Wedding vent: BM bringing a stranger to the rehearsal dinner

[calidaisy]

my wedding is this saturday and i'm stressing over everything.

i just called one of my BM because she hasn't rsvp-ed to the rehearsal dinner.
i knew that she was planning to bring her kids since she's a single mom. however, she said she is also bringing a houseguest (whom she is not even close to) to the dinner as well.

she didn't ask but declared that she's bringing this acquaintance ... knowing it was going to be at a nice restaurant (we're expecting it to be $40+ per head), i don't know whether i'm being petty (what's extra $40+ in $$$$ i'm spending for the whole wedding?) and over reacting to feel that she is being inconsiderate to our finances ... or if she is being inconsiderate and rude to declare at the last minute about bringing an extra person.

i don't know. i'm stressed.

 

[goldenstar]

I don''t think you''re overreacting at all. This would bother me too. I wouldn''t want someone I didn''t know at the rehearsal dinner unless there was a compelling reason for him to be there and the BM asked first. Rehearsal dinners are pretty intimate events.

I hate when guests invite others to any party I host without asking me first. I would never invite someone without talking to the host, and there would have to be some good reason for it.

 

[kittybean]

I don''t think you''re overreacting. It is pretty nice, in my opinion, that you are letting her children come to the rehearsal dinner! The fact that she hadn''t RSVP''d and is bringing a random without asking you first is in poor taste. As goldenstar said, it''s not like the rehearsal dinner is a huge party--it is an intimate affair with the closest of friends and family. I don''t think you''re wrong to be upset, but I''m not really sure what you can do about it unless you want to alienate her. She has put you in a very bad position, but I don''t see how you can insist she not bring her guest without a fuss from her, if she is the type of person I''m guessing she is. You might just have to let the random come, sadly. Good luck with this difficult situation!

 

[Sparkalicious]

Calidaisy - Sorry, this is really irritating and something you don''t need to deal with right now.
Honestly, some people forget about the actual expenditure involved in a wedding and just get wrapped up in the excitement of it and do inconsiderate things like inviting people on their whim.

While I would be having heart palpitations and getting really annoyed about this myself, I''m thinking that you have few options, you can further affect yourself by harboring resentment and being irritated about it or you can either pay the $40, have the guest there and move on knowing that your friend/BM was lacking good judgement when making this demand or inform your BM that unfortunately, due to your budget constraints or the final number already being forwarded to the restaurant etc - whatever you can think of - you are not able to accept additional guests at this time. If she is, therefore, unable to attend, could she kindly RSVP to inform you.

Seriously, don''t stress about it. It''s not going to change anything. Just decide how you are going to deal with it. You are going to have a fabulous day on Saturday regardless of whether or not her guest attends the rehearsal dinner or not. Try to focus on that.

Wishing you all the best for a wonderful wedding day and a beautiful life with you to be husband!

 

[doodle]

Wow. Granted, I have an evil streak, but I''m not even letting my own sister''s fiance bring his child, so I can''t imagine the conversation that would take place if she called to say she were bringing a complete stranger! You''re a kinder soul than I!

That being said, have a FAAAABULOUS wedding!

 

[Mayflower25]

I have to agree with the ladies that have already responded. This is very poor manners on her part. She should have at least ASKED first! With that being said, it sounds like you didn''t outwardly object when she told you over the phone, and that your moment to refuse the uninvited guest has already passed. I say, let it be- and enjoy the rest of your wedding!

On a side note, I can vouch for those who might be oblivious to wedding guest etiquette. I was a BM in my sister''s wedding and decided on my date about 2 weeks before the big day. My sister had already factored in that I would be bringing someone, but he was someone I had only been dating for 3 weeks up until then. It never occurred to me that this might be "unacceptable" and my sister never hinted if she was annoyed, but boy- if I was her I would have been peeved! Overall, it worked out and my date was a fantastic guest whom my family enjoyed. In the end, my sister had a beautiful wedding and last-minute-date-guy is now my FI!

 

[calidaisy]

thanks goldenstar, kittybean, Sparkalicious, doodle and Mayflower25 for your responses.

i was too flabbergasted when my BM stated matter of factly that "four of us" will be coming (i had to ask a number of times who the 4th person was).
i did try to hint that the 4th person was not invited by mentioning the name of the restaurant and how some of my cousins from OOT are not invited to the dinner, but i couldn''t openly say that her guest is not invited.

considering that my BM is not even "casually dating" this person ... i just feel like she''s treating someone to a nice dinner at my expense. *sigh*

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/23/2008 1:54:01 PM
Author: calidaisy
thanks goldenstar, kittybean, Sparkalicious, doodle and Mayflower25 for your responses.

i was too flabbergasted when my BM stated matter of factly that ''four of us'' will be coming (i had to ask a number of times who the 4th person was).

i did try to hint that the 4th person was not invited by mentioning the name of the restaurant and how some of my cousins from OOT are not invited to the dinner, but i couldn''t openly say that her guest is not invited.



considering that my BM is not even ''casually dating'' this person ... i just feel like she''s treating someone to a nice dinner at my expense. *sigh*

Why can''t you say that the person isn''t invited? She''s being rude, not you honey!

 

[princesss]

If you don't feel comfortable just calling and saying no, is there any way you can call back and say that you and FI have tried to figure something out, but unfortunately due to budget constraints there's no way to work the guest in? And she's such a great friend, you know she understands, kthanksbye?

I'm not a bride, but it really seems like ettiquette shouldn't force you to host somebody (at an intimate event, nonetheless) that you didn't offer an invitation to.

 

[calidaisy]

neatfreak, i wish i could''ve said that last night but i feel like i lost my opportunity now.

plus, i got the impression that my BM felt entitled to bring a guest/ date. i don''t know ... i don''t know what she''s thinking and i''m just glad that she''s not bringing the 4th person to the wedding.

 

[calidaisy]

princess, i feel like it''s too late to do that.
plus, i feel like my BM thinks that b/c we''re in a higher income bracket than she is ... money shouldn''t be an issue or something. i really don''t know how i can relay the message without jeopardizing our friendship at this point. i feel bothered that she''s treating my intimate rehearsal dinner like a backyard barbeque and decided to bring a guest without asking first but i think this is something that i should let go.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/23/2008 2:08:36 PM
Author: calidaisy
neatfreak, i wish i could''ve said that last night but i feel like i lost my opportunity now.

plus, i got the impression that my BM felt entitled to bring a guest/ date. i don''t know ... i don''t know what she''s thinking and i''m just glad that she''s not bringing the 4th person to the wedding.

Just say that you''re sorry but that you had to turn other people''s dates away due to space/money constraints and it just wouldn''t be fair to other guests for her to bring a "date" when you already said no to others.

 

[marchswallowbird]

You''d better doublecheck that she is not planning on bringing this person to the wedding, now that she''s gotten away with inviting him to the rehearsal dinner.

 

[julesbeth]

Ugh! I TOTALLY don''t think you are overreacting! I would be upset too.

I am having a issue with one of my BM''s too. Right now, I am just letting myself get angry about these things, talk about it with my FI or friends and then let it go. I don''t want to be angry at the reh. dinner or on the big day.

Best of luck!!

 

[Gwyn]

I always thought it was weird when people in the wedding party bring dates to the rehersal dinner (when they are local). Mostly because, in my circle, it has always been that the people that came out for the actual rehersal (all the people in the wedding) and the OOT guests that are staying at the place. I wouldnt think that the MOH''s date (if they both lived in town) would come to the wedding''s dress rehersal, so why would he come to the dinner afterwards?

However, FI''s circle seems to be different in that the dates and such do come out just for the dinner so, I guess you learn something new everyday. Personally, if she is already bringing her kids, its kind of rude to tack on another guest. But you have to pick you battles, so just decide if this is something worth fighting for or let it slide. Either way, you have us here to vent to