Where is your hula hoop?

[TravelingGal]

Interesting topic Tacori.

I'm a big believer in only being able to change myself, or my reactions to other people. However, that doesn't stop me from telling someone that what they've said or done is not to my liking. I don't let it get to me, but I don't let them get away with it.

With TGuy, I know I can't control him, but I still will make every effort to let him know how I feel, and want to know how he feels in the hopes that we can spin our hoops better together. The bottom line is that his behavior DOES affect me, and while I can't change him, I know we can both strive for improvement.

Sometimes he needs to see the error of his ways.

 

[natalina]

Love this thread, Tacori!

When I was working, I used to try to control everyone and everything- both at work and at home. Boy, it was frustrating and exhausting!

A crazy thing has happened since we had our daughter and I made the change to be a SAHM. Introducing a baby into my ultra-organized and planned out (or so I thought at the time) life has taught me so much. First of all, things that I thought mattered really don't. House isn't perfect 24-7? Big deal. Wearing the same flip flops for the thirteenth day in a row? Heck, I'm just impressed I showered today. DH keeps foretting to put the dog bowls back in the bin after feeding them? At least he fed them! Family coming for dinner and we are using PAPER (gasp) plates?!?!?! Heck- it's a BBQ- LET IT GO already!

I have learned that I'm so much happier to just take things down a notch and enjoy the people around me. Don't get me wrong, we're not slobs or anything, and to be honest my family still thinks I am over-the-top about the house and entertaining, etc. But I have changed a lot, and i can feel the difference. In a great way. One thing that's funny is, I have noticed that people still assume I am overly-controlling/high-strung/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, even when my behavior has changed. If DH/my mom/etc asks me how I want something done, where to go to dinner, what Ellie should wear, etc and I say I don't care he/she thinks I'm being passive aggressive when the truth is I really DON'T CARE. I've decided that the world will not quit spinning if we get a red patio umbrella or a green. Whatever- if you have a preference, just choose. The other day DH put Ellie in tye-dye head to toe- different patterns and crazy colors for the pants and top. There was a time when I would have never let her out like that. Now I just thought it was hilarious (and he dressed the baby!). It's all good to me. As long as we are all healthy and happy and the baby goes to bed clean and with a full tummy, I'm good. Really. I actually can't wait for DH and others to realize that I am serious and that this is a permanent change!

When I think back to how I used to worry and try so hard to control/fix situations that really didn't have a whole lot to do with me, or didn't really matter on the grand scheme of things, I think it's sad that I wasted so much time and energy. But I guess I can just focus on what happens from here on out, because you can't get back yesterday, right? It also seems to me now that I was focusing on others to avoid really analyzing myself in some ways. And I think having our baby made me realize that I have to be the best ME I can be, for her and for myself. And to waste time trying to "fix"/control others who may not even want or need my help is taking time away from getting to where I want and need to be within myself. Hmmm...is this starting to sound like babble? I'm not sure I'm clearly articulating what I want to say. I think it's because I am still in the middle of it myself.

But I will say, I am happy to have realized I am in my hula hoop alone, and that what's inside that hula hoop still has plenty to keep me busy!!! I will also say that since I have made this realization, complaining seems to have no purpose. When I hear someone complaining about something (anything), it's like, okay- so is it something you can control? If so, fix it. If not- LET IT GO. Why lose time/energy griping about it? I just don't see the point.

I wish Bliss would chime in on this thread. I loved her posts on the Housewives/SAHM thread and she just seems to have such an awesome outlook on things. I would love to hear her thoughts. (Ha- I almost just said I would love to hear about her hula hoop and then realized it sounded totally obscene! Am I demented?!?!?!

 

[Gypsy]

This is a great post. I definitely try to control outside of my hoop. Maybe with the hula visual in my mind I can learn to be less nosey,

That said, when the inside of my hula hoop is too chaotic and I'm going insane, that's usually when I'm most interested in controlling everything else. Just so I can control something.

 

[risingsun]

When I was still practicing, I taught an Assertive Group and a Codependency Group. There is a big difference between being assertive, i.e., speaking up on your own behalf, and having an expectation that the other person will change their behavior as a result of what you have said to them. It is possible that there may be behavioral changes, but you can't enter assertive exchanges with that as your goal. You will likely be frustrated and feel as if the interaction was a failure. If you keep as your goal that you are speaking your own truth, that is as much as you can expect. I would like to tell you that you will be heard by the other party, but that might not happen. This is about you speaking up for yourself. No more and no less. It can be a very liberating experience as long as you understand both the goals and limitations of the process. If your partner is willing to participate, it can be the start of a process of change. If there is an underlying issue of codependency, then we have another set of dynamics to consider. There is much to be gained by doing this work, but there also is the need to do a lot of self work first. We need to know who we are and why we respond the way that we do.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Either way, it is a pretty lame post. Why the personal attack Jezzbell? You are reading a lot into this.

 

[jas]

I don't think Tacori was equating being in the hula hoop with being in a bubble. I can give advice. I can't control if it's taken. I can give it as constructively/kindly/rudely as possible, but can't control 100% how it will be heard.

I can similarly receive advice. It is my choice if I want to take it all, take none of it, take some of it. If I take it (or not) that is not the responsibility of the person who gave me advice.

However, if there is cake anywhere near my hula hoop, I'm eating it.

 

[Upgradable]

This is a great post. I definitely try to control outside of my hoop. Maybe with the hula visual in my mind I can learn to be less nosey,

That said, when the inside of my hula hoop is too chaotic and I'm going insane, that's usually when I'm most interested in controlling everything else. Just so I can control something.

I wanted to comment on Gypsy's post. Boy, have I found this true in myself! Especially the bolded part. And it is a coin with two sides. The more time I spend trying to control things outside my 'hoop' the more likely my hoop is to stop spinning and fall to the ground!

T- great thread!! Ignore the people who don't even have the self-respect to speak under their own name.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Natalina I meant to tell you how impressed I am by your post! It sounds like you are making some really positive steps in your life and relationships. Change is so hard. It is amazing how having kids can often be a catalyst for change, often positive, sometimes negativem but always change.

 

[iheartscience]

Interesting topic Tacori.

I'm a big believer in only being able to change myself, or my reactions to other people. However, that doesn't stop me from telling someone that what they've said or done is not to my liking. I don't let it get to me, but I don't let them get away with it.

With TGuy, I know I can't control him, but I still will make every effort to let him know how I feel, and want to know how he feels in the hopes that we can spin our hoops better together. The bottom line is that his behavior DOES affect me, and while I can't change him, I know we can both strive for improvement.

Sometimes he needs to see the error of his ways.

Ditto all of this!

 

[natalina]

DD- Aww, thanks . It's funny how I feel like a weight has been lifted in letting go of my controlling nature. And it is definitely true (or at least is for ME) that trying to control others was my way of avoiding looking intently at my own opportunities. So now to focus on myself! I'm hoping that with this new focus my hula hoop will become a little looser around the hips and thighs !

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am still trying to figure out how the illusion of control you do not have is a legitimate way of thinking.... Please carry on with those irrational thoughts so I can have more clients in the future

Natalina, that is wonderful! I felt the same sense of relief when I realized what I was and what I wasn't responsible for. Sounds like motherhood is agreeing with you!

Uppy, I guess I am quite intimidating. Who knew?!?

Jas, did someone mention cake?

tao, maisie, kaleigh, DD, Zoe, Steph, Elle, thing2, glad you all took this thread in the spirit it was intended. I think it is quite interesting to hear everyone's experiences.

 

[zoebartlett]

I think this thread is very interesting, so let's get back on track.

I'm still learning about the hula hoop concept, and it's definitely something I need to work on. For some reason, I have (almost) no problem getting rid of stuff, material things, that I don't see the need for any more. But to get rid of and let go of particular feelings/opinions can be really, really hard. I wonder why that is.

 

[Ella]

Please do not quote trolls or posters who come to make trouble. It takes us much longer to remove the offending posts when there are 10 other posts quoting/referring to them in the thread.

Please just ignore and report. Trolls will go away if no one reacts.

 

[natalina]

(I love that they're called trolls. It's so perfect. Hee hee hee...)

Sorry- back to regular programming!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I have gone through stages or phases... when I was younger I needed to control the world, just about. Then I had the realization you did that I needed to just let go... but now I believe in influencing. Changing myself to encourage change in others and the world. It isn't about directly controlling anyone and I don't always get the results I want, but I do believe very much in creating your own life and finding a way to make it exactly what you want without expecting anyone else to help you. I think letting go of everything can give you peace but it can also halt or slow progress. I don't think everything we control is in a hula hoop - I think all of our hula hoops are joined and rather than reaching over and pushing or tugging on someone else's hoop, I just make my hoop do my thing and everyone else's falls into place (just as mine falls into place for their own control over their own lives). I do not go passively through life, but I agree there is great serenity in "accepting the things we cannot change". But there's also wisdom in knowing the difference

 

[Mara]

Great thread Tacori... and good insights from other ladies too.

Funny thing about motherhood so far... I realize just how little I have actual control over. And I am usually too tired or too busy to care about random items anymore. Everything changes over time anyway, NOTHING stays the same, so even if you could control something or someone -- it's for a fleeting amt of time. Talk about a waste of energy expended--you'd always be switching up to try to stay in control. Life is a series of ebbs and flows.

Influences though... that can come from something as simple as advice or opinion given. That is not seeking to control...but rather interpretation of a 3rd party and what they decide..aka to act or not.. with that information.

Jas...cake is fair game.

 

[Kaleigh]

Great thread Tacori... and good insights from other ladies too.

Funny thing about motherhood so far... I realize just how little I have actual control over. And I am usually too tired or too busy to care about random items anymore. Everything changes over time anyway, NOTHING stays the same, so even if you could control something or someone -- it's for a fleeting amt of time. Talk about a waste of energy expended--you'd always be switching up to try to stay in control. Life is a series of ebbs and flows.

Influences though... that can come from something as simple as advice or opinion given. That is not seeking to control...but rather interpretation of a 3rd party and what they decide..aka to act or not.. with that information.

Jas...cake is fair game.

Mara, YOU got it.. You are way ahead of the game woman... But always knew you were a wise one!!!