Uncomfortable financial issue with parents - need advice

[vespergirl]

Hi everyone, here''s the situation:

Last week my dad had to have an emergency quadruple bypass open heart surgery. He found out the day before his surgery was scheduled. So, I immediately booked myself a ticket to fly to FL that night, so that I could see him before he went to surgery the next day (in case he didn''t make it, I wanted to see him one last time). I stayed down there for 5 days, and then flew back. I never mentioned the price of the tickets to my parents because it was totally irrelevant to my husband and I, but they felt bad that I bought last minute tickets and that my husband had to take 3 days off work to watch our son while I was out of state (couldn''t bring son because of hospital rules & there was no one else to watch him either where we live or in FL).

Anyway, now my dad is at home and recovering comfortably, and I offered to fly down with my son to keep him company and take care of him while my mom is working next week, Mon. - Fri. My dad was really excited at the prospect of seeing his grandson (even though we''re also spending a week there at Xmas) and took me up on the offer. So, I bought us both tickets to fly down next week.

When my mom found out, she felt really bad about the price of all the last-minute tickets and the vacation days my husband had to take, and she is INSISTING on paying me back for the tickets for my son & I for next week''s trip (about $550). My husband and I feel very uncomfortable taking any money from her, because we feel like family comes first, and we can far more easily afford the expense than my parents can.

My mom is one of those pampered women who knows nothing about their family finances (seriously, she has no idea what their mortgage payment is) and I happen to know that my dad is struggling financially right now. My mom has a low-paying job, where she keeps her whole salary and doesn''t contribute at all to household expenses, so she has plenty of savings, even though I know that my dad could REALLY use the help right now. Personally, I think that she should be contributing to help my dad, but she said it''s "her" money, and she wants to pay me, because I''m a stay at home mom, and she feels bad that my husband has paid for all these tickets for my family. I told her that my husband makes an excellent salary, he doesn''t mind at all, and these expenses are not a hardship for us - consider it an Xmas present this year.

So, I don''t know what to do - take her money to preserve their pride (or I won''t hear the end of it all week) or refuse? Maybe I can just take the money and then give it to my dad, but he may also be too proud to accept it? I just hate this situation, because she keeps asking me how much the tickets were, and I just keep telling her not to worry about it, but she won''t leave me alone.

Any advice on what I should do?

 

[kenny]

You have already politely declined several of her generous offers.
Therefore, I'd accept it and give her some peace about this.

Perhaps put the money aside for something that would benefit them if you feel bad about taking it.

 

[Haven]

Vesper--I''m really glad to hear that you''re father made it through surgery and is on the road to recover. My FIL had an emergency bypass two summers ago and he''s doing really well now, I hope your father has a similar experience.

The money situation is tough. Would you be comfortable talking with your dad about it while your mom is at work? Maybe you''d feel better with whatever decision you make knowing that you have your father''s blessing or input, if that makes sense. My FIL is similar, he would be too proud to accept any help even if he really needed it, so I understand where you''re coming from.

I guess I''m not really giving any advice, sorry! If I were in your shoes I''d talk to my dad about it and see what he says.

Enjoy your time with your parents!

 

[D&T]

hmm, your parents sounds like mine in that they are too proud to accept or would feel hurt if you did not accept. My parents are poor, but they love to give to us and their grandkids, sometimes, money they don''t have, so what I end up doing is turning it around and buying them something with that money plus more in a gift form (not gift cards as they won''t use it) that they would otherwise not buy themselves, ie, I buy mom coach purses (she would never spend that kind of money, but I would for her)

For your dad, can you accept the money, and help pay his bills somehow since he won''t accept it from you directly, but if you helped pay to the third party then maybe?

 

[MonkeyPie]

I happen to agree with you - it was an emergency, and now you are coming down a second time because you know your dad is recovering and could use the company, especially his grandson. However, I also understand your moms side things, and since you already said no once, I would just accept the money graciously and then turn around and use that money on something for both of them. Like Christmas presents!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

First and foremost, I'm so glad to hear that your father came through the surgery well! I hope his recovery continues to go both smoothly and strongly. As for your main question,

Date: 11/6/2009 1:24:50 PM
Author: kenny
You have already politely declined her generous offer a few times.

Therefore, I'd accept it and give her some peace about this.


Perhaps put the money aside for something that would benefit them if you feel bad about taking it.

Having been in a similar position with my grandparents, I agree with Kenny's advice completely for the very reasons he mentions.

 

[Karl_K]

let them pay half so they feel good.
Its a good compromise.
Then when there spend the money on things they need and don''t say anything about spending it.
$275 should be easy enough to spend on things they need.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/6/2009 1:40:12 PM
Author: Karl_K
let them pay half so they feel good.
Its a good compromise.
Then when there spend the money on things they need and don''t say anything about spending it.
$275 should be easy enough to spend on things they need.

Great idea.

 

[VRBeauty]

VG --

I''m glad to hear that your father is on the mend.

I''ve been in a situation that was different but yet similar in the important aspects -- I was in a position to help a family member, and when my mother heard about it she immediately insisted on repaying me. Mind you I''m AARP eligible, not hurting financially, and I''ve been on my own probably for longer than you''ve been alive. The point is, this is one of those parental things. In my case, I think control played a role in it. My mother is a controlling person. Not in the sense of being bossy, but in the sense of of feeling like she is responsible for making everything alright for everybody, and not trusting that others (or at least her children) have are capable or responsible enough to live their own lives...

Anyhow, in my case I had to just get really angry when she kept insisting on interfering. Basically I told her "this is my gift to give, and I''m not going to let you take that away from me." It worked, at least for that particular instance.

You might try to convince her that you do not see this as a burden or an obligation, but as something that you are happy to do, with love... and that what she''s trying to do would diminish that happiness.

Good luck.

 

[geckodani]

I am so glad your dad came through it all right!

Date: 11/6/2009 2:12:49 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 11/6/2009 1:40:12 PM
Author: Karl_K
let them pay half so they feel good.
Its a good compromise.
Then when there spend the money on things they need and don''t say anything about spending it.
$275 should be easy enough to spend on things they need.

Great idea.

I was going to suggest letting her pay for 1/2 as well.

 

[princessplease]

I''m glad to hear your father is recovering well from his surgery. I agree with taking half, as your mom already offered to reimburse you before, then using that money to buy them something very nice for the holidays.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 11/6/2009 1:40:12 PM
Author: Karl_K
let them pay half so they feel good.
Its a good compromise.
Then when there spend the money on things they need and don''t say anything about spending it.
$275 should be easy enough to spend on things they need.

this is a good solution!Plus a suggestion from you that your parents sit down and communicate about their money siuation!Your mom needs to know for the future if something does happen to your father.Good Luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

I''ve had to have this convo with my parents several times.

"Mom, you and dad took care of my every need for the first 18 years. We''re all adults now and I take care of me, and you and dad take care of yourselves. In fact, pretty soon I will likely be taking care of at least one of you, so you need to get used to the idea now. Please stop trying to give me money".

She usually gets so freaked out at the thought of "being a burden" (sigh) in her later years, that she totally forgets about the attempt to foist money off on me.

 

[vespergirl]

Thank you everyone so much for your great ideas and feedback!!!

My dad would never take the money to help pay bills, but he''s been longing for a flat-screen TV for years now. I''m thinking that if she absolutely INSISTS on paying for the tickets, I can turn around and buy them the flat-screen TV they''ve really wanted for Xmas.

The thing with my parents is, they are property-rich and cash-poor. They own several homes, and they have invested in antiques and artwork (now that they need to cash in these investments, the economy has been crappy, and so has the real estate market, so they''re kind of stuck). The thing is, even with all of their assets, they don''t have a lot of day-to-day cash, so I would just feel awful taking money from them.

I am still hoping that maybe I can just convince her to consider the visits a holiday gift, but if she does pay me, I really like the idea of getting them a gift that they would both love.

Thanks again everyone for your great ideas!

 

[kenny]

Then perhaps there is an antique or art item that would be more appropriate than cash.

Though it may be awkward to bring it up it may be a win win for both of you.
They'll keep their needed cash, and you'll have a treasured keepsake.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think the 1/2 payback is the best idea. Not sure about the TV though. They may take it the wrong way as because they''re paying for part of a ticket that you could pay the remaining of on your own, it''s almost like they''re paying for part of a TV they wouldn''t necessarily purchase this christmas due to medical bills, etc.

Glad your dad is recovering nicely.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Sorry, I haven''t read all the responses, so this might repeat, but I would take the money (your mom sounds a lot like mine!). And then get them something very nice for Christmas, or something really useful that they need but might not be able to afford this Christmas, or something.