paragraph. Very unfortunate mentality to hold for women''s self-esteem and self-worth.

 

[junebug17]

Honestly, I thought this was still the rule! I was talking to my friend the other day and she mentioned having to pay for two weddings (she has two daughters). And Dh and I just kind of assume we''re obligated to pay for our daughter''s wedding. I can''t picture how you would approach the grooms family...do you wait and hope they offer to help out, or do you come out and ask them? I really think many people are still under the assumption that the bride''s family pays for the wedding.

Now, having said that, I remember that my mother paid for her guests, FI and I paid for ours...and I really can''t recall if mil paid for her guests. I don''t think she did, I think FI covered her guests.

 

[ringthings]

I plan on 25% by me, 25% by spouse, 25% by groom''s family, 25% by bride''s family.
We''ll see how that goes.

 

[JSM]

Some friends of mine had their parents pay for their wedding, but most took the costs on themselves. We had the wedding we could afford on our own, in cash (ie, we eloped).

Whatever families want to contribute is and should be up to them! I just hate that it''s expected at times. If we are blessed to have a daughter, I am sure we will do what we can, but I fully expect her to be an independent woman and have the wedding SHE can afford.

 

[So Excited]

Date: 2/8/2010 11:56:00 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
In my opinion, the decision to have a wedding and the specifications of that wedding are made by both the bride and the groom, therefore the bride and groom should pay for the wedding, not the bride''s parents. If either sets of parents want''s to contribute, then great, but it should not be expected or demanded. This is the 21st century, not the 15th.

Another Ditto Hudson...

 

[upgrade]

Date: 2/8/2010 10:03:15 PM
Author: jsm
Some friends of mine had their parents pay for their wedding, but most took the costs on themselves. We had the wedding we could afford on our own, in cash (ie, we eloped).

Whatever families want to contribute is and should be up to them! I just hate that it''s expected at times. If we are blessed to have a daughter, I am sure we will do what we can, but I fully expect her to be an independent woman and have the wedding SHE can afford.

Exactly. I know brides who have gone crazy overboard because Daddy''s footing the bill, so they go ahead and have it all! We did nothing more than we could afford to pay for- we were not going into debt for over a wedding- and what was given to us by parents was just a lovely, unneccessary but very much appreciated bonus.

 

[MagsyMay]

Date: 2/8/2010 9:59:03 PM
Author: ringthings


I plan on 25% by me, 25% by spouse, 25% by groom''s family, 25% by bride''s family.

We''ll see how that goes.

This is the most equal idea IMO. I wish we were doing that, however, FI''s family (i.e. Mom) is very poor, so this would never work!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m in the UK and it''s pretty normal here for the bride''s father to foot the bill - often the groom''s family will pay for the wine or something like that though.

ALL the weddings I have been to in the last few years were paid for by the bride''s parents - and most of us are in our late 20''s to mid 30''s.

My parents have 3 daughters and 1 son... my father opened a savings account to pay for his daughters weddings the week I was born.

We now have a daughter and DH is fully prepared to pay for her wedding in the future - heck he''s already gathering anecdotes for his speech and she''s only 9 months old! (In the UK only the bride''s father, the groom and the best man make speeches - the father of the bride speech is something very special for most girls).

IMO it''s up to individuals to do what suits them - my father felt it was his responsibility, and was not amused by my brother''s wife''s father not paying for her wedding despite having the means to do so (my father did not pay, my brother did, but he gave my brother a large gift to help offset the cost).

ETA: I did not go ''all out'' because my father was paying. In fact I paid for at least 30% of the costs and just never told my parents about them plus I DIY''d the flowers, the cake, the favours and nearly all the stationery thus saving a lot.

 

[vespergirl]

My parents are from a traditional Eastern European culture, and they paid in entirety for my first wedding, which cost around $30K. They had been saving for it since I was born. As Sha mentioned, the bride''s parents traditionally paid because the husband''s family would be assuming the expenses of the bride for the rest of her life, so that was supposed to be the final contribution to the couple from the bride''s family.

That marriage ended in divorce, however, and when I got married again, my husband (not his family - just him) paid for our second wedding in cash. However, we had a small destination wedding/honeymoon which only cost around 10K. Neither of us was interested in a big wedding the second time around, and I guess I''m more traditional in that I think it''s kind of tacky to have a huge party for a second wedding. I had already had a huge shower and received about $20K in cash and gifts from my first wedding, so I think it''s in bad form to invite all of those same people back to a second wedding which would include more cash and gifts.

 

[elle_chris]

Crasru- In Russia and other eastern european countries it is normal for the bride's family to pay. So I don't know whey your friend from Russia were surprised?

Granted, i do think it's a throwback tradition and shouldn't be expected.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 2/8/2010 11:56:00 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
In my opinion, the decision to have a wedding and the specifications of that wedding are made by both the bride and the groom, therefore the bride and groom should pay for the wedding, not the bride''s parents. If either sets of parents want''s to contribute, then great, but it should not be expected or demanded. This is the 21st century, not the 15th.

I agree 100%.

My mother is apparently still of the mindset that she and my father "should" be paying for my wedding .. it''s so not happening

 

[butterfly 17]

I wonder if this is why the bride gets a diamond ring? Also, I know in some cultures, the groom''s family gives the bride wedding jewelry as well.

Maybe the diamond ring from the groom''s side is an even exchange for the wedding costs from the bride''s side?

In my case, my parents and my husband and I paid for the costs of the wedding. My husband''s family didn''t help out.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Our math is turning out to be 25% bride, 25% groom, 35% my parents, and 15% his parents.

My parents, who are traditional Filipino, raised me with the idea that one day when I got married, I''d be paying for it. They took care of my education and made sure that I finished college and if I''m old enough to be married, then I''m old enough to pay the bill for it. Now, originally FI and I were planning a very very very small wedding which is what WE could afford. My mom realized how small it was going to be and SHE wanted to invite her friends so she decided that she''ll foot the bill for her guests. FI''s family is really small versus my mom''s 100+ invitees. FI and his mom''s portion will take care of some of the wedding expenses and the rehearsal dinner.

I have girlfriends who''s families paid for their wedding but in the long run, to each his own now a days.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Agree with HH and all of the others who say that in modern times, it''s usually the bride and groom footing the bill. It makes sense. For the most part bride and grooms have been living together and have been financially independent for many years before getting married. If the parents want to chip in, that''s great, but not expected.

I found that the whole engagement and wedding process was a great exercise for us in determining our financial priorities. Setting a budget for the ring and wedding, figuring out how much of our savings we were willing to part with in order to pay cash for both, assigning priorities for all of the other financial obligations that would come after the wedding (buying a house, starting a family), really helped us to get on the same page and work as part of a team. I feel like it brought us together as a couple.