Wedding Wedding Vows Traditional v. Non-Traditional

[peridot83]

I''ve been to three weddings lately who all have had dramatically different vows.

One had a female officiant who described the bride as coming from a long line of strong women, read a poem, and the bride and groom recited their own short vows i.e "love you always."
The second wedding was in a baptist church, the sermon was on the bride''s role to obey and submit and the husband''s role to love and sacrifice.
The third was a hybrid of the two - removing the obey language from the Christian ceremony, but still had many traditional cultural & religious elements.

What are you doing or how have you felt as a guest? If you''re using the traditional Christian vows (esp. the obey language), are you doing so because of true belief? Or to respect the tradition of your family? Or because you don''t want to kick up a fuss?

If you''re using very non-traditional vows, how did your family and future spouse''s family react to the news? Did you feel something was lost (tradition, sentiment, respect from your guests of the seriousness of the occasion)?

 

[mimzy]

we put together our own vows and declaration of intent from a variety of traditional ones - i don't even think that any of the ones that we looked at had the 'obey' language in them. we showed them to the pastor at the church and he took no issue at all with them, and i don't think that my or FI's family would even think twice to question which vows we were using, much less take issue that they weren't "traditional" because they didn't have the 'obey' language it them. come to think of it, i don't think that i've ever actually heard the word 'obey' used in a wedding in the past five years.


if you don't want to use it, don't - no one should give it a second thought. you should mean every word of your vows. don't put something in them for the sake of tradition - THAT would ruin the sanctity of the ceremony if anything.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

We are having a friend obtain a one day license to preside over our marrige so I am sure the ceremony will be different and focus very little on religion. If anything, I''d expect it to be speckled with humor. We have not yet decided if we are going to write our own vows or stick with the traditional "in sickness and in health" style vows.

Our families support whatever decision we make in regards to the vows and ceremony. After all these years they have learned the meaning of the phrase "expect the unexpected"

 

[Octavia]

We''ll be having a civil ceremony, and although it''s still over a year away and we haven''t started writing our vows yet, there definitely won''t be any "obey language" or religion in them. I do want to keep some of the traditional language, though (love, honor, be faithful, good times and bad, etc).

My fiance''s biggest fear is having to remember long phrases in English (not his first language), and I''m hoping to surprise him on our wedding day by repeating mine in his home language (which I''m attempting to learn but not having much luck with), so I think our main goal when writing our vows will be choosing something heartfelt, yet very simple!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

my husband and I used traditional vows...althought there was nothing about obeying to be seen or heard.

we didn''t have an overtly religous ceremony, as it was held at our venue...we ended up "renting a priest".

But there was something really sweet about standing up there, saying the same words that countless other couples have sealed their marriage with.

 

[Gypsy]

We wrote our own vows. And we, and all our guests were just floored by how amazing it was. Everyone was so imoressed with how personal and how truly amazing the ceremony was as a result. I''ve had a few people mention our vows, and our ceremony. So I might just post them on here. It''s your commitment to one another, i think it should be a reflection of you... whether the traditional vows do that for you... or whether something else entirely works this is one aspect that is your personal choice. No one else, not parents, guests, officiants, IMO have the right to have any input on your vows. it''s all about you.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We tailored our entire ceremony to reflect our personal views on marriage. That meant no use of the term "unconditional love" or our wedding day being the first day of our life together. There was a lot of discussion about two whole people coming together in love and not two people coming together to be whole. Our reading was about the natural ebb and flow of all relationships and the commitment to make it through them. Our vows were tailored to us and expressed the joy of being ourselves, talked about cherishing our individuality and being partners through life's adventures (very catered to us, haha). We were adament about finding a JOP who really embraced the "feeling" of our wedding, which was that it was a celebration of the commitment we already had to each other. We included our families in our vows as well (JOP would ask "do you vow to support Dan and Nicole throughout this marriage, blah blah blah" and our families would say "I do".)

 

[isaku5]

Date: 10/1/2008 1:18:11 PM
Author: Gypsy
We wrote our own vows. And we, and all our guests were just floored by how amazing it was. Everyone was so imoressed with how personal and how truly amazing the ceremony was as a result. I''ve had a few people mention our vows, and our ceremony. So I might just post them on here. It''s your commitment to one another, i think it should be a reflection of you... whether the traditional vows do that for you... or whether something else entirely works this is one aspect that is your personal choice. No one else, not parents, guests, officiants, IMO have the right to have any input on your vows. it''s all about you.

I really like the idea of writing your own vows and have seen a few couples do that on "Rich Bride Poor Bride".

The traditional vows seem "sterile" by comparison. Gypsy, please share your and John''s vows with us.

I''m sorry for the slight threadjack.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Date: 10/1/2008 1:26:01 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
We tailored our entire ceremony to reflect our personal views on marriage. That meant no use of the term ''unconditional love'' or our wedding day being the first day of our life together. There was a lot of discussion about two whole people coming together in love and not two people coming together to be whole. Our reading was about the natural ebb and flow of all relationships and the commitment to make it through them. Our vows were tailored to us and expressed the joy of being ourselves, talked about cherishing our individuality and being partners through life''s adventures (very catered to us, haha). We were adament about finding a JOP who really embraced the ''feeling'' of our wedding, which was that it was a celebration of the commitment we already had to each other. We included our families in our vows as well (JOP would ask ''do you vow to support Dan and Nicole throughout this marriage, blah blah blah'' and our families would say ''I do''.)

This is exactly what I want my ceremony to be like. FI and I are currently searching for an officiant for our destination wedding, and one of them sent us a traditional ceremony, which, while it did not use "obey", just didn''t work for me, from "dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..." on out.

 

[kittybean]

We will be using traditional vows, but there is nothing about submission or obedience to be found in them. I would probably shy away from them if there was any language like that.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I prefer traditional vows or a mixture of traditional vows. I think the vows should definitley be tailored to the couple, and you shouldn't "vow" anything that you don't mean, but I'm just not into the personal vows.

I've never thought badly of anyone who chose to write their own vows, but the ones I have heard or read are either too cheesey or too intimate and make me feel awkward. I love my friend to death, but I seriously did not want to hear her use the word lover. yuck

She said something like, "I promise to be by your side, as your best friend, your lover, etc etc."

I also think the traditional vows say it best! I really think it is a personal decision, though, and you should go with whatever is the most meaningful to you. I'm a traditionalist... I like to sing out of the hymnal at church. I think the traditional vows are really beautiful and I tear up every time, but others might find them impersonal. No matter what you say during the vows, what really matters is the emotion behind them.

 

[Clio]

We used the traditional rites from the Book of Common Prayer. Even after the 1979 revision, it contains some of the most beautiful liturgical language I know.

Our priest was fine with removing "obey," but it was many years ago, and I honestly can''t remember if we did or not.

Because my parents are Baha''is, one of their good friends also read a Baha''i prayer, which had beautiful imagery (as Baha''i prayers generally do).

 

[SarahLovesJS]

We''re doing a mix of traditional/classic vows and vows we write. There''s no "obey" language in our vows, but they are more traditionally Christian/Spiritual in that they do mention God and whatnot. Our Rev helped a lot in picking them out! As for the traditional vows with the obey thing..we actually joked about that a bit with her (hope that doesn''t offend anyone..sorry if it does), but she said she NEVER does the "obey" thing..and never would.

 

[jstarfireb]

I'm in a unique position because my friend is officiating and will say pretty much anything I ask her to. So I wrote the whole ceremony, and I drafted out vows based on some ideas I saw on about.com. My FI approves of everything except that he'll probably write his own vow instead of taking the one I suggested, understandably enough. Anyway, I chose to have each of us say a brief vow, and then after we say our pieces, we'll each say the Unitarian vow (I'm a Unitarian Universalist): "With this ring, I wed you, and pledge you my love, now and forever." This will be followed with the officiant reciting the Apache Marriage Blessing, then pronouncing us husband and wife.

As a staunch feminist and secular humanist, there will be no mention of anything even close to "obey" or "submit" in our vows! Instead, mine include words like "respect," "care", "grow," and "nurture." The vows reflect my desire to make the whole wedding as nontraditional as possible. If guests don't like it, I say too bad for them! I'm adamant about having my wedding be a form of self-expression, like a work of art.