"What did I do wrong?"

[butterfly 17]

That''s the name of a book I picked up today at Barnes and Noble by Liz Pryor.
It''s a book about women''s friendships and talks about "when women don''t tell each other the friendship is over".

I picked it up after reading about it in some beauty magazine and it really got me thinking about my own relationship with other women.

I am sure I am not the only one, but I realized over the years that there have been women friends who I have suddenly stopped speaking to after knowing them for years. I always thought it was something I did, but I realize that I myself am the type of person who doesn''t necessarily need to hang all the time or call someone every day, so I never really looked into it.

But the other day, my closest friend at work stopped speaking to me and I have worked with her for 4 years. I even waited for her to get out of work one day and she just kind of brushed me aside, so this got me thinking that maybe there was something I did. It''s now been three weeks and she has been very distant and it is bugging the hell out of me and yet, I can''t approach her for fear of getting angry at her for not talking to me and making it worse.

Anyway, I thought it was an interesting book to pick up because I really feel that this is something that happens to everyone and yet the issues never get addressed with the ex-friend.
At least with a guy, you know why you broke up, but with a woman, it''s so different.

Thoughts and comments are welcome and if anyone has imput on the book, that would be great!

 

[FireGoddess]

Just curious why you can''t directly ask her about this? Would it really make it worse since she''s brushing you off already? I''d certainly want to know why she was doing it. Even if it terminated the friendship, I''d rather know why, since it seems she''s terminating it in a one-sided manner already. Even if you get angry at her for ignoring you, just try to remember that perhaps its her way of being angry at you, as opposed to calling you out directly. While perhaps not the best way to deal with things, it may be what she is comfortable doing, which doesn''t make it right, just makes it her way of dealing.

I have a friend that over the years I''ve pretty much dropped. We''ve grown apart since she moved away (and that really had nothing to do with it). I thought it easier to just let it die gracefully than in a confrontational manner. If she had asked, I would have told her why. It may have hurt her feelings, but we had grown apart and I didn''t really like the person she had become. I found her rather....oh...what''s the word...hypocritical. But she didn''t ask. I think it was a mutual thing. Perhaps she didn''t like who I had become either.

In another example, 2 very good friends of mine felt slighted by me (unbeknownst to me at the time - as I was planning and paying for my wedding and was going nutso, and they felt extremely ignored and put out that they had flown across country and I didn''t spend ''enough time'' with them) and instead of telling me so, they decided to ignore me until the next time I saw them, at which time they decided to PUNISH me (for something I didn''t know they felt) by treating me poorly during that next meeting. Really childish if you ask me. Well, I never spoke to them again after that. 2 years later they tried to mend the bridge, by telling me all these ''hurts'' they endured by me that they never vocalized, and apologized for ''punishing'' me because they recognized that it was a childish thing to do. 6 months later, this friendship has still not been mended, nor will it ever, because I believe that if you have a problem with me, you should tell me so instead of deciding to punish me for something I didn''t know I did (and when the whole truth came out, for something I actually didn''t do). I guess my point is, people do stupid crap instead of just being forthright. It usually doesn''t work.

Very interesting book though, and worth a read. I do think you should ask your friend what''s up. If you both can''t get past it, at least you know why. Good luck.

 

[ladykemma]

i have dropped friends -- some abruptly and some let drift away.

one -- her life got so crazy i started to feel like an "appointment" --- "I can fit you in for 15 minutes on friday afternoon"... same friend who unexpectedly filed for divorce premeditatedly the day after he retired so she would get a cushier divorce package. blew us all away.

another friend wouldn''t stop taking money from her parents at age 37 even after she identified in a 12 step program that, in bottom line behavior, it was a life destructive thing for her to do. (like watching an alcoholic drink) She kept quitting/not keeping jobs and relying on extorting money from her mother. i had to say goodbye. it was too hard to watch.

regarding your friend, ask what is the matter so things don''t fester. could be a simple misunderstanding.

 

[DonaBella]

This topic really hit home with me...

For 20 years, I had a dear friend. She became sort of a big sister when we moved to San Diego. We both were pregnant at the time, which made for even more bonding because I had no one to assist me with my kids, etc.

Well, over the last few years, some big changes occurred in her life with her marriage and it was very sad. I tried very hard to be a good friend to her and stepped back when it wasn''t my place to intervene.

About 2 years ago, she decided to leave her husband and tried to get me to leave my husband, pointing out how things would never get better and look what happened to her, yada, yada...Her lifestyle choice also changed drastically and I could not approve, which she wanted me to say I did. She belonged to a nudist community and had sex with alot of different people. It was just too much for me to have her sharing her exploits around my kids and give details to my young adult age daughters.

So...I allowed the friendship to wax and wane last summer. I feel sad for her more than the loss of the friendship. I still worry about her and hope she is fine, but I have no regrets for ending the friendship...

 

[hlmr]

Gosh butterfly, I can so identify with this, except, I am the one who is finally finished with a long term toxic friendship. But I told her why, when she questioned my lack of communication (which was usually one sided - me checking up on her to see if she was alright). I had to be honest. I couldn't share every little thing but I did share enough so she understood why I couldn't be there for her anymore. It wasn't easy to talk about, but after years of friendship I knew I owed her that. She understood why I made my decision. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on.

I have realized as I have grown older, that sometimes you can't save someone from themselves, but you do have to save yourself from them. Your co-worker should tell you why she has stopped talking to you. I would ask her outright or write her a letter if that would be more comfortable. No point in worrying about her anger at this point.

Good luck!

 

[butterfly 17]

I am at work right now and I actually confronted my coworker friend and basically said to her that I noticed that she wasn''t talking to me and did I do something wrong.
She said well, she was sort of mad at me and I asked her why and she said that it had to do with the other day at work, I was in charge of the unit and she felt that her assignment was unfair.
I was kind of shocked by this because she never said anything to me and since I do consider her a good friend, wondered why she would not just tell me how she felt instead of boycotting our friendship like this.
She said she was so mad at the time, she didn''t want to bother saying anything.
I explained to her three things about that day, first, I was in charge for her. She was actually supposed to be in charge, but they asked me to do it instead because she was working with an orientee. Second, she had the same exact assignment the night before and if she had a problem with it, she should have said something right away to me. In our hospital, you keep the same assignment if you worked the night before. Third and most importantly, I was only in charge for 2 hours because the assistant manager came in at 9:00 pm and she takes over charge when she is there. So, how she can blame me for her assignment the whole night is beyond me since I was not even in charge the whole night.

I told her I really thought it was wrong to be mad at me like that without telling me why and assuming that I would figure it out. I told her that I thought we were good enough friends that if she had a problem or needed help,she would say something to me.
I told her I honestly had no idea she had a problem with the assignment and if she did and felt like she couldn''t tell me, she should have said something to the assistant manager.

I am pretty mad at her for the way she handled the situation.

I feel like you do , Firegoddess, that if you have a problem with me, tell me to my face instead of just punishing me (not talking to me) for something I didn''t even know I did.

Anyway, it feels good to know that there are others like me. I have such a self-depreciating personality that I always feel like I am to blame.

I am currently close friends with someone and even though I like this person tremendously, all she talks about is herself, her relationships, her son, her everything and she never lets me put a word in about myself.
Everytime I speak to her and try to tell her about what''s going on in my life, she somehow reverts the convo back to her.
I tried to tell her what happened with my coworker and somehow, we got into her story with her coworker

, I finally had to stop her after half an hour and say, "wait, well you still haven''t told me what to do about my friend, can we talk about me for a change." Of course, I laughed when I said that so she would think it was a joke, but I was actually quite serious.
Anyway, isn''t it funny how these issues are never really addressed? We women have no problem saying, OH, I broke up with him and I told him he was a loser, but we can never say stuff like to each other.

 

[butterfly 17]

By the way, the author of the book has her own website, www.lizpryor.com and there are stories from women on her website.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I imagine we''ve all had friends/associates/acquaintances who stopped speaking to us for no apparent reason, and it never ceases to amaze me. Why can''t adults behave like adults and discuss the issue? As far as I''m concerned, my time is better spent looking at jewelry than wondering why someone suddenly quit speaking to me.

 

[AmberWaves]

I know I had a friend who was very toxic to me, I''d known her throughout junior high, through high school, for years after graduation. She was mean, selfish, and a bully. When you didn''t do as she pleased, she''d yell at you about it. When I moved in with my fiance (then boyfriend of one year), she''d call every day, whining about how I should be tired of him now that we live together. She didn''t seem to understand that no matter what, I never get tired of him, in fact, I seem to want to spend MORE time with him! After her last phone call to my WORK, complaining about how I never want to hang out with her, and then a prompt hang-up when I said, "I''m at WORK, I can''t do this now", I finally told her that her abusive friendship, and bullyish ways make me not like to be around her. She was mean to everyone, and if she couldn''t be around my fiance in a nice way, there is no other way for me to do this. She had never had a boyfriend, never put anyone before herself, and I just couldn''t continue to take her abuse. So I told her that I wished her luck in the future, but our friendship is over, and there is nothing she could do about it. Too much time had gone by with her yelling about ME not trying hard enough. That was the best thing I could have ever done. On the other hand, I do have a former friend who dropped me- literally out of her wedding. I still think about her, 4 years later. She was my best friend, almost a sister, but now there''s nothing. Oddly enough, she works across the street from me!

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 5/9/2006 10:53:19 AM
Author: AmberWaves
I know I had a friend who was very toxic to me, I''d known her throughout junior high, through high school, for years after graduation. She was mean, selfish, and a bully. When you didn''t do as she pleased, she''d yell at you about it. When I moved in with my fiance (then boyfriend of one year), she''d call every day, whining about how I should be tired of him now that we live together. She didn''t seem to understand that no matter what, I never get tired of him, in fact, I seem to want to spend MORE time with him! After her last phone call to my WORK, complaining about how I never want to hang out with her, and then a prompt hang-up when I said, ''I''m at WORK, I can''t do this now'', I finally told her that her abusive friendship, and bullyish ways make me not like to be around her. She was mean to everyone, and if she couldn''t be around my fiance in a nice way, there is no other way for me to do this. She had never had a boyfriend, never put anyone before herself, and I just couldn''t continue to take her abuse. So I told her that I wished her luck in the future, but our friendship is over, and there is nothing she could do about it. Too much time had gone by with her yelling about ME not trying hard enough. That was the best thing I could have ever done. On the other hand, I do have a former friend who dropped me- literally out of her wedding. I still think about her, 4 years later. She was my best friend, almost a sister, but now there''s nothing. Oddly enough, she works across the street from me!

Good for you for being honest with your ex-friend.

That''s sad about your friend who dropped you out of her wedding. I can certainly see why you still think about her.

I also read a blurb about that book and thought about a few times when it has happened to me. I went through a real questioning of my self worth because of it. I find that I distrust women friends much more than men now. I think with men, you kind of know where you stand.

The most recent situation with me was a friend that I worked with. I thought we were very good friends and when I started trying to get pregnant, she kind of stepped back but after I had my daughter, she cut me off. She was unable to have children. It really hurt because I really cared for her. At one point, she credited me with saving her marriage with some advice I gave her.

 

[butterfly 17]

Date: 5/9/2006 3:05:21 PM
Author: Allisonfaye

I also read a blurb about that book and thought about a few times when it has happened to me. I went through a real questioning of my self worth because of it.

yes, that''s just it. When women complain about breaking up with a man, they get all the suport from their friends, mother, sister, etc.
when a woman breaks her relationship with a friend, you never hear about it and there''s really no support.
In fact, there is a sort of shame that maybe I did something wrong, maybe I am not good enough to be her friend, one always scrutinizes oneself and thinks of all the scenarios where perhaps, they said something which was taken the wrong way,etc., causing this fallout.

This happened to me a few times as well, and I have questioned myself, like, what is wrong with me, maybe I need to change something, be more supportive, be more available, go out more, start complaining less, etc.

 

[FireGoddess]

Kayla, I''m glad you spoke to your friend/coworker. Doesn''t seem like a big thing for her to start being cold to you about, but I guess that was her way of dealing. Good that you called her out on it though, because in the grand scheme of life these are stupid things to hold grudges about instead of just talking about them.

I haven''t been dropped by any friends but I can see how it would be hurtful. There are lots of friends that have fallen by the wayside unintentionally as life gets busier. Thankfully these are the kind of friendships that time does not diminish, and a phone call can make it seem like it hasn''t been a year or more that has gone by, but merely a few moments. These are the true, amazing lifetime friendships.

 

[icekid]

um, reasons that we should be friends with men? haha.. seriously. women have the weirdest relationships. I''ll take a cute gay boy anyday of the week!