Wedding What would you choose? Honest opinions appreciated

[Shoopy]

Ok so we are trying to figure out what direction to take for our wedding. We still have some time but I like to know what our finances are going to look like for the year, especially since we’re purchasing a house.

Anyway, we came up with three options.

1. Elope. We would go ourselves to the DR, have our ceremony and our honeymoon there, and then have a brunch with the fam when we get back. Pros: cheap and we get to stay in one of their luxury all inclusive resorts. Cons: Family won’t be there to share our special moment.
2. Take the family with us. We would pay for our immediate family to go. We won’t stay in a 5 star but with the DR beautiful scenery, we won’t have to. Pros: family will be there. Cons: a little more expensive and will most likely have to cut our visit short.
3. Traditional wedding. Pros: we get to share our moment with everyone we love and I get the wedding I’ve always wanted. Cons: we won’t be able to do the honeymoon in the same year and buying the house will be postponed for another year.
Now I know we don’t like to talk costs too much on here but to put it into perspective:
Option 1: about $4k
Option 2: about $7k
Option 3: about $15k
We will be paying for the entire shindig ourselves.

 

[aprilcait]

Could you do option #2 without paying for your family?

 

[marchswallowbird]

That''s tough. You really need to do some soul-searching on this one. Just from the info in your post, I would do #2.

 

[Kim N]

I''d go with option 2. For just a few extra thousand from option 1, you can have your family there and you still get to enjoy the DR and have a honeymoon. Option 3 seems a lot more expensive and you don''t get the honeymoon or the home in the same year.

 

[fatafelice]

Could you do option #2, but spend just a little bit more, so the two of you could have some time together at the five star after your family goes home?

 

[julesbeth]

Maybe because I am feeling particularly foul today - I would say option one or two.

I feel that with our wedding, I have somewhat lost sight of the real reason we are getting married. We had a fight about the stupid guest list last night, his family can''t figure out how to book a hotel in a city, and my mom keeps adding her friends to the list... I keep trying to take a step back and think of the real reason for OUR wedding... I can''t help but think it would have been more personal and meaningful had we eloped or done a smaller destination wedding. BUT, not to say those are easier to plan or less stressful...

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

 

[blondebunny]

Well, what is the most important thing to you??? Your dream wedding or a house?? Thats a big questions. Me and FF just had this convo last night.

Here would be my pros and cons
1. elope: pros-obviously cheaper and more money for downpayment, easier, seems more stress-free, you can ALWAYS do a vow renewal later on when you have the $$$ and have the wedding of your dreams. cons- family not there, I would probably feel regret later not having my family there and his not there as they are a big part of our lives and would prob be a little sad (maybe tell the parents or whoever your plans to elope and if they want to make it a vacation they can...and if other family members not invited say something just say it was a famil vacay that turned into ya''ll eloping?)

2.bring family- why do you have to pay for them?? If they wanted to be apart of the day I dont see why they couldnt pay for it?? (maybe that could be there present to ya''ll coming to your wedding in the DR) ALSO if you gave them PLENTY of time, could they save up and that could be their vacay for the year (I live in Otown so I am going to give my family atleast a year maybe a year and half to plan their vacay around my wedding) OR maybe they could pay for flight and ya''ll pay for hotel (maybe you could get a discount for getting so many rooms or something)

3.wedding of your dreams- as much as Id love NOT to have the stress, Id honestly be sad later I didnt do a wedding with my friends and close family. and honestly, im not sure if you saw my post before, but you can def have a fab wedding for under 10k in my opinion just takes time and research, and my FF moms always tells me, you can have people gift you stuff for your wedding.. haha

okay well goodluck.. hope I made some sense...

 

[D2B]

option 2

good luck
d2b

 

[musey]

As someone entering the final 2-month-stretch, I say anything but option 3.

Really, though, the others who say you need to do some soul-searching are right. Figure out what you'd have the least regrets about (because honestly, you'll have regrets about whatever you choose, at some point).

 

[Zola]

Option 1. That''s what my fiance and I are doing. For us, we feel that the wedding should be about "us" not about the stress of planning a wedding and all the details involved. Instead, we''re eloping to a tropical island and getting married on the beach with a great honeymoon afterwards. We''re also going to have a small dinner party after we get back. This way, we can spend time with our friends and family, not stress about last minute details or posing for pictures or spending only 1 minute at each guest table. Personally, I think weddings have gotten out of hand. It seems like it''s more about "coordinating a party" and going way over budget then what it should actually be about ...getting married to the person you love. Sorry if I offend people.

 

[Sha]

I think option 2 is a good compromise between the two. But it really depends on what''s most important to you.. Do you value most complete privacy and serenity with your SO, or having your family there to celebrate with you? Or having most of your friends and loved ones there, or being able to purchase a house within a certain time frame? That will help you narrow down your decision best, I think.

We did a destination wedding last year because we didn''t want anything too big or traditional, which it would''ve been if we had gotten married at home. Cost was definitely a factor, too - it was much cheaper to have a smaller wedding abroad. Because we both wanted something small and intimate, with our own personal style, and so we opted to have a small wedding with just close family and friends. It was the decision that worked best for us!

 

[omieluv]

As someone else said, it just depends on what you value more, a home purchase or a big wedding. From what you mentioned, you sound like someone who takes into account her finances, so I would suggest options 1 or 2. Since you sound like having your family there is important to you, perhaps you should lean toward #2, so that you do not regret not having your family there. If you go with #2, perhaps you could have a party in your new home with your friends to celebrate your wedding (just a silly idea).

 

[meresal]

I say option 2...

Reasons not,
option 1: My sister just had her 2nd marriage in Hawaii. Originally she wanted only DH and his two girls there. Ever since the day she made the first reservation she regretted not being able to have family there. Flight would have been at least $800 for anyone going and they picked a resort that was $750/night for a one-king bedroom, and there were no other hotels/resorts in the area.

option 3: If you are already worrying about it, this is obviously NOT the way to go. Take some advice from Musey. Is it really your "dream" or do you just want to be able to have everyone you know there in one night to share? (I'm going to have to decide that previous answer as well, when the time comes)

 

[jmtomaui]

These are certainly some hard decisions to make... I wish you the best with whatever you decide!

Would you consider rearranging option 1 just a bit? Have a civil ceremony with your family present and then a quiet brunch. Then that afternoon or the next morning head off to the DR. If you wanted to, you could still have the ceremony on the beach and your honeymoon at the 5 star resort?

This way, your families were present at your wedding, they all enjoyed some time w/ the very newly married couple, but you get to do what you want for the two of you in the DR.

I do hope you find peace with whatever decision you ultimately make.

 

[brandy_z28]

I''d say option 2 but it''s totally you and your FI''s call.

We''re currently doing Option 2 without paying for everyone to join us. We''ve invited close friends and family and said that there presence will be our gift. My friends are actually much more eager and excited than my family at this point but hopefully that will change.

 

[KCCutie]

Honestly, I''m having the same dilemma and I vote for #2.


I think you''ll regret not having your family there. From what I know about you from the posts I''ve read I can tell your family is important to you. It''s only a little bit more than option #1 but it''ll be so worth it.

I would for sure get a travel agent as you may be able to get some nice discounts if you have more than 10 people going. Maybe you could pay for the family on a "as needed" basis. That''s what we are doing my parents are having a rough year and if they need help we''re going to pay for them and my bff is always short on cash so I pretty much plan on paying for her, but my other siblings have good jobs and I think they should be able to handle it even if they can only come for a shorter time say 3 days instead of 7. If you get a travel agent and give everyone tons of options maybe more of your family will be able to afford it themselves.

I think you know what you really want....go with your heart you only get married once so do it how YOU want it.

 

[Shoopy]

Wow it seems like almost everyone is for option 2.

For the questions:

We could potentially do option 2 without paying for the family but I think that its hard to ask people to pick up and go away for a weekend. Right now its about 10 people that we would pay for but we may be able to reduce that number to just five (my mom, brothers, and his parents). Included in the 10 were the ones already mentioned, his brother, grandmother, and my bestfriend and her husband. But my best friend already said she and her husband (actually fiance oops haha but they''ll be married by then

). His brother will most likely not go. And grandmom...well I would really love to pay for her to go. My grandparents are already in the DR so it would be a matter of getting transportation for them to get there.

I honestly didn''t think about staying with them and doing the 5 star separate. I suppose that''s a good idea too. Maybe we can all fly in on Thursday, have Friday to prepare/relax, have the wedding on Saturday, and then he and I can take Monday through Friday of the following week for ourselves.

As far as what''s important for us...we would really love to share the moment with family. The reason why option 3 is even an option is because all of his family lives within 10 minutes from us so it feels almost unfair to not do a wedding where they can celebrate with us. Maybe, depending on how everything goes, we can squeeze in the brunch. It''s actually not that much...maybe $500 for 40 people but that''s a big maybe.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 7/23/2008 1:01:51 PM
Author: brandy_z28
I''d say option 2 but it''s totally you and your FI''s call.

We''re currently doing Option 2 without paying for everyone to join us. We''ve invited close friends and family and said that there presence will be our gift. My friends are actually much more eager and excited than my family at this point but hopefully that will change.

That''s another thing too...his friends. He has had some of these friends since elementary school!! He would want them to be there but my feeling is they work and make the same amount we do...maybe they wouldn''t mind paying for the weekend if we can get a nice deal for everyone. I know for sure one of his best friends would go.

 

[cara]

Hmm. If you want family to be there, I see no reason for #1.

The choice then is between #2 and #3. You really have to decide this with your FI. Many people are recommending #2, but only you are you and know how long you have wanted a more formal wedding and how difficult/cumbersome/financially burdonsome it would be to postpone housebuying and honeymoon. You have to place values on those things.

I live somewhere expensive, and even our quite expensive wedding would not have been anywhere near enough $$ for a respectable downpayment, and we couldn't really have made the mortgage payments after buying. So in some ways, it made it easier to go ahead with the more traditional expensive wedding, which we could scrap together the money for. It was only a day, but it was a day on which we gathered together the most important people to us for a celebration.

My pitch for #2 is that if you can get the people important to you to the destination wedding, that sounds like an excellent plan. Many times certain guests could not/will not travel, so it makes for a smaller guest list that some couples find a plus and others find a minus. In our case, we wanted more people to attend and we wanted more buffer between our divorced parents! But other people are aiming for a smaller more intimate crowd and destination is a good way.

As for people's suggestions on who pays, maybe you could pay for lodging and let guests arrange their airfare or something, but if it is important to you to have guests there (who wouldn't otherwise afford it) of course you should pay. It is your party! No point having it without certain loved ones!

Good luck!

 

[surfgirl]

It seems like you already answered your own question in that having family present IS important to you so accept that and use it as your springboard to HOW to do it...I see 2-3 options now that you know family being there is important:

1. Do the courthouse or backyard ceremony (just simple, no big wedding thing) and a brunch right afterwards...

2. Do the DW, pay only for the immediate family and have everyone stay at a less pricey resort and you two stay on for another week at a luxe resort for your honeymoon.

ETA: I like Cara's idea of either paying for airfare or hotel but not both, unless you know they cannot afford it. If you had a big ol wedding would your family help pay for it? If so, it would probably cost way more than flying a few people to the DR and paying for a hotel...

3. Do #2, and throw a post wedding brunch or BBQ at someone's home for the extended family to celebrate with you immediately following your honeymoon return.

For us, eloping was perfect but then, we wanted the wedding to be about the only two people that needed to be there, us. We didn't have strong feelings about having family present and in fact, we both have strong reasons for not having family there so it worked for us. But you seem to have always wanted "a wedding with family present" so dont push that feeling aside, if it's important to you, and it sounds like it is, then include them so you'll have no regrets.

 

[Cass]

Hmmm, I kind of like option number 2. I''m not sure when you were planning on getting married or where you live, but my fiance and I recently went to Puerto Plata, DR and stayed at the Grand Oasis Marien for a week, which is an all inclusive hotel (VERY beautiful), and the airfare and hotel cost us $1,600. After doing some research, it seemed like whenever you tried to book your vacation there through jetblue about 2 months in advanced it ended up costing that amount. I know that one couple got married there while we were vacationing, but I''m not sure how much that costs.

Now that you''ve mentioned it though, you have me thinking about option number 2, lol It was just such a great experience vacationing there and every day we were there we said, "I wish our parents and friends were here with us" because it was so fun and relaxing and beautiful we just know they would have truly enjoyed it.

Maybe if the people you want to go, or think would want to be there with you, could chip in some of the money. Know what I mean? Like maybe your parents planned on helping you pay for some part of your wedding if you had a traditional one, maybe they''d be willing to put that amount towards their ticket? I don''t know. Just a thought.

Good luck! Let us know what you choose in the end.

 

[Shoopy]

Thanks for the response Cass. The DR is a great place to vacation although I haven't stayed at one of the resorts (my grandmother lives on the country side so we usually stay there). Depending on the resort, they will not charge you for the wedding as long as you stay in a specific room for 7 nights or book 5 rooms of your choice for 7 nights so that's an incentive.

I'm glad you guys had fun there! I'm sure it was very relaxing

ETA: I forgout about the second part LOL. We won't be getting assistance. His parents can't and if they did offer, we wouldn't feel right taking it from them. My mom has offered but she already put towards the condo we purchased AND both of my baby (LOL they hate that I call them that) brothers are in college so she has a good four years of mom I need clothes, books, groceries, rent money, "girlfriend" money etc. LOL Actually this is probably going to be one of my biggest expenses going forward as well since they tend to hit me up first before going to mom

 

[anchor31]

Date: 7/23/2008 12:26:51 PM
Author: musey
As someone entering the final 2-month-stretch, I say anything but option 3.

I wanted to do option 1 but got pressure into doing option 3 and I''m now 10 days away from the day... And I have to say DITTO MUSEY!!!

 

[miraclesrule]

My feeling is that you should do what your heart really wants to do.

Being a "homemoaner" isn''t all it''s cracked up to be, although if it is important to both of you, then the time is fairly good for a homebuying.

I think there a way that you can get all your needs met with a creative combination of your choices.

Congratulations on your engagement!!

 

[Deelight]

I would do 2 but maybe instead of paying for all of it for family offer them a subsidy that could help bring the costs down for you and as a guest I think that would be a more then generous offer .

 

[pocahontas]

Date: 7/23/2008 3:14:05 PM
Author: miraclesrule
My feeling is that you should do what your heart really wants to do.

I think there a way that you can get all your needs met with a creative combination of your choices.

Ditto! Fiery, you stated that option 3 is the wedding you''ve "always wanted" so I don''t think you should make a choice that feels like you''re settling. I really do think Miracles is onto something...is there a way to have a traditional wedding, but keep it at about 10k? You could scale back on some of the "extras" and do buffet instead of plated meals? That way you can afford the kind of wedding you want and and still have enough money to purchase a home. If you didn''t care either way then my vote would have been option 2, but that''s because I''m totally biased

FI and I are getting married in the DR, but our family and friends are paying their own way. Good luck with your decision and let us know what you decide.

 

[Haven]

You say that the pro to #3 would be that you''d get "the wedding you''ve always wanted." If you really, truly want a traditional wedding I think you should. Don''t believe the marketing hype that would lead you to think you must spend tens of thousands of dollars to have a traditional wedding--we''ve seen so many fabulous weddings here on PS that did not break the bank.

Hubby''s cousins were married in a gorgeous backyard ceremony with all of their friends and family present. Everyone brought food items and had some hand in making the wedding work, and they absolutely loved it. Couldn''t you do something like that?

 

[claireabelle]

I''m going to agree with Haven on this one... hopefully you''ll only marry once. You should have the wedding you''ve always wanted...

As a home owner, I think buying your first home is an amazing experience.... but I don''t think it should overshadow your wedding day. At least enjoy yourself a bit first before being chained down with a mortgage! Waiting one more year won''t make too much of a difference... you don''t want to have regrets later.

You could get creative and bring the cost down a lot - There''s so many great DIY options!As for a honeymoon... could you just go on a mini-break somewhere close by just to take a few days to recover? Then you can plan for a real honeymoon the following year?

 

[marchswallowbird]

I''m going to disagree. A wedding is just one day. Yes, it''s an important day, and will be one of the most memorable ones of your life. But it isn''t worth sacrificing the chance to own a home if you have to make the decision to do either/or. A wedding is an expense; once its over the money is spent, never to be seen again. A home is an investment. In fact, many financial advisors say that a home is the most important wealth-building investment you can make (especially if you buy at or near the bottom of this bear market). Is "the wedding you''ve always wanted" worth it? Only you can decide. But it''s not just the wedding, its the MARRIAGE and the rest of your life that comes after this one day that should also be considered when you make your decision.

 

[Gypsy]

What Musey said.