Wedding Who did you tell about elopement?

[pjean]

The background: My FI and I are planning a wedding for October of 2009. He is a citizen, I am on a student visa. I will graduate (please Lord, I will graduate...) in December of this year, and it would be very useful for several reasons if we were married by then.

We''ve often discussed just going to city hall and getting married for the sake of the paperwork, particularly when I was really struggling with whether or not to finish my PhD (for a while "let''s get married this weekend" was code for "I had a bad day".

) I''m fine with the idea of getting the legalities straight and not having it affect our actual wedding, but I''m stuck on the problem of who I''d tell. Most importantly, I have no idea what we''d do about our parents.

My FI''s mother has explicitly said that she would be very upset not to be at our wedding. My FI says we just won''t tell her, but I am (perhaps irrationally) uncomfortable about that. On the one hand, we''re just doing it for the paperwork, so I can see why it doesn''t really count. On the other hand, it feels very dishonest not to tell her. Certainly she would be upset even if we told her after the formal wedding, so we would never be able to tell her.

Then there''s my parents. My mother would not be able to come, as she doesn''t have a passport and can''t afford the trip. I plan to pay her trip to the actual wedding, but I can''t do both that and a civil ceremony (see previous re: PhD

). My father will want to come, and frankly I''d rather he didn''t, especially if my mother does not. Again, my FI''s solution is just not to tell them, and again I''m uneasy with that idea without being able to express why.

Then there''s our friends. Non-local friends I''m sure won''t care particularly, but do we tell them? And local friends might be hurt if they weren''t invited to at least hoist a glass. This is particularly the case since most of my local friends will know that we''re married, as they are also graduate students, one of whom works in the lab that I will join. If I suddenly show up on the list of NIH funded postdocs (and there is a list), they''ll know. But how can I justify telling them and not our families? Or non-local friends we love? Aagggghhhh...

I''m overthinking this, which is why I now turn to the PS gurus. Who did you/would you tell?

 

[choro72]

Hello, I''m also on a student visa, and our wedding is in June next year. We are also considering taking care of the paperwork early for many reasons, most of which I''m sure are the same as yours.

Personally, I wouldn''t consider this as our "real" wedding, because to me the important part is exchanging the vows. My parents will not be interested in coming to it at all (and I won''t care), and will come to our "party" in June anyway. If we were to actually do this, I will tell my immediate family about it because I tell them everything. For all of my other relatives, I don''t see any reason to tell them. My parents will probably let them know if they talk to them, but they won''t think anything about it and just come next June.

For FI''s family, I don''t think FI will voluntarily tell them, because nothing good comes out of telling them anything (Long story). If they ask we won''t lie about it (and prepare to sit through hours of lecture...).

I dunno if this helps. I guess the difference between you and me is that I don''t make a big deal out of the paperwork, and our family considers the one we''re planning for next June to be our "real" wedding.

 

[blondebunny]

Im sure if you explain to your mother why you are getting this paperwork done now, and not later, she should understand, I mean after all she is your mother. Just tell her its just the paperwork for whatever reasons, but you arent technically making it your real wedding by any means..

As for FI parents, if it really means that much to his mother, tell her you are getting the papers for whatever reason, and if she wanted to attend and watch you get the papers that is fine.

For telling other people, its probably none of their business when you actually get your paperwork. Just tell them its none of their business and tell them to get excited for your real wedding whenever it is.. Goodluck!

 

[Babyblue033]

I would also love to do this, and frankly I would have no problem not telling our parents about it. As a matter of fact, I''d PREFER to keep this very private if my FI is ok with it. But I already have issues with our families and waiting to keep OUR lives as separate and private as possible so that might have something to do with it

But if we did this, it would be just with our close friends. I would probably tell my close coworkers even if they''re not necessarily invited, letting them know that they''ll be a ceremony later on which they''ll be part of.