What to do about ex's family

[setell]

Hi ladies,

Been a while since I have went on PS as a lot of crap has gone on in the past few months. I recently broke off my engagement after being together for 8 years. I could not take his crap anymore and will be more emotionally messed than I already am if I stayed with him. Everybody (but my best gf and siblings) was shocked at the breakdup as I was so good at hiding the issues we had. Now, my question is. Do I owe or need to talk to his mom say an explaination? I've pretty much ignored her since our breakup 1.5 month ago while I heal from this crap. I have her on my facebook, msn and she has my phone/email too. Don't get me wrong, the lady is nice but I just don't want to explain anything to her as it'll just be a laundry list of items as to what a a hole her son have been for the past few years. It doesn't seem nice to list all the bad things about her son that is very true and she doesn't know. She has made ZERO attempt at contacting me. At this moment I feel that I owe her nothing as she isn't even making any effort to contact me. It's my first breakup so I got no clue what to do about the aftermath regarding his family etc.

 

[monarch64]

Cut ties! Move on! She hasn't contacted you, why on earth would you contact her? You owe the family nothing, and honestly would your family want to hear from your ex after a breakup? Mm-mmm. Don't think so. Also, tempting though it might be, do not ever tell a parent terrible things about their child. If he wanted his mother to know how awful he treated you I'm sure he would've shared it with her himself.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

You don't owe her anything. Delete her contacts and move on.

If you had been exceptionally close to her, then an email message explaining that you needed time to heal but that you still respected her, etc, would have been nice. But completely unnecessary in your situation.

After all, how would you feel if your ex contacted your parents?

 

[ksinger]

Unless you and she were very tight yourselves - like you loved her like a second mom, I would avoid like the plague, trying to talk to her. And if you DID love her that way would you really want to hurt her by trashing her child, even if well-deserved? She will have heard his side of the story and as a parent, will 99.99999999% of the time, be unable or unwilling to see any flaw in her own child. Talking to her is a disaster waiting to happen I suspect. You owe her nothing IMO, and even if you do, it is only to try not to increase HER pain, and you owe it to yourself to NOT keep the drama alive by attempting to relive it with members of his family.

My ex came hat in hand to my mother, trying to be "friends" with her after our divorce. She didn't take it very well...truly a waste of time for everyone.

 

[junebug17]

Another vote for not contacting her - I really see no reason for it, it would probably be awkward and uncomfortable for the both of you, I don't think it's necessary.

 

[jewelerman]

This is a tough question and im sorry for your breakup. I wonder if the mother is at a stand still like you are because its an awkward place to be after a break up.I would skip a phone call because that could led to things being said that are emotionally based that should not be said. i would write her a note (and this is where other price scope members may step in to help with the body of the message)letting her know that you appreciated having known her the last 8 years.The letter should be about your relationship with her and not her son.This letter being kept simple and kind may open up the door for her to respond in kind and you might be able to keep her friendship awhile longer. Ive stayed in contact with a few ex-girlfriends family and friends over the years and both sides have benefited. I think though if there has been abuse in the relationship with an ex then constant contact with their family may be awkward and maybe not a great idea. good luck.

 

[Enerchi]

Also a vote for NO contact. Let her son tell her... and you know it will be 'his side of the story', but that's ok. You know the real story from being one of the participants. You don't owe her anything and best to walk away with positive memories.

Good luck as you go down this road.

 

[LJL]

Yep - another dont contact here.
I dated someone for 3 years (I know, not 8 ) and when we broke up, he thought it was still cool to constantly contact my family and friends (who didn't live near him and who were clearly MY best girl friends) - I'm not just saying a Happy Birthday on facebook, but "Hey, am I invited to your wedding?" type of stuff. We broke up about 3.5 years ago and he STILL does it. The wedding thing was last week for a wedding that I'm a bridesmaid in. Keeping in contact just seems desperate. I know youre thinking of doing only a quick explanation of the breakup but it could turn into friendly convos every once in a while with your ex's mom. I think it really rings true when people say "Would you want him to contact your family?" for me, the answer for every ex-boyfriend is ALWAYS hellz-to-the-no. It doesn't matter if the breakup is good or bad - youre trying to move on and get over it.

If you contact her now, be prepared for 1) a disaster if you try to explain the break up and/or 2) having your ex around either physically or through the words of his mother. I wouldn't want anything to do with either.

 

[jewelerman]

one other thing i wanted to say is that a note may help the both of you with closure and leaving the relationship with her on a good note and if you happen to run into her or have to contact her for any reason in the future then the awkwardness wont be such a hurdle.you were in a relationship with her for 8 years and a note might be a decent way to close the relationship.If she was mean then walk away,if she was good to you,then give and get closure and e-mail or sent a note.

 

[sonnyjane]

She hasn't contacted you, why on earth would you contact her?

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Pandora II]

If you were close to her then I think a short note - that doesn't spell out what went wrong (which she may well know anyway) - but just says a goodbye from you to her could be nice.

I can be difficult if parents want to continue relationships - I have an ex who I dated for 7 years. He killed himself shortly after we split up nearly 15 years ago.

I'd managed to keep his family out of my life until 4 years ago when she got in touch with me again. Now that I am married with a child it has been easier to not be 'X's girlfriend', but she sends my daughter huge xmas and birthday presents every year. She's in her 80's and her only grandchildren live in the USA - she's in Ireland - and I know it gives her great pleasure to do it, but I rather wish that she didn't. It brings back memories I'd rather forget - nothing to do with her personally, but her son was a very toxic influence in my life and it took me years to get over his suicide.

 

[distracts]

It sounds as if you and your ex did not part amicably. Do not contact his mother. Just don't. This is your first breakup, so you are in a crazy place. It is crazy to contact his mother to tell her anything. Doing so may start a fight with her or with him. You broke up with him, and he will tell her anything she needs to know. Yeah, that's not your side of the story? Tough. You're never going to see her again, so deal with it on your own. By contacting her, you are going to prolong the pain of your breakup. There's no such thing as "closure" in an instance like this. The only closure is distance. This may sound like tough love, but it will save you a lot of pain in the long run! I know, because I made mistakes like that with my first breakup. Contacting to explain SOUNDS like a good idea, but it is so not.

 

[zoebartlett]

If you were close to her then I think a short note - that doesn't spell out what went wrong (which she may well know anyway) - but just says a goodbye from you to her could be nice.

I agree with this. It might be nice to say goodbye if you were close, but if not, then I don't really see a reason to contact her. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.

 

[Saoirse2]

I'm sure the lady is nice but if she has not contacted you is best to leave it at that. Kudos to you for realizing this relationship was not healthy and ending it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I would not contact her. I also would not feel resentful that she did not contact me. You get a chance to move on, no strings attached. She would be a large string. Delete her contact and enjoy being single!

 

[setell]

Thank you everybody for being so blunt and honest with me. I am not that close with her other than the normal I will tolerate and be nice to you type of relationship. Best to move on as I don't owe her anything and have no desire to air our dirty laundry too. I am going to need a lot of distance to heal from this very toxic relationship. I still cannot believe how it took me so long to "wake up" and how I'm going to have to spend thousands to get therapy so I don't get emotionally messed up I've never harbour so much anger against a person till him. Or swore so much too!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I hope you can learn to resolve your anger. We give people so much power over us when we hols resentments. It is like drinking the drano and expecting him to die. Resentments can be toxic and damaging and I am hopeful you will find away to let go. I am sorry you had a tough 8 years. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Wishing you peace.

 

[setell]

I hope you can learn to resolve your anger. We give people so much power over us when we hols resentments. It is like drinking the drano and expecting him to die. Resentments can be toxic and damaging and I am hopeful you will find away to let go. I am sorry you had a tough 8 years. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Wishing you peace.

I hope I can control my anger too as I am not a violent person but all this resentment is making me a very angry person. 'sigh' I'm going to ask my therapist next week how to deal with my anger as it's affecting my performance at work. I'm trying to remember and remind myself everyday for the past few days what my friend said: that the best revenge is to move on and lead a very happy life without him. I've already made my statement loud and clear by breaking up with him.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I hope you can learn to resolve your anger. We give people so much power over us when we hols resentments. It is like drinking the drano and expecting him to die. Resentments can be toxic and damaging and I am hopeful you will find away to let go. I am sorry you had a tough 8 years. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Wishing you peace.

I hope I can control my anger too as I am not a violent person but all this resentment is making me a very angry person. 'sigh' I'm going to ask my therapist next week how to deal with my anger as it's affecting my performance at work. I'm trying to remember and remind myself everyday for the past few days what my friend said: that the best revenge is to move on and lead a very happy life without him. I've already made my statement loud and clear by breaking up with him.

Behind anger is grief. You need to grieve the end of a once important relationship (including the dreams you had with this man). Until you properly grieve, you may never find peace.

 

[setell]

I hope you can learn to resolve your anger. We give people so much power over us when we hols resentments. It is like drinking the drano and expecting him to die. Resentments can be toxic and damaging and I am hopeful you will find away to let go. I am sorry you had a tough 8 years. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Wishing you peace.

I hope I can control my anger too as I am not a violent person but all this resentment is making me a very angry person. 'sigh' I'm going to ask my therapist next week how to deal with my anger as it's affecting my performance at work. I'm trying to remember and remind myself everyday for the past few days what my friend said: that the best revenge is to move on and lead a very happy life without him. I've already made my statement loud and clear by breaking up with him.

Behind anger is grief. You need to grieve the end of a once important relationship (including the dreams you had with this man). Until you properly grieve, you may never find peace.

I think I've been alternating between being angry and hurt from broken dreams. I wanted everything with him, the house, 2 cars, 2 kids and grow old together. I spent the weekend balling like a baby over what could have been and asking myself why things turned out the way it did. 'sigh' to be fair, he was never always horrible. He just changed a lot when we moved for his job. He met new friends and didn't want me in his life anymore.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I hope you can learn to resolve your anger. We give people so much power over us when we hols resentments. It is like drinking the drano and expecting him to die. Resentments can be toxic and damaging and I am hopeful you will find away to let go. I am sorry you had a tough 8 years. We all deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Wishing you peace.

I hope I can control my anger too as I am not a violent person but all this resentment is making me a very angry person. 'sigh' I'm going to ask my therapist next week how to deal with my anger as it's affecting my performance at work. I'm trying to remember and remind myself everyday for the past few days what my friend said: that the best revenge is to move on and lead a very happy life without him. I've already made my statement loud and clear by breaking up with him.

Behind anger is grief. You need to grieve the end of a once important relationship (including the dreams you had with this man). Until you properly grieve, you may never find peace.

I think I've been alternating between being angry and hurt from broken dreams. I wanted everything with him, the house, 2 cars, 2 kids and grow old together. I spent the weekend balling like a baby over what could have been and asking myself why things turned out the way it did. 'sigh' to be fair, he was never always horrible. He just changed a lot when we moved for his job. He met new friends and didn't want me in his life anymore.

It is completely normal to be sad. You were building a life with this man. There are five stages of grief. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model They don't go in order, and often times certain stages repeat themselves. Now is the time for you to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to fully experience all of the stages, to process your feelings, to be sad, to be angry, to feel. I think often people are taught not to feel or to snap out of it. However, to fully get to the acceptance stage you must go through the process fully even when it is uncomfortable. I am sure your therapist will help you deal with all of your emotions. If I was your therapist I might suggest writing your relationship a good bye letter. Not him, but what the relationship meant/symbolized for you. I am a fan of rituals. You could burn it, bury it, something to physically let go of those dreams. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself.

 

[monarch64]

Whoa, 8 YEARS? I read that as 8 months earlier today, sorry! I didn't mean to come off as callous or harsh in my first post, setell. Sorry you're going through this.

So, when I left my first marriage, I had known my ex's family for about the same length of time, about 7-8 years. I had two nieces by marriage, sisters-in-law, etc. The best thing for me was cutting ties the day I left and never speaking to any of them again. I deleted contact information from my phone so the temptation was not even there. I truly believe it was easier for all involved that way. There were certainly things I wanted to express to them (my ex-FIL, who was a dear, especially), good and bad, but I am glad I didn't. They have never attempted to contact me that I know of, it would've been really upsetting to me if they had.

 

[LJL]

Setell, I'm sorry but you have the right idea - moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself.
You said something in one of your later posts that my father always tells me... "The best revenge is living well" - I definitely think thats the truth. It helps you live a happy life and lets them know that you don't need them to be happy and you won't be coming back around anytime soon without you actually having to say anything.

The best of luck to you in your healing process. I think you have approached all of this with a level head as far as I can tell and I bet you'll be in a new happy healthy relationship soon - and then you'll be wondering why the hell you waited so long.

 

[setell]

monarch64, I appreciated your brutal honesty so need to apologize. I needed my friend to tell me yesterday that yelling at him in person was not the right thing to do no matter how angry I am. I needed a slap of reality at times. I am fortunate to say I have some very supportive friends that know I'm going through a rough time and are there to listen or a shoulder to let me cry on.

Tacori, I hope to one day be free of all the negative feelings I have and to move on. I guess right now I'm grieving for what I wanted from the relationship and how cold he was to me. At least I know, even right now, I gave this relationship my 200% effort to make it work and do not regret breaking it off one bit even though I have a broken heart right now. There was nothing I could have done to salvage it from my end as he wasn't willing to meet me half way. I should have known earlier how bad it was when he didn't care if he got me an engagement ring I liked or not. He spent more time designing his ultimate frisbee logo than finding me a engagment ring I liked. He didn't even know why he proposed to me

 

[monarch64]

Setell, I'm sorry but you have the right idea - moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself.
You said something in one of your later posts that my father always tells me... "The best revenge is living well" - I definitely think thats the truth. It helps you live a happy life and lets them know that you don't need them to be happy and you won't be coming back around anytime soon without you actually having to say anything.

The best of luck to you in your healing process. I think you have approached all of this with a level head as far as I can tell and I bet you'll be in a new happy healthy relationship soon - and then you'll be wondering why the hell you waited so long.

A very emphatic and hearty "OH HELL YES!" to the bolded. 'Tis true.

 

[jewelerman]

some dreams change for the better!you can still have the house,cars,2 kids and a guy!but it will be with the guy who can really make the dream come true...you just keep hoping and looking and trying and you will find him!

 

[allycat0303]

8 years is a really long time, so you are bound to have a many emotions related to this break-up. You definitely did the right thing in NOT contacting her. I think you might want to consider deleting her off facebook (just because it might be sticky and weird if she knows what's going on in your life). It's going to take some time for you to heal and for the anger to go away. It's 8 years! That's almost a decade of having a life with this man, it would be unnatural to get over it so quickly.

An aside, my sister got divorced after 6 years (it was about 3 years ago). Honestly, she is STILL working through a lot of feelings about the relationship. It's rare that I have a conversation with her, where her ex is not mentioned. Not in anger, just in reflection. She learns about herself, and that relationship even now. She still feels a need to mourn that relationship/friendship. Some events are so significant that they change who you are. She was one person before the marriage and another person now. She is still struggling to bring herself together again.

Just to say, don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you made the right decision to leave this man; however, be patient with yourself from now on. Everything you are feeling is normal, and as long as you have insight that you are *angry* you won't become an angry, bitter person.

 

[partgypsy]

I will be the dissenting opinion and think it depends on your relationship with the mother of your ex. If you were emotionally close, then yes I think a short note saying goodbye and appreciating knowing her would be nice. My brother was in a relationship with a friend of my sister and I. May be that's a little different because we knew her before she got involved with my brother. They were in a relationship about that length, but she ended up breaking up with my brother. We all knew my brother was in the wrong, and in fact he asked me to talk to her so she would take him back (to which I said hell no). She still keeps in touch with our family as she is a friend of ours, but she doesn't have any contact with my brother.

 

[kenny]

Hi ladies,

Been a while since I have went on PS as a lot of crap has gone on in the past few months. I recently broke off my engagement after being together for 8 years. I could not take his crap anymore and will be more emotionally messed than I already am if I stayed with him. Everybody (but my best gf and siblings) was shocked at the breakdup as I was so good at hiding the issues we had. Now, my question is. Do I owe or need to talk to his mom say an explaination? I've pretty much ignored her since our breakup 1.5 month ago while I heal from this crap. I have her on my facebook, msn and she has my phone/email too. Don't get me wrong, the lady is nice but I just don't want to explain anything to her as it'll just be a laundry list of items as to what a a hole her son have been for the past few years. It doesn't seem nice to list all the bad things about her son that is very true and she doesn't know. She has made ZERO attempt at contacting me. At this moment I feel that I owe her nothing as she isn't even making any effort to contact me. It's my first breakup so I got no clue what to do about the aftermath regarding his family etc.

IMHO there is no single right way that applies to everyone.

If you want no contact with his family, then just don't have any.
You owe them nothing.
Just move on with your new life, and congratulations for getting out of a bad relationship.
So many people can not escape the powerful force of a long term relationship and just stay in it, unhappy.

It took me 2 years to escape a 13-year relationship that was not a good match.

 

[setell]

Thank you everybody for the support. I really appreciate it. It was heard to make the decision to cut ties and call it quits after 8 years since I was (still quite a bit) so emotionally invested. I am trying to find out who I am as a person as I've been so unhappy and in a way purposeless in life for so long.

I think I will follow the advice here and write a long letter to him (of course I won't send it to him!) and write down all the things that have made me so mad. I think I'm also going to de-activate my facebook too as I have too many of his friends and relatives on it. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and easier for me to move on. I think the symbol for me to truly move on would be to trash the keychain he gave me on our first date 8 years ago but I can’t seem to take it off yet. That keychain meant a lot to me for many years. I still look at my hand sometimes and stare at where the promise ring then engagement ring once was. I wore a ring for 8 years and went by those promises while he didn’t