Wedding Wedding Gifts if you don''t attend Wedding

[violet02]

Since NoID brought up the topic of wedding gifts in another thread I was curious what people currently posting on here thought... I found an older post with some thoughts on this topic too.

If you're a guest to a wedding and you don't attend, can't attend, etc. Would you send/buy a wedding gift anyways?

For example, you're very close to your cousins or someone in your family. You've been to all 3 of their weddings, but they can't come to yours because you live on the west coast and they are on the east coast and they've decided they can't take the time off and may not be able to afford to make the trip since they all have kinds now. Something like that. I'm giving a closer family example as opposed to saying a friend you haven't seen in ten years but is coming... etc. We're having a small wedding (another example), 80 people with only immediate family and close friends coming.

Now PLEASE don't think I'm saying I should be getting any gifts here at all. I was just curious, what's the etiquette, if there isn't any what would you do?

If it was me personally I would buy a gift off their registry after I send my regrets for not being able to come to my friends/cousins wedding.

Thanks!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 6/27/2008 1:19:52 PM
Author:violet02

If you''re a guest to a wedding and you don''t attend, can''t attend, etc. Would you send/buy a wedding gift anyways?

Yes, absolutely.

 

[LegalGal]

I would send a gift off the registry.

 

[neatfreak]

If they are close or semi-close (i.e., I am genuinely sad I can''t go) I send a nice gift. If I feel that it was a random invite to generate presents (i.e., I haven''t spoken to the person in years and they aren''t a relative), I generally send a nice card and note but that is it.

 

[scarlet16]

I always send a gift off the registry (even if it is not a close friend). On average, I send about $100 (either check if there''s nothing I like on the registry or something off the registry).

I thought sending a gift was proper etiquette???

 

[musey]

Date: 6/27/2008 1:19:52 PM
Author:violet02

If you're a guest to a wedding and you don't attend, can't attend, etc. Would you send/buy a wedding gift anyways?

I don't know what the protocol is, but I would/do.

My uncle made a comment to my dad that since he won't be able to attend our wedding, he'll have to send an "extra special" gift. So some people may even go so far as to send a better gift to 'make up for' their absence, I guess? Or he may be thinking that he'd put what he would've put into travel expenses, into a gift instead. Not sure.

ETA: Ditto what neatfreak said (about sending a card to a random invite) as an opposite situation.

Anyway, I think that my approach to gift-giving would be the same whether I attend or not. I'd send the same thing in either instance.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/27/2008 1:40:37 PM
Author: scarlet16
I thought sending a gift was proper etiquette???

It is I think, but proper etiquette is also not inviting random people to generate gifts! I only don't send one in circumstances where I am pretty darn sure that I am invited to "show off" or because they know I won't come.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 6/27/2008 1:40:37 PM
Author: scarlet16

I thought sending a gift was proper etiquette???

It is.

(Do some uncouth people exploit this rule? Yes. Fortunately, it is not uncouth to send a smaller gift than if you were going to be in attendance; sending just a little something off their registry with a card to wish them well as they start their life together is always gracious on your part.)

 

[julesbeth]

We just send $100 if we can''t make the wedding...

 

[violet02]

I had a friend that invited over 200 people to his wedding and registered at 3 or 4 places AND included that info on his invitation. After the wedding they cut almost everyone out of their friendship circle saying it was too big and time for them to down-size since they felt it was about quality not quantity! Anyways I got him a nice gift since he''s a close friend and luckily I wasn''t on the cut list, but sheesh... seriously.

Anyways we''re only inviting people close to us, no one that we don''t have a current relationship/friendship with.

 

[alli_esq]

I would generally send a gift, though there was one time that I wasn''t able to attend a wedding in CO (I''m in NY) and didn''t send a gift. It still haunts me, but it was during my first year of law school and I literally did not have two coins to rub together, and the bride who invited me was an old roommate who stole from me and almost had me evicted.

Ah, guilt.

 

[surfgirl]

Generally, I''d send a gift, the level of which is dependent on my relationship with the couple. However, I would not send a gift to people, even relatives, that I literally never see. I was invited to the wedding of a 2nd or 3rd cousin a couple of years back, they invited everyone in the family however I haven''t seen the cousin since he was about 8 years old so I didn''t send a gift, I sent a card. Someone I used to take exercise classes with had a baby. I haven''t seen her in months and she makes no effort to keep in touch so I sent a card, I''m not sending gifts anymore to someone who I dont have an active relationship with. I just gave my 1st cousin a wedding gift but only because we''re 1st cousins and she gave us a gift. We dont have an active relationship at all but we''re close enough that it warrants a gift. I think you have to get a plan and stick to it, whatever works for you, you know?

 

[april diamonds]

I have never been invited to a wedding where I thought it was to only generate presents for the couple. I probably have been invited to some weddings because our parents are friends and would be polite to extend the invite to me. In either case, I have/would have sent a gift to the couple because I am genuinely happy that they are at such an exciting point in their lives.

The kind of gift depends on how close I am to them. If they are a very good friend I''d send a nicer gift, if just an acquantiance, then a simple gift off the registry. But yes, either way, I''d send a gift.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 6/27/2008 1:34:38 PM
Author: neatfreak
If they are close or semi-close (i.e., I am genuinely sad I can''t go) I send a nice gift. If I feel that it was a random invite to generate presents (i.e., I haven''t spoken to the person in years and they aren''t a relative), I generally send a nice card and note but that is it.

Ditto.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I would send a gift off the registry as well.

 

[Haven]

I always send a gift if I can''t attend a wedding, but as with weddings that I do attend, the type of gift varies according to my affection for the couple.

I''m with Musey''s uncle--if I can''t attend a wedding and I''m a bit heartbroken over it, I''ll send an extra nice gift to sort of "make up" for the fact that I won''t be there. It makes me feel better, at least.

We''ve gotten some incredible gifts from a few of FI''s clients who can''t attend the wedding. They''ve been working with him for years, and we do socialize with them, but I was shocked by their overwhelming generosity.

I suppose if you don''t view gifts as a sort of compensation for your meal at the wedding, then it''s natural to send one even if you can''t attend.

 

[NoID]

violet02 - while I was still living in NYC one of my friends got married and I didn''t want to go (I had some issues going on with the rest of the girl group and just didn''t think I would feel comfortable) and I sent them a $150 check (both me and my boyfriend at the time had been invited). I do think I could have sent half that and it would have been appropriate and I would have felt fine with it - but because of the relationship I felt $150 was more fitting.

On the other hand if someone invited me to their wedding and I haven''t talked or seen them for years, I would just send a card or a small gift.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/27/2008 1:34:38 PM
Author: neatfreak
If they are close or semi-close (i.e., I am genuinely sad I can''t go) I send a nice gift. If I feel that it was a random invite to generate presents (i.e., I haven''t spoken to the person in years and they aren''t a relative), I generally send a nice card and note but that is it.

Ditto. I don''t believe that receiving an invitation obligates me to send a gift, just as I hope no one I might invite would feel obligated to send me a gift.

I''ve also given gifts to couples who did not invite me to their wedding. I figure that if it''s someone that I''m happy for, and I want to help them start off their married life, then that''s my right. Sometimes I''m aware that they''re having a small wedding for some reason, sometimes I don''t know the circumstances and figure that mine is not to wonder why....

I hope that isn''t violating some rule of etiquette....