Wedding upset, am I right to be?

[sparkly_stars]

I just got done talking with FMIL, just giving her an update on our very small wedding that is coming up pretty quickly.

Before I get into details, let me give you some background.
We live in Calgary and are going home to New-Brunswick (across the country) to get married with our friends and family. Our flights were gifts arranged last year by both sets of parents because they REALLY wanted us to be home for Christmas (which is why we decided to get married then- since it''s so expensive to fly home - approx $1200 per person).
When we shared the news that we were getting married, FMIL told me that his flight home would be his Christmas and our wedding gift- which is fine.
The cost of the actual wedding, which is being held at my mom''s beautiful log house (fits my winter theme!), is being absorbed by us (FI and I) and my parents- my parents are taking care of decorating, food, wine and liquor etc. my sister, as a wedding gift is getting us a photographer! and FI and I are paying for the rest.

Our guest list can only be around 30 people max. Because it is at our home, and we don''t want to be squeezed too tight.

WELL. his parents aren''t together, so the invites went like this- One for his dad and his girlfriends of several years, his mother and her friend (so she wouldn''t have to be alone I guess- ALTHOUGH I only found out SHE invited her friend afterwards and I didn''t know about this) but I understood and thought it wasn''t the end of the world.

But just now, we were talking about the progress and make sure that everyone she wanted there (FI''s grandmother, father and his gf and her friend) and she says "well I might have a date" so I ask who he is? She says his name is David and he is a really nice guy- and I say well okay, but please let me know asap since I can only invite about 30 guests TOTAL- and she said "I will, as soon as I decide whether I should date him or not"

UGGGGH.

SO now, I have to maybe have this guy, who I have never even met- who MAY or MAY NOT date my FMIL and cover the costs and have my guest list reduced since I can only have about 30 guests? Someone who has NEVER met us?
If she covered any of the wedding cost, I guess I''d be more willing to keep my mouth shut...but its frustrating that my already small guest list is becoming smaller for all these extra invites.
THIRTY PEOPLE.

For those wondering why we are having such a small wedding- two reasons, first, I wanted it romantic and intimate with those I love...and second, FI isn''t overly outgoing. Thing is I have a lot of friends, and a huge family- so when we picked our guest list...we made it a point of picking those who have stuck through with us with all of the bad and good in our life.
Ugh.

Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry so long, FI just wasn''t really getting it- just kind of agreeing with what I am saying (but in the way that drives me nuts)
hahaha.
okay, I am BRREATHING!

 

[dragonfly411]

Should you be upset that she''s holding out on deciding and giving you short notice? Yes
Should you be upset that she''ll want a date, esp since future FIL will have one? No

 

[sparkly_stars]

Thing is, she is inviting a friend that FI and I have no ties to- for the reason of wanting a date. Someone I wouldn''t have invited otherwise.
This is a date we have never met, and this is a guy she isn''t even sure she wants to date- the wedding is in less then 3 months, therefore...how "close" will he be to her, or us for that matter by then considering its an intimate wedding of 30 people.

I realize she would want a date if his dad is bringing one (his girlfriend of 5 years +), but we''ve given her an invitation to do as she pleases. She isn''t contributing to the cost of the wedding and like I said...we are very limited with our guest list. I am not inviting a lot of people, and now to have to limit the guest list even more for a guy I don''t know?

 

[dragonfly411]

Has she already used the invite you gave her for someone?

 

[sparkly_stars]

Yes, she has invited her girl friend-
She now wants to invite a date, if she decides to date him. (knowing that it will take away a friend, or one of my family members to accommodate him)

 

[neatfreak]

Really, in the scheme of things 1 person isn't a big deal for peace with your FMIL. Just make she understands that under NO circumstances can you accommodate anyone else after this.

But really? Not worth the fight. 30 or 31 won't make a difference in the feel of your wedding. Promise.

 

[dragonfly411]

Ok
I wasn''t clear on that part.

I think this could be kinda sticky. On one hand, she''s used her invite, and that should be enough, since future FIL got the same gesture. On the other she might want her date there. But you are right that how close will they be in 3 mo. I would talk to your SO about it, see what he thinks of the situation. She does have to understand that she isn''t helping to pay for anything.

At least she isn''t like my cousin and trying to bring a dog to the wedding (They had to put it in the car with the windows down... there were no dogs allowed)

 

[sparkly_stars]

Thing is, I am already pushing the envelope with the invites...haha. I have about 33 of my own invited, and its in a house- so its not a venue.
I guess I''d understand if it was someone she had been seeing, and I am bit more annoyed at the fact that she invited her friend without consulting anyone- FI and I were running the guest list and he was like oh add ___, mom invited her. And I had no idea about that.

I''m not trying to make a fight over this, because I realize its just one more person- I just have guests that can not be invited now- (the wedding has been planned in the last month so I''m not mad over the invite being late) I just am frustrated that I can''t invite any more of my friends or family as the "extra add ons".

But, it seems like the consensus is that I am overreacting...maybe I''ll just say nothing.

 

[dragonfly411]

I don''t think you are overreacting, I''m just thinking it might be worth it in the end to fume on the inside and let him come. Who knows, he might bring a spark to the party lolol. Just trying to lighten it up, sorry. I do hope it turns out in the end and like I said, talk to your SO and see what he thinks too!

 

[sparkly_stars]

Thanks, haha.
Well he better be freaking fantastic then! lolol.
Maybe he''ll propose..I guess then I''d be okay! (keep in mind they are JUST starting to date if she gives him a chance lol) kidddding.
SO is on the same page as me, but he doesn''t deal with any of the stress and just says its annoying- oooo thanks for your help hunny. (haha, okay it doesn''t help that he''s irritated me all day

)
I think I need to go to bed.
ha!

 

[Shoopy]

I don't think you should be upset about her holding out on you either.

She was invited with a guest. David may or may not be her guest but either way it doesn't matter because she is allowed to bring a guest.

I don't see the problem...or maybe I'm just not understanding??

If anything you can tell her that she can invite David and not her girlfriend. Although really its only 1 more person.

 

[KimberlyH]

Feelings aren''t right or wrong, they just are...what you do with them is what matters. Is it a bit rude of her, yes, but it''s not worth causing a rift. I''d do my best to accomodate her if I were in your shoes.

 

[sparkly_stars]

fieryred33143: First, she wasn''t invited with a guest (nor was she not- it hadn''t been discussed yet, she just invited her girl friend) then told me she was inviting a date.
It might just be one person more, but its not as if I have the room to accommodate additional guest, as this is in a house and really I would must rather have the additional "extras" be friends or family that I already can not invite. How would you feel if you knew you weren''t invited to a wedding and someone the bride doesn''t know was?

I don''t care that she isn''t paying for the wedding, we haven''t asked her to pay for anything- therefore it''s fine for her not to. What I meant when I said she wasn''t paying for the ceremony is basically, when your wedding is covered by parents- then it becomes difficult to turn guests down.

I am more frustrated that she''d invite guests that I don''t associate myself with, while we are already having a very difficult time keeping the guest list down.
The fact that we don''t know this man makes a big difference, because the wedding has no "plus one''s"..we simply can not accommodate and for our wedding..we really wanted it to be intimate and special...with people we love and want there.

I honestly was okay with her bringing her girl friend- I don''t want her miserable at the wedding, but what''s next, a guest for her girlfriend, etc? I simply wanted it to be a day for family and friends that are closest to us.

The guest list currently sits at 33, where I''ve been told we can only have 30. The wedding is being planned now- we only have been planning the wedding in the last month! (which is why the invites are "late")-

I don''t even think her wanting to bring a date is THAT rude- I understand, I just thought she understood our situation. She said to me "well hopefully your friends through you a party since they cant come to the wedding, so you can celebrate"
I guess, that irritated me because my guest list is being dictated.

Anyways, okay.."calming"
maybe I am being selfish or silly.
I will keep my mouth closed.

 

[Shoopy]

I think maybe the money comment was directed at someone else because I didn''t mention anything about money

Did you include her guest that she invited herself in the final count? If you did and if I were in your shoes, I would probably just say to her that she can have one guest and one guest only. Whether it be David or her girlfriend.

I don''t think you''re being selfish or silly. I just think that with all of the other stress you have going on in planning this wedding, you shouldn''t add this to your list of worries. In reality, FMIL should have been invited with a guest even though she''s single. She made the decision for herself to just invite one which was mega rude but it was done and that guest was accomodated. I again would just tell her that she''s allowed to bring one person.

And if anything you can just have her and her guest eat outside...LOL that would be so mean yet feel so good

 

[Sabine]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. My parents are divorced, and my dad has a steady gf who I''ve known for years, and my mom was single when the invitations were going out, although she dates guys regularly, she hasn''t found anyone special in a while. I knew it would be hard on my mom, so I actually was really generous and gave her a whole table to fill (she had her side of the family there, but she isn''t all that close to them). Then, a few weeks before the wedding, she met this guy and started dating him regularly. She sat me down and asked me if I would mind if she brought him.

I was brutally honest with her. I told her that even though she was telling me right then that she really liked this guy and thought he would be around for a while, I had sensed that he wasn''t all he was cracked up to be (she had mentioned a few traits that he had that I KNOW my mom usually considers dealbreakers). I asked her to honestly tell me whether she wanted this guy there because she thought he would be around for a while and would be upset that he missed seeing me get married, or whether she would just feel more comfortable with a date because my dad had one. I told her that if it was the later, I understood, but I would be really hurt if my memories of my wedding were filled with my mom being with some guy I had never met before and never saw again. At the time she told me she really thought he would be around for a while, and I told her to invite him. Two nights later she called and said that she had changed her mind. He didn''t come to the wedding, and I was glad for it. My mom still had a blast with her friends.

Whew, sorry that was so long. I will recap: If it bothers you because you don''t want a stranger who probably won''t be around next month there, then maybe ask her to reconsider. But if you are only bothered by the one extra person, then try to just let it go to keep fmil happy.

 

[sparkly_stars]

fieryred33143: hahahahahahahaha.second, what did you mean originally when you said holding out on you? (sorry! I thought you meant money wise haha)
The final guest count did include her girlfriend- we have met her and know her, and I understood her wanting her there- I just didn''t know she had invited her. Thing was, she invited her friend before invites had gone out- so when I said she invited her without asking, it was mainly I hadn''t had the guest list done yet- BUT we did accommodate for her! I wouldn''t want her at the wedding awkward- and I understood.

Sabine: What you said reflects exactly how I feel. I guess, if I knew she''d care about him etc etc, I''d be more willing to accommodate- BUT having her tell me "I''m debating if I want to date him or not", and when I asked about him she said "his name is david...he''s a nice chap"
well, she doesn''t call guys chap- it just seemed like she was looking to bring a date, to bring a date.
Do I want pictures of a stranger I will meet once, and only once? (because I doubt based on what she has said that he''d be around and it frustrates me to have to accommodate an extra guest that she doesn''t care for.
I guess, I just really know how she is!

The extra guest isn''t about money either- because I am not covering the food or drinks and the cost won''t be significant enough to affect anyone else (parents). Its more or less on the manner its being done A)implied that a random stranger should come that she doesn''t want to date, B) knows its taking away from our family or friends and saying fairly rudely "well hopefully your friends will take you out to celebrate" (because they wont be at the wedding)

I don''t know, the whole thing just irritates me. If she is firm on having him, and feels they will BE something and he would actually want to SEE US get married- (not sigh and fight because he has to go to a wedding he has no interest in) then yeah, we''ll find a way to smoosh him in there. I just don''t think that is fitting!

Sabine, your story really calmed me down. haha.
and everyone''s jokes cracked me up.
I''ll let them stay in the warmth! (I am getting married in December, where last year in New Brunswick they had a snow storm EVERY SECOND DAY! hahah) so...I won''t be mean!

 

[gtn]

You have every right to be upset. Is there anyway you could talk to her and ask her why she wants to have this guy there, as Sabine did?

Whatever you decide, based on her answer, make it clear to her that she is not allowed to invite anymore people unless she wants to throw a reception for you at a larger venue.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Sparkly, this is about FMIL not wanting to show up at a wedding without a date when her ex-husband is bringing his girlfriend. That''s it, plain and simple. She feels insecure about seeing her ex and his girlfriend, and wants her ex to know she is also dating someone, rather than showing up single and having to resort to bringing a girlfriend.

I can understand this completely. I would want to do the same thing.

I think you should let her bring whoever she wants.

 

[sparkly_stars]

GTN : Thanks! I will talk to her- I talked to SO about this and he didn`t react much...but after I think this all set in he got upset and I think will talk to her based on what he thinks- he said he didn`t want a random man at a wedding that she does not plan on seeing, especially since we wanted this all to be intimate.

March : I am very taken aback with your reply...and don''t really agree with any of it. Granted, we are all entitled to our opinions and I thank you for yours.
We are getting married at home, despite wanting to elope to have a private, family and friend affaire with our closest friends. I really don''t like the idea of having a random man in lots of my pictures (its not like we are having a 60+ guest wedding list..30 people is not a lot.) We ARE giving her an invite to bring someone, and she chose her girlfriend for the security, I don''t feel I owe her lots of invites to make her feel "safe" when I am struggling to keep the count to 30. I also don''t think she is inviting him because he is bringing his girlfriend- they still have a pretty good relationship, and he knows when she is dating an when she isn''t. I think if this guy came it would be awkward for all, including her. I am not having a small intimate wedding to host first dates- despite how rude that may sound. i think its her just wanting to have a date with a guy (the "go out on a date"), but thats not what my wedding is setting out to do. Frankly- if it meant a lot to her to have a date to make her ex jealous etc, and she HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM, then I would consider it- but for a man who will be around for the one day most important to me and never be around again...it doesn''t feel right.

SO wants to keep him off the list, he made it clear (a few hours after our initial conversation) I asked him why it bothered him (to make sure HE felt that, and wasn''t just saying it because of me) he said he didn''t want a random stranger at our wedding that she has no intentions of being with, the day is about us and our closest friends and family and he wants to keep it that way. He doesn''t feel bad about feeling this way because he was giving her an extra invite to do as she pleased and she wanted her girlfriend there- plus, the break up between the parents have been for at least 8 years and they are over that whole "I''m going to make you jealous- immature phase"- So, I am happy to hear he feels the same!

I will keep you posted after they talk (I don''t want to bring anything up, because she and I butt heads when it comes to this stuff because we are both hard headed- I know if it bothers him and he talks to her, she''ll be willing to listen).

 

[sparkly_stars]

Oh PS. if they had just broken up and it really was about making him see how great she was doing- I would make it work somehow, I just know its her not really thinking and wanting a date for the heck of it..you know?
I guess it has to do with how she made it all seem, despite her knowing that it would mean I''d lose on an invite of a friend of family member. (again, if this was actually important to her- I''d reconsider my position)

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 10/9/2008 7:39:05 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
Sparkly, this is about FMIL not wanting to show up at a wedding without a date when her ex-husband is bringing his girlfriend. That''s it, plain and simple. She feels insecure about seeing her ex and his girlfriend, and wants her ex to know she is also dating someone, rather than showing up single and having to resort to bringing a girlfriend.


I can understand this completely. I would want to do the same thing.


I think you should let her bring whoever she wants.

I agree. To tell your FMIL she can''t bring a date would be a slap in the face. I don''t think there''s anyway you can do that without damaging your relationship, probably forever.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 10/9/2008 8:46:54 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 10/9/2008 7:39:05 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
Sparkly, this is about FMIL not wanting to show up at a wedding without a date when her ex-husband is bringing his girlfriend. That''s it, plain and simple. She feels insecure about seeing her ex and his girlfriend, and wants her ex to know she is also dating someone, rather than showing up single and having to resort to bringing a girlfriend.


I can understand this completely. I would want to do the same thing.


I think you should let her bring whoever she wants.

I agree. To tell your FMIL she can''t bring a date would be a slap in the face. I don''t think there''s anyway you can do that without damaging your relationship, probably forever.

Another in total agreement.

This isn''t about who is right or whether your being irritated is valid (it is), this is about your MIL. Suck it up and let her have a date. Who cares if she never sees him again. You''ll be seeing HER for another 50 years. Make nice.

 

[sparkly_stars]

See, I''m not sure if you''ve read the whole thread.

Why should I have my FMIL bring a guest she doesn''t know just for "fun"- when she knows it means we will have to not invite a friend or a family member?
This man has no significance in her life, and we both know she isn''t inviting him based on trying to feel better about her ex.
We''ve also given her the +1 and she picked her girlfriend! So its not as though we are saying "go to the wedding and have zero fun". I just don''t feel our wedding is the best time to have a first date situation.
Nor do I really want my pictures to reflect that.

SO had the talk with her!
It went really well, he told her how he felt- and asked how she felt about the date. She said she never really thought about it- and despite ME telling her how small it was going to be, she didn''t realize how tight the guest list was. She hadn''t thought about all the pictures and said that she isn''t really interested in him, and that she''d rather have her girlfriend there (again, she and her ex are friends or at least friendly). She said when she thought of bringing him, she never thought about the actual ceremony and how it would only have immediate family.
Dan (so) was way more bothered by this then I thought he would be- only because he generally doesn''t mind. Him and his mom are really close though, and he felt that this stranger would not fit with the wedding IF she didn''t actually care for him.

 

[sparkly_stars]

Thanks for the input everyone!- Dan didn''t tell her not to bring him, he asked her where she stood on it, and she said she just hadn''t put thought into it. When he told her where he stood, she said she completely understood (and she isn''t offended or angry- NOR is she the type to say she doesn''t care if she did..haha she is brutally honest *sigh* so if there was a problem she would have voiced it!)
I think, (despite me saying it over and over), that she hadn''t realize how intimate it was going to be- when Dan told her 30 guest and told her the guest, I think she realized it wasn''t your typical wedding...and she seemed to have gotten uncomfortable with bringing him...
weird how it all switched around!