packrat
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2008
- Messages
- 10,614
"I don't want to make my husband choose between me and his mother. I just want him to stand up for his family and I just don't understand why that's not happening. And I don't understand why he doesn't see that his actions (or planned actions) conflict with how he says he feels."
He doesn't have to "choose" like what kind of dressing you want on your salad. He needs to stand up for his wife and family, period, end of story. That's not choosing between, that's putting you guys first, where you should be. That is your rightful place as his wife and kids. It doesn't have to be an either/or thing like if he stands up for you he will never see his mother again---unless SHE makes it that way. And it sounds to me like she very much will make it that way. And if she's more important to him and his heart than his own wife and kids...well..that's kind of your answer, shitty as it is.
I don't dig this whole well he can't make his mother upset so he *has* to side w/her b/c he knows you'll stand by him no matter what. No. Just..no. Having a demanding and controlling and overbearing mother in no way shape or form gives anyone a free pass to treat their spouse and children in a demeaning manner, nor allow them to be treated in that manner just b/c "they'll stand by me". Nope. As a human being, I demand certain things and one of them is to not be treated like a dog and if you're going to treat me like a dog, I refuse to allow that and you can find someone else to treat as such. It won't be me. Or my kids. Period.
I'm a bit of a put up or shut up kinda gal. It got to the point where I had to ask my husband who he wanted to be married to, your wife or your mother. He put it all out to her, this is *my* wife, and *my* kids. I will allow no one to treat them as lesser. If you can not abide by basic human decency, you are not welcome here. If you can treat them as my wife and your grandkids, as they should be treated, wonderful, let's put this behind us and we'll move forward. She could not get past the fact that he stood up to her and wouldn't stand idly by and allow her to treat us however she felt, and that was pretty much the end of our relationship. That's how little her own son, whom she professed to love, mattered to her--she couldn't even be civil to me and the kids and continued to see me as the "other" woman. Once he recongized that, that just cemented in his head what I'd been trying to get across to him.
She should not be the one pulling the puppet strings and making your husband dance. (that's your job hahahahaha I'm kidding..kinda..)
People told me "don't make him choose between you and his mother-that's his *mother*" Yep, and I'm his wife. He CHOSE me as his wife. His mother is not and should not be, an option for his wife. We are separate entities. He has a wife, and he has a mother. Those are two different things, not the same thing. Being someone's mother does not entitle you to "own" your adult son for the rest of his life, nor does it give you the right to dictate the course of the marriage and kids as you are not a part of it. Being the wife DOES, however, give you those rights. She decides how her marriage plays out, and she raised her kids. That's it. You don't then get to choose to take over other peoples lives. And guess what, if JD had sided w/his mother, the marriage would've ended 13 years ago when we had our first child and I was done dealing w/it. I refuse to be swept aside b/c my grown adult husband is kowtowing to his mother.
He doesn't have to "choose" like what kind of dressing you want on your salad. He needs to stand up for his wife and family, period, end of story. That's not choosing between, that's putting you guys first, where you should be. That is your rightful place as his wife and kids. It doesn't have to be an either/or thing like if he stands up for you he will never see his mother again---unless SHE makes it that way. And it sounds to me like she very much will make it that way. And if she's more important to him and his heart than his own wife and kids...well..that's kind of your answer, shitty as it is.
I don't dig this whole well he can't make his mother upset so he *has* to side w/her b/c he knows you'll stand by him no matter what. No. Just..no. Having a demanding and controlling and overbearing mother in no way shape or form gives anyone a free pass to treat their spouse and children in a demeaning manner, nor allow them to be treated in that manner just b/c "they'll stand by me". Nope. As a human being, I demand certain things and one of them is to not be treated like a dog and if you're going to treat me like a dog, I refuse to allow that and you can find someone else to treat as such. It won't be me. Or my kids. Period.
I'm a bit of a put up or shut up kinda gal. It got to the point where I had to ask my husband who he wanted to be married to, your wife or your mother. He put it all out to her, this is *my* wife, and *my* kids. I will allow no one to treat them as lesser. If you can not abide by basic human decency, you are not welcome here. If you can treat them as my wife and your grandkids, as they should be treated, wonderful, let's put this behind us and we'll move forward. She could not get past the fact that he stood up to her and wouldn't stand idly by and allow her to treat us however she felt, and that was pretty much the end of our relationship. That's how little her own son, whom she professed to love, mattered to her--she couldn't even be civil to me and the kids and continued to see me as the "other" woman. Once he recongized that, that just cemented in his head what I'd been trying to get across to him.
She should not be the one pulling the puppet strings and making your husband dance. (that's your job hahahahaha I'm kidding..kinda..)
People told me "don't make him choose between you and his mother-that's his *mother*" Yep, and I'm his wife. He CHOSE me as his wife. His mother is not and should not be, an option for his wife. We are separate entities. He has a wife, and he has a mother. Those are two different things, not the same thing. Being someone's mother does not entitle you to "own" your adult son for the rest of his life, nor does it give you the right to dictate the course of the marriage and kids as you are not a part of it. Being the wife DOES, however, give you those rights. She decides how her marriage plays out, and she raised her kids. That's it. You don't then get to choose to take over other peoples lives. And guess what, if JD had sided w/his mother, the marriage would've ended 13 years ago when we had our first child and I was done dealing w/it. I refuse to be swept aside b/c my grown adult husband is kowtowing to his mother.