Wedding Where will you spend holidays?

[SarahLovesJS]

So, once you''re married or if you''re already married how will you do holiday''s? This applies most if you live near family, but anyway. I am trying to figure this out since FI and I are both close with our family and have spent the past few Christmas''s apart. So obviously that won''t be the case after we get married. I am curious, how do you do it?

 

[mimzy]

staring contest. if it's a draw, we resort to a thumb war.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Haha! That won''t work for me..I always lose the thumb wars..maybe we could do rock, paper, scissors...he''s rather predictable when it comes to that.

 

[mimzy]

yep. it''s all about finding what works for you as a couple while secretly always working in your favor.

 

[buttercup80]

We have a similar situation - I think we might actually continue to spend holidays separately as they are kind of important to BOTH our moms. . .we''re putting off dealing with this until we have kids!

 

[basil]

With my parents! Fiance''s parents are immigrants so they don''t really celebrate the American holidays that much, so he''s pretty content to celebrate with my family. I kind of lucked out that way!

 

[Munchkin]

We have struggled with this BIGtime! We didn't spend any major holiday together until we were married. To add to the confusion, our respective families are near enough to us to expect us to see them, but far enough from each other (5+ hours) to make seeing both for a given holiday a near impossibility.
We have done the following: my side gets Christmas (his is ok with celebrating another weekend with us and with relatives the day of) his gets Thanksgiving (my does it another weekend with us and spends the day with other relatives) We alternate Easter. We see our own Moms on Mother's day.
So far, so good....although my mother is already claiming that she didn't know we would alternate Easter and that his family gets more days at Thanksgiving than mine do at Christmas, etc. She is definitely the Marie Barrone in our family.

We figure we'll have them come to us when we have kids.

 

[musey]

Date: 6/18/2008 8:32:13 PM
Author:SarahLovesJS
So, once you''re married or if you''re already married how will you do holiday''s? This applies most if you live near family, but anyway. I am trying to figure this out since FI and I are both close with our family and have spent the past few Christmas''s apart. So obviously that won''t be the case after we get married. I am curious, how do you do it?

I think it''s worse when you don''t live near family! If you''re nearby, you can just split time or combine.

And oh gosh... I have no idea. We''re going to take it as it comes, I think. We live in LA, FILs are in Seattle, and my parents are in central IL. So spending holidays with family always means a plane flight, and I honestly don''t have a desire to do plane flights for every holiday.

FI is an only child where I have two siblings, so IMO, FI''s family should always have dibs on the holiday of their choice.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 6/18/2008 9:31:57 PM
Author: musey

Date: 6/18/2008 8:32:13 PM

Author:SarahLovesJS

So, once you''re married or if you''re already married how will you do holiday''s? This applies most if you live near family, but anyway. I am trying to figure this out since FI and I are both close with our family and have spent the past few Christmas''s apart. So obviously that won''t be the case after we get married. I am curious, how do you do it?

I think it''s worse when you don''t live near family! If you''re nearby, you can just split time or combine.


And oh gosh... I have no idea. We''re going to take it as it comes, I think. We live in LA, FILs are in Seattle, and my parents are in central IL. So spending holidays with family always means a plane flight, and I honestly don''t have a desire to do plane flights for every holiday.


FI is an only child where I have two siblings, so IMO, FI''s family should always have dibs on the holiday of their choice.

You''re right Musey, I don''t know what I was thinking. I think I was thinking that if you''re already in a state different from both of your fams you have to travel anyway, but it''s still a choice of one fam over another. I am silly. But I understand what you''re saying about being an only child. I am an only child so for example for Thanksgiving..it consists of me, my Mom, my Dad, and my Grandma. If you take me away..well that''s kind of sad. One whole side of FI''s family gets together for Thanksgiving..so I think I might get dibs on that one.

 

[luckystar112]

Well, with my family in Maine and his in Virginia...it''s been REAL hard. We used to spend holidays apart. Now I''ve spent the last two Christmases with his family in Virginia. Next Christmas he''ll be coming to Maine with me for xmas for the first time in the 5 years we''ve been together. He''s scared to tell his dad.....oh well!

Can''t say I feel bad AT ALL. It was either that or we spend our first Christmas together married apart--cause it''s been so unfair so far and I have no plans on missing xmas with my family again this year.

Can you tell I''m bitter?

Anyway...the plan is to rotate. We''ll be in Virginia (again!) at the end of this summer, then xmas in maine...summer in Maine....xmas in virginia....summer in virginia...etc. No matter how we do it we will always miss a full year with our families.

Can''t wait to move to the east coast...it will be so much easier!! Hopefully.
I''d give anything for our parents to live in the same state...that''s a breeze. Xmas eve one place, xmas day the other...etc.

 

[violet02]

I got SO lucky!

I met my FI at work and we both live in California. He''s from Virginia (his parents live in Tappahanock). I''m not from there but my dad and stepmom moved to Richmond, VA about 12 years ago. So when we met we realized our parents live about 1 hr from each other. Last XMAS was so great! I had someone to fly back east with and we split our time between our two parents houses, we had a group dinner and both sets of parents visited the other''s houses.

I''ve always had to travel across the country for holidays, to Seattle and LA for other relatives etc. It was so great to meet someone in CA who''s family lives near mine in VA. It was fate!

 

[ladypirate]

We''re not engaged yet, but we spend holidays together. Our parents live about 8-9 hours (driving) apart and once we move at the end of the month, his parents will be equidistant between us and my parents. We spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other and alternate years (last year, we did Thanksgiving with his family but my parents came too, which was really fun!) I think this year, my family will probably come see us at Thanksgiving (my sisters already live up where we''re moving, so it''s easier for my parents to travel to see us rather than all of us going to see them) and then we''ll go to see his family at Christmas.

Luckily, both our families are really laid back, so it works for us. They''re just happy when they get to see us!

 

[Octavia]

My FI and I have already decided that we'll have to alternate the winter holidays. My parents are a fairly easy drive from where we live, but his family is a 10-hour overseas flight away. So, one year I'll get Christmas with my family and the next, he'll get his birthday and New Year with his family (Christmas really isn't celebrated where he's from, but the other days are of equal importance to him, and since so much travel is required, it's an all-or-nothing thing each year). Neither of us want to spend the holidays apart from one another, so our families will just have to get over not seeing us every single year. On the years we go to his family, I'll probably try to spend a weekend with my parents before we go, though.

Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday, but because of his job FI can't usually travel far on that particular weekend. This year, I threw a dinner party for our friends in the area, but other years I'll probably go to my parents or (hopefully) they'll come to us. It's negotiable. Luckily, I don't have to vie for the holiday with FI's family.

We don't really observe many other "traditional" holidays, so the biggie for us is Christmas/New Years week.

When I was little, we lived within a half-hour of both sets of grandparents and a couple of my aunts and uncles, so we often had dinner with one side of the family and dessert with the other, or hosted everyone at my house. I love to cook, so especially as I got older my favorite option was always hosting!

 

[bensbride]

We aren''t married yet, but last year we managed to figure something out. As our parents live just over a mile away from each other, distance wasn''t an issue. However, I''m a nurse and work an 8 hour night shift either the night before or the night of each holiday...so that''s tricky. Thanksgiving, we ate two meals....which probably isn''t healthy. I think we went to his parents'' first and mine in the evening. Sad thing about that was that I used to always help my mom prepare the meal, and I was at my FI''s parents while she was cooking. Christmas, we opened presents at my parents'' house around 1pm and his parents'' house around 5 or 6 pm. We went to church on Christmas Eve apart with our respective families. It worked, but we are both oldest children (well, the oldest that attend...my sisters live on the east coast) and we are still able to have our families work around what is best for the two of us. That could change when younger sibs start getting married and children arrive.

 

[Pandora II]

Alternate years.

It''s a nightmare as his parents are divorced and live 2 hours from each other, my parents are 4 hours drive from them and we live 3 hours from his and 1.5 hours from mine.

When it''s his family - xmas eve and morning with his dad, xmas day lunch and evening and boxing day with his mum. Then see my parents for 2 days afterwards.

If it''s mine - xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day with mine and then go home!

We''re both one of 4 so it''s easier as parents aren''t on their own. His dad is the only one who whinges. It''s going to be a nightmare when we have kids as he will want us to go up there every month. Tough, we will go 2 or 3 times a year max and probably do our own xmas.

I would NEVER do any holiday separately from FI, he always comes first.

 

[aprilcait]

Our families are pretty close to one another (mine is in MD and his is in Northern VA). As a result, we made a solid rule not to do two families in one day for holidays... it''s just too much stress and traveling. Christmas Eve is a big celebration for both of our families, as are Thanksgiving and Easter. So we do an "every other year" thing for those holidays (i.e.: the year that we do his family for Thanksgiving, we do my family for Christmas Eve, then do his family for Easter). Oh, and whomever gets Christmas Eve, the other person gets Christmas day.

Now, there are some holidays that are big deals for his family but not for mine so that works out well. For example, his family does a New Years Eve thing. So we spend New Years Eve with his family. My family does a Labor Day thing, so we do that.

I think the rule we made not to spend holidays traveling the beltway was a good one (for us). We made sure to inform our families of that rule too just so there would be no incorrect assumptions or unmet expectations.

 

[diamondfan]

When we lived in the same city we thought we would divide up the important ones. Hubby''s family would get all the Jewish holidays since my mom and step dad do not celebrate them. They also were to get Father''s day since my dad had passed away, but my father in law died 4 years after our wedding so it was a non issue after that.

Thanksgiving and Mother''s day were the only things of concern, and my MIL was a jerk about it, even if we had spent the year prior with her, she got all pouty about it. Now we live in the east coast so we do not deal with it at all.

 

[lliang_chi]

FI''s family is teeny tiny and mine is ginormous and FILs & my folks live 3 hrs away. His sister & her husband alternative Thanksgiving & Christmas (e.g. she gets Turkey day one year and Christmas the next). So I think the holidays that Susan gets to visit FILs, we''ll go there, and the others we''ll have FILs come to my family''s ginormous get togethers. Of course I haven''t discussed this with FI yet...

 

[julesbeth]

Ugh! This is a hard one. My FI and I have been together since high school and we always are seperated on holidays - his family is divorced and large, mine are together and small. I think our parents just assumed we were ok with this arrangement but after 8 years I really want to be TOGETHER on special holidays! Both our families are in MI and we are in Chicago, for thanksgiving we do our own thing and stay in Chicago and cook together and take it easy (resting up for the craziness that is our christmas in MI). Now we are alternating christmas, last year my parents went to Seattle to visit my brother so it meant we could stay the whole day with his mom and stepdad. This christmas, our first as a married couple, we will be with my parents all day! We always spend christmas eve with his dad and grandma, and we will have to celebrate with his mom and stepdad before or the day after.

I don''t think his mom is crazy about this arrangement, but its really the only fair way to do it.

 

[anchor31]

It''s a nightmare for us. We fight about it every year. We try to alternate years, but it''s difficult because his family is so... difficult. It think we''ll probably stop doing the aunts/uncles visits thing because it''s getting ridiculous and I hate long drives.

 

[zoebartlett]

We live about 45 minutes from my FI''s parents and about 20-25 minutes from my parents.

My FI is from a large family, and their major holiday is Christmas (well, Christmas Eve). Everyone gets together at my FI''s parents'' house, including his siblings and their children (most of whom are grown). So we go over there for Christmas Eve and then we spend Christmas Day with my parents. We may occasionally visit my sister and her husband instead, but they live across the country (so we don''t do this often).

I had dreamed of both my family and my FI''s family celebrating the holidays together, but I''ve now come to terms that knowing that it will most likely never happen.

Thanksgiving isn''t such a major holiday with my family or my FI''s family. We usually decide the week before which house we''ll go to.

 

[LadyJ77]

we spend it mostly with my family since my family is closeby

 

[Krissie]

Oh, I think we''ll trade continents every other year. We spent Christmas with his parents in England last year; this year will be with my parents in Indiana; and next year we''re having both sets here in DC. I would imagine we''ll repeat that cycle after that, although truth told, I would love to spend every Christmas with his family in England - his mum is a terrific cook, the family believes in doing nothing except lounging around and watching bad telly, and then we can take the train to London for the after Christmas sales

 

[Fleur]

OMG! I HATE this situation and it makes me miserable every year. I love Christmas. I have 50+ boxes of Christmas decorations in my attic. I decorate at least 3 trees. You get the picture. Since I graduated from college 25 years ago, I''ve been able to spend a total of 2 Christmases in my own home. My mother is...difficult. When I was married the first time, I invited my parents and his parents for our first Thanksgiving. It suddenly dawned on my mother while sitting at the Thanksgiving table that Christmas was coming up and she had an embarrassing (for me!) outburst in which she pointed an accusing finger at my future MIL shrieking in an agitated manner: she has two sons, I only have you. If you don''t spend every holiday with me, I''ll be alone! I''ll be alone! Can we say: AWKWARD!! It was horrible. I felt so bad for my father--apparently, he didn''t even count since without my presence, she''d be "alone." I''m a weeney and I''ve given in every year and gone home. Since my dad passed away 15 years ago, I''ve felt tremendous guilt that if I don''t go home, she really will be "alone."

As you can imagine, she''s not someone that gets invited out often because of her charming personality so it''s not like I can "take a year off" because she''s been invited to spend the holidays with friends or other family.

Since I"ve been with current FI (6 years) we''ve spent several holidays apart because I have gone home to see my mom and he''s gone to see his parents. Twice I''ve had her stay with us during the holidays. The stress this has created was nearly unbearable and I''m usually physically ill by the time I get her back to her house. She''s a very difficult person and my FI and I experience a lot of stress when she''s here. He doesn''t want her to come back--not because he doesn''t like her per se, but he hates how stressed and exhausted I am when she''s here.


We haven''t even discussed how we''ll deal with "married" Christmas. This year will be our last "un-married" Chirstmas. I can bet every cent I have that the change in status will be lost on my mother.

Oh just thinking about it is making me miserable!!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is nice to try to get everyone in one place but it can be ambitious and frustrating in reality. My mom hates my mother in law so it was simply NOT going to happen even though we lived minutes from each other for a few years. I LOVE Thanksgiving and really wish I had more family here, it is so tough.

 

[Gypsy]

We have some difficulty with this even after so many years.

Thanksgiving is John's favorite holiday and the one he much prefers to spend with his family as they really do a lovely relaxing fun holiday of it.

Unfortunately my family doesn't celebrate Christmas or any winter holiday all together so they only celebrate Thanksgiving as a family. It's not fun or relaxing though, so that takes away from the enjoyment of it.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, and frankly I prefer to spend it at my own home. So... we have a bit of a quandry.

I've suggested every other year with his for Thanksgiving, then the years we aren't back east for Thanksgiving to go for Christmas... but last year's Christmas back east really soured John on spending that holiday out there.

Generally? I'm not sure. This year, we are bickering a bit. Because of the wedding, I don't want to go anywhere for either holiday. We'll see his family out here, and that's fine with me. But... I think he really wants to go out there for Thanksgiving. I just don't want to travel, period. But I most likely will, as its important to him.

 

[swimmer]

Our situation is more driven by airline prices than family situations. My family is too far away to just nip over, and his is an hour away, so when we get time, xmass vacay, we go to my fam, but for High Holy days, its got to be his folks. We are however thinking of moving from New England to the South...and are not sure how to tell people that.

 

[gwendolyn]

It will depend greatly what country we''re living in. I''m guessing we''ll see one of our families a lot more than the others since we won''t be rolling in dough to be able to split our time evenly. International relationships are so fun that way.

 

[Shoopy]

We are not married yet but we have lived together for the past 2 years.

We have been together for six years. For the first three years of our relationship, I went home (from Miami to Orlando, about 4 hours away) to my family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I would come back on New Year''s and party with my boyfriend (New Year''s isn''t really an emotional holiday for me...it''s a get down and boogie holiday). After our third year of doing this, he came to me around Halloween and said he didn''t want to spend holidays away from me anymore, each year gets harder and harder to split. So we started splitting the holidays with family. I don''t remember the routine...all I know is this year is my turn to stay with his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are lucky in that my family can easily come here and stay with us to still share the holidays (they did that the first year we started doing holidays together).

It was hard at first but what we explained to our families is that he and I are a family now. We will do our best to see both families during important times but we''re going to put each other first before we think about accomodating anyone else. Our families understood. Anyway, as mentioned I''ll be with his family for Thanksgiving and if I can''t convince his mom to go to Orlando for Christmas so that we can go to Disney, then I will be here as well.