What would you want included in your obituary?

[missy]

This topic might be too morbid for PS but recent events have me thinking about this.
Have you given it any thought? What would you want in your obituary?

Here's a funny one that rings very true










Have you ever thought about what you would like written about you in your obituary?

 

[marymm]

I wrote the obituaries for my dad (2000), my DH's dad (2010), my DH's mom (2022), and my mom (2023) -- for me, the process of writing the obituaries was cathartic and helped me in the processing of their deaths. I ran drafts by family members as a courtesy and asked for input before publishing.

I really don't care what my own obituary says, as long as it is factually correct and preferably no typos lol, though I do hope that it includes "her superpower was reading" somewhere in it.

BUT also I have been thinking since my mom's death last November that perhaps preparing a draft of my own obituary and putting it with my Estate Plan would be helpful to my DH or alternate representative.

My father and FIL did not have Estate Plans, but we had a sense of what they would have wanted through remembered conversations. They were both pragmatic men who loved their family and also were great readers.

My mom and MIL did have Estate Plans; and it made all the difference to us. My mom was a planner and had even picked out her favorite photo and the poem she wanted on her memorial card!

I know this thread is about obituaries, but I would like to remind anyone who hasn't already done so -- prepare your Estate Plan!

Although planning the funerals and related logistics were hard responsibilities at very difficult times, knowing we were implementing their wishes and preferences and instructions made things significantly easier and less painful for us, and also removed grounds for any criticism by family members.

 

[monarch64]

One of my friend’s fathers wrote his own. It was absolutely hilarious. I’ll have to dig it up and post it here.

I’ll probably write my own as well. Can’t have anyone else screwing it up. Haha

 

[Matata]

Short: Name, date of birth and date of death.

I know this is going to sound mean, but it annoys me that the obituaries for nearly everyone who dies in my community describes the deceased as the bestest, smartest, kindest, wisest most wonderful among the wonderful....I've known quite a few of those folks and they weren't any of those things most of the time. I know, I know, the obits are to honor people's memories of their departed one. It just tickles my funny bone that we have so many candidates for sainthood in my small town.

 

[kenny]

Kenny went back to where & what he was before was born.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

“Funeral is by invitation only”

I realize that most would say funeral services are private and at the convenience of the family instead but shoot, I want to make it an exclusive event lol!


DH thinks I’m crazy but I don’t want a bunch of people who didn’t care for me acting all sad. No thank you to that. Actually I don’t even want a funeral but DH says that is selfish because the funeral is more about the people left behind. He is a people pleaser, I am not

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

i doubt there will be anyone to write one or to go to a funneral but i want it noted i'm from Dunedin and who my mum and dad were
perhaps that i was kind (i think to be kind is the most important thing in life)
some sort of prayer, the hymn my mum and dad had at their wedding (and both their funnerals) and then a Bruce Springsteen song -maybe land of hope and dreams

i would like flowers even if no one comes, i want flowers

then my ashes can go in the ground at Green island lawn cemetry with mum and dad in Dunedin near where my grandparents are

i would like it mentioned i was Gary's partner, maybe a little cat drawing on the plaque, a Springsteen lyric quote

i remember the year book last year at high school, the 7th form profiles were all funny and mine was written by my cousin as all my friends had left school the year before, mine wasnt funny

 

[monarch64]

“Funeral is by invitation only”

I realize that most would say funeral services are private and at the convenience of the family instead but shoot, I want to make it an exclusive event lol!


DH thinks I’m crazy but I don’t want a bunch of people who didn’t care for me acting all sad. No thank you to that. Actually I don’t even want a funeral but DH says that is selfish because the funeral is more about the people left behind. He is a people pleaser, I am not

My father’s funeral was invitation only. I wholeheartedly approve of doing it this way if you’re so inclined. It was a LOT easier on us as a family that way.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

What do I want? That I was a good wife, mother and friend. Someone who tried to be positive and helpful {altho I do keep my inner bitch on speed dial}.
I would like to be remembered by some of the students I have helped along the way.

I want to be cremated wearing my leopard dress, red stilettoes; something I could never wear in real life. At some point I want George Harrison's My sweet Lord played and before I am cremated I want Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky to be played.

And I want to be able to look God in the face and be able to answer for my sins.
And I want a crapton of lilacs on my coffin.

 

[mrs-b]

I don't think I want an obituary, a eulogy, or even a funeral. The people I know and love the best will all know I'm dead anyway, so what's the point of an obituary? And there would be nothing worse than getting 8 people to one's funeral. So I think I'd rather give that a miss. I'll be cremated, then I've told DH that I want to have my ashes in a glass urn that sits in a room where he spends most time. And I want him to move me from time to time so I don't get bored. I want clear glass so I can see out. (There's no point explaining to me how death and ashes and urns work - that's just want I want.)

When DH dies, we'll combine our ashes with those of our dogs and call it a day. And we'll ask whoever is our executor to bury them somewhere yet to be chosen. We want to stay together, so no throwing us into the ocean off a cliff in a high wind, where we just blow back up and smack people in the mouth and end up not together anyway.

I believe random burying of ashes is actually illegal. Good. I don't care. I like the idea of being compost. Something useful.

 

[Lookinagain]

I told my daughter she can do whatever she wants with "me" when I die. Whatever gives her some sort of comfort. If anyone writes an obit, I just hope it says I was honest and fair. Otherwise, just put me somewhere with the ashes of my past dogs......(Is that legal?)

 

[Bron357]

She came, she saw, she spent

 

[HGar]

Don’t really care about the obit or even funeral. I will be cremated and I’ve told my husband & kids I’m to be split into 3 bundles. One is to go to Oahu which is DH & my favourite place. One is to be surreptitiously dumped somewhere in Disneyland (it is actually banned but I’ve never broken a law in my life, so I’m doing when I’m dead) - the 3rd lot my kids can toss wherever they want here in our city, preferably near the beach.

I’ve told my husband he’s to remain single for at least 12mths after my death or else I’m haunting his @rse for all eternity.

My two best friends and I have planned that when the eldest of us dies (she is the jokester and loud one of us) we will have a lucky door prize hidden under one of the seats plus we will run a raffle of gin and craft items - her two favourite things. We’ve been best friends going on for 49yrs since we were 5 so there are always funeral discussions LOL.

 

[mrs-b]

Don’t really care about the obit or even funeral. I will be cremated and I’ve told my husband & kids I’m to be split into 3 bundles. One is to go to Oahu which is DH & my favourite place. One is to be surreptitiously dumped somewhere in Disneyland (it is actually banned but I’ve never broken a law in my life, so I’m doing when I’m dead) - the 3rd lot my kids can toss wherever they want here in our city, preferably near the beach.

I’ve told my husband he’s to remain single for at least 12mths after my death or else I’m haunting his @rse for all eternity.

My two best friends and I have planned that when the eldest of us dies (she is the jokester and loud one of us) we will have a lucky door prize hidden under one of the seats plus we will run a raffle of gin and craft items - her two favourite things. We’ve been best friends going on for 49yrs since we were 5 so there are always funeral discussions LOL.

This is wonderful. My best friend and I have been BFFs for 47 years, and she is adamant she will not invite my sister (who she cannot stand) to my funeral. She's been closer to me that any family member has ever been - so - her call - *if* I have a funeral, which I doubt.

I've had lots of health issues, so my DH and I have discussed this many times. He has firmly said he will never marry again. He is a one and done kinda guy, so I believe him. I want him to be happy, but I think what will make him happiest is staying single, and I've always said that if he dies, I'd date, but never remarry. When we married, it was for life. And, of course, the older we get, the more true and likely this becomes.

 

[LilAlex]

This is kind of fresh. We have a dear family friend who is newly diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was thinking about what his poor wife is -- and will be -- going through and I semi-urgently set out to write "instructions" for my wife assuming I "go" first. (She tells me I'd better go first because she does not want to deal with the finances. She certainly could do it but hasn't had to in a while and I'm sure I make it look harder than it is through over-thinking and under-executing.) So I wrote everything out over the past few weekends (hopefully prematurely) and confirmed/updated the beneficiaries for all of our accounts. We each have -- or will have -- some old-school "defined benefit" plans and I reviewed and wrote down the survivor benefits. I included where to find our prior tax returns -- hard copy and on the computer -- and whom to trust for advice (we have an estate attorney, although we have no advisor or accountant at this point). So it did cause a lot of introspection and I kept adding "important" details and it became a bit like Ray Bradbury's The Fruit at the Bottom of the Bowl, which has always been our metaphor for, again, overthinking.

Anyway, compared to that, I don't really care what my obituary says. My "school friends" at every level who might recognize my name in print (although it's a common name so more likely not) are all a million miles away and will never see it. My parents -- and I gave eulogies for both that I did pour my heart and soul into -- had very perfunctory "just-the-facts" obits. I think the funeral home collected some generic data from one of my sibs (dates, places, survived bys). Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly (but not tragically; he was not young) and had a huge funeral. Mom died later after a prolonged illness and just wanted a small graveside service. Either seemed fine, tbh. The big one was pretty overwhelming and stressful -- like a big, sad wedding you have to host and plan in two days. If my kids have to eulogize me (and I hope they are in a position to because the alternative is unthinkable), I hope they can play if for at least a few laughs -- they certainly will have a lot of foibles and inside jokes to draw from!

When we were younger, we had an informal pact that the survivor had to go on one date within a year -- get on with your life and find somebody new and wonderful. That was decades ago. Now that it's an actual statistical possibility, we don't say too much about it -- just keep whistlin' past the graveyard.

 

[HGar]

This is wonderful. My best friend and I have been BFFs for 47 years, and she is adamant she will not invite my sister (who she cannot stand) to my funeral. She's been closer to me that any family member has ever been - so - her call - *if* I have a funeral, which I doubt.

I've had lots of health issues, so my DH and I have discussed this many times. He has firmly said he will never marry again. He is a one and done kinda guy, so I believe him. I want him to be happy, but I think what will make him happiest is staying single, and I've always said that if he dies, I'd date, but never remarry. When we married, it was for life. And, of course, the older we get, the more true and likely this becomes.

Mrs-B, this bestie of mine also has a sister that we cannot all stand so she’ll be the last on the invite list. My own sisters annoy the bippies out of me and I much prefer spending time with my two besties but the sisters are no where near as bad as my best friend’s. The other one of us is an only child, so we are it for her. Our kids are her “kids” as she has never married or had kids.

I’m like your DH, I’m a one and done. My husband and I have been together since 1989, however were friends from 1983. I always say if he was to go (divorce or death) I’m becoming the stereotypical cranky old lady wearing only black.

 

[missy]

We have a dear family friend who is newly diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was thinking about what his poor wife is -- and will be -- going through

I am so sorry

I semi-urgently set out to write "instructions" for my wife assuming I "go" first. (She tells me I'd better go first because she does not want to deal with the finances.

Ha, same. I tell my dh please let me go first or we have to die together. I am with your wife

I wrote the obituaries for my dad (2000), my DH's dad (2010), my DH's mom (2022), and my mom (2023) -- for me, the process of writing the obituaries was cathartic and helped me in the processing of their deaths. I ran drafts by family members as a courtesy and asked for input before publishing.

I am sorry for your losses. Glad writing their obituaries was cathartic

I know this thread is about obituaries, but I would like to remind anyone who hasn't already done so -- prepare your Estate Plan!

100% agree

One of my friend’s fathers wrote his own. It was absolutely hilarious. I’ll have to dig it up and post it here.

I’ll probably write my own as well. Can’t have anyone else screwing it up. Haha

Oh I'd love to see it if you can find it Monnie

“Funeral is by invitation only”

I realize that most would say funeral services are private and at the convenience of the family instead but shoot, I want to make it an exclusive event lol!


DH thinks I’m crazy but I don’t want a bunch of people who didn’t care for me acting all sad. No thank you to that. Actually I don’t even want a funeral but DH says that is selfish because the funeral is more about the people left behind. He is a people pleaser, I am not

I feel exactly the same. Don't need "fake" friends attending

Kenny went back to where & what he was before was born.

Short and sweet and to the point

i doubt there will be anyone to write one or to go to a funneral but i want it noted i'm from Dunedin and who my mum and dad were
perhaps that i was kind (i think to be kind is the most important thing in life)
some sort of prayer, the hymn my mum and dad had at their wedding (and both their funnerals) and then a Bruce Springsteen song -maybe land of hope and dreams

i would like flowers even if no one comes, i want flowers

then my ashes can go in the ground at Green island lawn cemetry with mum and dad in Dunedin near where my grandparents are

i would like it mentioned i was Gary's partner, maybe a little cat drawing on the plaque, a Springsteen lyric quote

i remember the year book last year at high school, the 7th form profiles were all funny and mine was written by my cousin as all my friends had left school the year before, mine wasnt funny

thank you for sharing...beautiful song

I want to be cremated wearing my leopard dress, red stilettoes; something I could never wear in real life. At some point I want George Harrison's My sweet Lord played and before I am cremated I want Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky to be played.

Love this

Don’t really care about the obit or even funeral.

Yes I feel the same. We haven't decided what we are doing yet and I know we have to start figuring it out but I do not want a funeral or even an obit tbh

I've had lots of health issues, so my DH and I have discussed this many times. He has firmly said he will never marry again. He is a one and done kinda guy, so I believe him. I want him to be happy, but I think what will make him happiest is staying single, and I've always said that if he dies, I'd date, but never remarry. When we married, it was for life. And, of course, the older we get, the more true and likely this becomes.

I feel this @mrs-b personally I would never date again. No way would I ever find someone like Greg. Nor do I want to. He is my one and only for however long we are here together on earth. I tell him he should find another love if I die first and he says he will never remarry but he is too social a guy to stay single IMO and I am fine with it. After all I will be dead

She came, she saw, she spent

Ha. Truth



No it does not sound mean at all. It's true. How can everyone be the best? The smartest? The kindest? LOL cmon
Keep it real. I want mine to say she loved animals (and tried to make the world a better place for them). Humans eh, not so much

I told my daughter she can do whatever she wants with "me" when I die. Whatever gives her some sort of comfort. If anyone writes an obit, I just hope it says I was honest and fair. Otherwise, just put me somewhere with the ashes of my past dogs......(Is that legal?)

It is true that funerals are for the living not really the dead. It is to say goodbye and try making peace with their death.

As for my dh and I we (I) have not decided yet how I want this to go down and I know I have to figure it out. I won't be cremated as I am jewish and the thought of being cremated goes against me for many reasons but one being the Holocaust and how the bodies were all burned to ashes. I don't want to be buried in the ground either. SO lol that doesn't leave a lot of options. My dh doesn't care and is leaving it all up to me. My college friend's DH died a week ago. Just collapsed out of the blue. And nothing was settled beforehand. She put him in a mausoleum. I will explore that option. Anyway thank you all for sharing your thoughts and plans

Thank you everyone for participating in what can be a morbid topic. We all die.
As my dear dad always likes to say..."no one gets out of this life alive"
Amen to that

 

[mrs-b]

Mrs-B, this bestie of mine also has a sister that we cannot all stand so she’ll be the last on the invite list. My own sisters annoy the bippies out of me and I much prefer spending time with my two besties but the sisters are no where near as bad as my best friend’s. The other one of us is an only child, so we are it for her. Our kids are her “kids” as she has never married or had kids.

I’m like your DH, I’m a one and done. My husband and I have been together since 1989, however were friends from 1983. I always say if he was to go (divorce or death) I’m becoming the stereotypical cranky old lady wearing only black.

Interesting coincidences....

My husband and I have been together since 1983 also, and this year is our 40th wedding anniversary.

Also, my BFF is an only child - adopted, as well - so it's really been just her and me forever. All four of our parents died when we were in our 20's, so we've really walked life together.

And we have a third in our tight knit little community - also single, never married, no kids.

Wait - are we sure you're not actually ME? Or visa versa??

 

[ShinyPink]

I know this is going to sound mean, but it annoys me that the obituaries for nearly everyone who dies in my community describes the deceased as the bestest, smartest, kindest, wisest most wonderful among the wonderful....I've known quite a few of those folks and they weren't any of those things most of the time.

Totally agree! My mom always said, "Everyone's a saint when they die."

I don't want my family to even tell people I'm dead, because all the phonies will offer fake condolences. I know it sounds awful, but I just know so many people who jump on the sad wagon to get kudos for their condolences, even when they didn't like the person.

 

[Austina]

We’re not in the least bit superstitious in that we planned our funerals a long time ago. DH doesn’t want a service, just be cremated and do whatever I want with his ashes. Now that we are no longer in our home country, I’ll say the same, I wouldn’t expect anyone we know to travel to a funeral (we’re all getting OLD!)

Therefore, there’d be no flowery words said at either of our funerals, but I’d like to think that people will remember be as a loyal and true friend, and someone who always tried to be a good person.

 

[ShinyPink]

@Daisys and Diamonds We were at his concert last week. He's been ending his concerts with an acoustic I'll See You in My Dreams. It was emotional and beautiful, a perfect goodbye.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I don't want my family to even tell people I'm dead

Same here. I have one bio relative left, an older sister. We have no communication in life, so I don't want her showing up pretending she's sorry. And believe me, that's the kind of stunt she'd pull.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@Daisys and Diamonds We were at his concert last week. He's been ending his concerts with an acoustic I'll See You in My Dreams. It was emotional and beautiful, a perfect goodbye.

sign
the closest i get is following set list vision on my Springsteen forum as its happening as the tour has been in a completly different hemisphere to me so far

I do love I'll see you in my dreams but that is Mr Tibby Tabby's song and it makes me cry

 

[Piper70]

i doubt there will be anyone to write one or to go to a funneral but i want it noted i'm from Dunedin and who my mum and dad were
perhaps that i was kind (i think to be kind is the most important thing in life)
some sort of prayer, the hymn my mum and dad had at their wedding (and both their funnerals) and then a Bruce Springsteen song -maybe land of hope and dreams

i would like flowers even if no one comes, i want flowers

then my ashes can go in the ground at Green island lawn cemetry with mum and dad in Dunedin near where my grandparents are

i would like it mentioned i was Gary's partner, maybe a little cat drawing on the plaque, a Springsteen lyric quote

i remember the year book last year at high school, the 7th form profiles were all funny and mine was written by my cousin as all my friends had left school the year before, mine wasnt funny

I think that everyone who read your posts on PS would absolutely attest to the fact that you are kind! And being kind for kindness sake, and nothing else, is what’s important.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I think that everyone who read your posts on PS would absolutely attest to the fact that you are kind! And being kind for kindness sake, and nothing else, is what’s important.

thank you Piper
and may none of us be in need of an obituary either for ourselves or a loved one any time soon

 

[Piper70]

My husband and I both plan to be cremated and neither of us want a funeral. We used to have a vacation home in the USVI and said we would spread our ashes there but now that we no longer have that, we haven’t come up with any better ideas. And the obituary would be the least of my concerns as I preferred to fly under the radar as much as possible in life. But if my children wanted to eulogize me, I have often said, “I am not a nice person, but I am a very kind person.”

Edited to add, I also compare myself to our pitbull in that I love my people so hard. Anyone who thinks golden retrievers give all the love has never met a pitbull.

 

[empliau]

My family has strict instructions to put a gold jewelry piece with me in my urn or coffin. As an archaeologist, I'm aware that gold survives best and if I'm dug up I want there to be something for future archaeologists (or grave robbers - the difference can be small) to find.

It will probably be my carnelian ring as my daughter doesn't particularly like it. As long as it's gold I'm fine.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I just want a short death notice and to be cremated. Hubby and I have had too many bad experiences with funerals in which family members/friends acted in ways that we never expected. My husband is still traumatized over the funeral of his closest friend. If I die sooner rather than later I trust my friends and some family will have a nice memorial dinner to comfort my husband.

 

[AprilBaby]

I’m going to be cremated and have a small memorial service. I want them to play Green Day; Good riddance. ( I hope you had the time of your life).

 

[Karl_K]

He mattered.