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Wedding What''s going on with the people around me?! (long VENT!)

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violet02

Ideal_Rock
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So some of you may have read about my bachelortte party from H E L L recently... one bridesmaid being a friend of mine for 19 years, one bridesmaid I've know for 2 years, my friends husband.... and now my other best guy friend... and then my old friend who's my DJ!

First off I feel like with the wedding being so near everyone's gone a bit whacky. There are mean comments flying left and right, passive agressive mean friends... snotty remakrs and so on... One of my best guy friends today get into a huge argument... and it wasn't even worth arguing about... I started to notice that within the last week or so if I said red, he'd say blue and then we'd fight about it. When I came back from the bachelorette weekend he wasn't very sympathetic... or supportive. He instead wanted to focus on what I did wrong and would harp on me about why I couldn't put myself in their shoes otherwise I'd never be able to work through it. That's just for starters... today was the capper when I said I had an issue at work that I had to talk to HR about... it turned out to be a good idea to go to them but he proceeded to tell me what a huge mistake I made... how it would come back to haunt me... that he never goes to HR... that I must not understand office politics etc. I was like wow, I'm 4 years older than you and I've been in business longer than you and you're talking to me like I don't know my way around the office at all? It was rude. He then proceeded to say that I just got mad at him because I don't like it when people don't agree with me, that's why I surround my self only with people that placate and pander to me. Over the top! So yeah we're having some issues right now... he started to turn into BM#1 at one point, 'you're so mean to me, I never say anything bad to you and you just attack me' whaaaat?

So then DJ friend calls and he's like how's it going? I say wow rough week, give him a brief recap and say do weddings make people nuts? (he's been married twice)... and he was like well.... 'look 99% of the time, its the bride... sorry but thats true'. I was like okay please elaborate.. he then goes on about how he knows how much money and time I've put into this and how high my expecations are and that while he doesn't know anything that's been going on he does know that brides can be insenstive to their bm's and not care about their needs or wants...

I was like ok fair enough but from my point of view I've gone above and beyond on more than one occasion including fronting money... just payiing for multiple things rather than have to hear about it. The list goes on... I mean honestly BM#1 hasn't had to do hardly anything... both BM's even charged the whole shower on my MOH's credit card.. oh and they asked my other best guy friend who's not in the bridal party to give them money for it... I was a bit put out by that, he said yes though so that was big of me but I feel really bad about that.

My perturbance here also comes from the fact that everyone seems to like to just tack this big 'your'e a stressful bride, you know now what you do' label on me and I think I have been pretty rational and collected through some pretty lame crap lately. People paint such an ugly portrait of the screeching demanding bride... I told my dj friend, 'look it IS my wedding... when am I allowed to just say f' it, its my day!'... and he was like welll you do have to cater to other people too. I was like sigh... story of my life. If you get in one tiny disagreement wtih any of them theyre like 'omg... she's just crazy cause she's so stressed'. Drives me insane!! What an easy out for them to not have to take responsiblity for their own actions!

What I'm really stressed about the most here is that I feel like some of my close friends (not my man of honor thank god! mr rational cool headed man) are being VERY passive aggresive towards me. I have good news they find a way to kind of tell me how I could have done it better or how I'm wrong. ME: You know we dont always have to be 'right and wrong' sometimes just be a supportive friend, whats wrong with that? HIM: 'Thats placating and pandering... so i dont do that, sorry'... ugh.

I really do feel like I'm seeing who my real friends are right now... at my bridal shower the other day BM#1 (aka hysteria) sat in the middle of the table... she really does want to mend fences with me but when she gets uncomfortable she overcompensates... which equates dominating every conversation, being loud, boisterous, butting in... 'what are you doing, what are you talking about HRMMM?' ... I was talkiing to a friend later on and she had to run over and make us look at old photos of her and that friend... like who cares? So we try to go back to talking but she wasn't having any of that... then people who are my old freinds are there and she's like omg you're so awesome la la la... like suddently she's in love with these people. I know that's her way of trying to get attention or my attention but jeez... I'm surrounded by two year olds! BM#1 last night was overhearing my conversation wtih FI and the DJ about what order we wanted to do the dances in and I was like well I'm not sure I want to do mother/fson before father/daughter and she's like 'GAH... no ones even gonna cares, sheesh, why do you care??'... I was like excuse me but this is my wedding and I would like to consdier what I would like to do about it, being that its MY wedding (and who asked you anyways?). She made multiple eye rolling, GAH comments to different topics along the same vein.

My ex today told me my problem is that I'm not the hand holding, huggy lovey, reassuring, coddling kinda person.. and the more people want to suck emotions out of me the more resistant I am... he said maybe it's time to taper off from those people and find new ones... sad! So his advice: suck it up for now, enjoy the wedding, then after... TAPER TAPER TAPER! Some of these people are old good freinds too.. its depressing as heck. Even when I say he it's two weeks out from my wedding can't we all just get along... Noooopppeee not good enough! I was home sick today... one of my friends is like I'm worried about all these sick days you're taking your'e getting a bad reputation at work, you're going to ruin your career. Er I took one sick day all month... and they dont' have a clue what my career is like.

This whole depressing process started 10 months ago almost when we first had to go through the painful snarky relative situation.. which still rears its ugly head. I wonder if people are thinking now that I'm getting married I'm leaving them or something... I don't know... some of them treat me like I'm acting like a prima donna and maybe I am? I don't think I am... I don't see how... and I'm not the one calling people names, or cutting them down.. I'm just trying to get through it. I guess I never realized what kind of people I surrounded myself with... after the wedding we're going to do what my ex calls 'tapering'... so you don't flat out dump people you just taper off talking to them for awhile until you just don't anymore. Maybe that's passive agressive but I'd rather just let it fade out then blow up all over the place. I'm tired just thinking about it.

Anyways sorry for the long scattered VENT... I was feeling pretty alone the last couple of days in terms of my friends... then I'd pick up a phone and get some crappy comment and that would just ruin the next few hours. I think my best bet is to distance myself from most of these folks before the wedding.

I had one question though... what do I do about the tables? My original plan that a friend did was (we're using rectangular 8 seater tables) was to put all of the bridal party and their hubbys/wifes/dates on one big long table.... I was toying with the idea of just breaking it down even more and maybe having a bride/groom plus man of honor and best man table separately or something. My MOH said that probably won't work but I was having a tough time sucking it up all through my shower when I would try to get a word out edgewise and between either her or her univited hubby they'd casue enough of a ruckus that I couldn't really talk to people at the end of the table. I was trying to work around that somehow with the reception... my MOH is saying that he can't imagine they would be that bad on the wedding day. Who knows! Cant really trust any of them fully at this point. I do want to sit with my whole bridal party but... SIGH... I guess I just need to suck it up!

ETA: I'm also exhausted to the bone... just painfull tired but I have barely slept in the last 3 days... seriously its like i can't!
 
ick, i''m sorry violet
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. it sounds like you''re about ready to pull your hair out! i don''t know what to say about everyone else, but i''d suggest keeping a tight lip about anything wedding related to anyone but your fiance for the next two weeks and if that means keeping people at an arm''s length, then so be it. i think that sometimes people are quick to conclude that the bride is ''crazy'', so it might be best to not even give them the opportunity. make decisions first and fill people in as needed - everyone has an opinion and i know that i''ve had a couple people get upset with me when i solicited an opinion and then went with something else. people get so personal and invested when it comes to weddings and everything just gets magnified. hopefully when it''s over and the dust settles maybe you and them can repair your friendships.

but yeah, if you just keep quiet about anything wedding related they will hardly have cause to say you''ve gone crazy. i hope you feel better!
 
Date: 9/17/2008 7:03:58 AM
Author:violet02

My ex today told me my problem is that I''m not the hand holding, huggy lovey, reassuring, coddling kinda person.. and the more people want to suck emotions out of me the more resistant I am... he said maybe it''s time to taper off from those people and find new ones... sad! So his advice: suck it up for now, enjoy the wedding, then after... TAPER TAPER TAPER!
That''s exactly what it is. These women are making it all about them and looking for you to coddle them. They know damn well that the bachelorette party was your moment but they made it about what they want to do and when you didn''t fall for their "but this is what I want to do" crap, they got mad.

I agree with sucking it up for the wedding, enjoy your special day, and then cut these friends off (or at least back away a little).

I can tell you that its sort of the opposite situation for me right now. My bride (I''m the MOH) is extremely sensitive and if I don''t coddle her she flips out. Yesterday she sent me an email saying that she couldn''t find her invite sample and she was sitting in the office crying over it. I was in a meeting so I couldn''t get back to her right away and when I did she went on and on about how I don''t care about her and this is her day and I should be there for her
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Suck it up then taper
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Thanks for the kind words mimzy and fiery and the good advice...!

I think part of the problem is me... I''m like wedding wedding wedding day and night. So I''m sure there''s some annoyance/resentment towards me right now. I think definitely not subjecting anyone to wedding talk and just laying low is probably the best idea now... It''s hard though, I take a lot of pride in the details and of course no one is going to care about it like I do... You know once I took back all the paper projects from my BM it was a huge relief... no ammo for her to use against me, ''blah blah she made me do all this paper stuff, i worked my fingers to the bone''... if I had to do this over again... I''d have my man of honor and my male cousin in my bridal party.

I think my FI would have not chosen the male drama queen version of my BM''s... his friend.. as his best man.. who coincidentally not only did NOT help to plan the bachelor party in vegas, citing he knew nothing about vegas and wasn''t that into the idea... (my friends helped put it together instead), got me to allow him to bring a girl he barely started dating to the wedding then rehearsal dinner... and then broke up with her..... and then after all that he didn''t even show up to the bachelor party, he was too sick. That was last week... this week he''s worried about his job, may lose his house (the list goes on... jeez... I think my FI should have known better on that one, although I think he regreted it not long after he asked him... and he''d spent some time with him).

I mean seriously new brides out there... be very very choosy about who you pick to be in your bridal party! I''d have rather had a non traditional or no bridal party type situation then this craziness. What''s sad also is the one groomsmen who lives here and my FI felt close too... I think he''s seen him maybe two times since we got engaged.. he doesnt really have to do anything anyways but calling and seeing how things are going or asking if he could use some help would be thoughtfull. There''s going to be some friend casualties after this event.
 
Violet! Wow, that sounds like way more than you should handle. First take a deep breathe, and follow mimzy''s & fiery''s advice. Stop talking about the wedding around them. I know your guy friend jumped on you for something not wedding related, but if at all possible avoid the topic. Say something like "Oh, that''s all everyone asks me nowadays. Let''s talk about something else. How''s work going?" 1) it gives you a break because @ 2 wks away that *is* probably all you''re talking about to other people. and 2) it limits their ability to undermine you.

Also try to find some time for yourself to RELAX!!!! Take a long bubble bath. Sit in a steam room for 15 mins. Get a massage. SOMETHING!!! You need to realign yourself, otherwise you''re just going to get more stressed out.

Wait until everything dies down. I wouldn''t be so quick to cut off your friends at first but maybe take a few weeks after the honeymoon and focus on you and your husband at first. That''ll give you all some time to clear your heads.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 9:24:52 AM
Author: violet02
I mean seriously new brides out there... be very very choosy about who you pick to be in your bridal party! I''d have rather had a non traditional or no bridal party type situation then this craziness. What''s sad also is the one groomsmen who lives here and my FI felt close too... I think he''s seen him maybe two times since we got engaged.. he doesnt really have to do anything anyways but calling and seeing how things are going or asking if he could use some help would be thoughtfull. There''s going to be some friend casualties after this event.

Wow I am sorry things are going so crazy Violet..I can''t believe it''s still getting worse after the horrible party.
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It sounds like everyone is getting really insecure and/or sensitive. Is there any chance that some of the people involved are worried about how their relationship with you will be after the wedding? Well..if the answer to that is no, then they''re just being Divas.
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Not very nice of them.
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I quoted the section above because I especially agree with you 100% about that one. I haven''t had a ton of problems..but kind of hastily chose. And well, it''s interesting.
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They don''t do much at all..like..0. Sigh. Gets kind of lonely for me sometimes not to have many people to share details with and whatnot. But that''s what BWW in PS is for I suppose, right?
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I agree that you should really take some time to yourself to relax and get yourself recharged. You''re running on empty now. I''m sure you must have a lot that you still need to do, but I bet if you take some time off and re-group, you will be much more productive and less stressed. Can you take a day off from work and sleep in (it sounds like you really need it) and then do something for yourself, which is very relaxing?

A lot of times, I will perceive things as much worse than they are if I am in a state of exhaustion. I hope you can get some sleep. Really, take a day off from work and just sleep and relax.

Take care,
LV
 
Date: 9/17/2008 9:24:52 AM
Author: violet02
Thanks for the kind words mimzy and fiery and the good advice...!


I think part of the problem is me... I''m like wedding wedding wedding day and night. So I''m sure there''s some annoyance/resentment towards me right now. I think definitely not subjecting anyone to wedding talk and just laying low is probably the best idea now... It''s hard though, I take a lot of pride in the details and of course no one is going to care about it like I do... You know once I took back all the paper projects from my BM it was a huge relief... no ammo for her to use against me, ''blah blah she made me do all this paper stuff, i worked my fingers to the bone''... if I had to do this over again... I''d have my man of honor and my male cousin in my bridal party.


I think my FI would have not chosen the male drama queen version of my BM''s... his friend.. as his best man.. who coincidentally not only did NOT help to plan the bachelor party in vegas, citing he knew nothing about vegas and wasn''t that into the idea... (my friends helped put it together instead), got me to allow him to bring a girl he barely started dating to the wedding then rehearsal dinner... and then broke up with her..... and then after all that he didn''t even show up to the bachelor party, he was too sick. That was last week... this week he''s worried about his job, may lose his house (the list goes on... jeez... I think my FI should have known better on that one, although I think he regreted it not long after he asked him... and he''d spent some time with him).


I mean seriously new brides out there... be very very choosy about who you pick to be in your bridal party! I''d have rather had a non traditional or no bridal party type situation then this craziness. What''s sad also is the one groomsmen who lives here and my FI felt close too... I think he''s seen him maybe two times since we got engaged.. he doesnt really have to do anything anyways but calling and seeing how things are going or asking if he could use some help would be thoughtfull . There''s going to be some friend casualties after this event.


violet, i''m a big fan of yours, but the bolded parts above make it seem like your priorities *might* be out of whack a little bit. your FI''s best man sounds like he has a lot going on, and it''s not like you can say "no! you can''t be concerned with your own life during my engagement!" (which i know you aren''t doing, but still). as for the other groomsmen, not a single one of stefan''s groomsmen have asked about wedding planning - they are dudes. they have no idea that they even *should* ask if stefan needs help (which there''s really nothing that they could do anyways). it just doesn''t occur to guys. and just because they are in the ''helping'' role, doesn''t mean that it''s their job to initiate contact, you know?

sorry for being sorta harsh
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Violet, honey, you need a break from all this wedding stuff. Even if it''s just for 1/2 a day!!! Think about what you liked doing BEFORE you had a wedding to plan. It could be renting a season of your favorite TV show & vegging in front of the TV while watching it. Or whatever else. Totally take time off from your "wedding, wedding wedding" life and do it!!! You need to unwind and plug back into yourself for a while. I''m saying this because the constant wedding-head is not good. You need to get back in touch with what makes you happy. Maybe you can convince FI to take some time off too? I dunno just a thought. I think you really need to just disconnect from the planning and enjoy life with your man. :)
 
Date: 9/17/2008 9:48:20 AM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/17/2008 9:24:52 AM
Author: violet02
Thanks for the kind words mimzy and fiery and the good advice...!


I think part of the problem is me... I''m like wedding wedding wedding day and night. So I''m sure there''s some annoyance/resentment towards me right now. I think definitely not subjecting anyone to wedding talk and just laying low is probably the best idea now... It''s hard though, I take a lot of pride in the details and of course no one is going to care about it like I do... You know once I took back all the paper projects from my BM it was a huge relief... no ammo for her to use against me, ''blah blah she made me do all this paper stuff, i worked my fingers to the bone''... if I had to do this over again... I''d have my man of honor and my male cousin in my bridal party.


I think my FI would have not chosen the male drama queen version of my BM''s... his friend.. as his best man.. who coincidentally not only did NOT help to plan the bachelor party in vegas, citing he knew nothing about vegas and wasn''t that into the idea... (my friends helped put it together instead), got me to allow him to bring a girl he barely started dating to the wedding then rehearsal dinner... and then broke up with her..... and then after all that he didn''t even show up to the bachelor party, he was too sick. That was last week... this week he''s worried about his job, may lose his house (the list goes on... jeez... I think my FI should have known better on that one, although I think he regreted it not long after he asked him... and he''d spent some time with him).


I mean seriously new brides out there... be very very choosy about who you pick to be in your bridal party! I''d have rather had a non traditional or no bridal party type situation then this craziness. What''s sad also is the one groomsmen who lives here and my FI felt close too... I think he''s seen him maybe two times since we got engaged.. he doesnt really have to do anything anyways but calling and seeing how things are going or asking if he could use some help would be thoughtfull . There''s going to be some friend casualties after this event.


violet, i''m a big fan of yours, but the bolded parts above make it seem like your priorities *might* be out of whack a little bit. your FI''s best man sounds like he has a lot going on, and it''s not like you can say ''no! you can''t be concerned with your own life during my engagement!'' (which i know you aren''t doing, but still). as for the other groomsmen, not a single one of stefan''s groomsmen have asked about wedding planning - they are dudes. they have no idea that they even *should* ask if stefan needs help (which there''s really nothing that they could do anyways). it just doesn''t occur to guys. and just because they are in the ''helping'' role, doesn''t mean that it''s their job to initiate contact, you know?

sorry for being sorta harsh
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It''s not harsh of you to say it''s fair ... let me put what I was trying to say above a bit better... I can see how that may come across like that... and hastily typed no less.

But it''s probably important to add a couple of things... first he has colitis,, I think that''s what its called, and thats not joking matter. Now I kind of hastily said yeah he didn''t go cause he was sick but we both talked to him and we knew it was for a good reason... That''s a serious thing... The thing about him not helping plan... that wasn''t so great and he was healthy and happy at the time too.

Now that part aside... the women in his life and the drama around that.. that''s all self created... and after awhile it''s hard to feel that bad for someone that constantly does it.. he''s one of those ''she''s IT'' kind of guys until 3 months later when he''s over it, bored.. cheated on her... found flaws... who knows... it''s a bad pattern though and he knows he does it and that''s fine but he''s also very ''''manic'' and ''emotional'' (and depressed and probalby needs professional help, cause it runs in his family, other long story and he knows this) and can really drag people down around him. The drama with the job and the house... it''s sorta real and sorta not... it''s more like... my job sucks... I bet its going to fall apart then I''ll lose my house... then (insert next catastrophe here... probably self made).... I mean he''s got a job and he''s got money... he just loves to make waves for himself. He''s a worrier. Anyways the bottom line I told my FI he could be there for him all he wants but the week before the wedding he needs to focus on himself. Right now he''s working 50-60 plus hours a week... he''s got a cold that he can''t shake... he''s constantly exhausted, and he''s fielding ohmygod my life sucks phone calls from the best man. Now health... yes total sympathy... stay in bed, get well soon... the rest of it? How many times can you go through that before you learn he just does it to himself over and over again. Best man is a self sabotager...

And as far as the other groomsmen that doesn''t call? Well before hand he used to at least call and go to lunch with him then it was like total dead air.. so that was kinda weird... they used to talk a lot then his friend doesn''t even really call him at all for anything. He works about 5 blocks away from us too... so that kinda hurt his feelings... his other groomsmen calls him every week to see how things are going, he lives out of state but he wants to check in... not all guys aren''t thoughtless!
 
Playing devil''s advocate for a moment. First, we are hearing only one side of the story. And I''m not saying, Violet, that you''re doing this (especially after reading about your bachlorette party and how your "friends" have behaved in the past), but what I''ve observed on this board and on the ProjectWedding forums is that a LOT of brides-to-be get completely and totally obsessed with every teeny, tiny detail of their weddings, to the exclusion of all else. It can be like they turned into a different person. Some of the posts I read, I totally roll my eyes and think to myself WHO CARES? What difference does it make? Some of it is truly obsession and does not matter and just serves to drive other people bonkers, the ones who are not as invested in the wedding.

So, it may be time to take a deep breath, step back for a moment, realize that what will be will be, you cannot control the behaviors and actions of other people, and this will have no effect whatsoever on the larger picture of your marriage, which is what the wedding is supposed to be all about anyway.

Just another general comment about the expectations of many brides-to-be. I''ve heard over and over that many brides expect this day to be "perfect," and that it is the most important day of their life. I''m sorry, but that is just nonsense. Expecting everything to be perfect is just setting yourself up to be disappointed and stressed out if anything goes wrong, which 90 percent of the time SOMETHING does. And it is NOT the most important day of your life. The part where you exchange your vows may be the most important day of your life, but the rest of it is just frosting. This is a really, really, important day, but when you think of everything else that may happen during a lifetime -- the birth of children, deaths of loved ones, traumatic illness, triumph over cancer, and a whole lot of other potential occurrences, a wedding is just one more pit stop on the road of life. Don''t blow its importance out of proportion.
 
What you need to do, is take a step back. Walk away from the drama, and the stress and the tiresome nonsense. At this point, you''ve lived up to the comments of pre-wedding ritual. Meaning, you''ve done the bachelorette thing, and bridal shower. Now, all you need to do is make it thru the wedding. Do not allow this BS to cloud your day, mood, or memories of your wedding.

So, if this means you don''t really talk to them until the wedding, so be it. You clearly thought one way about your friendships, and although its disheartening to learn the truth...better now than never. Keep any relations with them brief and on topic...no room for friendly gab. Put on an extra layer of skin, and don''t let yourself take everything or anything, so personal.

And most of all...don''t let them know you''re hurting. Their behavior and rude actions are done to get a rise out of you, so just continue to smile and be the blissful almost-bride I know you can be....that will hurt them more than if you were to pitch a fit. Let them know just how insignifcant their comments are by how unaffected you are...
 
Date: 9/17/2008 7:22:20 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
What you need to do, is take a step back. Walk away from the drama, and the stress and the tiresome nonsense. At this point, you''ve lived up to the comments of pre-wedding ritual. Meaning, you''ve done the bachelorette thing, and bridal shower. Now, all you need to do is make it thru the wedding. Do not allow this BS to cloud your day, mood, or memories of your wedding.


So, if this means you don''t really talk to them until the wedding, so be it. You clearly thought one way about your friendships, and although its disheartening to learn the truth...better now than never. Keep any relations with them brief and on topic...no room for friendly gab. Put on an extra layer of skin, and don''t let yourself take everything or anything, so personal.

i have to respectfully disagree with the bolded part; if you do this, you are basically saying that ''if i can''t talk to you about the wedding, i''m not going to talk to you at all. if you care about these people at all or about salvaging your friendships you should use the conversation time to talk about them and their lives, or just anything other than the wedding, anything that might you might have done pre-engagement. besides, if you are curt or cold to them now, that mood is not going to magically disappear on your wedding day when they will for sure be around, and i doubt you want that.

violet - yeah, i know what you mean about a self-sabatoger. i''m sorry that your FI doesn''t have anyone really reliable friends in his life right now (except of course you
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) hopefully they will be able to pull it together for the wedding day.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 10:08:32 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/17/2008 7:22:20 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
What you need to do, is take a step back. Walk away from the drama, and the stress and the tiresome nonsense. At this point, you''ve lived up to the comments of pre-wedding ritual. Meaning, you''ve done the bachelorette thing, and bridal shower. Now, all you need to do is make it thru the wedding. Do not allow this BS to cloud your day, mood, or memories of your wedding.


So, if this means you don''t really talk to them until the wedding, so be it. You clearly thought one way about your friendships, and although its disheartening to learn the truth...better now than never. Keep any relations with them brief and on topic...no room for friendly gab. Put on an extra layer of skin, and don''t let yourself take everything or anything, so personal.

i have to respectfully disagree with the bolded part; if you do this, you are basically saying that ''if i can''t talk to you about the wedding, i''m not going to talk to you at all. if you care about these people at all or about salvaging your friendships you should use the conversation time to talk about them and their lives, or just anything other than the wedding, anything that might you might have done pre-engagement. besides, if you are curt or cold to them now, that mood is not going to magically disappear on your wedding day when they will for sure be around, and i doubt you want that.

violet - yeah, i know what you mean about a self-sabatoger. i''m sorry that your FI doesn''t have anyone really reliable friends in his life right now (except of course you
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) hopefully they will be able to pull it together for the wedding day.
Prehaps I should take a moment and clarify the meaning behind the statement...

Clearly, Violet has been upset by these girls not once, but twice...to date, they have been the subject of 3 rants/vents. Violet is very in touch with what the issue is, how BM1 and 2 are making her feel, and what her plan is regarding 1&2 after the wedding the (reference: taper, taper, taper). So, why does she have to continuly do back bends to accomidate them and their issues? Why does she have to salvage a friendship she didn''t put in turmoil to begin with? And further more, why should she continue to put herself into the line of fire with regard to what 1&2 say, what 1&2 do, and how 1&2 act?

I guess, until you''ve faced BM issues personally, you can''t really understand. But I still look back on my wedding and cringe thinking about the drama attached to the two girls I considered friends.

As far as I''m concerned...everyone gets their time to shine. This could be your wedding, or the birth of your child...but there are times in a friendship when one person has something *huge* going on in their life and as friends you give that one person your attention... as friends you rally around that person--you lend your ear---you give support. So again, why does Violet have to hush up about her wedding which is rapidly approaching to appease these girls? I don''t get the vibe from Violet that shes a hogger...I am sure she hasn''t manipulated every conversation from the minute she got engaged until this very moment with nothing but wedding, wedding, wedding. But, I''m sure like any bride--in the days leading up to her wedding, she does have bridal-brain, and oh-freaking-well, IMO she''s intitled.
 
*shrug*. partaking in friendly conversation doesn't have to mean bending over backwards for someone. she already acknowledged that she should cut the wedding talk....and yes everybody 'gets their day', but it's okay to be conscientious of friends feelings and respond appropriately for the sake of civility, yes, even if you shouldn't *have* to or they don't return the favor.


violet - you don't *have* to do anything. i'm acting (typing) on the assumption that there must have been something about these girls that you liked originally and i was just offering a suggestion if you want to avoid drama on the actual day of your wedding. you want to be relaxed and happy; not gonna happen if you let these tensions build up with these girls (or just one? are you cool with #2 again?). do you have to stress yourself out and throw yourself at their feet? not at all - but that doesn't mean that you can't forgive them for the past (even if they aren't over it), start as fresh as you can, give them the benefit of the doubt and move on. if they continue to spaz out on you in the absence of wedding talk on your part, then you'll know it's not just wedding overload. obviously you're entitled to do whatever you want to do and no one would probably fault you for cutting them off right now, but if you do that you are practically guaranteed tension and drama on the wedding day.

and i don't know about anyone else, but my best friends have upset me a lot more than two times in my life. i guess if you have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to friendships, then by all means - you don't deserve to be treated poorly. but sometimes people we care about, and who care about us, treat us not so well. it's up to you if you want to forgive and forget (even if just momentarily) or book it immediately.
 
I''m just going to say it. So far you''d have us believe that not one, not two, not three, but practically every single person/friend in your life is disappointing you. At this point, I think maybe some of it IS you. I''m sorry, you seem like a totally likeable person but not only is there more than one side to a story...even hearing only your side it''s starting to sound like you''re experiencing some brideitus. I think maybe your guy friend is on to something. He IS your friend and I don''t think he''s trying to pick on you for the fun of it. Maybe listen to him with an open mind
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Try to focus on your upcoming marriage, accept your friends warts and all, and most of all...enjoy
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Date: 9/18/2008 12:11:10 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m just going to say it. So far you''d have us believe that not one, not two, not three, but practically every single person/friend in your life is disappointing you. At this point, I think maybe some of it IS you. I''m sorry, you seem like a totally likeable person but not only is there more than one side to a story...even hearing only your side it''s starting to sound like you''re experiencing some brideitus. I think maybe your guy friend is on to something. He IS your friend and I don''t think he''s trying to pick on you for the fun of it. Maybe listen to him with an open mind
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Try to focus on your upcoming marriage, accept your friends warts and all, and most of all...enjoy
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Weeeeyeell...I hate to say this, but I have to agree that this crossed my mind.

Sounds like your friends might be talking about perceived behaviors from you amongst themselves, which is leading to some of this passive agressive stuff.

Sure, every girl should have the opportunity to shine. But this does not mean you are a STAR - a celeb to whom everyone must cater. I sort of think "shining" means glowing with happiness, lighting up the people around you (enough to be able to read what the hell is going on with them), ENJOYING this special time and making people feel HONORED to partake in your special day. Yes, it is possible to enjoy all of this and not stress - but that means being able to let go a bit, appreciate and love those around you, and focus on what is important.

As you keep saying "MY wedding"...yes, you are right. It''s YOUR wedding. So you are going to care more about it than anyone else.
 
Welll... some valid comments yes.

So not everyone I know everywhere is like this but the people closest to me.

My DJ friend... I think his comments were weird because we don''t really talk at all but his comment about how its just about always the brides fault may be true in some cases but I don''t think it''s always true. He''s not being a jerk to me though.

The two BM''s... one is my friends wife who I''ve had a few blowouts with in the past. I figured we were working towards trying to be true friends and we both thought working on things together would bring us closer together. Well obviously the pressure of a wedidng wasn''t the best way to go about doing that.

My other BM... we go way back but aren''t super close per se. But I thought she was dependable overall.

My MOH, awesome... his gf, awesome... some of our other friends, awesome.

My best guy friend... his passive agressiveness... I think it''s partially because he''s sad I''m getting married. I''ve been like a ''surrogate'' girlfriend to him for years... he even cried when I bought my wedding dress... we''ve spent a lot of time together and I''ve tried to make him feel okay about how things will be. But at some point enough''s enough. And I think the closer we get to the wedding the worse things get. I mean I think from an open minded point of view he thinks he'' helping me in his own way but it just causes a lot of strife.

I don''t think I''m a star at all... but I do think that people think are have pre-conceived notions about brides that I don''t think are always true. Right now I spend days and nights doing everything myself or with the help of my MOH, who''s supportive and really cool about things... and a good friend. Other than that there have been some comments, some arguments, some uncomfortable situations.. and I''m doing my best to say ''Thank You'' at every turn... and ''I hope you''re doing well'' and ''It''s okay I can take care of it''... to the BMs.... to keep the peace. To my guy friend I say sure let''s put it behind us for now.

Anyways, I think my main upset is just that for the next couple of weeks I would think we could all just chill out and relax going into the wedding... but there''s been a lot of conflict and a lot of unkindness and some unecessary comments.... and I would think that for a friend that''s going to get married that your friends could just all relax and not have to give you unsolicited comments (rude ones at that) and just be there for you. And yes as Italia said... it would be nice to have my friends rally around me these last couple of weeks, it''s a big time in my life...

And no I''m not only talking about wedding stuff to my friends... we do talk about regular things.... And I did have my best friend be in my bridal party and my best friend has been great.... sure people have falling outs and can recover from them but it really depends on how strong that friendship was to start... so that remains to be seen.

Anyways I think I''ve done my best to think about my behavior, to try to be concientius... to say I''m sorry when I don''t always ''have'' to... to give gifts... send cards, call to see how people are doing... offer to pay when they can''t... to try and put a smile on even when I''m not happy.... and I think my vent was really about being disappointment.. in the people I chose to be there for me and how they''ve acted.

And sure not everyone cares about what I care about or my wedding.. and in my eye rolling GAH example of my BM.. no one even asked her to care, she was not part of the conversation but a nearby listerner... my point is why even bother to interject your BLAH who cares opinion when no one even asked you? It just comes across as snarky and unkind.
 
And I wanted to add thanks everyone for letting me vent. Thanks for the supports, the harsh comments, the back to reality comments all of it! I need to hear it. Part of why I vented on here was to try and get more perspective on the issue. I''m too close to it, my friends are too close to it and I need to hear people thoughts not in the middle of it as well.

I don''t want to be a bridezilla jerk so I''m trying my best to get a grip on what reality is right now, not what I think I perceive it to be. Also I know this is the only place where people are going to be able to relate the most to where I''m coming from since many of us are and were in wedding mode. The last thing I want to do is make people think I''m some self-centered pirima donna. I think I''ve been trying hard not to be... so sometimes it makes me sad if people just jump right to that conclusion.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 9:43:31 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS

Date: 9/17/2008 9:24:52 AM
Author: violet02
I mean seriously new brides out there... be very very choosy about who you pick to be in your bridal party! I''d have rather had a non traditional or no bridal party type situation then this craziness. What''s sad also is the one groomsmen who lives here and my FI felt close too... I think he''s seen him maybe two times since we got engaged.. he doesnt really have to do anything anyways but calling and seeing how things are going or asking if he could use some help would be thoughtfull. There''s going to be some friend casualties after this event.

Wow I am sorry things are going so crazy Violet..I can''t believe it''s still getting worse after the horrible party.
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It sounds like everyone is getting really insecure and/or sensitive. Is there any chance that some of the people involved are worried about how their relationship with you will be after the wedding? Well..if the answer to that is no, then they''re just being Divas.
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Not very nice of them.
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I quoted the section above because I especially agree with you 100% about that one. I haven''t had a ton of problems..but kind of hastily chose. And well, it''s interesting.
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They don''t do much at all..like..0. Sigh. Gets kind of lonely for me sometimes not to have many people to share details with and whatnot. But that''s what BWW in PS is for I suppose, right?
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Sorry to hear that Sarah... and yes we''re lucky to have PS to share with... I''m not sure what i would do with about everone on here!! I definitely hastily chose in the beginning and wound up with one bad BM who ducked out thankfully. I did need help though and I did get a lot of help from BM#1 at first... I''m sorry you''re doing it on your own.... hopefully your family can help out too.
 
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