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Home visiting hospice

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bee*

bee*

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I have been friends with this amazing woman for years and over the past couple of months she has been admitted into a hospice. She''s roughly 90 now and I was speaking with another person that knows her and has advised that she doesn''t have many years left. My mother grooms her dog and the last time that she was speaking with my mother she told her that she doesn''t want me to know what''s happening to her (I knew already anyway). After speaking with the person today and talking to my mother, they both agreed that I should go and visit and that''s she would be really happy to see me. Im so nervous now that Im going to get all teary though when I go and visit her. I can''t even write this message without crying! Do you guys think that it is right of me to visit, when she told my mother not to tell me that she''s in the hospice? Also any tips on how not to get upset when I go in? I think that I''d really regret not going to visit her before she passes away
 
Bee,
Did she say why she told your mom not to tell you? I would want to respect her feelings, but if you are close to her I would go see her.

I actually made a mistake by not going to see my aunt who was dying and I so regret it to this day.
My MIL was in Hospice right before she passed. All I can say is get your crying out first, if you can.
Then go see her and let her know how important she is to you and that is why you had to see her.
Hospice is sad, but they are so good to the patients.
I will pray you can do it. Hugs to you Bee.
 
it''s hard, but if you don''t go, you may regret it.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 3:19:05 PM
Author: Skippy123
Bee,

Did she say why she told your mom not to tell you? I would want to respect her feelings, but if you are close to her I would go see her.


I actually made a mistake by not going to see my aunt who was dying and I so regret it to this day.

My MIL was in Hospice right before she passed. All I can say is get your crying out first, if you can.

Then go see her and let her know how important she is to you and that is why you had to see her.

Hospice is sad, but they are so good to the patients.

I will pray you can do it. Hugs to you Bee.
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Yeah she just said that she didn''t want to upset me. We''ve been close since I was 16 so she still thinks of me as a little girl. I have thursday off work so Im going to go in then. I know that I''ll regret it if I don''t go. I don''t think it will be too hard to get all my crying out before hand! I haven''t stopped in the last half hour!
 
Definitly go, be upbeat, take flowers, don''t treat her like it''s her last dying day. Visit her like any other visit and tell her you''ll see her agian when you leave. Hospice care is usually short term (3-6 months) but for now she is alive and sholdn''t be ignored. She probbly won''t even ask you how you found out. She''ll just be glad for the visit as her days are probably boring and long.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 3:23:55 PM
Author: bee*



Date: 6/25/2007 3:19:05 PM
Author: Skippy123
Bee,

Did she say why she told your mom not to tell you? I would want to respect her feelings, but if you are close to her I would go see her.


I actually made a mistake by not going to see my aunt who was dying and I so regret it to this day.

My MIL was in Hospice right before she passed. All I can say is get your crying out first, if you can.

Then go see her and let her know how important she is to you and that is why you had to see her.

Hospice is sad, but they are so good to the patients.

I will pray you can do it. Hugs to you Bee.
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Yeah she just said that she didn't want to upset me. We've been close since I was 16 so she still thinks of me as a little girl. I have thursday off work so Im going to go in then. I know that I'll regret it if I don't go. I don't think it will be too hard to get all my crying out before hand! I haven't stopped in the last half hour!
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Oh Bee! I have tears in my eyes for you. I so understand. The good thing is that you can go see her. I am glad you are going since you have this chance. Tell her how much you love her!!! I have you and her in my prayers.
 
Thanks everyone! Will definitely get her a nice bouquet of flowers and chat to her. It''s great as she was allowed to bring her dog with her so will bring him some treats too.
 
Bee, I''m really sorry to hear about your friend. She sounds llike a special person who has lived a long life so far, and I''m very glad you decided to go visit. I just want to wish you luck to help you through.
 
I think you should go but as Skippy said, try to get your crying out beforehand so you dont upset her. I always try to be as upbeat and funny as possible. When my grandmother was dying, we were sitting around the bed telling jokes (we''re a weird family!) and every so often my grandmother would start laughing so we knew she was still listening. I think laughter is such a powerful medicine in times like this.
 
How does hospice care work where you are? In my case, hospice involves a visit from a nurse and an aid a few times a week, and my mother is at home. Hospice used to mean imminent death, but these days, they support people sometimes for years. They offer a way to provide services so that the patient is not going to a hospital frequently--to keep the person comfortable as possible at home. Our hospice does have a special wing at the hospital, for respite visits up to a week for the caregiver's sake, but mainly they (the patients) stay at home.

I think it is a scary time for the patients at first, because they do not know what to expect. I know that seeing friends has helped my mother take her mind off of the daily downs. I would just go and be yourself. If you cry, then that's ok. I'd hate to see you regret not going, later.
 
Oh, and I need to add that hospice is following my mother to her assisted living facility, and will check on her and provide medicine there. I can''t tell you how much easier life has been made for everyone with hospice.
 
In Ireland a hospice is a nursing home that provides palliative care to people who are dying. Some people also receive palliative care at home but the term hospice usually means a nursing home or hospital.

Bee you absolutely should go to see your friend. I never said goodbye to my Nana and eleven years later it still hurts so much that I didn''t do that. I had a silly fight with my Mam and being a silly teenager I stopped talking to everyone in the house including my poor Nana. I still completely break down about every six months or so because I miss her so much and I never told her how important she was to me or said goodbye properly.

Please go, it will mean the world to your friend. And please don''t be hard on yourself if you find you do start crying. Sending hugs. I''ll be thinking of you on Thursday.
 
My best friend died in a hospice that was run by the local hospital. The atmosphere there wasn't gloomy or depressing. There are always friendly nurses and staff on the premises, and they take excellent care of the patients. Visitors can generally stop in at any time. I don't think you'll regret visiting your friend while she is in the hospice. You could tell her that you heard she was there from somebody other than your mother.
 
yeah the hospice over here is as delster described-she was able to go in and out a few times earlier this year but she''s been told this time that she wont be leaving basically. Thanks for everyones support. I feel a bit better about going in to see her now that Ive cried my eyes out yesterday. Think I got all my tears out!! Thanks again!
 
Oh Bee, I am so sorry. You probably will still have more crying in you but you love her and letting her know how much she means to you, is so important. You are a good friend.
 
Bee, this is sad news.

I think you should definitely go see her. My grammy (87ish) is just like this. She doesn't like anyone to know when she's ill. The first time she had cancer, I didn't find out until, literally, 15 years later. I think this is because people don't want us to worry. I have only finally convinced my family that this is SILLY!

But ask yourself, if you were her, wouldn't you secretly really want your young friends to come see you?

The trick, I think, is not to make a fuss about what's happened. So, now, if my grammy is ill (she just had a breast removed from cancer... her third variety) what I do is sort of vaguely acknowledge it, then just have a normal conversation, unless SHE wants to talk about it. This works super well and makes her more comfy telling me something's wrong in the first place.

So if you show up with some board games or books or mags and say 'Hey! Isn't it about time for a visit?' And then just be all as normal, as if nothing special had happened, then she'll probably be more comfortable and also OVERJOYED to see you.

She just doesn't want you to feel sad or sorry for her, probably. So if you're all as normal, it will be good.

Wouldn't you be thrilled if you were her? Plus, you'll regret it if you don't spend time with her while you can.
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Bee, I''m so glad you decided to go see her. I''m sure she''ll be so happy to see you. She doesn''t want you to know how ill she is. She''s trying to spare you of all the hard stuff. I found when my Nanny had hospice, my visits really brought a smile to her face. I''d help her with her crossword puzzles and word jumbles. And sometimes I would read to her. But it was me coming to see her and spend time with her that brought a smile to her face when it was needed most. You''ll be fine!!
 
I''m so sorry bee. I''m glad you decided to go see your friend. Maybe she did not want you to know because she did not want you to worry. A dear friend of our family, and my softball coach for a number of years when I was growing up, was diagnosed with cancer while I was in college. He, his wife, and my parents did not want to tell me because they knew I''d want to come home during my exams. When they told me what was happening and I came home, it was too late. I''m so happy you have the opportunity to see her again!
 
Thanks again everyone! I am going in to see her at about 11 tomorrow morning
 
Bee no pressure to reply to this, just wanted to let you know I''m thinking of you and your friend today. I hope the visit goes well.
 
Thanks Delster! Im just back from visiting her. I had gotten all my crying out-I bawled crying in work yesterday too so was a bit mortified for the rest of the day, but ah well. So this morning, there was no way I could cry anymore. I got her beautiful roses and lillies and some treats for her doggie and I went to visit her. My first reaction was she looked so different-she''s lost tons of weight and for someone who was always tall and skinny anyway she really was skeletal. She was delighted to see me, she even had tears in her eyes when I came in. She talked away to me and her speech has gotten so slow. What''s really sad is that her dog growled at someone yesterday so she can''t stay with her all the time now. Her nextdoor neighbour is bring the dog in and out daily now to her so she was really upset about that as he had kind of been her lifeline in there.

We talked for ages and I just did a lot of listening. It was really upsetting hearing her say how she wished that she could just die now and how she wishes that she hadn''t gone to a specialist as if she hadn''t gone to him she would be dead by now etc. And she gave me lots of words of advice for the future and how she thought that myself and D were soul mates and that it''s great that we found each other so young and to live your life and don''t be scared of the unknown and go for all your goals and dreams as they can happen. A couple of times I had tears in my eyes but I quickly got them to disappear as I could tell she couldn''t have handled me bawling. Im going to see her on Sunday again as I have a day off that day and on the way out she asked me to bring my dog (in my avatar) into see her. I wasn''t sure if she would be allowed so after checking with the nurses they said that as long as my dog is on a lead they don''t mind if she comes in. Im looking forward to seeing her on sunday and she kept saying how thrilled she was that I came to visit her and that it''s made her day so Im delighted that I went to see her. Its terrible as she has no immediate family of her own left. She''s just such an amazing woman and Im going to miss her so much.

Sorry for waffling on so much-just writing it out has kind of sorted it out in my own head too.
 
Date: 6/28/2007 9:46:18 AM
Author: bee*
Thanks Delster! Im just back from visiting her. I had gotten all my crying out-I bawled crying in work yesterday too so was a bit mortified for the rest of the day, but ah well. So this morning, there was no way I could cry anymore. I got her beautiful roses and lillies and some treats for her doggie and I went to visit her. My first reaction was she looked so different-she''s lost tons of weight and for someone who was always tall and skinny anyway she really was skeletal. She was delighted to see me, she even had tears in her eyes when I came in. She talked away to me and her speech has gotten so slow. What''s really sad is that her dog growled at someone yesterday so she can''t stay with her all the time now. Her nextdoor neighbour is bring the dog in and out daily now to her so she was really upset about that as he had kind of been her lifeline in there.


We talked for ages and I just did a lot of listening. It was really upsetting hearing her say how she wished that she could just die now and how she wishes that she hadn''t gone to a specialist as if she hadn''t gone to him she would be dead by now etc. And she gave me lots of words of advice for the future and how she thought that myself and D were soul mates and that it''s great that we found each other so young and to live your life and don''t be scared of the unknown and go for all your goals and dreams as they can happen. A couple of times I had tears in my eyes but I quickly got them to disappear as I could tell she couldn''t have handled me bawling. Im going to see her on Sunday again as I have a day off that day and on the way out she asked me to bring my dog (in my avatar) into see her. I wasn''t sure if she would be allowed so after checking with the nurses they said that as long as my dog is on a lead they don''t mind if she comes in. Im looking forward to seeing her on sunday and she kept saying how thrilled she was that I came to visit her and that it''s made her day so Im delighted that I went to see her. Its terrible as she has no immediate family of her own left. She''s just such an amazing woman and Im going to miss her so much.


Sorry for waffling on so much-just writing it out has kind of sorted it out in my own head too.
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Oh wow, this had me in tears too... what an amazing lady your friend is. I''m so glad your visit went well. That''s so sad about her dog, I''m sure it will mean so much to her to get to see your dog.

You''re a very good friend Bee. Waffle away as much as you like, we''re hear to listen. >>hugs
 
Bee, although the situation is dire, I''m happy your visit went as well as it could have. *hugs*
 
Thanks Delster and Irishangel. I am very happy that I went into see her now and feeling a bit better about the visit earlier.
 
Bee, I''m glad you got to see her. It is very sad and I can imagine it was very hard, too. The good news is that you will look back without regret and know that she was so very glad to see and talk to you. She can''t come to the people she wants to see, they have to go to her, and I''m sure seeing people she loves before passing on is very comforting. I''m glad you''ll be able to go see her on Sunday as well.

Try not to dwell on her wishing to have already died. She''s ready to go, and really, what a blessing that is. So many people die before they are done living, and she is 90 and has had a full life. Enjoy whatever time you have left to spend with her and let her go when she passes.

Sending prayers.
 
Date: 6/28/2007 4:36:12 PM
Author: bee*
Thanks Delster and Irishangel. I am very happy that I went into see her now and feeling a bit better about the visit earlier.
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Oh, that is wonderful news. I am sure she appreciated it. You are a good soul.
 
Thanks lumpkin and Skippy
 
Just to keep you all updated-I went in to see her again today. Apparently she had a really bad day yesterday but she was in much better form today. I was so proud of my dog. She''s a very excitable golden retriever and I was a bit worried that she would try and jump on her or crush her in the bed or something! She just sat by her bed and rested her head beside my friend so that she could rub her. She really was so good. Im going to go and see her one evening this week again as Im heading to NY on friday so just want to see her again before I go.
 
Dogs are very healing; I love golden retriever. I am so glad you are seeing your friend; sorry she had a bad night. I bet she really appreciates it!
 
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