What do you do?

[larussel03]

This is a bit of a heavy topic, so forgive me but i need advice.

My mom and I were going to see a potential reception site tomorrow but I''ve postponed. One of my mother''s best friends (who is like an aunt to me) is dying. She has cancer and few days ago we (including she) learned that she''s only got a few days. Cancer is so terrible, I cant even beleive it. My mom wanted to keep the appointment so I wouldnt be dissapointed, but I told her we can put it off as long as she needs b/c she needs to spend her free time with her friend. I just feel so sad, I''ve never had anyone close to me die. I can always find another venue if my mom needs time (of course--and I''ve told her we can even move the date if for some reason my date gets taken, it''s not important like this), I definately am not wanting to look at reception sites knowing how sad my mom will be and being sad myself. I need my mother with me to find the place and my mother needs to be with her friend now. I just wish that this werent happening to her friend and friend''s family b/c she''s such a strong person and is young (early 50''s).

I just feel like I dont know how to react. I want to ask my mom how her friend is doing, but I feel like it''s seeming like asking if she''s passed yet since its now inevitable. It''s not like she''s sick and may get better, or she died, she''s dying. That''s so tough and scary.

 

[Mara]

Cancer is an insiduous disease...I'm sorry to hear this news.

Your Mom probably just would like the comfort of knowing that you are there to support her right now...even silently...holding of a hand or similar. It was only in the last few years that my life has been touched by sickness and death of others close to me or people I know...it's pretty scary and makes you more aware of your own mortality.

The saddest thing I heard recently was that a friend of a friend's little 15 month old boy was just diagnosed with cancer...it's in his bones and he has tumors behind his lungs I believe. Just the saddest story...how do you treat a 15 month old baby with such a horrible disease? Probably the regular 'adult' methods (aka chemo) would not work on this. How does a baby even become afflicted with something so evil. It's so unfair.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 2/17/2006 6:10:15 PM
Author:*~Sweetpea~*
I want to ask my mom how her friend is doing, but I feel like it's seeming like asking if she's passed yet since its now inevitable.

I'm so sorry Sweetpea! It is a very sad turn of events for so many people involved. The death of one of my Grandmothers happened a lot like this, so I'll share my "advice".

1) Don't worry about doing "the right" thing ... follow your heart. Ask your mom whatever you want to know ... especially how SHE's doing, or anything you can do to help her or her friends family get through this time.

2) I was actually grateful for "knowing" she was going to die & so was she really. So many people don't get a chance go tie up loose ends, pass on thoughts & love & advice to their loved ones, have last visits with friends. It was very painful at the time ... and full of awkward moments & tears ... but in RETROSPECT I had more closure with her than my other grandparents who died suddenly with no warning. And my grandmother just became so grateful ... grateful for moments with people, visits, pain medication, the outward display of how much people love her (flowers/cards/food) ... not many of us are alive during & get to see the outpouring of love we so freely express AFTER someone's death.

3) If your mom insists on keeping the appointment - let her. She may need a healthy bit of distraction & life-affirming busy work to keep her going through this. (I know you don't think of wedding planning as busy work & it wouldn't be your idea way to see the venue etc, but it could be a huge gift to her - consider it)

Hope something in there helps out a little ...

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/17/2006 6:26:21 PM
Author: decodelighted
3) If your mom insists on keeping the appointment - let her. She may need a healthy bit of distraction & life-affirming busy work to keep her going through this. (I know you don''t think of wedding planning as busy work & it wouldn''t be your idea way to see the venue etc, but it could be a huge gift to her - consider it)

Hope something in there helps out a little ...

I agree.

My grandfather died suddenly when I was 15. 18 years later, I still miss him terribly.... I wish that I could have at least one more day with him. Your mom having this time with her friend won''t lesson the hurt when she is gone but they will both get to say things to each other that they might not have been able to say if it was sudden. At the same time, if your mom insists on going to that appointment then go, she may want that time to not have that heavy load on her shoulders, even if for a half hour. Don''t be afraid to ask, your mom and even you will need to talk about this to help you deal with your pain.

I''m very sorry to hear about your aunt. She, as well as you and your mom will be in my thoughts.

 

[larussel03]

I figured that I would update my thread tha tI started...

I just came back from the funeral (wake yesterday) and I can''t beleive how hard it was...I''d never been to a wake and funeral for someone I actually knew well, and it really hit me hard...I felt like everyone was so composed and I was the teary one who would tear up even if someone came over to congratulate me on my engagement despite the sad circumstances. My mom''s friend''s daughters did a great job doing the speeches, one was pretty hysterical (understandably) but the other was so poised and able to give this beautiful long speech and still hold her sister''s hand when her sister started to bawl and didnt cry until the very end of the speech. I was amazed at how composed and gracious she was and how she was able to really hold the rest of the family together, even though she''s technically the ''baby'' (who''s in college, but still, the youngest). Even at the wake, she was right next to her mother greeting people and was so calm and able to look at her mother with affection in her eyes rather than starting to cry at the sight (which is what I was pretty much doing, not bawling, but teary for about 2 days straight). It was really amazing also to see how she and her father had such a strong almost sacred bond and like they were able to support each other so well despite the fact that their lives had just suddenly changed.

Please keep my mom''s friend''s family in your prayers, they deserve the best that can possibly happen in a time like this.

 

[nytemist]

Sweetpea- just being there for her, you will be supportive. If she wants to talk, be her ear. If she wants to go looking at sites to occupy her brain, do this with her. Just being by her side and offering whatever she needs will speak volumes to her.

I can''t thank the friends of mine who did this for me last year when my dad died of cancer. We one month to cope with finding out how ill he was, him becoming weak and unresponsive to him passing away. I miss him like crazy since we were so so close. I was still in school at the time so that was my distraction most of the time, but the other times I really needed whatever shoulder was available.

 

[Mokey]

I am really sorry to hear about y''alls loss. I hope that each day gets a little easier.

 

[finerthings]

I''m so sorry. (((hugs))) Life, at times, is not fair. Take care.

 

[kittycatsmac]

I am so sorry for what you and your mom has just, and still going through. When I was 17yrs old my dad died of cancer. I was the only one of 4 kids still at home with him and my mom. He was only 57 and had battled with it for 10 years. He had spent the last 27 days of his life in the hospital and we knew he wasn''t coming home. After he had past on it was just me and my mom at home, and that''s the funny thing about it you think you have to have something to say... but you don''t you can just set in the room with the person that its hurting with you and not say a word and it can make you feel better in some way. And that''s another thing about it there is no words that can make things feel 100 % better or even what you think at the time right again. I think of my dad everyday, I can say that if I could have him back and him be sick like he was, there is no way in this world I would want him back, when I know that his body isn''t having to hurt anymore and he''s in a better place. So keep good times in mind you and your mom and life will go on and let the memory of your friend live through you and your mom in the great things you can remember about her. My prayers are with you all.