What do your parents ask you to do for them?

[amc80]

It seems all parents get to a point where they rely on their kids for something. For my mom, especially, it's mainly computer or cellphone stuff. The problem is she'll call me with a question regarding something that is probably really easy to fix, but not so easy without the device in front of me.

The other thing she asks for help on a lot is Excel. She works part time for an internet start-up (as an admin) and really doesn't have a good grasp on Excel, so all of those questions go to me. Last week she sent me a spreadsheet because she couldn't figure out the formula to subtract.

Anyone else get requests like this? I don't mind helping, but I wish my mom would realize that some things are really hard to fix unless it's right there for me to look at. I also wish she'd take a freakin' Excel class.

 

[Enerchi]

OMG! I'm *THAT* mom!!!

I do that kind of thing all the time- call my kids or DH when I can't figure out technology! (Sorry amc - you have provided me with another eye opening experience!)

 

[Kaleigh]

I am that mom too. I really don't ask for too much help as my kids are so busy working... But if it's a simple thing, I will send an email asking, how do I do this..

I am sure you get frustrated with these requests... I am frustrated with my lack of ability... Last thing I want to do is ask my tech savvy kids..

People of your age grew up with all of this and get it...

I am 50 and believe me, I am just happy my TV turns on and off without going through a million hoops....

It's insane...

I would treat your Mom to a session where you can go to her house and work out what she needs help with...

Yes over the phone, or email, not good for us...

You sound like a wonderful daughter...

 

[tyty333]

My parents are pretty computer suavy (Dad has PHD in CS) and physically in good shape...so they pretty much never
ask us to do anything. I'm usually calling them for things.

My in-laws always need my DH to come over to...
re-program the remote control
pay the bills
move these bricks that go around a tree (the tree keeps getting bigger and bigger...imagine that???)
change the filters in the vents
lift anything heavy

DH is really very good about it and takes it all in stride. Half the time they think its an emergency and when he gets
there its really nothing.

 

[Kaleigh]

And you sweet youngins, remember you will need help down the road. When I took care of my grandparents, it taught me a lot about what I would never ever ask my kids to do... Depends ( never ever)..

 

[mogster]

My mother asks me for help resolving stuff (e.g. calling her insurance or the bank or the county to report something or to ask a question) because she "can't speak English." Incidentally, while I was away at college, she managed just fine. I've seen her get a refund from an overcharge at the car dealership quicker than I could...

 

[zoebartlett]

My husband's parents ask him to help them with computer-related issues. My parents occasionally ask me (or us) to help clean out their basement and install the AC unit in an upstairs bedroom. Other than that, I was on "mom duty" when my mom was recovering from surgery last summer and fall and my dad was working.

 

[packrat]

Not much really. We offer a lot, but they decline. I think they just want to go to the casino and if we're out there helping, they can't. They live on a big acreage, so when they do want help w/something, it's not a 20 minute in and out thing..it's more like, 6 hours of pruning the lilac hedges (and that was w/SIX of us working), or spending three straight days pruning the honeysuckle bushes that grow past the field fence line so the farmer can get the machinery in there. Pruning about 300 evergreen/pine trees in the wind break and then hauling the branches across three acres of land to the brush pile to dry out so we can come back out and turn them into wood chips when they've dried. Thankfully none of it is stuff that needs to be done very often! They've taken out a lot of the flower beds too-we used to help maintain them now and again. Having 8,000 daffodils and tulips is gorgeous when they're all blooming but man oh man is it a chore when the blooms die.

A couple times when dads been gone on vacation we've spent the week out there helping mom do yard work or paint as a surprise for dad.

Sometimes when we go to Menards they'll have a list of things they want us to pick up for them, that kind of thing. They don't ask for much.

 

[amc80]

I would treat your Mom to a session where you can go to her house and work out what she needs help with...

They live 8+ hours away. And the problem is it's always something new/different. I really don't mind helping, it's just sometimes my hands are tied due to the distance.

Example- her iPod. Ugh, the damn ipod. There's a ton of music in her library that itune's cant find. I'll go through and clean it up or redirect where it's looking or whatever. Next visit, same problem, new music that can't be found. Finally I figured out that she's been plugging her ipod into her friends' computers (or their ipods into hers) thinking you can just grab music that way. Ummmm nope.

Oh, and poor DH. He's 6'7", so whenever we visit my mom puts him to work with all the "tall" jobs...changing light bulbs, putting stuff in the attic, etc. Luckily he thinks it's funny.

Honestly, though, all of this is only mildly annoying compared to the Excel questions. It would be one thing if it was for her own use, but when she keeps asking me questions for work that she's being paid to do? That's annoying. I've tried to tell her that nobody taught me Excel- I've learned by doing, trial and error, and google, and I know she's fully capable of doing the same.

 

[Maisie]

I think i'm lucky that my mother never asks me to do a single thing for her. I think that would be different if she didn't have her husband though!

 

[Haven]

My parents are both technology gurus so I'm usually the one asking THEM for computer help.

My mom asks us to do a lot of things, especially now that my parents are divorced and she lives on her own.

Drive to her house to let the dogs out and feed them, esp. when she's out of town but even when she's just at work and she was too lazy to get them to go out that morning. We live 30 mins away from each other, so going over there four times a day when she's out of town is kind of a huge pain--that is four hours of driving a day!

If we're going to the same family event she always wants us to drive to her home to pick her up first. Most of these events are very close to our house, so again that's a half hour to get her and then a half hour to back track back to our house. She is young (55) and able-bodied, so I don't really know what the deal is with this. Once we were going somewhere and the place was literally ten minutes south of my house, so forty minutes from her house. She threw a fit that I didn't want to go pick her up, and said she would drive but wouldn't come to my house, I'd have to meet her in the parking lot of a bookstore that is a five-minute walk from where I live. She left her car in that parking lot, and got into mine. It's kind of pathologically strange, this whole thing she does.

DH goes over to her house to do a lot of little house things--hang up pictures, check broken faucets, replace lightbulbs. All that stuff. She has the money to pay someone but just doesn't want to. My husband doesn't mind doing the little things for her.

My mom decides to host little get-togethers and then she expects me to help her with the food, cleaning prep, and clean-up for them. These are things for her friends, mind you, not for our family or anything. I think this is rude and I recently stopped doing it. I don't like allowing other people to decide how to spend my money for me.

My dad doesn't ask us to do anything for him but he does ask us for money. We aren't comfortable giving him money for several reasons, but we do give him items that we no longer need so he can sell them. And we often take him out to dinner when we get together.

My FIL is a totally different story. He's 70 but he still thinks he can do everything on his own. He CAN, mostly, but not everything. We'll go to his house and find him up on the roof checking things out, all alone, nobody around to hear if he falls off. Just recently he was in one of the buildings he owns in a not-so-great part of the city and there was a teenager in the basement trying to steal coins from the laundry machines. The man grabbed a crow bar and chased this teenager out of the basement and down the street. When he told us the story we were like, "Dad! You have no idea who that kid is, he could have had a gun!" (This is Chicago, violent crime is not unheard of here, and definitely not in this particular area.) We are constantly asking him to stop doing crazy things, to let us help, and he refuses. I think he thinks he's still 30. Just the other day we heard him telling someone he's never been healthier. He had heart surgery three years ago and a kidney transplant two years ago! OY!

 

[Haven]

Oh, and poor DH. He's 6'7", so whenever we visit my mom puts him to work with all the "tall" jobs...changing light bulbs, putting stuff in the attic, etc. Luckily he thinks it's funny.

Honestly, though, all of this is only mildly annoying compared to the Excel questions. It would be one thing if it was for her own use, but when she keeps asking me questions for work that she's being paid to do? That's annoying. I've tried to tell her that nobody taught me Excel- I've learned by doing, trial and error, and google, and I know she's fully capable of doing the same.

This made me laugh because I'm only 5'10", but my mom always has a list of things she needs me to get down for her when I come over. She's like 5'5" or 5'6", so not that much shorter, but it's funny. She'll say, "I think I have another thing of honey up there, but I can't see it."

The computer stuff would bother me in this case because she's taken on a job that she's either incapable of doing well, or refusing to learn to do well. I totally understand your annoyance. We bought my grandmother a Mac years ago, and she was hopeless with it for a while, but it was funnier than annoying because it was just fun stuff that she needed help doing. (Until she died she Googled everything--when she wanted to check her email she would go to google.com and then search for aol.com. She never understood the whole address bar thing. And she treated every IM as if it was its own letter. She'd send, "Dear Lori, How are you? I am fine. Love, Helga." I'd respond, and then she'd write back, "Dear Lori, That sounds wonderful. Are you enjoying college? Love, Helga." Hilarious.)

 

[amc80]

And she treated every IM as if it was its own letter. She'd send, "Dear Lori, How are you? I am fine. Love, Helga." I'd respond, and then she'd write back, "Dear Lori, That sounds wonderful. Are you enjoying college? Love, Helga." Hilarious.)

My mom does this with every IM and text! Hahaha....

Haven- I'd love to sit down with you over a cocktail (um, obviously not right now) and vent about our mothers.

ETA- I wanted to add that I really don't mind helping people with computer/excel stuff. What I do mind is when they ask the same questions over and over, rather than learn from what I've shown them. My mom has asked me at least 10 times how to "split" a cell in excel. A co-worker has asked me MANY times how to sort. SORT. But ask me something because you really want to learn? Fantastic!

 

[that_someone_special]

I don't understand why some mothers act so helpless. My mother refuses to learn anything about technology. She knows the basics. I've told her over and over and I've shown her how to update her ipad but she whines and says "you doooo it." I mean, seriously? She won't even try to remember how to turn on the tv and blu-ray. It bothers me, a lot.

I mean, it's like she thinks I was BORN knowing how to set up her printers, and how to get her pictures from her camera to print them. I had to learn once too. She just won't bother trying. So you know what? She has had pictures on her camera for THREE YEARS because I refuse to do it for her. I told her to just go to target with her SD card and they will show her what to do. Nope. Instead she whines.

If it's truly a matter of her not knowing how to do something, I'll show her and help her, but the constant "do this for me" doesn't work anymore. I sound terrible, I know. It's just that she isn't helpless but she acts like some feeble 80-pound woman that can't do anything. Aughhhhhh.


My dad doesn't ask me to do anything really... I've designed business cards for him and would do it again in a heartbeat. If anything, my dad helps ME more. Just last week he did some jigsawing for me However, when he helps me, I learn things and now do many things myself.... unlike mommy dearest.

 

[amc80]

If it's truly a matter of her not knowing how to do something, I'll show her and help her, but the constant "do this for me" doesn't work anymore. I sound terrible, I know. It's just that she isn't helpless but she acts like some feeble 80-pound woman that can't do anything. Aughhhhhh.

Exactly!!! My mom texted me once with the most random question, something I wouldn't have known. Oh, I remember- what is the phone number for the Ford dealership in some random town in Idaho. I replied back "Try googling 'Ford Dealership in random town, Idaho'". She didn't like that response. Keep in mind that she and my step dad both have smart phones perfectly capable of googling.

 

[Haven]

If it's truly a matter of her not knowing how to do something, I'll show her and help her, but the constant "do this for me" doesn't work anymore. I sound terrible, I know. It's just that she isn't helpless but she acts like some feeble 80-pound woman that can't do anything. Aughhhhhh.

Exactly!!! My mom texted me once with the most random question, something I wouldn't have known. Oh, I remember- what is the phone number for the Ford dealership in some random town in Idaho. I replied back "Try googling 'Ford Dealership in random town, Idaho'". She didn't like that response. Keep in mind that she and my step dad both have smart phones perfectly capable of googling.

My mom's favorite response to these sorts of questions is, "I'd like to introduce you to my friend Google." She's mean though, so she can get away with this.

That cocktail and venting session sounds wonderful, AMC. Maybe we'll both get away to the next PS GTG!

 

[mogster]

If it's truly a matter of her not knowing how to do something, I'll show her and help her, but the constant "do this for me" doesn't work anymore. I sound terrible, I know. It's just that she isn't helpless but she acts like some feeble 80-pound woman that can't do anything. Aughhhhhh.

Exactly!!! My mom texted me once with the most random question, something I wouldn't have known. Oh, I remember- what is the phone number for the Ford dealership in some random town in Idaho. I replied back "Try googling 'Ford Dealership in random town, Idaho'". She didn't like that response. Keep in mind that she and my step dad both have smart phones perfectly capable of googling.

I could never do this to my parents, but for giggles: http://bit.ly/L3wnWS

 

[Haven]

Mogster--That's awesome!

 

[amc80]

I could never do this to my parents, but for giggles: http://bit.ly/L3wnWS

That is awesome!!!

 

[packrat]

Mogster that is hilarious!

Haven, that text/IM thing about your Gramma just kills me. So funny. My Gramma that lives kitty corner from us has a Nook, she's had a computer for years and is on Facebook. She's like..86. I just love it. I remember when she got the computer I was a bit shocked but she said times were changing and she wanted to keep up! I used to pop over to visit and change her desktop to random crazy things when she wasn't looking b/c she didn't know how to change it back and I'd get emails when I got back home "MELISSA JO you quit confusing your old gramma now!" Now I go visit and get on her Facebook and extol my many virtues as the best granddaughter in the world. (and then laugh when she has to do a disclaimer that she does in fact love all her grandchildren equally, she just has a sneaky one that lives 50 yards away)

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Well, my parents just left after visiting for 4 weeks and during this I was asked to:

1. Plan our vacation in London (research and book hotels and trains and itineraries etc).
2. Scan documents into their computer because "I don't know how to work it". (Psst, just put the paper face down and press the button. Repeat.)
3. Research what would be the best health insurance option for them, research what laptop would best suit them, research what pain meds would be safe for the dog, research what bank has the best CD rates, make reservations for a car, research a bus route...
4. Repeated requests of "can you get me the X, I don't want to go downstairs/upstairs, I'm too old". (They're 56 and able bodied)
5. Write emails for them because my English is better than theirs.
6. They called me repeatedly on their way to the airport because they kept getting lost and wanted me to look up directions since they don't know how to use their smartphones and my dad doesn't want to pull over and ask for directions.

Keep in mind, my parents are both retired and have ample time to do pretty much all of this on their own. True, my english is better since I grew up in the US, but my dad got a PhD at University of Pittsburgh and worked in engineering/sales in the US for 10+ years, so clearly he's fluent and not dumb. My mom used to be a doctor. They've just decided now that I'm an adult, that they can just turn off their brains and have me do it instead. My dad loves to say "Just do it for me, I'm old, thinking makes my brain hurt".

On the plus side, my dad loves to cook, so the food is always choice despite my having to basically be a glorified secretary/research assistant.

 

[innerkitten]

My mother doesn't ask for much. Sometimes she needs a ride or something that's it really. But I'm always willing if she needs something. My MIL is a bit different. She wants help with everything from her three sons. Sometimes I think she just misses having them around the house ( you know how parents are with their kids sometimes). When she comes over she pulls up in her car rings the bell and has my husband park her car.

My MIL is single ( and likes it that way), my mother married. Maybe that has something to do with it.

 

[monarch64]

My parents have expected a lot of my brother (who is 4 years older) and me, but I guess we don't think too much of it? They have 60-65 acres and we grew up helping out on their property so that isn't a huge deal as adults when we need to go help prune trees or mend fences. Mom is tech savvy to a point but will ask unabashedly whenever she needs help with something that seems easy to us. I guess we understand and take it in stride because they live in a rural area and have been forgotten by the Internet companies, I.e. it would cost them a couple thousand to have dsl hooked up to their dwelling still and I don't blame them for not wanting to cough up that much at this point. So they subsist on dial up and my moms iPhone plan!
I used to drive down and help my mom clean their house for some under the table cash when I was going theough my divorce, but that was more her helping me, not the other way around.
My bro and I actually like helping my parents; they've done so much for us over the years so I think that's why we're ok with it--it's been a two way street. If it hadn't been I can see why there would be some resentment.

 

[CharmedOne]

My MIL, well you just gotta love her but she mainly just talks me to death lol. I hate being on the phone and she calls me like 6 times a day. My FIL ignores her and tries to keep her in the dark about technology so he doesn't have to deal with her. She will ask about how to do facebook and twitter. It's kinda funny because you show her how and then she is calling you to walk her through it again. I get annoyed sometimes because I have to keep repeating myself but I would never tell her that. BUT my biggest pet peeve is that every time she visits she has to leave with a piece of my jewelry and she always wants the piece I just bought. So I find myself taking off my jewelry before she comes over. The annoying part is that I have only seen her wear one ring once! She was here this past holiday wanting an emerald sapphire ring I had just purchased and I finally said no to her. But she still bugged me for it up until the moment she left.

 

[CharmedOne]

I'm so sorry, i just noticed it said parents not Inlaws. But they are mom and dad to me, as I have no parents to speak of and we have been married 18 years. Sorry about that.

 

[Missy]

Not too much truly but the few things they do ask of us is mainly of my dh. He is very handy and one of his hobbies is woodworking so they recently asked him to make a cat door from the kitchen going down to the basement which he did for them. Turned out beautifully. He has also refinished their dining room table (mahogany) and fixed a few chairs for them over the years and other projects like those. Their cats scratch the hell out of their furniture (our cats do the same LOL) so my dh is kept pretty busy with these odds and ends.

The other thing my mom asks of us which actually gets on my nerves and is somewhat similar to what Haven has to deal with is she asks us to drive her places that are closer in distance to us than to her. My mom doesn't drive and usually my dad will take her everywhere but my dad had hip surgery and then rehab a few years ago and last autumn/winter he had knee replacement surgery and rehab. And as he gets older (almost 80) there are going to be more requests like these I know.

He was out of commission for almost a full month each time if I remember correctly. The hospital and rehab is about an hour from us but when we have to go pick my mom up it takes a full 2 hours each way or longer. I am not a terrible daughter and don't mind doing this occasionally but first of all my mom expects it and is not appreciative (after all, look how much she has done for me over the years...don't get me started).

Second of all, and even more upsetting to me, is that she will take a cab to my sister's house (who is only 30 min from the hospital) to watch my nieces (when my dad is in the hospital/rehab and cannot drive her because they always drive to LI to watch the girls and never the other way around) but not take a cab to visit my dad. We have to pick her up! Now my sister rarely has to pick her up and my mom becomes defensive if I ask her why she can take a cab to my sister's house and not to visit my dad so the whole thing is aggravating to me. My dh is so good as he never complains but it drives me nuts. Our time is limited with work and all the projects we have going on and I would much rather use that time visiting my dad then driving back and forth.

So really my parents don't ask for much at all and I know I shouldn't complain but the inequality of it all is what upsets me most. My sister gets treated differently than I do and I know in my parents head it is because she has children and a "harder" life than I do but it just comes down to choices in life and who is to judge who has the "easier" life. Sure she has kids and schedules and works part time etc but she reaps the benefits of having 2 darling daughters and it is the life she has chosen. We chose not to have children and that was our choice to make. Sure it was a selfish choice but it was our decision to make and no one else's business to judge but my mom is constantly talking about how much my dear sister has to do yada yada yada. And she does have a lot to do but again, her choice. If my mom can take a cab to her house (an expensive cab ride for sure at $60) she can sure afford a cab ride to the hospital instead of asking us to drive a full hour out of our way each way IMO.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write a book. I guess I feel strongly about this issue which has been more front and center lately for us and if you got this far in reading I am sorry to have gone on and on and thanks for reading. When you are not in the middle of the family dynamics and you are viewing them from the outside perspective it can seem a bit muddied but living it is a different matter entirely.

 

[Polished]

We only have my in-laws as my own parents have died. It mainly falls to my dh to to meet their needs. This ranges from lifts to places, computer and photography assistance and calling in on them to see how they are going. At the moment dh has sessions with his mother on family history things and she enjoys doing this. From me they really require nothing, I guess we're lucky there are four siblings to share the load around. My mother in law adores getting letters from me, it seems to work better, in some ways, than a living relationship!

 

[rubybeth]

My parents are pretty much fully able-bodied and do most things on their own. My dad is super tech savvy, so I'm usually asking him for help! My mom is less tech savvy and my dad has zero patience for it (he'd rather just do it himself but then she still doesn't know how to do it) so I've taken time to teach her how to do things (make a slideshow in iPhoto, upload photos to Facebook, etc.). She's a smart lady and she learns fast, and she's usually really pleased with the results so everyone feels good.

The one thing that my (slightly OCD) little sister has taken to doing when she visits (she lives about 90 minutes away) is to help organize certain areas of the house. Last weekend, for my parents' 40th wedding anniversary, she went down to the laundry room and started tearing down wallpaper that had been there since before I was born. Two days later, the room was painted the same sunny yellow as my mom's kitchen and all-new shelving was up, along with some artwork and a new towel bar. My mom *loves* it and goes down there just to admire her 'new' laundry room!

My mother-in-law is another thing entirely. She is disabled and a bit of a hoarder and my husband has spent literally YEARS helping her to clean out certain parts of the house that she lived in with her mother (DH's grandmother). She has just about finally moved into her own place with her boyfriend, but she's always going to want DH to help with *something.* It's not a huge deal, though, since he can give her gifts of his time instead of more junk she doesn't need. I think for her birthday, he said, "You get me for 8 hours to help you do whatever" and she was really happy with that.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My parents to ask for anything. My ILs do. Usually stuff from DH like hanging a curtain rod, putting up crown moulding, helping with car stuff. My MIL loves to call and ask me to google things. ALL. THE. TIME. I know she knows how to use the internet, but I guess it is easier for her to ask me. Mapquest is another favorite request even though she has a GPS.

 

[Skippy123]

both my FIL and my parents ask me and hubby computer questions or to look something up on the internet. My mom says, put this in the computer. lol I love my parents so I am game with whatever they want!