Home What helps you make big decisions?

[zoebartlett]

When you have to make a big decision, what helps you finally sway the vote one way or another? We have a big decision to make and we''re not sure how to make it. We''ve made pros and cons lists and talked about it ad nauseum, but we''re not getting anywhere. What helps you?

 

[jewelz617]

Would it help to get some unbiased opinions from family and friends?

 

[elrohwen]

I''m pretty good at trusting my gut. I''ll go over pros and cons, but at the end of the day I make the decision based on what I just feel is the best way to go. I can''t really explain it any better than that ... I usually have an easy time making decisions.

 

[Shoopy]

We usually step away from the scenario for a few days and come back to it. Sometimes we ask each other what our gut says. And if it''s just something we really can''t decide, we ask our friends/family for their opinion.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for chiming in PA, El, and Fiery!

PA -- I''ve asked my family and they say one thing. Some friends agree and some don''t.

El -- I stink at making decisions. I waver, toss and turn, my stomach gets tied in knots, I worry, etc. You get the picture.

Fiery -- I like the idea of stepping away from the situation. Our decision is sort of time-sensitive though, so we have to find a way to come to a decision within the next few months.



Off topic but:
El -- I keep meaning to ask, what does your screen name mean? I''ve tried to figure it out and I have no idea.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I do compulsive research

talk to DH

pray about it

and then trust my gut (which is usually based on the above

)

 

[Porridge]

My gut. Although sometimes if I''m really stuck I "provisionally" decide on one. So I think in my head "this is the decision I''m going with" and kind of "try it on for size" for a week or month or whatever.

For example choosing which degree to study (I was stuck between two choices) I provisionally chose one, in my head, and everything I did after that - planning holidays, things for the future etc, every little thing - was done with the idea that this would be the course, university and career I was choosing. It''s funny, the things you don''t think of that will be impacted by your choice. This method doesn''t really work for quick decisions though

 

[D&T]

yes, we do a big list of pros and cons, then an extensive spreadsheet on financials, then OCD on research, then we put it away for a little while. After a couple of weeks or months we revisit and if it makes sense, then we make the decisions, put a timeline and goal of when we make the big purchase, the big move, the big change, or whatever.

 

[Allison D.]

Zoe, I think I know what''s up for debate, so I guess I''d say this.

It can be hard to get impartial input from family because they have a vested interest in the outcome.

Once you''ve listed the pros and cons, I think you need to consider the emotional side of it too. Think back to how you felt when you choose your current conditions, and try to consider how that feels compared to now. What do you think will make you HAPPIEST long term? That''s really the key.....sometimes what looks best/smartest on paper isn''t necessarily smartest when you consider the emotions.

Which will ultimately make you both HAPPIER? If the happier thing will be a bit more of a struggle, will it be worth it to you? If you choose to stick with what you have now, is it something you think you''ll regret down the line?

 

[zoebartlett]

Here''s our situation. Sorry it’s so long! Believe it or not, this is the short version. There are four options we have, and I’ve divided it into two posts, for easier reading.

We moved to the south out of necessity (my husband lost his job in the northeast and when he got this one, we knew we had to move). We''re considering moving again though, and we have a few options.

1. Return to the part of New England where we lived before moving down here. Pros: My parents live there (they may decide to move someday, but that’s not definite). We could move back into the condo that we own. I could return to my old position at a school that I love. It’s a guaranteed job for me. The school is a great, supportive community in a small picturesque town. I’ve made some great friends over the years at this school, and they’d be close by. Salary would be higher than if we stayed here. It’s a safe option (for me). Cons: The town I''d be working in is somewhat out of the way, and our options of where to live (if we didn''t move back into our condo) would be limited somewhat. My husband doesn’t want to return to our condo. We have a great tenant who’s done a lot to improve the place, and she may want to buy it someday. Why kick her out? Job prospects for my husband aren’t that great. The best offers would be in Boston, 1+ hour away. My husband doesn’t want a long commute. The COL is higher in NE. We wouldn’t be “spreading our wings” as my mom puts it. She’d love to see us live elsewhere for a few years before thinking about moving back. It’s not on the water (about an hour away). I feel like I''d be disappointing my husband, who doesn''t really want to move to back to the "same old things." He says I wouldn''t be, but I can''t help but think that I''d do this.

2. Move to the seacoast area of our former state. Pros: My husband’s whole family is there. It has a lot to offer in terms of things to do. It’s within one hour’s drive to Boston and Portland, Maine, approx. 1.5 hrs. away from the mountains. We used to live there so we’re familiar with the area. Job prospects for my husband could be good because of its proximity to the cities I mentioned. It’s a beautiful area. Again, salaries would be higher than if we stayed here. We’d be relatively close to a few friends. It’s a safe option. Cons: He may end up having a long commute. Again, the COL is higher in NE. Again, the “spreading our wings” comment written above would still apply.

 

[zoebartlett]

3. Move to the Wilmington, NC, area. Pros: It’s something new. It’s on the water (which my husband and I LOVE). It has a lot to do for a medium/big city. It’s a pretty area, and there’s a college there, which appeals to me (I like college towns). Cons: it’s an unknown (and I hate change). The closest city is Raleigh but it’s 2 hours away, and we don’t know what Raleigh has to offer (plays, concerts, shopping, etc.). We don’t know about job prospects for either one of us. I’ve heard that other than Wilmington itself, the area is pretty remote.

4. Stay in Charlotte, NC. Pros: I don’t think I’d have a problem finding a regular FT job next year (I’m working as an interim teacher right now). It would be a long commute for me, but I’d deal. My husband already has a job, although he keeps an eye out for other things occasionally. It’s a pretty area with things to do. Tacori and Princesss are here! Cons: It’s not near the water. The downtown area is more business-centered as opposed to tourist centered. I’m used to Boston which is very different. We haven’t gotten to know many people, and a social circle is important to me.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 10:57:39 AM
Author: D&T
yes, we do a big list of pros and cons, then an extensive spreadsheet on financials, then OCD on research, then we put it away for a little while. After a couple of weeks or months we revisit and if it makes sense, then we make the decisions, put a timeline and goal of when we make the big purchase, the big move, the big change, or whatever.

D&T (I love your new av. byt he way!) -- we do spreadsheets and OCD on research also.

I think a huge problem for me is that I''m so resistent to change that I may be missing out on something if I don''t explore. I love traveling and seeing new things, but I think you can experience new adventures without necessarily picking up and moving. Ack! So much to think about.

Also, I know this is a hugely self-centered post. I feel funny about that, but I needed to get my thoughts out. If you got through my ramblings, THANK YOU!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 11:43:46 AM
Author: Allison D.
Zoe, I think I know what''s up for debate, so I guess I''d say this.

It can be hard to get impartial input from family because they have a vested interest in the outcome.

Once you''ve listed the pros and cons, I think you need to consider the emotional side of it too. Think back to how you felt when you choose your current conditions, and try to consider how that feels compared to now. What do you think will make you HAPPIEST long term? That''s really the key.....sometimes what looks best/smartest on paper isn''t necessarily smartest when you consider the emotions.

Which will ultimately make you both HAPPIER? If the happier thing will be a bit more of a struggle, will it be worth it to you? If you choose to stick with what you have now, is it something you think you''ll regret down the line?

Hi Alj! Hey, are you around today? If so, I''ll give you a ring later this afternoon.

Thanks for your thoughts. I didn''t mean to sound so secretive -- it just took a while to get my thoughts out. Now that you mention it though, there is another big decision to make (that you may be referring to) but that''s being tabled until this one is figured out.

Actually though, either one could look good on paper, but once emotions come into play, it gets harder to know for sure whether you''re doing the "right" thing.

 

[princesss]

Zoe, you guys are in a tough spot. I''m a wait it out type. You know M and I are not thrilled being here, but it''s getting easier. We''re coming up on two years and it''s not nearly as bad as it was. I''d give it one more year (and this is strictly if it were me). Moving is hard, and it takes much longer to really get used to a place than we want it to. Building community is tough, especially when you''ve got a ready-made one you can go back to and really miss.

What about applying to multiple places and seeing what your options are? Is that a possibility? It could at least narrow down your list.

 

[decodelighted]

Few questions:

1) How long have you been in NC?

2) How long have you lived away from your "home area" ever?

3) Why is the "by water" thing so important to you both -- sport? comfort?

________________

In regards to making big decisions -- I guess in the old days I''d just listen to my gut. I''ve been pretty daring when it comes to moves, job switches etc in the past ... in search of the great adventure of life & trying out a bunch of stuff when you''re able to. Now that I''m w/DH (and older) we make our decisions together. Research ... discussions ... a lot of times its "who wants it more", or who is it more important to kind of thing. And many times its been pure pragmatism. i.e. Must take this job because we need the $$ despite the long commute.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks so much for replying Bella, Porridge, Princesss, and Deco.

Princesss -- I know we''ve talked about this before in person. We do like it here but we love being closer to the water (and in NH, since it''s a much smaller state, it''s easily doable whereas here, it''s a LONG drive to the coast). We could give it another year and then reevaluate, and that would make sense. I don''t want to make hasty decisions, but if I plan on returning to my old job, I have to let them know by April 1st. I could say yes, sign my contract (I''d buy more time to thinkk if I did that), and then back out later if needed, but I don''t want to burn any bridges. In such a small school district, it''s much more noticeable. One thing is that my view is kind of clouded over because of the job I first had and the horrible experience I had. It''s not fair but it''s also hard to ignore.

My mom and I talk all the time (and she''s actually an administrator in the district I may return to), and she actually said that she wishes I DIDN''T have a job to go back to because I could be using it as a crutch. Meaning, why try to like a new place and invest time getting to know it if I know I can return to something I''m familiar with in a year''s time? I''m NOT doing that, but I thought I''d throw her perspective out there.

I WISH I was better at this!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Zoe, what are the chances that another position would be available at your old district in a year or two if you decided you did want to move then? You'd probably be at the top of the heap when it comes to interviews/offers, right?

I've made important decisions both by carefully weighing all the options and by following my gut, and in my experience, the gut is a better guide. I once took a job I hated because I convinced myself that it made sense on paper.

If you want my two cents, I think I'd let the contract lapse and give Charlotte a little more time. You've still got your condo and positions will become available in your old district from time to time, so you can always revisit returning to NE at a later date. But it doesn't sound like you and your husband are both so sure that you want to return to that area that you'll want to deal with him not having a job or having to commute an hour yet. And the options of moving somewhere else where neither of you have jobs also sound like the kind of thing to try only when you're sure you want to leave Charlotte. If you're not sure, then give it a little more time and don't let the April 1 deadline cause you to make a decision before you're ready.

My friend is in the same boat right now -- she took a year off of teaching to have a baby and has to let them know shortly if she's returning. She's still undecided. She's not sure if she can afford to stay home indefinitely, and she doesn't want to give up her guaranteed position with the district (even though our dept. chair would hire her back in the future if we have an opening, and every year I've been there we've always had at least one). But on the other hand, she doesn't want to say, yes, she's coming back only to change her mind later and leave them with an unexpected opening later in the hiring season. Actually, I'm kind of in the same boat too since I'm considering staying home with our 3 month old and need to let them know at some point.

 

[zoebartlett]

Deco -- in answer to your questions:

1. We''ve lived here for 7 months.
2. My husband has never lived more than 45 minutes away from his hometown. I''ve never lived more than 1.5 hours away from mine (we grew up in the same state).
3. The whole "by the water" thing is important more for comfort and aesthetics than for sport. Neither one of us like feeling so landlocked here (even though this is a veery pretty city/area).

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/18/2010 12:45:22 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Deco -- in answer to your questions

1. We''ve lived here for 7 months.

2. My husband has never lived more than 45 minutes away from his hometown. I''ve never lived more than 1.5 hours away from mine (we grew up in the same state).

3. The whole ''by the water'' thing is important more for comfort and aesthetics than for sport. Neither one of us like feeling so landlocked here (even though this is a veery pretty city/area).

Thanks for the scoop. I grew up by the water and I totally know what you mean. Experienced the same thing my first time away from it -- but I will say that now I live 2hrs away from the coast and it doesn''t bother me much anymore. There are local rivers & ponds & lakes that can make up for the aesthetics & there are MOUNTAINS -- which I *didn''t* have growing up & now adore. Believe its advisable to live in many different types of locations because you never really know what will "stick". What you''re used to & what you THINK you like isn''t always the final choice -- if you open yourself up to other options.

Re: 7 months. Seems short. If you''d said 1 1/2 years or 2 years -- that''s a good amount of time to know if a place clicks. If you were both MISERABLE and totally hating it ... maybe. But I have a hunch you just haven''t found your people yet ... or the really good stuff. When there''s stuff you DO like you miss the stuff you don''t have much less (water).

Two of my siblings just moved FAR away from home for the first time. Other side of the country far. One moved back after 2 years -- knowing she wanted to be close to home (mostly for babysitting & being close to relatives & Lower COL). The other is just moving cities in their new state. And that one even has mixed feelings about it now because they just started discovering the best parts of their first town after deciding to move to the 2nd. 1 1/2 years in! It had just started feeling like "home". Also think their situations have to do with life stage. One has young kids nearing school age. One is single & fancy free.

That''s the other factor for you too. NOW is the best time to be AWAY from home. Before you have kids -- or even right up until they are school age.

Have you figured out the cost of moving? $$/time/effort etc. That might make me more hesitant to move within the state just for a more scenic view. Would NOT do it unless I was committed to being there for at least TWO years. JMHO.

Remember, nothing''s permanent. Even if you''re not optimally happy every minute - you''re still gaining experiences that will last a lifetime & inform the rest of your life. Change is hard. Good luck with the decision!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 12:42:55 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Zoe, what are the chances that another position would be available at your old district in a year or two if you decided you did want to move then? You''d probably be at the top of the heap when it comes to interviews/offers, right?

I''ve made important decisions both by carefully weighing all the options and by following my gut, and in my experience, the gut is a better guide. I once took a job I hated because I convinced myself that it made sense on paper.

If you want my two cents, I think I''d let the contract lapse and give Charlotte a little more time. You''ve still got your condo and positions will become available in your old district from time to time, so you can always revisit returning to NE at a later date. But it doesn''t sound like you and your husband are both so sure that you want to return to that area that you''ll want to deal with him not having a job or having to commute an hour yet. And the options of moving somewhere else where neither of you have jobs also sound like the kind of thing to try only when you''re sure you want to leave Charlotte. If you''re not sure, then give it a little more time and don''t let the April 1 deadline cause you to make a decision before you''re ready.

My friend is in the same boat right now -- she took a year off of teaching to have a baby and has to let them know shortly if she''s returning. She''s still undecided. She''s not sure if she can afford to stay home indefinitely, and she doesn''t want to give up her guaranteed position with the district (even though our dept. chair would hire her back in the future if we have an opening, and every year I''ve been there we''ve always had at least one). But on the other hand, she doesn''t want to say, yes, she''s coming back only to change her mind later and leave them with an unexpected opening later in the hiring season. Actually, I''m kind of in the same boat too since I''m considering staying home with our 3 month old and need to let them know at some point.

Thanks for your thoughts PG! There are only 13 classroom teachers at my old school, so positions only come about periodically. I''d hope is that if I gave up my job now and then wanted to apply for it in the future, I''d be in good standing. The principal is new this year though, so I''ve never worked for her. I don''t have a history with her, so I don''t know if she''d see me as being much different than anyone else applying (although I did work there for 4 years). The staff is amazing though, and I''ve become friends with many teachers. I think I''d have their support if I did choose not to renew my contract and wanted to return at a later time.

If I forget about the job situation and JUST focus on the area, we''d either move to Wilmington or we''d move to the seacoast of our homestate. The latter optio would win based on proximity to family and friends, and the knowledge that there is definitely a lot to do within an hours drive. There could be a lot to do near Wilmington but I''m not sure. There may not be. We need to do more research on that area of our new state.

I feel for your friend (and you too!). By the way, I lurk on the mommy threads, and I love reading about your little one. It''s not an easy decision to make. I wish I was able to go with the flow more easily, but I always overanalyse things to death.

Thanks again for your insight. I really appreciate it!

 

[Mara]

ZB... i didn''t read your entire dilemma with details but i just wanted to chime in and say that for something big like moving i would go with what feels right in your gut. it is easy to make lists with pros and cons, but i think that we all tend to know INSIDE what we want to do. lists just make it easier (or harder) at times to do what you either want to or don''t want to do. justification if you will. living somewhere has a lot to do with being HAPPY... and i think you guys prob have a gut instinct telling you something, but maybe it''s going against what others are saying OR what sounds like might be more rational. but you don''t end up HAPPY with lists saying you should make THIS decision. in something like where to live/move/work for a period of time, i''d go with your gut.

 

[Sabine]

Sorry to add more questions for ya, but I don''t remember what your stance is on children. Are you and your dh planning on having them, just waiting to see what happens, or choosing not have any?

As someone who just had a baby in a new area where I didn''t have any friends and family, I can say that that is not ideal. If kids are at all in the picture in the near future, I would choose either option 1 or 2. And just personally, as someone else who misses her family terribly and does NOT like change either, I would choose option 1.

As for your original question, in all honestly, lately if I''m having a REALLY hard time making a decision, I end up leaving it up to chance in a way. Like I''d pin the decision on the outcome of something I can''t control (say your dh appplies for a job...if he gets it, we move. If he doesn''t, we stay). Probably not the best way to make a decision, but when you really can''t decide for all the logical reasons and your gut isn''t telling you anything clear, it works as a last resort.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 1/18/2010 11:58:53 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Hi Alj! Hey, are you around today? If so, I''ll give you a ring later this afternoon.

Thanks for your thoughts. I didn''t mean to sound so secretive -- it just took a while to get my thoughts out. Now that you mention it though, there is another big decision to make (that you may be referring to) but that''s being tabled until this one is figured out.

Actually though, either one could look good on paper, but once emotions come into play, it gets harder to know for sure whether you''re doing the ''right'' thing.

Zoe, yes I am around today - we have the day off in observance of the holiday, so I''m happy to hear from you! I"m fairly certain you still have my #.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 1:39:19 PM
Author: Mara
ZB... i didn''t read your entire dilemma with details but i just wanted to chime in and say that for something big like moving i would go with what feels right in your gut. it is easy to make lists with pros and cons, but i think that we all tend to know INSIDE what we want to do. lists just make it easier (or harder) at times to do what you either want to or don''t want to do. justification if you will. living somewhere has a lot to do with being HAPPY... and i think you guys prob have a gut instinct telling you something, but maybe it''s going against what others are saying OR what sounds like might be more rational. but you don''t end up HAPPY with lists saying you should make THIS decision. in something like where to live/move/work for a period of time, i''d go with your gut.

Thanks for chiming in Mara! I''d go with my gut if I knew what it was saying. I''ll have to listen harder.

I''ve always played it relatively safe, and moving this far away is one of, if not THE, biggest things I''ve done. My sister graduated college and moved across the country with her boyfriend (now husband) to start a theater company. She''s always had a clear sense of what she wanted and she went after it. I get wishy-washy and scared.

I think what''s bugging me is that I''m not an "out of the box" thinker, and this is an out of the box situation. I''m not a risk taker and I like things to be wrapped up all neatly where I can make sense of them. My husband isn''t as dependednt on a place making him happy as I am. He doesn''t have emotional attachments to a place. I do though.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 1:39:47 PM
Author: Sabine
Sorry to add more questions for ya, but I don''t remember what your stance is on children. Are you and your dh planning on having them, just waiting to see what happens, or choosing not have any?

As someone who just had a baby in a new area where I didn''t have any friends and family, I can say that that is not ideal. If kids are at all in the picture in the near future, I would choose either option 1 or 2. And just personally, as someone else who misses her family terribly and does NOT like change either, I would choose option 1.

As for your original question, in all honestly, lately if I''m having a REALLY hard time making a decision, I end up leaving it up to chance in a way. Like I''d pin the decision on the outcome of something I can''t control (say your dh appplies for a job...if he gets it, we move. If he doesn''t, we stay). Probably not the best way to make a decision, but when you really can''t decide for all the logical reasons and your gut isn''t telling you anything clear, it works as a last resort.

Hi Sabine! We''d love to have kids but we''re not totally sure that it will happen. I definitely get what you mean about your last few sentences.

We may both to apply for jobs in both states and see what happens (this is what Princesss suggested). If it were just me, then I know what I''d do, most likely (option #1, with #2 coming in second). Since we''re kind of in this together though (and since my husband makes more money than me), I guess it may come down to where he gets an offer -- if we decide to leave Charlotte.

******************
Allison -- sorry that my phone died and our call got cut short. Our vacuum ate my charger (no, really!) too, so I''ll have to call you back another time though. It was great talking with you!

 

[Mara]

Zoe if your gut doesn''t seem to have a clear stance right now, that might BE the answer that it''s giving you.

I also over analyze data and many times come up with what my hub terms ''information paralysis''. Meaning I have so much info either way I can''t make a decision.

I sympathize with you because we have been talking about moving out of this area for YEARS. But we''re still here. There are many reasons, but prob the biggest one is fear of change.

Sometimes I feel like if I was younger I would also be more of a risk-taker, but I really am just not a risk-taker. I also don''t like gambling haha.

You guys don''t have kids right? So you could move one place for a trial and if you don''t like it, move back or try something new. Also the areas that you are considering are all fairly closeby right? Our move is CA to East Coast which is SUPER intimidating to me but if it was like one state next to ours, I might not be as intimidated. Just some food for thought. Good luck!!

 

[E B]

I feel your pain, zoe. My husband and I had to make a similar decision recently as well, since we aren't completely happy with where we live. We miss having family around, but don't want to return to our home state. Oddly enough, we've chosen NC! So if you leave, I'll replace you so the state won't lose a PSer.

Would I be correct if I said that the idea of "spreading your wings" is more important to your mother than to you? I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like. And if it's true, I wouldn't factor it into your decision-making process, seeing as it's hard enough. Some people are born without the 'nomadic gene' and are more comfortable in one place, around family. I'm the oddball in that I LOVE to move around, but the rest of my family lives in one state...half in one city, half in another. They're happy where they are and with what's familiar, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Princesss mentioned applying for jobs to see what come back before deciding, and I think it's a great idea. You or (ideally, AND!) your husband having a job before you move would eliminate a lot of the "hows" and "what ifs..." As someone who moved to a new area without a job, it was extra stress I didn't need.

Of your four choices, I think option #2 sounds like the best idea IF your husband can find a job with a reasonable commute. It sounds like it has almost everything you want: it's near family, friends AND the water, within a short driving distance of things to do, and familiar but not the "same old" to keep your husband happy.

The best of luck with your decision!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/18/2010 3:38:19 PM
Author: Mara
Zoe if your gut doesn''t seem to have a clear stance right now, that might BE the answer that it''s giving you.

I also over analyze data and many times come up with what my hub terms ''information paralysis''. Meaning I have so much info either way I can''t make a decision.

I sympathize with you because we have been talking about moving out of this area for YEARS. But we''re still here. There are many reasons, but prob the biggest one is fear of change.

Sometimes I feel like if I was younger I would also be more of a risk-taker, but I really am just not a risk-taker. I also don''t like gambling haha.

You guys don''t have kids right? So you could move one place for a trial and if you don''t like it, move back or try something new. Also the areas that you are considering are all fairly closeby right? Our move is CA to East Coast which is SUPER intimidating to me but if it was like one state next to ours, I might not be as intimidated. Just some food for thought. Good luck!!

No kids yet. The areas of New England we''re considering are about 1-1.5 hours away from each other. One is on the coast, the other is in the south central part of our state. If we stay in NC, Charlotte (where we are now) is almost 4 hours away from the coast, where Wilmington is.

Thanks for the food for thought. We''ll definitely keep these things in mind.

 

[Mara]

oh the other thing i meant to say is that we actually took a scouting trip out to Raleigh about 3 years ago. it was so fun! that is one of the areas we are looking it, it was beautiful out there. anyway, why not take a wkd trip and check it out? that way you have more complete info.

 

[luckystar112]

Zoe, I''m biased (

), but I''d pick the seacoast NH town.
I''m like you in that I feel like I *need* the ocean and a close social circle. I have neither where I am right now, and I would jump at the opportunity to get it!

My second choice would be moving to Wilmington.