Home What helps you make big decisions?

[princesss]

Threadjack:

EBree, you''re coming to NC? That''s fantastic! Do you mind sharing what part? (Even just generally - coast, mountains, triangle, Charlotte...

)


Zoe, it''s really not a fun thing to try to decide. We''ve been going back and forth, and slowly I''m leaning more towards staying a little longer, but it''s because we''ve finally started to find a community. I think that''s key - it''s what you miss most when you leave a place, and it''s the thing that comes slowest when you start someplace new.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 4:08:29 PM
Author: luckystar112
Zoe, I''m biased (

), but I''d pick the seacoast NH town.
I''m like you in that I feel like I *need* the ocean and a close social circle. I have neither where I am right now, and I would jump at the opportunity to get it!

My second choice would be moving to Wilmington.

Thanks for the vote Lucky! Of course I knew what option you''d choose.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 3:46:14 PM
Author: EBree
I feel your pain, zoe. My husband and I had to make a similar decision recently as well, since we aren''t completely happy with where we live. We miss having family around, but don''t want to return to our home state. Oddly enough, we''ve chosen NC! So if you leave, I''ll replace you so the state won''t lose a PSer.

Would I be correct if I said that the idea of ''spreading your wings'' is more important to your mother than to you? I could be wrong, but that''s what it sounds like. And if it''s true, I wouldn''t factor it into your decision-making process, seeing as it''s hard enough. Some people are born without the ''nomadic gene'' and are more comfortable in one place, around family. I''m the oddball in that I LOVE to move around, but the rest of my family lives in one state...half in one city, half in another. They''re happy where they are and with what''s familiar, and there''s nothing wrong with that.

Princesss mentioned applying for jobs to see what come back before deciding, and I think it''s a great idea. You or (ideally, AND!) your husband having a job before you move would eliminate a lot of the ''hows'' and ''what ifs...'' As someone who moved to a new area without a job, it was extra stress I didn''t need.

Of your four choices, I think option #2 sounds like the best idea IF your husband can find a job with a reasonable commute. It sounds like it has almost everything you want: it''s near family, friends AND the water, within a short driving distance of things to do, and familiar but not the ''same old'' to keep your husband happy.

The best of luck with your decision!

Thanks Ebree! I appreciate your advice! So you''re coming to NC?! That''s great! May I ask what part of the state? Of course, if you''d rather not say, I understand. Just curious!

And you''re correct in thinking that the notion of spreading our wings is more my mom''s idea than mine. It''s funny, I''m 36, but I still talk to my parents just about every other day, and I still ask for advice abut everything. I see her point, and I don''t want to live a sheltered life, by any means. New England is a SMALL part of the BIG country, and there''s a lot out there to see and do. I LOVE to explore and travel around, and I''ve had some amazing experiences. I just don''t feel the same need to move really far away in order to do that.

If we were to move back to our home state, my husband''s choice would be #2. I think if we move back, it might be my first choice because of all it has to offer. I just HATE the thought of offically leaving my former school once and for all.

It''s funny how much can change in a year''s time! A year ago I never would have thought that we''d be where we are right now.

 

[zoebartlett]

Princesss -- okay, where is this community?

So you said it was the community that made you and M. decide to stick it out longer. What exactly was it about this new-found community that made you put your plans to move away on hold?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn''t read all the responses but I know you are really torn on this issue. I wish I had some advice or wisdom for you. All I can say is I have learned when you don''t know what to do the best thing is to do nothing. Waiting is tough but better than making the wrong decision out of emotion or being rushed. As of right now you both have jobs, a place you like living and your condo rented out. That''s pretty good! Like Princesss said, 7 months is not a long time. I think you need to give it at least a year. Sorry you are unhappy here. Is there anything I can do?

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 5:18:12 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I didn''t read all the responses but I know you are really torn on this issue. I wish I had some advice or wisdom for you. All I can say is I have learned when you don''t know what to do the best thing is to do nothing. Waiting is tough but better than making the wrong decision out of emotion or being rushed. As of right now you both have jobs, a place you like living and your condo rented out. That''s pretty good! Like Princesss said, 7 months is not a long time. I think you need to give it at least a year. Sorry you are unhappy here. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks Tacori! We DO like Charlotte (really!), but it''s more that family and other friends aren''t here too (well, and our salaries took a dive). As far as jobs go, you know the story about why I hated my last job and really, the district as a whole (I don''t agree with the superintendent on MANY things). I know I''m generalizing, because I''m sure there are good schools in this district, but like I said, my view is colored. I feel as if my sucky job situation got in the way of me enjoying it here because I was miserable all the time. My job was ALL I thought about for a long time until I actully quit. Now that I''m in a better place, I may have missed out on some things. Huh.

We knew coming down here may mean that we might not return in a year''s time, but I guess I was holding on to that hope much tighter than I realized at times.

I''m not sure what you could do, but thanks for offering to help! Maybe I need to let go of my stong hold on my former school and moving back to that area and live with that idea for a bit. Then I''ll go through the other options the same way and see which one I''m most affected by.

Thanks again for your thoughts!

 

[princesss]

Well, it''s the job that made us stay here longer (2 promotions in a month and a half! I just can''t leave right now). It''s the community that''s making me think staying isn''t so horrible - that it could even be kind of good. Of course, this is assuming M gets a job or doesn''t end up in school in VA.

As far as where we found it - it''s Ultimate. I went for drinks with one of my teammates on Saturday, I run with another, we spent Christmas with another couple that plays...but it''s taken us a while to break in for a variety of reasons, but we''re solidly in it now. My team is quickly becoming a kind of family.

I think it''s different for me, though. I''m used to my family being spread out, so it''s just friends that really have a strong hold on me in VA, and I can make those anywhere! It just took revising my expectations and putting myself out there, and now I''ve got a great team, a solid community of people with common interests, and it''s made it much more bearable.

 

[yssie]

I'm a serial waffler.



I find that I can make all the lists in the world, have all the relevant conversations many times over, and I still won't know what to do. It's not until I commit to one course of action and take some step in that direction that I either feel relief or this gut-churning sense of 'wrongness', so... I'm learning to listen to said gut earlier in the process, even if it's telling me not to do the most logical thing.


Whatever you decide, you two are the ones who need to be happy with it, and it's easier to be happy with something you're happy about from the start, rather than trying to talk yourself into it, or trying to learn to love it, if that makes sense?

 

[E B]

Date: 1/18/2010 4:13:45 PM
Author: princesss

EBree, you're coming to NC? That's fantastic! Do you mind sharing what part? (Even just generally - coast, mountains, triangle, Charlotte...

)

The triangle area. We're pretty excited- less than two months until the big move!

As much as I love the NW, I miss sunshine during late fall, winter, and early spring.

 

[marcy]

That is a tough decision to make. I am like many here who say listen to your gut or maybe try to get in touch with your gut to see what it is telling you. I am a major waffler and worry about the unknown but once I get somewhere I usually enjoy myself and find things I like. Since you both have jobs and do like the area I would give it a chance for awhile to see where things end up.

 

[marcy]

Another idea I have is how we picked our car - I know a car is nothing like a major life decision but maybe the idea can help. We each got to pick 3 criteria that was important to us for our car - we coincidentally had it narrowed down to 4 cars. Each of us then rated the cars from 1 to 4 (4 being highest) for each criteria and the one that got the highest overall score won.

Also, if you can''t come up with a clear cut decision maybe that is your answer - it''s not time to make a change in your life right now. Good luck!

 

[crown1]

hi zoe! i had a thought i will offer for your consideration. have you considered that the teachers at your former school will slowly change and it will not feel the same. i believe you wrote that the principal has already changed while you are away. i find change difficult at times myself. i feel that it has in many ways held me back from having a fuller life. i am probably about your mother''s age and sense that she is urging you to take some more chances and experience more of life before coming back home. i, of course, have no idea which is best for you so won''t express an option. i just wanted you to consider that those 13 teachers may make changes in their lives that will change the work atmosphere back there. best of luck to you and your husband.

 

[lovelylulu]

zoe,

I went to college in the triangle area and like you, am absolutely smitten with the ocean - I have made many a trip to Wilmington and think that it is a lovely, lovely place. I always wanted to live by the water (grew up by the water), but it just hasn''t happened. yet.

My husband and I made the decision of where to live largely due to our individual career aspirations and to try to live somewhat near family. We needed to find a city where we could both thrive in our jobs and we both wanted to live within driving and not flying distance (albeit about 6 hours or so) to our families. We chose DC. Honestly, when I first moved here, I pretty much hated the city. Felt that way for a while, but it''s grown on me. I still do dream about waking up near the ocean though

I hope that you and your DH can sort out what''s most important to you both and what will make you happiest.

Good Luck!

 

[zoebartlett]

So, an update of sorts. My husband just got called by a recruiter for a job in Boston. Apparently the salary is great, as are the benefits, and she feels that my husband is the perfect candidate. It''s at a law firm, and my husband has experience working with a legal services agency. We''ll see what happens.


Princesss -- I thought Ultimate was what you were referring to! I''m glad you found something you love so much.

Yssie -- I agree, on paper, anything can seem like "the right" thing to do. After talking and analyzing and number crunching though, I feel like I end up back at square one (and a little confused!). What you said definitely makes sense. Thanks!

EBree -- That''s great that you''re moving here! Although we don''t live in the Triangle area, we''ve heard good things about it, and NC does have a lot to offer. The weather here is one of the best things about living in the south.

Marcy -- Huge worrier over here! We''re considering staying, but we''re also going to let things unfold a bit and see what, if anything, happens. Thanks for the suggestion to rate things. We actually do that all the time!

Hi Crown! Thanks so much! Your''re right in that my mom is encouraging us (me) to take more chances. My husband and my mom think that if we do return to that particular area and I go back to my old job, then I''ll NEVER want to leave again (meaning, looking elsewhere at some point in life wouldn''t happen). I don''t think I''m THAT attached, but maybe I am. You brought up a good point. My former coworkers and I were a real family of sorts, but yes, anything could happen over time. It''s something to think about. I appreciate that advice.

Thanks so much Lulu! I appreciate your thoughts. I always like learning about how people choose to live where they do.

 

[PinkTower]

Zoe,

I am not clear on why you moved to Charlotte? We are from NC, as were both our families, but from Raleigh and Eastern North Carolina. Raleigh is great; both our families had second homes at the coast, and it is close enough to go every weekend.
I may hear some dissent, but I do not care for Charlotte; I never have. I just do not like the location. Eastern North Carolina has a whole different feel--the state is over 500 miles across.

But, moving is so expensive. I think I would stay put for longer than seven months and look for jobs closer to the beach in the Carolinas or Georgia. We've been in Georgia ever since we got married, and absolutely love it.

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Pink Tower!

We moved to Charlotte when my husband got a job down here. After getting through two rounds of lay offs at his company in Boston, he was laid off a year ago in November. He looked around New England for something else for 6 months, and then we decided that he should extend his search. We chose NC because we had heard such great things about it, but we had never been. My husband got the first job he interviewed for in Charlotte, and he moved here 3 weeks later. I followed a month him here a month later, after my school year ended.

Thank you for your recommendation. We''re considering all options at this point, and we''re going to see what happens after my husband has his interview next week in Boston next week.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/18/2010 10:19:08 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Off topic but:
El -- I keep meaning to ask, what does your screen name mean? I''ve tried to figure it out and I have no idea.

Zoe, I just came back to this thread and noticed you had asked me a question! Sorry for taking forever

It''s a name from Lord of the Rings. In the book Elrond has two sons in addition to Arwen and one is named Elrohir (they got cut from the movie). I just took Elrohir and made it feminine by adding -wen to the end and got Elrohwen. It basically means Elvish horse rider/knight and since I ride horses, I thought that was appropriate.

I''m a huge Lord of the Rings dork!!