When do you disclose illness when dating ?

[cvalier26]

Hi
So I have a "small" chronic illness (meaning I'm fine most of the time but at small times it does hurt), which **may** be inheritable, by that I mean that the children I hope to have someday have a small chance of inheriting it.
So at what point would you disclose it ? Not on the first date I guess, not to make him run away . But I am 30 already and don't want to "waste my time" so to speak either, I would love a serious relationship and settle down.
Thoughts ?
Thank you

 

[TooPatient]

I was already married when I got sick the first time and got my diagnosis. This is a blog that I enjoy. She covers things with a great sense of humor. The blog is specifically about MS, but I expect it will be a good read for you. I hope this helps!

https://trippingonair.com/2018/04/when-you-should-tell-your-date-about.html

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

For me personally, maybe after a third date that went swimmingly?

The first few dates might not amount to anything so no point in bringing up the heavy stuff but I agree with you on wasting time so best to bring it up if you click.

 

[Ionysis]

My friend has MS and is single and faces this dilemma often. She avoided dating for a long time because of it because, for now, you couldn’t tell she had MS, looking in form the outside, as she has luckily kept physically able so far.

She now feels able to be open with people quite early on - after a few dates - and when things seem to be headed in the right direction. I really feel for her though because telling a date about her illness is like saying “I know we don’t know each other very well yet but just FYI if it works out between us forget having kids naturally, and by the way you could be pushing me around in a wheelchair quite soon - or I could lose my mental functioning - hope that’s ok”. She quite understandably feels the chances of her finding many men who would be happy to face that responsibility (after three dates) is pretty low

 

[Snowdrop13]

My chronic (and inherited) illness only became apparent after I’d married and had my kids. Really, anything could happen to anyone at any time, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

 

[Missy]

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule. The answer is, IMO, it depends.
It depends on how fast you feel close enough to this individual.
How fast you feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
You don't own him anything right now.

At the beginning of a relationship you are getting to know each other.
The good and the bad.
So take it one day at a time and see how it goes and when you feel ready and safe enough to share this very personal part of yourself.

If he is worth it he will be there for you.
If he is not then bullet dodged.
I always say this is what separates the good guys from the not so good guys.

This will be a defining moment and when you are ready to divulge you will see if he is partner material. So either way it will help you realize if he could be the one.

Hope he proves to be a worthy partner. ((((Hugs)))).

 

[seaurchin]

I agree with disclosing it after a few dates. That saves you both from getting too entangled with each other if it's just not something he'd consider taking on. But it also gives you a chance to get to know each other a little first, aside from that. After all, if we led with the worst worry we had about ourselves, few of us would probably get coupled up lol.

 

[AprilBaby]

My daughter (33) met someone on a dating ap during covid and they messaged a while before meeting. Right before the first date he disclosed he has cerebral palsy. They have been dating in person for a year now and I think he is the one!

 

[Ally T]

I told my BF on date 3 that I have a bleeding disorder. It made sense, seeing as we were going swimmingly & wanted to spend more time together, in case I had an accident etc.

After we married & our thoughts turned to children, I had to undergo many clotting factor infusions (yuk!) to find one that worked, before we were allowed to try for a baby. We knew that any female children had a 50% chance of inheriting. Two bleeding, heart stopping, death defying births later, our beautiful girls are now 10 & 12. My condition is managed. Two of my five nieces have inherited it, but my own girls are as yet untested. Being on the radar is 99% of the battle, so I am fine, my sisters are fine my nieces are fine. If it comes down to it, my girls will be fine too, but time will tell for them - they are due to be tested aged 13.

 

[cvalier26]

Thank you so much for your kind replies . My kids would have 1/8 I think chance of inheriting it, so not really a "small" chance I guess

 

[Cerulean]

I tend to have level-setting convos early on.

If they run away, that tells you early on that they weren’t a true candidate to begin with, without being too involved