Update on me... How are you?

[Elegant]

Hey all! I have been MIA with lots of changes in my life. Just coming back to PriceScope with lots of life changes and different perspectives that I just wanna share. This will probably be long, so grab a bowl of popcorn or snuggle up with some hot chocolate! lmao!!

I did not get a job up in Northern California, so I had to haul my butt back to SoCal and I am living with my sister in the house that I am renting out to her! lol I am teaching down here now.

I have stated on here that I have been with my bf for 16 years. I would say about 2 months ago, I began thinking about my personal needs and not focusing so much on what I normally do - forget what I need and try to make my man happy. Well, two or so weeks before the 1st of September, I expressed to my bf how unhappy I am with how our relationship is turning out and how I finally came to the realization that the things I NEED are not being met by him no matter how many times I bring them up. In particular, I am a very affectionate person and need to be held, touched, hugged, etc. in a non sexual manner. He, on the other hand, can live without being touched and without showing me affection in that way. This has always been a problem for me but I have always tried to rationalize it with - well, we get along this way and that way and blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, I told him that things are changing in my head and that I may not want to be with him anymore. He told me that I am going through a midlife crisis

and that I have brought the same thing up over and over for a good 4-5 years now! Well, at least I am telling him how I feel, but now, it feels like my brain has shut down and I am pretty much at the end of the rope. So as I am going through emotions and thoughts of possibly breaking up with the only man I have ever been with, the man I have been with for 16 year...

My father dies Sept. 1, 2009 - one day before I was set to leave NorCal and return to SoCal where I am living now. He was only 60 years old. I got a call from the person he was living with just after the ambulance took him away and needless to say, on the way to the hospital, he died of a sudden heart attack. I had just spoken with him the day before I was set to leave - we talked a bit, the phone cut off, I called back and I told him that I was coming down, we made some plans, I told him that I might possibly break up with my bf, and his response got cut off midway - he just said, "You know what sweetie, sometimes couples..." and then the line got cut off. I had to go shopping and I told myself I would call him back tomorrow morning - he died the next morning...

I remember talking to him about what would happen if he died, and he told me his sister would take care of everything... WRONG... guess who has to take care of ALL arrangements? Me. I''ve never dealt with any of this in my life... I had to cremate my father and I am still trying to make arrangements for a military funeral - the paperwork is taking forever... Meanwhile...

My job was stressing me out - I am a 3-5th grade teacher. I come back to my district on a leave of absence because I couldn''t get a job up North, and they place me in a 1st grade class... STRESS!!! Then after a week and a half, they permanently place me in a KINDERGARTEN classroom where teachers for weeks were saying - OMG, I am so sorry - you got the problem class. So not only am I a fish out of water with the grade level change, they are hell on wheels these little tykes... For weeks I was coming home EXHAUSTED... I just had my first good week last week. I am adjusting to the changes now, and...

I met someone online who enjoys marathons and triathlons and he has reignited my interest in jogging again. I have been feeling better and may even enter a 5k run later this month. I have been training and jogging everyday. I am starting to feel good again. I will post later on this person and some questions I have, but for now I just wanted to give you an update on me, even if not many of you noticed I was gone, and try to get back in the swing of things...

I plan on visiting the bf in two weeks, but I am so bad at making hard life decisions. It is difficult to think that after 16 years, I would break up with him. We have been together half of my life. It isn''t just the affection part, there are other things that I just don''t think I can stand anymore.

All three of these experiences have been such weights on my shoulders. I am looking forward to putting my father to rest soon, my job is becoming easier, but now I think I have to deal with the bf situation.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I just want to give you a big {{{{hug}}}}. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and that you are having to come to a decision about your relationship at the same time. But seriously, 16 years is a long time to wait on someone to commit. I think you are probably right to consider moving on.

 

[April20]

You''ve been through a lot in the last few months! I''m very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I hope that things settle down for you and you find a good place for you emotionally and mentally.

I''m sorry things have gone south with the BF. It must be very difficult to think about the end of relationship after so many years togehter. I wish you courage as you decide what is best for you. You sound like a strong person and I feel confident that you will make the best decision for you.

 

[Tuckins1]

Hi Elegant...
Wow. You really HAVE had a lot on your plate lately! I am sorry to hear about your father, that is so sad.

I hope that you are able to make a decision about your BF situation soon- and I hope it''s one that leaves you feeling good about yourself and your life!

From a fellow teacher, good luck with your little ones!

 

[gemgirl]

Elegant, I am so very sorry for your loss. My Dad was my favorite person in the world, so I know how devastating it can be. Time will help. It won''t make the pain go away, but it will help.

The boyfriend? Well what are his intentions? I don''t think you mentioned anything about what his plan for the both of you might be. Does he have a plan after sixteen years? If he doesn''t, then I ''d personally rethink the whole relationship. Seriously. Even if you were 16 when you started dating, you''d be 32 now, and I''m just guessing here.

I have found that the best thing to do in situations like yours (when you have more than one serious thing on your plate), is to just take one day at a time and one issue at a time. Please don''t try to resolve everything at once.
It won''t work. For now cut yourself some slack and deal with memorializing your Dad first, then you choose what to tackle next after you recoup from the feelings that are bound to be stirred up at your Dad''s service.

Keep talking. It''s always good therapy!

 

[Kaleigh]

Elegant,
I am so very sorry you lost your Dad. I know it must have been a huge loss to you.

THanks for checking in, it''s nice to see you back here.

I don''t know what to say about your BF, In your heart you probably know what YOU need, after 16 years and all.

I hope things get better for you. We all all pulling for you and will be here to support you, if you need it.

Best of luck with the kiddo''s I have huge respect for Teachers!!!

 

[kittybean]

I''m so sorry for your loss, Elegant. That must be devastating for you. I hope you can find some peace soon--you''ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

As for the boyfriend . . . sixteen years is a long, long time. I''m sure that you''ve both grown and changed during your relationship, and it''s possible that at this point in your lives, you''re no longer meeting each other''s needs. Please realize that that is okay. Breaking up with someone you''ve spent your adult life with is no small thing, but you have many, many years of life ahead of you, and life is too precious to spend with someone who is no longer right for you. I wish you the very best as you figure out what will be best for your future.

Lots of hugs to you during this difficult time.

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry to hear about your father-sending lots of hugs.
In terms of your bf, do what makes you happy. I know 16 years is a hell of a long time, but just think to the next 16-do you want what you have now, or can you see yourself with someone different.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m so sorry about all the negative events going on. You''re very strong and are keeping a good head through everything. I would perhaps weigh the pros/cons of your current relationship and think long and hard about it (and try to talk to the bf) and then make a decision. I wish you the best.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of you father. My heart and prayers are outgoing during this obviously trying time.

As far as the bf situation....I think you have your head and your heart in the right place. Of course you would like for things to be different, 16 years is a long time to invest in someone...but sometimes what we wish for just isn''t in the cards, you know? You know what you need to be happy--the ability to express that in words is rare, and if he is unwilling or unable to give you those things after 4 to 5 years of talking things out--then it''s only logical to move forward and search out a life that will fulfill you. I think taking some room for you right now sounds wonderful, everyone needs that--and you esspecially. I believe you''ll go on from here to do and accomplish many fantastic things, just keep your faith in yourself and keep moving forward making positive and affirming changes.

((big hugs))

 

[dragonfly411]

Elegant - I just want to say I am so so sorry for the loss of your father. That is far too young, and it is so hard to lose a family member suddenly.

As to the boyfriend, I think you are making a positive choice. It sounds like you are wanting some things emotionally and he just isn''t willing to put forth the extra effort. In his mind it is probably a "why should I when I have it so good now" kind of deal.

I think the person who has reignited your love of running sounds promising as a friend! I''m running a 5k later this month so if you ever want to talk jogging, I love to talk about it!

I hope you feel better....

 

[D&T]

Hi Elegant!!!
i am soooo sorry for your loss

*HUGS* I was thinking about you the other day, and wondered how you were doing, Thanks for checking in. As for the BF - hmmm, I''m pretty sure you know in your heart what must be done. I wish you well and the best in all your endeavors. A lot has gone on in your life and all I hope for is for you to have a healthy and happy life with no regrets. You appear to be a very strong person, please take care of yourself.

 

[tlh]

I''m sorry to read about your father''s passing, and the stress you''ve been experiencing lately. However I did find it encouraging that you are wanting to take time to invest in things that both interest you - and meet YOUR needs. I feel that those things are important. Enjoy your reviving your running spark! I hope you do register for a 5k, and have a lot of fun! I only caution that if you have taken any real time off from running (1 month or more of zero miles) that you ramp up slowly, so that you don''t get injured.

((HUGS!))

 

[luv2sparkle]

Dear Elegant- I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. That is so very hard. It does get easier to live with in time, but part of us always needs our parents. I hope it gets easier very soon for you.

Your life sounds beyond stressful. Do try to take one day at a time and not think about the next. I am sorry about your boyfriend. It is very hard to let go of someone you have been with for so long. That is
especially hard after the loss of your Dad. I''m sure you will do what is right for you, your heart will tell you. Sending many many (hugs) and prayers.

Hang in there, it will turn around!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Dear Elegant- I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. That is so very hard. It does get easier to live with in time, but part of us always needs our parents. I hope it gets easier very soon for you.

Your life sounds beyond stressful. Do try to take one day at a time and not think about the next. I am sorry about your boyfriend. It is very hard to let go of someone you have been with for so long. That is
especially hard after the loss of your Dad. I''m sure you will do what is right for you, your heart will tell you. Sending many many (hugs) and prayers.

Hang in there, it will turn around!

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 10/12/2009 6:12:17 PM
Author: luv2sparkle
Dear Elegant- I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. That is so very hard. It does get easier to live with in time, but part of us always needs our parents. I hope it gets easier very soon for you.

Your life sounds beyond stressful. Do try to take one day at a time and not think about the next. I am sorry about your boyfriend. It is very hard to let go of someone you have been with for so long. That is
especially hard after the loss of your Dad. I''m sure you will do what is right for you, your heart will tell you. Sending many many (hugs) and prayers.

Hang in there, it will turn around!

Sorry about your father.Take time to re-discover yourself and what you need and what you can and are willing to give to another and go full blast into the future withe hope,faith and a renewed interest in living life to the fullest again knowing that you are a great person who can give and recieve in life!

 

[Elegant]

Wow, thank you all so much for your words! They really mean a lot to me and I do take them to heart.

I am an indecisive person, and I always want to make sure that the decision I am making is the right one. I remember talking to bf a few weeks ago and he even asked me if he should start sorting my things out and packing everything - I started crying and feeling overwhelemed and told him that I just couldn''t definitively make that decision yet. I told him that I hadn''t even buried my father yet and I just needed time and space. He''s been very good at giving me space. Before I left though, we did talk about how we felt about each other, and I told him I feel like we are room mates -- is that normal after 16 years of being with someone? I am only 33 years old. I told him I felt like we were just friends, and he said he did too and he was fine with that... Well, I''m not.

I''ve been in a funk today. Might be the rainy California weather... I haven''t been feeling any emotions lately - I have been feeling numb since my father died. Like I broke my crying bone or something. Feel off...

Dragonfly - I am planning on participating in a 5k later this month as well - actually next week? You?

I feel weird today...

 

[dragonfly411]

Elegant - Here''s my thoughts on your previous post. You shouldn''t feel like roommates when you are in love with someone and want to spend your life together. I think that it would be ok to be friends, although you need to give yourself some time away to get over the emotional attachment, but a just friend vibe isn''t how you want to spend your life. You should have fire, you should be attracted to one another, you should want romance, dates, candles and roses. YES friendship SHOULD be part of it. SO and I are each other''s best friends! BUT we also shower together, take time for romance, do sweet things for each other, and love being attracted to each other. If that isn''t there, then I don''t think you''ll be happy overall. I think it is wise for you to take time, and space to think things over. That is important, but that above didn''t sound promising. Also SO should want to DO THINGS with you, things that YOU LOVE as well as what they love... SO takes time to go on walks with me, and takes me to botanical gardens, and to St. Auggie... I go to the woods with him and fishing... It is a give give in a good relationship.

My 5k is on the 25th in Orlando. It is the run for the cure, I am so excited about it!!! What do you do to build up to races and prepare? I''ve been doing 2 mile runs several times a week, and then I do yoga, some strength three or four days a week and run the stairs in our house a lot. I took the last two weeks off almost completely b/c I was sick, so now I am trying to get back on track. Yesterday I walked, and did some squats. Tonight I''m running stairs again.

 

[katamari]

Elegant, first, I am so very sorry to hear about your father. At the same time, though, I am glad to hear that you are being so proactive in your life, even if it is causing you some uncertainty and confusion. I hope that life has wonderful things in store for you.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I am so sorry about your father. As for the roommate thing - my partner of 19 years is anything but ''just'' a roommate. All of that love and lust stuff is as strong as ever. In your case I might settle for friendship and move on in the romance dept. Having someone like that in your life as a friend may not be a bad thing... you obviously have a very strong connection.