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Home What my 15 yr old daughter has to handle

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Upgradable

Upgradable

Ideal_Rock
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This is just kind of a vent/see what others think thread.

I have a 15yr old daughter who is a pretty good kid. She is smart, sensitive, and sensible. She has just started "going with" her first real boyfriend, a 16yr old at her school who was just in the musical with her. He has been wooing her for a couple of months, but because she doesn''t like to rock the boat, or risk losing friendships, she had put him off. That is until this last week when the high school musical performance they were in together was wrapping up. She decided that the prospect of not seeing him and hanging out with him regularly during rehearsals made her sad, and she really did like him much more than just on a friendship basis. So at the Saturday night performance he brought her a dozen pink roses and asked her to be his girlfriend, and she said "Yes!" (I know, awwww..... how sweet)

Fast forward to late last night when another very good friend of hers texts. This boy is a very sweet kid who has just come out to his family and friends as gay. He had a major crush on my daughter''s now boyfriend since September. Erin stood by him this whole time as a friends, trying to help him accept that the other boy was not gay. It looked like everything had passed, and this friend said he was even going to support her relationship with the fellow. Well, last night, the young friend texts saying he is going to take his life because no one really cares about him, and they shouldn''t have to put up with his crap. He had a knife and was describing how he was going to use it to kill himself.

Well, Erin was howling and sobbing trying to text back and call him and tell him to STOP!!! We woke up to her sobs, tried to call the parents with no luck, so called 911. Apparently the boy is fine. The mother texted Erin and told her so, also giving her mom''s number to use if she ever needs to call again. This is all we know.

This morning she told me she is going to break up with the new boyfriend because it was causing her other friend so much pain. I talked with her about how none of this was her fault, and that a friend should not want others to be unhappy just for them. She is logically seeing this, but emotionally I just don''t know how deeply she can really process this? Breaking up will not solve her young friend''s problems. They are much deeper than an unrequited love!

All I want is to be able to hold her, put a bandaid on it, and rock her to sleep again like when she was young. This is so much for a teenager to handle! I''d appreciate any prayers or dust you would send her way. Thanks for listening!
 
Uppy I''m so sorry your daughter is going through this. That young man must be having such a hard time dealing with his own sexuality and feelings for DD''s bf. I think suicide should always be taken seriously and to be honest, I''d be calling his parents if I were you. However, I question whether your daughter''s reaction is what he was hoping for and he manipulated her by threatening suicide. Good luck!
 
This is so sad...
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I''m so sorry your daughter and her friends are going through this. It reminds me of the first boy I dated at 16, who tried to take his life two days after I broke things off with him. I know now that it wasn''t my fault, but in my mind then it was, so I understand that your daughter feels this way. I''m not too sure what advice to give you, I know that it was a time where my mom and I got really close, so your daughter may need you to be very available for her. Getting rid of the guilt was a process for me, and I saw a therapist who helped me a lot.

I want to applaud you for your actions of calling the boy''s parents and 911. I hope he gets the help he needs. Prayers outgoing for you and your daughter, her friend and his family...
 
Poor Erin and her friend
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You know, teenage years IMO are the hardest years to go through. There''s what feels like "true love" followed by almost immediate break ups. Your best friends sometimes turns into your enemies. You never feel cool enough and when you are popular sometimes you still feel lonely. You''re too fat, too skinny, too smart, not smart enough. It''s all one big emotional rollercoaster. Throw in a life altering confession and it can really turn your world upside down.

I think you are doing all you can Upgradable. Maybe Erin can convince her friend to go to counseling?
 
Oh how AWFUL. Uppy, I am so sorry she is going through this. This could be a blessing in disguise - maybe the boy needs some therapy to come to terms with "coming out." This may be a big step for him to get it, and your daughter is really helping him.
 
I admire your daughter''s adult response to the situation (and waiting and thinking so hard about whether or not she wanted to date the guy i the first place). And while I absolutely see what you are saying about his issues being much deeper than your daughter''s boyfriend, you should be so proud of her for, at least in part, understanding that very rarely do relationships at that age amount to much long-term but her friendship with this young man could be permanent. Learning to date is a difficult road to navigate and I know that there has always been an unspoken rule between my friends and I ,even as a teenager, that you don''t date a person that your friend has expressed an interest in, so perhaps that is also coming into play.

As for him being manipulative or not, only he knows whether or not that is the case, and your daughter, as his friend, should have some insight into who he is as a person and whether that is true.

Be proud for raising what sounds like an extremely level-headed young woman. This experience has given her a taste of how difficult life can be sometimes. She''s handled herself well, whether or not the best decision was to break up with her boyfriend, and that is impressive.
 
Aww Uppy, what a horrible situation! I''m glad you called his parents and 911. Do his parents know he''s gay, or did he just come out to Erin? Being a teenager sucks. It sucked when I was a teenager, and I imagine it''s only worse now! It''s not fair to Erin to break up with her new boyfriend, because you''re right, a true friend would be happy for her, regardless. He needs counseling. It''s good for you to talk to Erin too, that it''s not her fault, and she''s not responsible for his happiness, and even for his decisions, should something happen.
 
I''m so sorry. I dated a guy for 7 years who was always threatening to do this - and finally did a few months after we split up - so I know how frightening it can be.

If it was the boyfriend I''d be saying that she should run a mile. As it is her friend, I think it would be good if the guy''s parents could perhaps talk to him about not only his feelings, but what effect his threats may have on other people (it''s often a shock to them to realise this) and that he should make amends with your daughter.

In any case, she is not responsible for him and her actions should be for what is right for her.
 
Uppy--Your daughter sounds like a strong, intelligent young woman. You raised her well.

I agree that you two did everything right, and I''m so sorry your daughter is going through so much angst right now. I would do two things:
1) Call her school and ask to speak with the school social worker. Tell the social worker the situation, and ask her to schedule an appointment with your daughter.
2) Is your daughter close with any of her teachers? If so, call them. If not, does she have a homeroom teacher or counselor who will be with her for all four years of high school? If so, call that person. I''ve had a lot of parents call me to ask that I keep an extra eye out on their child for one reason or another. We see a lot of what''s going on that you may otherwise never hear about. It''s not a bad idea to have someone watching out for her at school.

I''m a former theatre major myself, so I don''t feel bad saying this: Theatre and show choir kids tend to be, as a group, the most dramatic bunch in the school. They have a lot of emotions, and they drum up a lot of drama. It''s not a bad thing, but just so you know this may not be the last of her peer-related dramas.

I hope her friend finds the help he needs to get well.

Big kudos to you for being such a good parent. And big kudos to your daughter for being such a good friend.
 
Your daughter has such a good head on her shoulders. What she did takes a lot of courage - you must be so proud of her.

Something similar happened to me when I was in school as well - a friend of mine was threatening to commit suicide. I wasn''t actually even going to take her call, I had a major exam the next day so I had turned off my phone. My mum didn''t know, and passed the phone to me when she called the home phone. Anyways, after over an hour or so of me trying to talk her down, I finally called 911. She was so upset at me, she never spoke to me again. That said, she made it through school with a LOT of counseling (since I called her parents too and they took over after the cops left) - she''s now finishing up her MBA. Imagine, at one point she didn''t have the strength to continue living...and look at her now, living a happy and content life.

You never know what the future holds for you, I wish I could tell the boy that there is life beyond high school, and he just needs to wait for all the good things to come.
 
Clearly this boy needs counceling. Unfortunetly, he''s emotionally abusing your daughter. Sounds like she''s stuck because if she were to take a break from him, he may threaten suicide again. But, if she remains friends with him, he may take every bad situation out on her. Guess there is no winning either way.

Sorry your daughter is going through this. Hope all works out in a positive way.
 
Thank you all, so much, for your support! Erin received a text this morning from the boy''s mother (who by the way is a social worker licensed for family therapy). She asked that Erin keep this confidential (which we had talked about anyway this morning) because her son is very embarassed. I convinced her not to make any decisions or changes regarding the boyfriend right now, and she seems to agree with that. Since I also work at her school, I saw her this morning and she seems much better with the light of day, and the reassuring text from the mom.

I may have her read your responses this afternoon because I think they may help her see the bigger picture here. I''m so glad I have this group for support and perspective!! Thank you again!
 
My DD is a junior in hs and will be 17 in a couple of weeks. I never imagined being a teenager today would be so hard. I remember my teen years and never experienced some of the things my DD has gone though.

Her best friend tried to commit suicide this past summer. The girl now attends school (she was home schooled for the last 2 months of school) and is in Emotional Support classes . We knew something was wrong and assumed she was having panic attacks and her mother never said anything to anyone as to what was going on with her daughter. Her daughter one day called me on the phone begging for me to come get her and bring her back to our house. She scared me and when I got a hold of her mother ,she blew it off saying that her daughter does this all the time and she''ll be fine later. When I found out that she tried to commit suicide I felt so bad. Why couldn''t I get through to her mother. When school started this fall my DD had lunch with her one day (not her nornal lunch time) and that is when the girl told her the reason she was in a psychiatric hospital. When my DD came home and told me this I was shocked. She said her friend said it like it was nothing and then told her that she is closely watched because she also cuts herself. Two weeks later DD informs me of a boy in her class who tried to kill himself by jumping out a 2nd story window. She has known this boy since 1st grade.

DD herself had some anxiety issues last year but it seems that she is over this now. Not to mention how I hear all her friends complaining they have no time to chill because of the school load and all the volunteering they need to do, PSATs, SATs, ACT, AP tests etc. Being accepted socially I believe is the hardest thing kids have to go through. This is the time they need their parents as well as their friends. She has given up some friends because she claims they have started to drink and do drugs and a girlfriend of hers to get accepted has started giving oral sex to boys.

Upgradable, you are there for your daughter and even though our kids are getting older and becoming more independent this is the time they need you the most. You being there is the greatest help you can give her.
 
A situation like that is so scary and so sad. I''m glad things are being looked at with clearer eyes today by the kids.
 
your daughter should definately not break up because of the suicide threat. It wont solve the gay friends issues, it will only make him use this threat more. Without going into specifics, lets just say I have experience with gay friends in teenage years who threaten all sorts of stuff, if it is real - it needs treatment, if it is not, you cant let them manipulate you.

Teenage years are filled with angst and uncertainty, it needs to be dealt with, not re-enforeced. She shouldnt stop seeing her boyfriend because of this, it wont help the gay friend in the long term.

good luck, your poor daughter.
 
Oh gosh , what an ordeal your daughter has been through. I hope she doesn''t break up with her boyfriend, that''s not going to solve anything. Her friend who just came out, is having such a hard time. Is there a good time?? Gosh it''s such a hard thing to do, and if you don''t have friends and family to support you, you feel so alone. Your daughter has been an amazing friend to him. The suicide threats, are serious and to be taken seriously. My god son tried to commit suicide , he''s gay and was having a really hard time with it.

Keep the dialogue going with your daughter, she sounds like an amazing young woman. Tell her how proud you are of her.

Kids at this age feel so intensly. Hard to explain, but they don''t see the long term picture. That''s why everything is so desperate.

I have been down a very rough road with my god son and his mother.

I wish your daughter all the best. She''s a great girl, and should have some happiness with a new love!!!
 
Wow, this is really intense...esspecially for a 15 year old little girl
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I would suggest that you speak with this boys mother...not via text, but good, old fashion Mom-to-Mom. Your daughter, while she''s his friend, has to come first--and her being subjected to suicidal texting is beyond the "normal" things she has to deal with. She''ll always remember this, and how you handle this will forever stay with her. I think you need to tell this boys mother that you think he needs help and in no uncertain terms tell her your daughter isn''t capable of shouldering that sort of responsibility. I understand he''s embarassed...but there is a lot at stake here...suicide is no joke, it''s an epidemic amongst gay youth--those feelings of isolation, they drive kids to the brink and over the edge all the time. This may start with the fact that your daughter is seeing the boy...but it goes deeper and this is just the first of many times he''ll be faced with being "alone". Maybe you could research and suggest a good gay youth group where he can meet likeminded boys his own age that are sharing in his experience.

When I was 15, my very good friend was a homosexual male. He didn''t come out until he was 18...but I know how difficult it was to balance a "normal friendship" with the changes he was going through--even a few years older and more capiable, it was hard. Yes, as a friend you feel a certian level of responsibility for their happiness and that can be heavy. I think following Haven''s suggestion to get in touch with the school social worker is great step in helping your daughter process the whole event and move forward. You don''t want her feeling guilt over this incident...it''s not her fault and nothing she could control. You want her to learn how to balance her wants/needs with those of the people around her.

And, by the way, I''m slightly annoyed with this boy''s mom. I really feel like she shouldn''t be filtering things through your daughter...telling her how to go about handling this situation. I think updating your daughter, letting her know he''s fine is one thing...but thats where it should stop...she shouldn''t be telling your daughter to not talk about it--talking is healing.
 
Talk may be healing, but I agree with the boy''s mom that it''s not out of line to request that this incident be kept in confidence. She didn''t ask your daughter not to discuss it with you as her parents, she asked her not to gossip about it. Perfectly normal IMO.

FWIW, this sort of stuff was going on when I was in high school 69'' to 71''. It''s not a new thing. One of my close friends did attempt suicide when her policeman father had a conniption that she was intimate with her BF at 17. He was going to prosecute the boy for statutory rape. Sigh. She spent two weeks in the hospital and was pretty messed up for years.

Teenage = drama. Period.
 
I agree that she shouldn''t break up with the boy. Even if she did it is not as if all of a sudden he will decide that he is gay. Beaking up with him will not solve anything.

It is true that a fresh day brings new perspective. There were times in my teenage years when I nearly lost my mind up at night letting my mind run amuck and then in the morning when I had slept on it my mind was 100% more clear. Clearly if this boy is thinkink that deeply about suicide then he needs to get help, but I do not think that there is going to be a repeat incident.

Suicide is such a scary thing, I have actually known people that have commited suicide and people that threaten with it. What I have found is that when people really are set on taking their lives they just do it. The point in calling/texting someone to tell them what they plan to do is a subconsious way of preventing death. They know that the person they are contacting will do something and that the police/ambulance will be on the way before they do enough damage to fataly harm themselves.
 
I have a 15 year old daughter as well and when she was about 13 she had a friend who was pulling the same sort of emotional hostage taking thing and I talked to her and told her if she EVER made any statement like that again I was going to turn it over to the authorities. What she was doing was less serious - she was being melodramatic but that''s not cool. Your daughter''s friend is in a much more vulnerable position and he needs some real help. I would contact the school and let them know what is going on - if his parents won''t help him maybe the school will. See what your daughter thinks.
 
I was thinking of you and your daughter today. I hope things are a little better. I agree with the suggestions to talk to the boy''s mom... I would really want to make sure that he is getting the help he needs.
 
Date: 11/24/2009 12:45:57 PM
Author: radiantquest
Suicide is such a scary thing, I have actually known people that have commited suicide and people that threaten with it. What I have found is that when people really are set on taking their lives they just do it. The point in calling/texting someone to tell them what they plan to do is a subconsious way of preventing death. They know that the person they are contacting will do something and that the police/ambulance will be on the way before they do enough damage to fataly harm themselves.
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I think this is a potentially dangerous perspective to have. In my few years as a teacher I''ve seen six suicides, and the professionals who come in to debrief and educate us after this happens always make sure to tell us that every.single.mention of a suicide is a serious thing, and should be taken seriously. And, most importantly, that you should NEVER assume a suicide threat is just a cry for help.

The last two boys who committed suicide in my former school both text messaged their best friends shortly before they did it. Both killed themselves.

I''m just posting this because I think it''s important that everyone take every suicide threat seriously. Apparently, a lot of suicide threats are ignored because people think the individual is just begging for attention, and that is rarely the case (according to the pros whose workshops I''ve taken, at least.)

I''m sorry you''ve lost people to suicide. So have I, it''s a horrible, horrible thing.
 
I''m glad the boy''s mom seems on top of it. Am surprised ANYONE makes it through their teenage years without having at least one friend threaten suicide. Agree: teenage=DRAMZ. However, these kinds of threats & acting out do offer extremely helpful insight into what''s going on inside of these perplexing characters. She heard the cry for help & you acted on it. There are teaching tools here you can use to make sense of incident and put it in perspective for her. If she''s unduly troubled by it going forward ... couple of appointments at a therapist?
 
Date: 11/24/2009 4:40:44 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 11/24/2009 12:45:57 PM
Author: radiantquest
Suicide is such a scary thing, I have actually known people that have commited suicide and people that threaten with it. What I have found is that when people really are set on taking their lives they just do it. The point in calling/texting someone to tell them what they plan to do is a subconsious way of preventing death. They know that the person they are contacting will do something and that the police/ambulance will be on the way before they do enough damage to fataly harm themselves.
Click to expand...
I think this is a potentially dangerous perspective to have. In my few years as a teacher I''ve seen six suicides, and the professionals who come in to debrief and educate us after this happens always make sure to tell us that every.single.mention of a suicide is a serious thing, and should be taken seriously. And, most importantly, that you should NEVER assume a suicide threat is just a cry for help.

The last two boys who committed suicide in my former school both text messaged their best friends shortly before they did it. Both killed themselves.

I''m just posting this because I think it''s important that everyone take every suicide threat seriously. Apparently, a lot of suicide threats are ignored because people think the individual is just begging for attention, and that is rarely the case (according to the pros whose workshops I''ve taken, at least.)

I''m sorry you''ve lost people to suicide. So have I, it''s a horrible, horrible thing.
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I agree that even a mention of commiting suicide should be taken seriously. In no way in my prior post did I mean that a suicide call should be ignored. That was just my experience. Both of the people that I knew that took their lives never told anyone about their plans and the people that talked about it are still alive.
 
Wow, heavy stuff for a young teen. I remember when my daughter found out her best friend and boy that she liked was gay. I think that deep inside she knew he was, but this is such a minor issue to deal with than what Erin is going through.

I have no words of wisdom, because my Dad was gay and he tried to commit suicide on three occasions. It''s soooooo hard even in current times. I can''t imagine what it was like for my Dad coming out in the early 60''s.

It is so tragic that this young boy is causing such an emotional toll on your daughter. Just a shame. She''s lucky she has such a wonderful Mom. My thoughts are with all of you.
 
At that age, it''s hard to separate what''s true and what''s not. She feels like the responsibility is on her shoulders and we all know it isn''t. She hasn''t done a thing wrong - and neither has her boyfriend. I feel sorry for her friend who has just come out as gay. However, part of being gay means knowing who is interested in you and who isn''t. Pinning his hopes on someone that doesn''t share his persuasion is not your daughter''s fault or her boyfriend''s. I hope she can sort through this and finally come to this realization. I think she will - she sounds like a well grounded young woman. Changing their behaviors won''t really help her other friend cope any better. Hopefully with his mother in the health work field, she will get him some counseling to work through this stage of his life. It can''t be easy - being a teenager is hard enough without this added layer.

Best wishes to you - hang in there with your daughter. Sounds like you are on top of the situation and handling it no different than many of us would. I don''t miss the teenage days - so much drama! However, just like having toddlers, that stage passes too!
 
Hi, Upgradable-

I concur with everyone else: Erin sounds really emotionally healthy (which means that you are both lucky and a good mother). She handled a difficult situation well, as did you. I hope that her friend gets enough help and support so that he can get through his adolescence without committing suicide. It is a terribly hard time of life! I wish Erin and her friend and her boyfriend the best of luck.

AGBF
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