Wedding Vent: My family isn''t sharing in my joy (long)

[brooklyngirl]

at. I called my mom when I got home to tell her the good news, and she didn''t seem so thrilled. I bought the dress with my MoH, my mom hasn''t gone with me on any of my dress shopping excursions, so I''m thinking she''s a bit upset that she wasn''t involved in this. So, now I feel kind of bad. But on the other hand, mom and I have different tastes when it comes to weddings in general, and I think had she gone with us this time, she probably would have talked me out of the dress, and that would have been sad, because if it wasn''t for the trunk show today, there is no way I would have been able to afford this dress. I love my mom, and I want her to be involved, but anytime I take her to help out with wedding related things, i.e. looking at venues, she never likes the same things I do, and makes this fact very apparent to everyone else. At this point I sort of feel like I don''t want to show her the dress because she might not like it, and if she makes it known (which she will) I''ll be upset, and start second guessing myself, and I don''t want that.

So, then my sister calls. I tell her the good news, and start describing the dress, and she asks how much I paid for it and i told her (don''t flame me, she asked so I told). I told her not to mention that fact to our mom, because she might disapprove and I think it''s none of her business. Then sis tells me well if you spend that much on the dress, then you shouldn''t nickel and dime the rest of the wedding (I was thinking of having a DJ instead of a live band). Now I''m PO''d, because now I''m being judged on how I spend my wedding budget by my own sister

. I tried calmly to explain to her that I spend money on things that matter to me (i.e. my dress is really important to me, but whether I have a band or a DJ isn''t). But she just kept on with it.


I was thinking of not showing anyone the dress before the wedding but sis kind of came out with, "MoH gets to see the dress but your mom and sister don''t?". Now I feel kind of bad, like I''m excluding mom and sis, and pushing them away. I want to be close to them, especially during this period in my life, but I''ve never been that close with them. They''re very close with each other, but I didn''t always fit in, so, I''m torn.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Aww brooklyn I am sorry. Did your Mom ask to come? I don''t think you said that she did, but maybe she wanted to be invited? Either way, what''s done is done. Just try to include them if you can in the future. However, I do not think people should be judging you over money. That''s really rude and annoying to me. It''s happened to me often as well, but the best response is just to not discuss it (refuse to answer the question) or ignore their responses. Just don''t drive yourself into debt, and do what makes you and your FI happy. That''s what matters.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 6/25/2008 12:14:14 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Aww brooklyn I am sorry. Did your Mom ask to come? I don't think you said that she did, but maybe she wanted to be invited? Either way, what's done is done. Just try to include them if you can in the future. However, I do not think people should be judging you over money. That's really rude and annoying to me. It's happened to me often as well, but the best response is just to not discuss it (refuse to answer the question) or ignore their responses. Just don't drive yourself into debt, and do what makes you and your FI happy. That's what matters.

Hi Sarah

Thanks for your response. My mom never really asked to come, and she works during the day, so she wouldn't be able to come with me today anyway. I do include my family, in other things, such as the planning of the reception. I am going to go over the menu with her to see what she thinks, and if there's anything that needs adjustment. Food is (to me, at least) is an integral part of the wedding, and I very much value her opinion as far as that goes. I'll definitely want both my mom and sister to help me get ready and get into my dress the day of the wedding, and I'll have them come with me to my fittings -- so perhaps that would alleviate (sp?) their feeling of being left out. I didn't want to leave them out, I was just scared that they'd try to sway me in a particular direction, and I wanted to make this decision on my own. Frankly, I thought they'd make this difficult task even harder.

As far as the judging over money -- I was pretty shocked at that one. My family often asks how much things cost, and I tell them, because they're my immediate family, and they ask out of curiosity. I was really surprised by this.

At least FI is happy, and doesn't feel we've spent money in the wrong places. As long as he is ok with the cost of the dress, I'm ok with it. Oh, and we're definitely NOT going into debt over this wedding. Luckily we've been able to save quite a bit over the years, and have no problems funding a wedding. Geez, I think my family should be thrilled that we're able to afford such nice things.

 

[karasue91]

bklyn, i think we have all felt this way at one point or another during the wedding planning process. i''m in a similar situation, my mom and i aren''t that close and i sort of expected, or hoped, that this wedding stuff would pull us together a little but it really hasn''t. at all, in fact. hahaha

if i were you, i dont think i would show them the dress. just turn it into "i want you all to be surprised when you see the dress for the first time!" and then they won''t take it personally.

as for your sis''s comments, if she''s not paying she has no say in how you spend the money for the wedding. it sounds like you are paying for it yourselves, and therefore you are entitled to spend your money on what YOU want. i think DJs are more fun than live bands anyway!!

don''t worry about it hun, just focus on the stuff that makes you and FI happy. easier said than done, i know, but it really does it get easier to ignore everyone else''s opinions!!!

 

[cara]

Wow. Your sister is a bully! What nerve. I certainly wouldn't want to show her the dress after that reaction. "nickel and dime" your guests for making them suffer with a DJ! Tell her a good DJ is better than a bad band, and you aren't discussing finances with her anymore. Then don't. And don't show her the dress unless you both think she can be supportive. (Any chance she might be jealous she's not the MOH?)

As for your mother, I can't tell if she deserves quite the distance your sister should get. Sounds like you made the right decision not bringing her dress shopping, as it would not work well if your tastes are so different. You would have been frustrated mother didn't like what you liked, mother would have been frustrated with your choices, etc. If you think she could genuinely be supportive of whatever you have picked, I might show her the dress if she wants to see it early. Unless you suspect she might have a similar 'tude to your sister.

In which case, distance. Distance from both of them is needed... It might be quite healthy that you have this distance from them, and trying to force it closer is not beneficial. Not if they use their access to punish you for your choices!

 

[VRBeauty]

I understand that you''re disappointed about your mother and sisters'' reactions, but I gotta say.... their lack of enthusiasm about a dress they haven''t seen is very different from not sharing your joy in your wedding, which is what I kinda expected when I saw the title to your thread. Which is a backhand, passive-aggressive way of saying... maybe this doesn''t have to be a big deal.

I'' m sure I''m closer to your mother''s age than to yours. With that disclaimer out of the way, I think it''s pretty normal for a mother to expect that she''ll have some role in choosing her daughter''s wedding gown. Is it reasonable? Not necessarily. But weddings come with a lot of traditions, and this is one of them. So if you think that your mother is miffed at not being a part of this tradition, and you value her feelings, you might give her a call to try to explain and try mollify her a bit. It might go something like... "Mom, I''m sorry, but I know that your taste is very different that mine, and.... "... or, (if your mother has the bargain hunter gene) "I knew as soon as I tried it on that this was the dress I wanted, and I would have waited for you to see it but I got such a good deal by ordering it at the trunk show that I knew you''d understand"....

Your sister''s rationale is really reaching, and seems to be out of bounds. Unless she''s a conduit for reaching out to your mother, I''m not sure I''d bother even trying to reach her.

I suspect a few brides to be are thinking that it''s your dress, your day, and the rest is secondary. But I understand your mother''s disappointment in not being a part of the dress selection. Many a PS bride -- and PS brides are not wimps! -- has considered her mother''s opinion when choosing a wedding dress. I''d suggest that you try to include your mother somehow even though the deed is done.

BTW I''m truly sorry that you feel like a third wheel in the mother-daughter relationship. I I were you I''d also ignore your sister''s attempts to guilt-trip you into giving her veto power over your selection. My comments are limited to your mother, and if the two are really a package deal... then all bets are off.

Best wishes!

 

[brooklyngirl]

karasue91 - I also thought that wedding planning would bring us all closer together, working toward the same goal, but it hasn''t. I guess everyone''s vision of the wedding is different, and no one wants to give that up. We are paying for the wedding ourselves. Our parents offered to help us with the expenses, but we said, absolutely not, and this is the reason. Thankfully we can afford it without going into debt or draining our savings, so we thought we would skip the headache. But here we are -- with a headache! I have been getting better at ignoring people''s opinions, but I do get upset when I sense that people aren''t being supportive, especially when it''s those who are as close as my mom and sis.

cara - I really didn''t expect this reaction from my sister. She has always been the voice of reason when it comes to me having conflict with my mom. She was very supportive during the venue search, and though she may not have liked some of the places we looked at, she always said that if we like it she''s happy. She even talked to my mom about her behavior throughout the search, telling her that she should be more suportive, and that it didn''t matter what we chose, as long as we chose something that would meet our needs. I''ve never thought that my sis would be jealous of my bff being MoH, it''s always been a known fact. I think she was just upset that she wasn''t involved in the dress buying process. Although I always sent her pictures of my dress try-ons, so I did try to involve her (Sis is married with 2 kids, and works very long hours, so she didn''t really have time to spend dress shopping). My mom is very opinionated, and may not be very supportive if the dress isn''t something she would have picked.

Err, I already sent my sister a picture of the dress (the stock photo from MS''s site, I don''t have one of me in it). I will see her reaction to this, and if it''s not supportive, I won''t invite sis and mom to the fittings. The dress looks a bit different on the model than it would on me, and I don''t want to see that they don''t like the dress at the fitting -- I think that would be too much to bear

.

 

[brooklyngirl]

MINIMS - When I spoke to my sister, I mentioned my mom's reaction, and she had the same thoughts as you. I do have an inkling of the same, BUT, this is the last event in a string of things that have happened since we got engaged -- starting with the engagement. FI and I went to my parents' house to give them the new first, and my mom was visibly not happy about the engagement. No smiles, no congratulations, no excitedness whatsoever. Even FI noticed it, which I'm sure didn't feel so great. Then when we took her to look at venues, it was the same thing. There is one venue she liked, but we didn't and all she kept talking about was that venue, when it didn't suit our needs/wants. The whole process has been stressful, and I was hoping the dress buying process wouldn't be that way. I did have every intention of bringing my mom and sister to see the dress before I bought it, but I couldn't do that without paying an extra $1000 for the dress (which would have put it out of my budget).

This was out of character for my sister, although sometimes she is known to say hurtful things without realizing it, so I'll see what she says about the dress.

As far as my mom, I'll go over there and chat with her, and I will see if I can get her to come to the dress fittings with me, if I see that she's being supportive. While I value her opinion, I really disliked all the other dresses I tried on, and when I tried this one on, I could really see myself getting married in it, and I knew this was it. Even though I intended to have my mom see the dress, I was pretty worried that I'd come out without the dress.

Mom and sis are a package deal. My mom is definitely closer to my sister, and gives more weight to my sister's opinion than anyone else's (including mine). When my mom is being too pushy, or rude about things, my sister is the only person who can make her see what she's doing. Otherwise, my mom just thinks that she knows best and that everyone (especially me) should do things her way.

Thank you for the candid response. I really appreciate having a view from my mother's perspective!

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/25/2008 12:35:44 AM
Author: cara
Wow. Your sister is a bully! What nerve. I certainly wouldn''t want to show her the dress after that reaction. ''nickel and dime'' your guests for making them suffer with a DJ! Tell her a good DJ is better than a bad band, and you aren''t discussing finances with her anymore. Then don''t. And don''t show her the dress unless you both think she can be supportive. (Any chance she might be jealous she''s not the MOH?)


As for your mother, I can''t tell if she deserves quite the distance your sister should get. Sounds like you made the right decision not bringing her dress shopping, as it would not work well if your tastes are so different. You would have been frustrated mother didn''t like what you liked, mother would have been frustrated with your choices, etc. If you think she could genuinely be supportive of whatever you have picked, I might show her the dress if she wants to see it early. Unless you suspect she might have a similar ''tude to your sister.


In which case, distance. Distance from both of them is needed... It might be quite healthy that you have this distance from them, and trying to force it closer is not beneficial. Not if they use their access to punish you for your choices!

Ditto.

And I''m sorry they''re not being supportive. That feels awful. I''d surround myself with joyful, supportive people if I were you.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Haven - Thanks for replying. I must say that I'm really dissapointed as to how the whole thing turned out. But if this is the way it is, there is nothing I can do about it. At least I have MoH and FI who are thrilled with my purchase. I am so proud of myself that I was decisive, picked the dress and paid for it all by myself -- and that the decision was all mine! So, I guess I'm happy either way.

 

[Bia]

Its crazy, and so unfortunate, that so much drama is involved at weddings--a time when everyone should be happy and celebrating. Leave it to family man...

I think you should do whatever will make you happy. If including your mother and sister won''t be a big deal, regardless of if you''re close or not, then do it. If you really would rather not, then don''t. Everyone is always going to have an opinion, some will agree, others will not. In the end you have to do what makes you happy. In this case more than ever, afterall, IT IS YOUR AND FI''S WEDDING--No one elses!

Sorry, this can''t be easy for you...