Tough choices

[Missy]

We have all experienced this.
We have all had situations where there was no easy choice.
But we forged ahead making the best choice we could at the time.

What was your toughest choice to date?
Or perhaps one of your toughest choices to make but not the toughest (if you are not comfortable sharing the toughest).

To one extreme it could be whether or not to take a loved one off life support.
To that end my DH and I have living wills and each other's power of attorney.
Neither of us want to live on life support with no chance of having a quality of life.

But I digress, what was your most difficult (or one of your most difficult) choice(s)?
How did you decide what to do?
Was hindsight 20/20?

 

[Missy]

I am facing a difficult choice at the moment. I am going to put this in spoiler quotes for the squeamish as it does involve blood and some might not like reading about that. Please do not click onto it if you are at all squeamish. No photos or anything lol but words can be triggering too.

Spoiler

I am a strong advocate of BHRT for post menopausal women for many health benefits.
Bone, brain, heart, etc. The sex hormones are critical for good quality of life as we lose our natural production.
I started BHRT in December of 2020. So a full year now. I started for my bone health as I was diagnosed with osteoporosis.
At a young age to be diagnosed. But I had all the risk factors. Family history (dad, mom, grandparents); I was thin (low BMI a big risk factor); I had gone through menopause years prior (losing estrogen is a huge risk factor as without estrogen our bones lose density at a rapid rate); and caucasian (asian and caucasians are at greatest risk for OP).

But, as with most things, nothing comes easy for/to me.
And I am experiencing many side effects.
One of them breakthrough bleeding (and cramping) since April.
That's right. Since April.
I have the hormones balanced so it just doesn't make sense.
No one can figure it out.

I have had ultrasounds and a uterine biopsy which was thankfully benign.
"They" say balancing hormones is like dancing on the head of a pin.
And in my case I would say this quote applies to me 100% lol.

Now I am experiencing a new and wonderful (not) side effect.
Pimples.
Some of you who know me get how awful this new side effect is.
As I went through a lot in 2014 to conquer some awful skin issues.
It took two years to really get under control.
It was perhaps worse than the broken tibia and fibula I got that year. Yup, you heard that right.
With all I have gone through skin issues remain at the top of my worst experience list.

It is most likely from the hormones (maybe from T converting to DHT).
But I need the hormones for my bones, heart, brain, etc.
What to do, what to do.

Thanks for listening.
There are no easy answers here.
I have dealt with bleeding (and cramping) for 8 months. Persevering.
But now, this new issue might be the straw that breaks the camel's so called proverbial back.

Please share some of your tough choices.
Which I am sure are much tougher than mine and I will feel silly for sharing. LOL.
But still, we each experience things in our own unique way.
And my dear friend who is a psychologist always says one should never compare to another's experience.
They all matter. Because they are our own personal experiences and we feel them deeply.

So what tough choice have you faced?
How did you make the decision what to do?
Ultimately do you feel you made the best decision under the circumstances or do you regret the choice you made?
Did that experience help you with other difficult choices?

 

[TooPatient]

Most of the traditionally tough choices have been easy for me. Every cat and dog I have had to decide to help pass comfortably were in situations where we had tried all we could and there was nearly zero chance of them ever improving. They were painful calls to make, but not what I would call tough. When I had to select a medicine withy specialist, I looked at the options and made the decision that I would be okay with this one but the others recommended were not things I would be willing to take. Easy choice.

Walking away from my father's side of the family for nearly 15 years was tough. I knew it needed to happen. They were so unhealthy for me! But they were family. Five years later and I have limited contact with two people including very rare text messages with my father (the other tough decision here being allowing this limited contact). Do I regret it? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It just depends on the day and if I have heard from either lately and if I see the silence as good or hurtful.

What are the good and bad of both options? What is the consequence to prioritizing one or the other? Can they adjust your hormone meds a bit? If so, what other health risks may that bring? Can you try to find different skin care? Maybe someone who works with small batch natural products? I have a lady near me who makes soaps and serums specially for people with different needs and is aware of many issues with the commercial products. Maybe you have someone like her around? (Or maybe you want to reach out to the lady in my area?) Having awful skin myself, I understand the pain of this happening again and I remember your struggles to find the right stuff before. I hope whatever you decide is less of a struggle than you are fearing and leads to a healthy balance that keeps your entire body healthy.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I'm with @TooPatient on the pets
as heart breaking as it is one knows when it is time and both times i was probably a little too late on it
when my mother was basically a vegetable at the end with dementia my sister asked me to deside if we should take her off the high quality liquid food that would have gone on sustaining her possibly for another two years, the doctor had spelled out the facts
i made the dsccion
i made it eaiserly at the time
but now i struggle with it
i know that particualar food tasted a lot better than the alternitive that was much less nutritouse and ultimitly not life sustaining
Gary did say at the time i was starving my mother
but my mum was already gone
the parts of her brain that were her were already dead and i like to think in heaven with my dad
it was just all too cruel (the disease)

I struggle with it
i think what would she have done if it were me or my sister?
I worry did i do the right thing by God ?
Where my motivations to ease our own suffering watching mum die a long slow and undignified death she did not deserve ?
or to hasten the actual suffering of mum, having to die this long horrible death ?

I belave its God's right alone to take life
yet i knew we had to take dearest Tibby to the vet earlier this year

Because of my own experience with mum i cast zero judgement on people who think differently on these kind of things
So i do try very hard not to be a hypercritical right winger so no body better take a pot shot at me and bail me into a corner like what happened on the last thread i was brutelly honest in

I know we or rather I didn't kill my mother but technically did we denie her the nesesidies of life ?
I hate to think i starved her because she was a very generouse host and loved to feed people and she very much enjoyed a lovelly meal and a pudding
I think that's it
i hate to think the meal replacement I put her on tasted yucky
I wish i could have tasted it
Gary;s DIL spent some time in ICU and she had had both types of meal replacement and she said one tasted like flour and water glue and one was much much nicer

But In the end even the heart muscle forgets how to work with demetia and my mother finally went to be with my dad, but she hung on like she really didn't want to go
She didn't know we were there, or rather that my sister was there at the end.
She didn't know anything. She remembered nothing of anything or anybody - well maybe her brothers as kids but the memory of her own family, my dad, my sister and I had long ago slipped from her mind
she was just existing and suffering because of that terrible thing
My grandma suffered the same thing but for not nearly as long
My mother had said she did not want to end up like that
My mother would have hated the indignity of it all and also the way demantia made her behave towards people who were trying to help her as their job
Before she became bed ridden demantia had made her violent towards the staff and she told the most terrible lies (lies that maybe she belaved was true which is just too cruel in itselfl)

yet i rearly cry over my mother, but i cry buckets of tears over my dead kitties

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

the other thing is why did i chose to be absent from my 7th form bersury exams

na who am i kidding

 

[TooPatient]

My mother had said she did not want to end up like that
My mother would have hated the indignity of it all and also the way demantia made her behave towards people who were trying to help her as their job
Before she became bed ridden demantia had made her violent towards the staff and she told the most terrible lies (lies that maybe she belaved was true which is just too cruel in itselfl)

yet i rearly cry over my mother, but i cry buckets of tears over my dead kitties

You answer yourself right here. She did not want to end up like that and would have hated it. Don't ever be hard on yourself as you did exactly what she would have wanted. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

You answer yourself right here. She did not want to end up like that and would have hated it. Don't ever be hard on yourself as you did exactly what she would have wanted. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

thank you for the kind words Too Patient
nobodies mum or dad deserves to suffer from dementia and the like

 

[dk168]

I believe I have yet to make any really tough choices.

Being on my own, I am lucky in a way that I don't need to consult anyone or a family committee before I make any decision for myself.

I have already made the decision what would happen if I were to be diagnosed with cancers, Alzheimer and other degenerative diseases and conditions, or in a vegetative state due to an accident; as I do not wish to prolong my life for the sake of being alive without the enjoyment I know and love.

It may sound grim, however, I firmly believe we treat our pets better in that respect, in that we can choose to end their lives to ease their suffering.

Changing jobs were easy once I had made the decision to leave.

It did not always go well, in that I had been in such a hurry to leave for whatever reason(s), I did not have another job to go to, and resulted in not having any gainful employment for nearly 4 months back in 2005.

That was the only period when I was out of work and I did not like it.

The last significant life event for me was the decision to use a big chunk of my pensions/retirement funds to finance my campervan project. I wanted to be able to enjoy going out and about in my van when I am still an able body, and not wait until I retire which is going to be 10+ years or so.

The decision not to have children was made when I was only 18yo, and have never been persuaded to change it. Whenever someone came along into my life, I made sure he knew having kids was never an option right from the start.

I guess leaving my ex-husband for another person was probably the most difficult decision to make, as he did not do anything wrong except not being able to provide the fireworks I sought in a relationship.

We drifted apart, and were in a relationship that was more like a brother/sister relationship without sparks or romance. Then someone else came along and ticked the missing boxes and provided the fireworks for me.

I regret hurting my ex-husband, as he was and still is a good guy. He said at the time if he could not make me happy, then he was happy someone else could, and moved aside.

He did the all the paperwork for the divorce and saved a fortune as no lawyer was involved. He let me take whatever I wanted, no argument about properties or any other material possessions. It was all very amicable.

We remain close to this day, and I am eternally grateful for his generosity and big heart.

It may sound very silly to have emotional attachment to a car, however, I did, and hung on to her until way past her usefulness. The amount of money I spent on keeping her on the road was sufficient to buy myself a new car in the same if not better specification.

I did over 200k+ miles in her since I had her from new in 2002, and she finally went to car heaven in 2017. The total amount required to have her fixed was over 2k+ GBP, which included replacement of her ECU and catalytic converter, when she was only fit for scrap.

The ECU went first, and when the CAT blew shortly afterwards. When the CAT blew, it was as if she was telling me to let her go. So I did. I did shed some tears when she was loaded onto a truck to be taken for scrap. I swore I would never be emotional attached to another car again.

I had many photos and happy memories with that car, and the new cars I had since have yet to match the joy and excitement I had with her. Silly, I know.

All in all, I believe I am relatively lucky in not having to make too many difficult decisions so far.

DK

 

[Calliecake]

@Daisys and Diamonds , I’m going to post something that I am hoping will help ease your mind a little bit. If none of what I’m about to write is helpful to you, please ignore it and know these are just my thoughts.

My FIL died of Alzheimer’s many years ago. In the last few weeks of his life he was unable to swallow anymore. The doctors and hospice person had a meeting with our family asking if we wanted him to have a feeding tube. FIL had Alzheimer’s for over 10 years and didn’t know his family for over two years. In the meeting I was very upset and made the comment that not feeding him seemed very cruel to me. The doctor and the hospice person explained that not feeding him would make his death less painful and easier for my FIL. They also left a 15 page document detailing and explaining this.

After reading the document I had absolutely no doubt that my FIL would not want the feeding tube. We had many talks when he was first diagnosed and we knew what he wanted. The way he was living at that point was his worst fear. I honestly feel that not giving the feeding tube was honoring his wishes and was an unselfish act of love. I have never felt this isn’t what God would have wanted us to do.

I have only had a few difficult decisions to make in my lifetime. I am extremely grateful for that.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

thank you dear @Calliecake

 

[finerthings]

I just want to reach out and hug everyone that is struggling. You are not alone. Take care.

 

[doberman]

I remember my stepmother telling me that if she hadn't received hormone therapy during menopause she would have gone crazy. I didn't need it. I had such a rough time with my periods that it felt awesome not to have them anymore. No more carb cravings, no more weight fluctuations. Yes I did get a few hot flashes but they paled in comparison to period cramps. I love being hormone free. I have a hx of cancer in my family, so I can't do hormones.

Do what you have to do!

 

[Missy]

I'm with @TooPatient on the pets
as heart breaking as it is one knows when it is time and both times i was probably a little too late on it
when my mother was basically a vegetable at the end with dementia my sister asked me to deside if we should take her off the high quality liquid food that would have gone on sustaining her possibly for another two years, the doctor had spelled out the facts
i made the dsccion
i made it eaiserly at the time
but now i struggle with it
i know that particualar food tasted a lot better than the alternitive that was much less nutritouse and ultimitly not life sustaining
Gary did say at the time i was starving my mother
but my mum was already gone
the parts of her brain that were her were already dead and i like to think in heaven with my dad
it was just all too cruel (the disease)

I struggle with it
i think what would she have done if it were me or my sister?
I worry did i do the right thing by God ?
Where my motivations to ease our own suffering watching mum die a long slow and undignified death she did not deserve ?
or to hasten the actual suffering of mum, having to die this long horrible death ?

I belave its God's right alone to take life
yet i knew we had to take dearest Tibby to the vet earlier this year

Because of my own experience with mum i cast zero judgement on people who think differently on these kind of things
So i do try very hard not to be a hypercritical right winger so no body better take a pot shot at me and bail me into a corner like what happened on the last thread i was brutelly honest in

I know we or rather I didn't kill my mother but technically did we denie her the nesesidies of life ?
I hate to think i starved her because she was a very generouse host and loved to feed people and she very much enjoyed a lovelly meal and a pudding
I think that's it
i hate to think the meal replacement I put her on tasted yucky
I wish i could have tasted it
Gary;s DIL spent some time in ICU and she had had both types of meal replacement and she said one tasted like flour and water glue and one was much much nicer

But In the end even the heart muscle forgets how to work with demetia and my mother finally went to be with my dad, but she hung on like she really didn't want to go
She didn't know we were there, or rather that my sister was there at the end.
She didn't know anything. She remembered nothing of anything or anybody - well maybe her brothers as kids but the memory of her own family, my dad, my sister and I had long ago slipped from her mind
she was just existing and suffering because of that terrible thing
My grandma suffered the same thing but for not nearly as long
My mother had said she did not want to end up like that
My mother would have hated the indignity of it all and also the way demantia made her behave towards people who were trying to help her as their job
Before she became bed ridden demantia had made her violent towards the staff and she told the most terrible lies (lies that maybe she belaved was true which is just too cruel in itselfl)

yet i rearly cry over my mother, but i cry buckets of tears over my dead kitties

Dear Nicky, You not only made a good choice here you made the only humane choice and by doing so showed your true love for your mom. It truly was the best choice you could have made. As for your kitties, yes, the pain can be unbearable. I still cry over my grandma but it's no longer every day or every week even. But I am still crying over Francesca daily. I miss her so much and she was young. But I digress.

Just wanted to chime in here to say the choice you made was the kindest most loving choice of all.
I am very sorry for all the heartache and loss you have endured. Life is a challenging road. We are better off for knowing you Nicky. ((((Hugs)))).

 

[Missy]

I remember my stepmother telling me that if she hadn't received hormone therapy during menopause she would have gone crazy. I didn't need it. I had such a rough time with my periods that it felt awesome not to have them anymore. No more carb cravings, no more weight fluctuations. Yes I did get a few hot flashes but they paled in comparison to period cramps. I love being hormone free. I have a hx of cancer in my family, so I can't do hormones.

Do what you have to do!

I am glad you found what works for you. Have you had a DXA? I would recommend if you have not to consider getting one. Once we lose estrogen our bones deteriorate.
I highly recommend the book Estrogen Matters.
And yes, we do what we have to do and what works best for the each of us.
Wishing you good health always.

 

[Missy]

It may sound grim, however, I firmly believe we treat our pets better in that respect, in that we can choose to end their lives to ease their suffering.

Agree 100% @dk168
We are more humane to our pets than to humans.
Euthanasia should be legal in every state, city and country.
Suffering without the potential for recovery is cruel and unnecessary.

 

[Missy]

Most of the traditionally tough choices have been easy for me. Every cat and dog I have had to decide to help pass comfortably were in situations where we had tried all we could and there was nearly zero chance of them ever improving. They were painful calls to make, but not what I would call tough. When I had to select a medicine withy specialist, I looked at the options and made the decision that I would be okay with this one but the others recommended were not things I would be willing to take. Easy choice.

Walking away from my father's side of the family for nearly 15 years was tough. I knew it needed to happen. They were so unhealthy for me! But they were family. Five years later and I have limited contact with two people including very rare text messages with my father (the other tough decision here being allowing this limited contact). Do I regret it? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It just depends on the day and if I have heard from either lately and if I see the silence as good or hurtful.

What are the good and bad of both options? What is the consequence to prioritizing one or the other? Can they adjust your hormone meds a bit? If so, what other health risks may that bring? Can you try to find different skin care? Maybe someone who works with small batch natural products? I have a lady near me who makes soaps and serums specially for people with different needs and is aware of many issues with the commercial products. Maybe you have someone like her around? (Or maybe you want to reach out to the lady in my area?) Having awful skin myself, I understand the pain of this happening again and I remember your struggles to find the right stuff before. I hope whatever you decide is less of a struggle than you are fearing and leads to a healthy balance that keeps your entire body healthy.

Dear @TooPatient often tough choices are clear choices but it makes them no less tough. For all our furry babies the choice was clear but challenging. When it is time we know it is time but the pain, the heartache no less. Why are our furry babies lives so short? What cruel joke of life is this?

Yeah thanks for brainstorming and asking the questions.
My bones have greatly improved.
Because of the estradiol.
I have done many other things to help them but the greatest improvement is because of the estradiol no question.
The pimples have mostly gone for now.
My main concern is the bleeding.
I saw my endocrinologist yesterday and while he has no answers for me how to stop it he feels I need to discontinue it if I cannot figure it out. Every day, week, month that I continue to bleed puts me at risk for endometrial cancer.


But the thought of being crippled with broken vertebrae is greater perhaps than my fear of you know what.
There are no clear answers here.
But I am continuing to fight and trying to figure it out.
I will know when I have no other options.
Right now I am not feeling I am at that point.
Yet. And I hope I can finally figure it out.

I see other girls. BMI too low. With other risk factors.
And I worry. About strangers. If I know you IRL I have already talked to you about this.
Because I know what lies ahead.
And I dont want any woman to suffer needlessly.

There is treatment and there is prevention.
Before one fractures.
I urge every single woman here who is over 40 to get a baseline DXA.
Or even younger than 40.
Even if you have to pay out of pocket.

A baseline DXA (while one has relatively stronger bones) is an important piece of info.
To guide you in the future.
I have a thread about it so will stop talking about it here.

I will add one thing. To the person who is reading here who once responded in another thread that her doctor told her there was nothing she could do because she was thin, caucasian etc. He/She was WRONG. There is much you can do. That doctor gave you bad information. Period. And the DXA when done correctly by a skilled tech/doctor is accurate. That is your wake up call. If you are reading I hope you take this to heart. You and I are not friends but I only wish the best for you and do not want you to suffer an OP break.

Thanks to all who have shared their experiences.
Big hugs to all of my friends here.

 

[TooPatient]

Dear @TooPatient often tough choices are clear choices but it makes them no less tough. For all our furry babies the choice was clear but challenging. When it is time we know it is time but the pain, the heartache no less. Why are our furry babies lives so short? What cruel joke of life is this?

Yeah thanks for brainstorming and asking the questions.
My bones have greatly improved.
Because of the estradiol.
I have done many other things to help them but the greatest improvement is because of the estradiol no question.
The pimples have mostly gone for now.
My main concern is the bleeding.
I saw my endocrinologist yesterday and while he has no answers for me how to stop it he feels I need to discontinue it if I cannot figure it out. Every day, week, month that I continue to bleed puts me at risk for endometrial cancer.


But the thought of being crippled with broken vertebrae is greater perhaps than my fear of you know what.
There are no clear answers here.
But I am continuing to fight and trying to figure it out.
I will know when I have no other options.
Right now I am not feeling I am at that point.
Yet. And I hope I can finally figure it out.

I see other girls. BMI too low. With other risk factors.
And I worry. About strangers. If I know you IRL I have already talked to you about this.
Because I know what lies ahead.
And I dont want any woman to suffer needlessly.

There is treatment and there is prevention.
Before one fractures.
I urge every single woman here who is over 40 to get a baseline DXA.
Or even younger than 40.
Even if you have to pay out of pocket.

A baseline DXA (while one has relatively stronger bones) is an important piece of info.
To guide you in the future.
I have a thread about it so will stop talking about it here.

I will add one thing. To the person who is reading here who once responded in another thread that her doctor told her there was nothing she could do because she was thin, caucasian etc. He/She was WRONG. There is much you can do. That doctor gave you bad information. Period. And the DXA when done correctly by a skilled tech/doctor is accurate. That is your wake up call. If you are reading I hope you take this to heart. You and I are not friends but I only wish the best for you and do not want you to suffer an OP break.

Thanks to all who have shared their experiences.
Big hugs to all of my friends here.

A bit extreme, but have you considered a hysterectomy? Even a partial? Something like ovary sparing maybe? I hate to suggest it, but given there seriousness of bone issues it might be an option worth looking into.

ETA: just saw your other thread. One day I will learn to browse before commenting

 

[doberman]

I am glad you found what works for you. Have you had a DXA? I would recommend if you have not to consider getting one. Once we lose estrogen our bones deteriorate.
I highly recommend the book Estrogen Matters.
And yes, we do what we have to do and what works best for the each of us.
Wishing you good health always.

Yes I have, I am small, light and white with a great grandmother who had a hunchback. Unsurprisingly I came back with a light degree of osteopenia. I was not happy. My son is now lecturing me on what I must do and eat lol. But I couldn't have done any hormone replacement since cancer runs rampant on my father's side. Much too risky.

 

[yssie]

It may sound grim, however, I firmly believe we treat our pets better in that respect, in that we can choose to end their lives to ease their suffering.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[Missy]

Yes I have, I am small, light and white with a great grandmother who had a hunchback. Unsurprisingly I came back with a light degree of osteopenia. I was not happy. My son is now lecturing me on what I must do and eat lol. But I couldn't have done any hormone replacement since cancer runs rampant on my father's side. Much too risky.

Please read the book Estrogen Matters. It was written by a highly regarded oncologist. There are options.

 

[stepcutnut]

@missy I was just reading about your HRT challenges and am sorry you are going through this. Have you looked into vibration therapy for osteoporosis, if so what are your thoughts on this?

 

[Missy]

@missy I was just reading about your HRT challenges and am sorry you are going through this. Have you looked into vibration therapy for osteoporosis, if so what are your thoughts on this?

I have. Basically it’s not for me. Could increase the risk for retinal detachments and I also have metal in my left leg. I wouldn’t risk it. Thanks though. I always appreciate input and advice and sharing.

 

[stepcutnut]

@missy I am glad it is something you have already explored, I have not looked into anything about it, but remembered it was an option that was given to a family member.

 

[Diamond Girl 21]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs and healing vibes.❤