Home What do you say to a grieving parent?

[dragonfly411]

I hope this is the right place for this. As some of you might know, a friend of mine died in June. He was 23... like me. We went to highschool together, and he died doing something he loved. He and I were very good friends, and he was something of a big brother/guardian to me, and helped me get away from my abusive ex bf. He was one of the most genuine people I knew. We had lost touch in the past couple of years due to him moving around pursuing his passion (rock climbing), and me pursuing things here, but I have taken his death very hard. I had lunch with his mom recently, and she and I had some good and sad talks, and she told me his dad seems to cope by not dealing with it and just continuing. Last night I was on Facebook, and his dad had a couple of statuses about going out and what not which I made comments on. He then chatted me and told me that mom enjoyed lunch, and I told him I did too I had missed them all. Mind you friend''s parents had been sortof like adoptive parents to our entire group of friends, sortof den mother and father if you will. So Dad says they missed me too. Then he said "so strange" and I asked what and he said everything since the death. I agreed and told him I couldn''t imagine how much so for them, but I thought of their son every single day. I felt so sad for him. He said we''d all adjust eventually and apologized for talking about it. We made plans to have dinner, me the parents and my SO soon, but I just felt so lost for words. What do you say to a parent who is grieving for a lost child, when that child and you had a close bond. You can''t relate completely with them, but in ways you can. It sortof reopened the hurt for me. I know we all miss him. I try to use him as inspiration, but I just feel helpless when they seek me out to talk about it.

 

[Sharon101]

Life can be so random, unfair and just plain sad. I dont think there is anything you can say that will take away the pain altogether. But you can help just by helping to keep your friends memory alive.

I think the parents will appreciate keeping in touch with you for life as you are a link to their son. You sound like a very caring considerate friend and no doubt you will say the right things just being yourself.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/14/2009 11:27:21 AM
Author: Sharon101
Life can be so random, unfair and just plain sad. I dont think there is anything you can say that will take away the pain altogether. But you can help just by helping to keep your friends memory alive.

I think the parents will appreciate keeping in touch with you for life as you are a link to their son. You sound like a very caring considerate friend and no doubt you will say the right things just being yourself.

Ditto Sharon.

 

[aprilcait]

I''m so sorry for your loss, Dragonfly. What a sad time this must be for you. I hope that your many fond memories help you through this challenging time.

Regarding your question, everyone grieves differently as you''ve seen by witnessing your own grieving process, your friend''s mother''s grieving process, and your friend''s father''s grieving process. That said, I can''t say that there''s one "best" thing to say to a parent who''s lost a child. I have never been in such a heartbreaking situation as these parents (and I sincerely hope I never will be), so I cannot say this with 100% certainty, but I believe you did a wonderful job talking with your friend''s father.

Sometimes it can be good to talk about things unrelated to the loss... happy, positive things. If, then, the person who''s closest to the lost loved one steers the conversation into talk of the recently deceased, let the conversation go there. Recounting memories of the deceased can be therapeutic... but only it the grieving person wants to do so. Again, people grieve differently. Let the father and mother decide whether that''s territory in which they want to venture. If it’s not, keep the conversation light and positive. I’d suggest preparing for the get-together by making a mental list of three or four positive conversation topics, just in case.

You’re in my thoughts.

 

[dragonfly411]

thanks April. I''ll keep that in mind. It''s been hard for all of us. I keep wondering if there''s a reason they seek me out to talk vs his best guy friend, and guy friend''s wife... although they''ve spent time with them, they haven''t talked as much with them it seems.

 

[Amandine]

We lost my sister at 24, so I can relate. My parents (and me) seemed to appreciate knowing that people still remember her. For example, when I see someone mentions her on FB on her birthday, etc. (she passed away 5 years ago), I always make certain to tell my parents, and I think it comforts them. I guess you just want to know that you are not the only one keeping the memory alive of your loved one, that they are still remembered and loved.

 

[swingirl]

I think just having conversations like you did with your friend''s parents is enough. They appreciate being able to talk to you as a link to their son and to the life they had before his death. Keep talking and keep visiting them. You are saying and doing the things that make you all feel better--you are remembering good times and fond memories with their son.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Date: 8/15/2009 11:02:21 AM
Author: Amandine
We lost my sister at 24, so I can relate. My parents (and me) seemed to appreciate knowing that people still remember her. For example, when I see someone mentions her on FB on her birthday, etc. (she passed away 5 years ago), I always make certain to tell my parents, and I think it comforts them. I guess you just want to know that you are not the only one keeping the memory alive of your loved one, that they are still remembered and loved.

I very much agree with this.

 

[I Love My Sailor]

I can relate to what your going through. My sister died in a car accident this past may. She was 23, my dad is a wreak!!! show your support and try and talk about the good times. There really isn''t anything you can say that will make them feel better but to know that have have continued support.

 

[dragonfly411]

Sailor - I''m so sorry for your loss

We are having dinner with them tonight. I''m going to try to make it fun, and talk about the good things that are going on right now.

 

[Kaleigh]

I have been through this. Telling them your great memories, any funny stories will hel a lot. I am glad you are having dinner with them.

 

[dragonfly411]

Kaleigh - Thanks! I''m actually doing a write up of memories of mine for them to have. I''m also linking them up to my blog, which was basically inspired by his adventuring. It''s on my small but fun adventures (and hopefully big ones someday.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I''m sure you being in touch with them helps ease the void. There aren''t enough sorries in the world to really help - just continuing to be a part of their lives is probably very meaningful to them. My heart really goes out to parents that lose their children ~

 

[dragonfly411]

I meant to update this earlier, but got caught up in packing, working, and other things. We did dinner with the parents of my friend as well as two other mutual friends. It was a great dinner full of talk of future plans, stories, laughs, and REALLY REALLY good food.... and martinis

. The mother and I actually realized we are training for the same half marathon, so are keeping updated with each other about that. They also had brought me a packet on grieving, which I am slowly reading through, and SO plans to read for my sake as well so he know show I am feeling. All in all it was very good and we''re planning to make it a monthly affair, either at home or going out so that we can all keep in touch with one another.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/26/2009 5:24:02 PM
Author: dragonfly411
I meant to update this earlier, but got caught up in packing, working, and other things. We did dinner with the parents of my friend as well as two other mutual friends. It was a great dinner full of talk of future plans, stories, laughs, and REALLY REALLY good food.... and martinis

. The mother and I actually realized we are training for the same half marathon, so are keeping updated with each other about that. They also had brought me a packet on grieving, which I am slowly reading through, and SO plans to read for my sake as well so he know show I am feeling. All in all it was very good and we''re planning to make it a monthly affair, either at home or going out so that we can all keep in touch with one another.

That''s sounds wonderful. Thanks for the update. So nice that you will get together once a month, that will be great for them and for you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Dragonfly, I know I am little late to this thread...but I just wanted to pop in and tell you how amazing I think you are. I admire your strength and composure and I have a feeling that you''re going to continue to say and do the right things.

I actually called my dad after reading this thread...many years ago he lost a daughter in a fire, and I felt that I could ask him what was said/done that made him feel better. He said that so much of the healing process is interpersonal and since everyone is different he told me that there is no text book right or wrong, good or bad. He told me that while you never completely heal, you learn to adjust and that during the adjustment period, the thing that meant the most to him was the love people showed by simply being there. He said people often tried to fill the space Amy left behind with words...but that wasn''t what mattered...just showing up said more than words ever could.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you peace and comfort...keep being such an amazing person.

 

[dragonfly411]

Italia - That is so sweet of you to say that! I''m glad to hear more perspective. They seem to be keeping busy which I think is helping. I''m just doing my best to keep in touch with them as much as possible. Thanks again for your kind words.