Wedding What do you do when you don’t want to invite family?

[Shoopy]

Sorry that this is so long…

I have a very bad relationship with my dad’s family, even though they all think everything is peachy. My dad passed away years ago (

), leaving my mom alone to raise 3 young children (13, 4, and 5). My dad’s family never did anything to help even though my dad was always there for them. I’m not saying financially because my mom would not have accepted money from them, but not even a call to see if we were ok. When I graduated from college (first generation on both sides

), none of them called to say congratulations which really, really hurt me because I used to worship them. My dad was all about the family and I thought our family was the greatest in the world…so you can imagine how upset I am that they never made an effort.

So now we’re talking seriously about me having a wedding. If I invite my dad’s family, I’m looking at 105 guests on my side alone not including friends. If I don’t invite them, I’ll have 18 guests. 18!!!

I don’t want to invite them. I don’t feel the need to have to pay for them to enjoy a happy moment in my life when they have done absolutely nothing for me. My mom doesn’t want them there either but she feels that they are still family and if they don’t get an invite, they’ll be offended and we don’t need that drama.

The other thing too is that there is a huge chance that if they are invited, they won’t come. I don’t know what’s worse…not inviting them and they get upset OR inviting them, no one shows up, and I feel even worse

. My mom seems to think they won't show up (they all live in NY) but I also can't risk them deciding to take this moment to make an effort.

I don’t know. Has anyone been in this situation before? If you are wondering why 105…picture my dad's 6 siblings all with 3 children each…and those 3 children are on at least baby #2

.

 

[vintagelover229]

I say, don''t invite them. I have a "similar" issue with my adopted family. They have my 2 younger half sisters still, and they don''t call to see if I''m okay, to just say hi, or anything. To give you an example of how they are, they had a daughter who was at college 12 hours away from where they lived. They would drive to go see her play soccer, and when they would do that...they were 1/2 hour away from my house at one point, each way, there and back. They wouldn''t even call to say they were coming though the area. I always called and offered to meet them somewhere for dinner, etc. I even invited them over but because I live with my FH they won''t see me because "we''re living in sin". To each there own.

Anyways, long story short...if my sister can come to the wedding, they can come. If they won''t let me sisters come to the wedding, my FH knows how much it would hurt me and stress me out, that he says NO! He''ll call them and lay the news on them.

That''s what I would do. If they get upset that they are invited to the wedding (which from the sounds of it, they might not even care) just tell them you only invited people who you are close to on a daily basis. I''m only having like 12 people I know at my wedding for my side. Mind you, that includes my side of the wedding party.

If having them there is going to stree you out on your wedding day, don''t do it. The only reason my adopted family is "invited" is because the stress they will cause me will be nothing compared to the joy of having my sisters there.

On the other hand...if my sister''s don''t get to come, I know they will still come on their own. We don''t get along...it will stress me out and make my day very very unhappy.

I say, don''t invite them if they haven''t been like "family" to you. In my opion just because there is blood doesn''t mean that they are family. A family is there for eachother during good times and bad. Not just during the good.

Sorry for the glum view! I''m sore when it comes to the "family" subject! That''s why I''m marrying into a good one!

 

[decodelighted]

If you want to have a *future* relationship with them then I''d say invite them. People do change and maybe they were so hurt by your father''s passing that it hurt too much to have contact with you guys. Not saying that''s cool at all ... but a possible reason. Since time has passed, maybe they''ve come to terms with the situation and would relish a fresh chance to get to know you. It depends on what YOU want.

If you want to cut them out of your life altogether -- send them an announcement after the fact. That''s "respectful" but not "welcoming" yanno? An invitation is WELCOMING, even solicitous. An announcement is a simple acknowledgment that they ARE family and they might be (at least vaguely) interested in your status.

Sorry you have to deal with this & even think about this during your exciting time!

 

[Haven]

Ditto to Deco''s post.

I have a similar relationship with my father''s family--I hadn''t seen or spoken to any of them for years prior to our wedding. My father spends a lot of time talking to his parents and sister and nephew because he''s always cleaning up their messes and taking care of them. When we made the guest list my parents insisted that we invite them (this was before my parents offered to pay for the whole wedding, so it wasn''t a money thing) and I was TERRIFIED that they were going to do something to ruin the day. It wouldn''t be unheard of for them, they''re extremely selfish, flamboyant, mean-spirited people.

In the end, they all came to the wedding (because my father paid for all of their plane tickets and lodging, of course) and they were on excellent behavior. My dad was happy to have his family there, and it went off without a hitch. The only embarrassing moment was when my sister walked in with this man I didn''t recognize so I mouthed to my mom "Who is that?!" in front of my bridal party, and my mother put her hands on her hips and said "That''s your grandfather!" That should give you an indication of how little they are in my life.

But it was fine. It made my father happy, and they were beaming the entire time. Whatever my grandparents have or haven''t done to or for us in our lives, now they''re little old people and it kind of warmed my heart to see them taking some joy out of being there.

 

[CJ2008]

Hola fiery

I don’t know what’s worse…not inviting them and they get upset OR inviting them, no one shows up, and I feel even worse.

Maybe you''re more afraid of them saying no after you invite them...and maybe for just that reason you should...

But that''s if and only if you could comfortably pay for a wedding that large. Do you have to invite all the kids? (or is crazy for me to ask that? haha)

I had 18 people at my wedding - it was perfect.

 

[purrfectpear]

I would probably invite the six siblings. No reason to invite the cousins, much less their kids. Either the Aunts and Uncles come or they don''t, but at least 6 people won''t break the bank if they do show.

 

[Shoopy]

Deco--My mom felt the same...that I should invite them because its the right thing to do AND there''s no need to have that pressure for the future.

As far as the kids thing...don''t get me started. If I do invite, I would just extend to my uncles/aunts and their spouses. But then there are some cousins that I would want there so I can''t really send them an invite without sending all the other ones an invite. AND I do have one aunt (the oldest of the 7) that lives in Florida and is like a second mom to me (she''s also my Godmother). She will be there along with my cousins and their children. So if I do invite the cousins just because I''m inviting a select few but tell them no children, I can''t imagine what they''ll say when they see the other kids around.

Claud--that is my biggest fear I think. When they didn''t call for my graduation, I cried for hours. I knew better than to expect anything from them but dang not even a phone call LOL. But they get me everytime. We just recently went to NY to visit the city and then went to visit my grandparents. None of my uncles showed up to say hey. And to quote one aunt "we saw her 2 years ago in Florida."

But what did I do? Cried the entire train ride from Brooklyn to Bronx. I try to not let them get to me but they do.

I guess I have plenty of time to really decide. Thanks for the responses.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:43:05 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Deco--My mom felt the same...that I should invite them because its the right thing to do AND there's no need to have that pressure for the future.

As far as the kids thing...don't get me started. If I do invite, I would just extend to my uncles/aunts and their spouses. But then there are some cousins that I would want there so I can't really send them an invite without sending all the other ones an invite. AND I do have one aunt (the oldest of the 7) that lives in Florida and is like a second mom to me (she's also my Godmother). She will be there along with my cousins and their children. So if I do invite the cousins just because I'm inviting a select few but tell them no children, I can't imagine what they'll say when they see the other kids around.

Claud--that is my biggest fear I think. When they didn't call for my graduation, I cried for hours. I knew better than to expect anything from them but dang not even a phone call LOL. But they get me everytime. We just recently went to NY to visit the city and then went to visit my grandparents. None of my uncles showed up to say hey. And to quote one aunt 'we saw her 2 years ago in Florida.'

But what did I do? Cried the entire train ride from Brooklyn to Bronx. I try to not let them get to me but they do.

That's what it really is, Fiery - hurt, and fear that they're going to reject you. I'm sorry.

I know you were in NY because I saw the picture that you posted of you and your FI. Maybe they don't know just how important they are to you (not that that's an excuse). Who knows. But I think for this reason you need to take a deep breath and invite them, being fully ready and with a promise to yourself to LET IT GO and not cast a shadow over your wedding if they decline your invitation. I would tell you to consider NOT inviting everyone, even though it's really really hard and some will get really mad. We took the plunge and invited some aunts/uncles and not others - some cousins and not others. We stressed, and were so AFRAID of the fallout and what people would say, but in the end, we did what we wanted. I've been assuming this whole time you're Spanish - so am I, and so is DH. So believe me when I tell you we were scared to DEATH of what his family in PR would say when they were all not invited (we left a LOT of people out, as you can imagine his family is WAY larger than 1. We're pretty sure most were pretty miffed, especially that we had it in Mexico, too...but I wouldn't change anything about what we did.

I guess I have plenty of time to really decide. Thanks for the responses.

 

[surfgirl]

I hear you fiery. Mr. Surf''s sister, his only living immediate family, didn''t even bother to pick up the phone and congratulate us after we sent out our wedding elopement announcements for THREE MONTHS (mind you, his little old aunt, who he never sees, called the second the announcement hit her mailbox, filled with joy for us). No email, no phone call, no card, nada. I was very upset but I kept it to myself because it would just make him feel worse about his sister and let''s face it, our relatives behavior(s) aren''t the responsibility of our loved ones. But I get where you are. Before we discuss further, you need to tell us if you can AFFORD to invite ALL of that side of the family or not...can you? Is this a DW or no?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

What good is going to come out of inviting them? You have tried to connect with them and they keep shooting you down.

There won''t be any drama if you don''t invite them because that would require they contact you, which they clearly have no interest in.

These people bring you nothing but misery and you don''t need that on your special day. Is the risk that they might come and ruin it or might refuse to come at all worth the slim possibility things might get better? Not for me, but you have to decide for yourself.

Life is too short to spend you most precious moments on people who don''t treat you like you deserve. The only person at my wedding who I don''t want there is my FMIL, but that is unavoidable.

 

[havernell]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:31:36 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I would probably invite the six siblings. No reason to invite the cousins, much less their kids. Either the Aunts and Uncles come or they don't, but at least 6 people won't break the bank if they do show.

ETA: Oops, I hadn't read your follow up post to purrfectpear regarding cousins you want to invite. So really just ignore what I said below (but I'll leave it there just for kicks).

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say! It's perfectly normal (and understandable) to just invite a certain "category" of relatives, especially if you are not close with them. So, I also say just invite your aunts and uncles, not cousins and their children. Now, I realize that you may want to invite cousins, etc on your Mom's side, which *could* then look like you are making up different rules for each side. But, in your case, since there are only 18 total on your Mom's side, I wouldn't worry about that (I would only worry if you were inviting 50+ on your mom's side). Also, would your Dad's side even recognize cousins from your mom's side, or might they just think that they are friends of yours?

Also, with just inviting your aunts and uncles, you are inviting the people who are most likely to come (both because they are most directly related to you and your Dad (and therefore feel compelled to attend) and because they don't have young kids (which could be and reason your cousins give to avoid travel).


I know this doesn't get to your question about if you should invite them at all due to your past relationships (and I don't really know what to advise about that), but I just thought this plan was a bit of a middle ground that you could take which would 1) preserve a relationship with your dad's family 2) give you less guests to pay for and 3) reduce the embarrassment of them not coming after being invited (12 people not coming is better than 105!)

Good luck with the decision and let us know what you decide in the end!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:07:58 PM
Author: surfgirl
I hear you fiery. Mr. Surf''s sister, his only living immediate family, didn''t even bother to pick up the phone and congratulate us after we sent out our wedding elopement announcements for THREE MONTHS (mind you, his little old aunt, who he never sees, called the second the announcement hit her mailbox, filled with joy for us). No email, no phone call, no card, nada. I was very upset but I kept it to myself because it would just make him feel worse about his sister and let''s face it, our relatives behavior(s) aren''t the responsibility of our loved ones. But I get where you are. Before we discuss further, you need to tell us if you can AFFORD to invite ALL of that side of the family or not...can you? Is this a DW or no?

This is a ehhh question. If we invite them all and they do come, then we have to wait another year or two to get our house but we will be able to afford it. If they don''t come, then we can have the smaller, intimate wedding and get a house next year. To me, the house is more of a priority.

I hear you on being upset too. It''s silly because for everything else I''m strong but with them I''m a mess.

 

[surfgirl]

Well you just answered your question honey. Your house IS more important so just invite your Dad''s siblings and call it a day. Maybe they wont even come.

 

[aprilcait]

I say invite them... but be sure to put them in the first round of invitations.

I had a somewhat similar experience with my wedding. My dad's family no longer speaks to him (some dispute over my grandfather's will

). Somehow my dad's family couldn't separate their distaste for my dad from their feelings for my siblings and me.

Anyway, when my wedding rolled around I decided to invite them to my wedding because there was no way I was going to stoop to their level, no matter what hard feelings I had over their behavior. Plus, I figured that maybe (just maybe) this could be a step toward bridge re-building. I prepared myself for them to decline the invitations and made absolutely certain to send out their invitations in the first batch of invitations. That way, if they declined, I could invite people in their place. They did decline and it hurt a smidge but it was totally expected. In their place, I invited a bunch of family friends who partied down on the dance floor... waaay more fun. But I'm still proud of myself for putting on my big girl pants and inviting them, and not imitating the behavior I dislike.

 

[anchor31]

We were in the same situation. Either we invited all our 54 aunts and uncles to make sure nobpody is offended and risk having half of them not coming anyway, or we didn''t invite them and cause conflict with some of them. We ended up inviting them... and you guessed it, half of them are not coming, and it caused conflict with some of them anyway because we didn''t have the room or budget to invite their kids. We invited 92 people, and only 49 are attending.

So... if I could do it over, I''d go with my first hunch and not invite them. It would have saved us a lot of frustration and disappointment.

Good luck!

 

[Shoopy]

Thank you all for the suggestions/stories/kind words.

I guess we have a lot to think about. If it were up to him, he wouldn''t invite them. His exact words were:

"Why is it mandatory to invite everyone? Has everyone ACTUALLY been there for us? Remember your graduation when no one even called u for a simple congratulations. I was thinking maybe our closed friends & family members."

So I know how he feels already LOL. Luckily we have enough time to really think it through.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Firey, I''m sorry you have to deal with this situation. It sounds very stressful being torn between family who is out of contact and clearly uninterested/unsupportive, but the network of relatives making it difficult to invite some over others, paying for the bigger wedding vs. getting a house sooner, and on top of it all the fear of rejectment if they are invited but do not come.

Honestly, I don''t think it is your responsibility to be the bigger person in this situation. Nor do I think your *wedding day* is the right time to do that. If they are not invited but hear through other relatives who they talk to that they were intentionally left out, do you think they will contact you and cause drama? I only ask because they seem very uninvolved and uninterested in being in your life, so I wonder if they would even take the initiative to contact you about it? Even if they did, though, I think you have perfectly logical and acceptable reasons for not having them there, both personal and practical. I would think your other [invited] relatives would understand that! If you feel the need to give these relatives an answer as to why they were not invited I think you have every right to say calmly and politely that it was an event for close, supportive family and friends.

I also think that having people you don''t even necessarily want at your wedding and who have been absent from big events in the past [not even a phonecall for a college graduation? how rude!] is more important than getting a house! Get the house, and enjoy your wedding day without these people. They''ve obviously hurt you in the past.

I understand where you are coming from because FI and I are having 15 people at our wedding. We call it our "immediate family" even though my step-aunt, step-grandmother, two step-sisters and their respective FI and SO will be there, as well as my biological sister''s SO. We consider these people to be our "real" family much more than our biological aunts and uncles, and our living grandparents are unsupportive of our relationship, nevermind a wedding. The people we want there with us on our wedding day are people who are kind and supportive of both of us, and involved in our lives.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If it were my wedding, I would invite my father''s siblings but no cousins or grandchildren. Their children wouldn''t want to come anyway because it would be an expensive trip for someone they aren''t close to. Lots of people aren''t close with their cousins, so don''t let that make you sad. For example, my first cousins on my mom''s side are like brothers and sisters to me because we all went to college together and spent summers on my grandfather''s ranch together. My cousins on my dad''s side however are just acquaintences. I love them as family, but don''t really have much interaction with them. If I were having a small wedding, I might not invite those cousins. Besides, those are some seriously different numbers! Your wedding would have a very large percentage of people you don''t know if they chose to come.

I don''t think you need to invite anyone you don''t want to, but if you are alright with them being there, I think it would be a nice gesture toward the memory of your father to invite his brothers and sisters. Whatever you decide, I wish you every happiness on your wedding day

PS - I was wondering if you sent them graduation announcements when you graduated.

 

[diamondfan]

Tough call. It is not as if they have been so supportive and loving over the years. Might some of them not even come? I mean, if you were close to some and not others I might say invite them all and see what happens, but these people have played seemingly no part in your life to date and it would to me, seem weird to have them there. I would feel I want special people for the most part, sometimes you have to suck it up and have a cousin or aunt you are not thrilled about, but that is what happens. In this case it is pretty blatant in terms of a lack of contact and how many of them you would have to deal with.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I am going to recommend this book to you: "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning," by William J.Doherty, PhD and Elizabeth Doherty Thomas. There are words of wisdom in there for everyone facing this sort of problem.

Here is one quote from the book that might help you:

"Here is a big, painful lesson: It''s not just your day. Even if you find a Justice of the Peace in Jamaica and ask a beach bum to be your witness, you still are officially joining each other''s families on that day. Relatives will have strong feelings about not being invited.They will still buy you gifts and probably still hold a party for you. Weddings are a big deal for nearly every family. You will not be able to dismiss their support when they like what you are doing or their disapproval when they don''t. Marry each other and you are marrying each others'' families: it''s a package deal. On your wedding day, you will be the lead actors in the drama, the center of everyone''s attention, but there will be lots of others on stage and behind the scenes."

 

[claireabelle]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:25:56 PM
Author: aprilcait

I say invite them... but be sure to put them in the first round of invitations.

I had a somewhat similar experience with my wedding. My dad''s family no longer speaks to him (some dispute over my grandfather''s will

). Somehow my dad''s family couldn''t separate their distaste for my dad from their feelings for my siblings and me.

Anyway, when my wedding rolled around I decided to invite them to my wedding because there was no way I was going to stoop to their level, no matter what hard feelings I had over their behavior. Plus, I figured that maybe (just maybe) this could be a step toward bridge re-building. I prepared myself for them to decline the invitations and made absolutely certain to send out their invitations in the first batch of invitations. That way, if they declined, I could invite people in their place. They did decline and it hurt a smidge but it was totally expected. In their place, I invited a bunch of family friends who partied down on the dance floor... waaay more fun. But I''m still proud of myself for putting on my big girl pants and inviting them, and not imitating the behavior I dislike.

... a really mature and graceful way of handling the situation. Power to you, aprilcait!! This is what I plan to do for my wedding.

 

[Gypsy]

I am in a similar situation. Long story short, my dad is worthless (there are issues with his family too) and I cut him (and them) out of my life 3 or 4 years ago. They've treated my mom and me like crap since the beginning of time and I wasn't going to let it continue. Just sent out my invites and not one went to that side of the family. They live in Australia so its not like they all would have descended either, but I didn't even want to risk any of them there. And you know what? We were writing our ceremony and there were these Opening (Gathering) passages and I was already resentful of the fact that my mother invited 13 people I don't care about, are her friends only, and who have NEVER met my groom because the passages generally started with the sentiment of "the bride and groom want to thank all of you who have come to watch them pledge their vows, knowing that the friends and family gathered here today have supported them, watched them grow... yada yada..." and the words felt so hollow when I thought of those STRANGERS sitting in the rows as we do this intimate act (because it is an intimate act). And that only affirmed feelings about my dad's family... I am so glad there aren't going to be there, it would just be such a mockery. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me. But the point is... yes, I'm in a similar situation and I got the 'but they are family so we should invite them" crap from my mother's family too, and I just said "No." And I'm completely at peace with it. Just cause someone shares DNA with me doesn't mean they deserve to share my life.

ETA: I will send them announcements after the fact. Because I refuse to stoop to their level (another long story).

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/24/2008 1:39:08 AM
Author: marchswallowbird
'Here is a big, painful lesson: It's not just your day. Even if you find a Justice of the Peace in Jamaica and ask a beach bum to be your witness, you still are officially joining each other's families on that day. Relatives will have strong feelings about not being invited.They will still buy you gifts and probably still hold a party for you. Weddings are a big deal for nearly every family. You will not be able to dismiss their support when they like what you are doing or their disapproval when they don't. Marry each other and you are marrying each others' families: it's a package deal. On your wedding day, you will be the lead actors in the drama, the center of everyone's attention, but there will be lots of others on stage and behind the scenes.'

I concur with that sentiment entirely, but not with the idea that 1) it means you have to invite family just because they're family, and 2) if you invite one, you have to invite them all. There's a difference between inviting family because they are a part of your life and inviting them because they happen to share some of your DNA.

Twinky, is there anyone in your father's family that you might want to invite to be a part of your wedding day? Anyone you might want to invite for the symbolism, or on behalf of your father or in his memory? Someone who your mother might want there, or who might want to be there for you in spite of the reaction of the rest of the family? If so, you could invite just that person and their SO and leave it at that. Since the remainder of the party will be so small, the response to everyone else's indignation (if any) would be that you wanted a small, intimate wedding. If there's noone who might meet that criteria, then don't invite anyone.

BTW hurts just to read about your father's family's treatment of your family. It must have been extremely painful as a young child or young widow.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Yes, I agree that you don't always have to invite all family members just because you share DNA. The point is to really think about who to invite and what the repurcussions will be if you don't invite some family members.

Fiery, instead of inviting ALL the family members, can you limit it to just parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts/uncles (no cousins, neices or nephews) or something?

 

[enfianced]

I understand your plight. My dad has 18 brothers and sisters and I have more than 100 first cousins (and countless 2nd and 3rd cousins) and my mom just has one sister, but she has 9 kids and they all have large families, so if we had invited all of them, it''d be 500+ people which we didn''t want, couldn''t afford, etc.

What we decided to do is send announcements to all my cousins (which would include all my mom''s sister''s kids and their kids and all my dad''s neices and nephews and down the line. I only invited my aunts and uncles, limiting the list to about 30. And, since I''m getting married in CA and most of them live in the midwest, not very many are coming.

So, to make a long story short, think about sending announcements after the wedding, and if anyone asks just say you had a small wedding and leave it at that. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 7/24/2008 3:45:08 AM
Author: MINIMS

I concur with that sentiment entirely, but not with the idea that 1) it means you have to invite family just because they''re family, and 2) if you invite one, you have to invite them all. There''s a difference between inviting family because they are a part of your life and inviting them because they happen to share some of your DNA.

Twinky, is there anyone in your father''s family that you might want to invite to be a part of your wedding day? Anyone you might want to invite for the symbolism, or on behalf of your father or in his memory? Someone who your mother might want there, or who might want to be there for you in spite of the reaction of the rest of the family? If so, you could invite just that person and their SO and leave it at that. Since the remainder of the party will be so small, the response to everyone else''s indignation (if any) would be that you wanted a small, intimate wedding. If there''s noone who might meet that criteria, then don''t invite anyone.

BTW hurts just to read about your father''s family''s treatment of your family. It must have been extremely painful as a young child or young widow.

If I’m going to be 100% honest, I would say no. I know it wasn’t their job to help us when he passed away but it was a huge let down after all he did for them. Especially for my brothers as they needed a father figure and none of his brothers stood up. They also haven’t acknowledged how hard we’ve worked, instead they make stupid little comments. I remember when I got my first job (at 16). I was working in a fast food restaurant and my aunt says to me “I knew you would become a nobody once your dad died

”

I don’t have anything against my cousins; it’s mainly his siblings that I’m upset with.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/24/2008 2:37:01 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 7/24/2008 3:45:08 AM
Author: MINIMS

Twinky, is there anyone in your father''s family that you might want to invite to be a part of your wedding day? Anyone you might want to invite for the symbolism, or on behalf of your father or in his memory? Someone who your mother might want there, or who might want to be there for you in spite of the reaction of the rest of the family?

If I’m going to be 100% honest, I would say no. I know it wasn’t their job to help us when he passed away but it was a huge let down after all he did for them. Especially for my brothers as they needed a father figure and none of his brothers stood up. They also haven’t acknowledged how hard we’ve worked, instead they make stupid little comments. I remember when I got my first job (at 16). I was working in a fast food restaurant and my aunt says to me “I knew you would become a nobody once your dad died

”

That''s your answer right there.

& BTW many people and spiritual texts would not let your father''s family off the hook so easily.