To Go or Not To Go

[October2008bride]

Date: 12/11/2007 2:45:25 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Okay, well one of my girlfriends has a completely different point of view.
Wonder if this trumps my initial uncertainty for not going.

By the way, my boyfriend is flip flopping the decision based on all the points I've made. Our company is 500+ employees.

She says I should go. Claiming, if I do not go and he goes alone what message is he sending? That I'm not important in his life? Perhaps this is just their exact worry - this relationship will come and go and perhaps a complicated ending results: considering we both work here. Then they (executives) have no reason to take 'us' seriously because obviously I'm not important enough to him where he's bringing me to this invitational.

By bringing me he's making the statement - yes we are together, yes we intend to stay together, yes she is my significant other, no this isn't a flingy thing and please accept her as my guest and my partner and not as your assistant.

I am a "don't go" person.

I agree with Mara that it is weird that you weren't invited based on your position anyways, but considering your boss didn't invite you AND knows you are the SO of an exec who WAS invited, that only supports my feeling that you shouldn't go.

I don't think that your SO going alone shows that you aren't serious etc. I think it is respecting the fact that your boss is turning the so-called 'blind eye' to the fact that you are dating (especially since he has confidentiality concerns).

Hopefully if he goes alone, someone will say "Where's Starset?" and he can say 'oh I wasn't sure if I was allowed to bring a date' (or something along those lines). Of course, they'll say, you should have brought her!

Now you have the free and clear going forward.

However, if your boss is still uncomfortable, I honestly don't think an intimate party at his house is the right time to stand your ground.

JMO - hope it helps!


ETA: Clearly I didn't read all the replies. haha DITTO to what everyone else is saying!

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/11/2007 2:48:19 PM
Author: janinegirly
well see that''s where i see it different. i don''t think a corporate event is the place to make a statement on your personal life. if this was a family/friend event, then i''d I see the point.


but the work place is not the appropriate forum to make a statement on who you''re with or not with. The statment your bf would be making by going alone is that he''s there to fulfill a corporate social obligation and not mixing personal with business. Many office parties do not allow significant others at all for this very reason.

I agree with Janine. I wouldn''t go for the main reason that you weren''t invited. I think it''s a shame that you weren''t especially as you work so closely with the president, but as he didn''t, I really wouldn''t go. Maybe wait until next year and see what the situation is then.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I wouldn''t go if I were you because you weren''t invited but you should have been. Hopefully your boss will get asked enough times that the light bulb will go on and he will see where he screwed up. I also reccomend your BF simply say you were not invited when asked. It makes you look good for not going, it makes him look good for respecting your boss''s wishes and it makes your boss look like the idiot he seems to be.

 

[zoebartlett]

I haven''t yet read all of the replies but I wouldn''t go. I wouldn''t use the party as a statement of your relationship. I do think it''s kind of weird that your boyfriend was invited but you weren''t, especially if all the other exec''s significant others were invited. It sounds to me like your boss is thinking of you as "only" the assistant, which isn''t right or fair. If I were you, I''d just wait until next year and see what happens.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/11/2007 12:33:33 PM
Author: Ellen
Another, I wouldn''t go THIS year. If you''re together next time, by all means go.

Yep - agree.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/11/2007 1:28:37 PM
Author: crown1
i would not go. under the circumstances you mention i would not attend in the future either. if i knew i was not invited personally i would not consider attending as someone''s guest. the only time i would consider going would be if i got a personal invite or if i was no longer employed there and was the wife or was engaged to an invited guest.

I agree with this.

Keep in mind that none of the spouses/guests of the other execs have any other relationship with the company itself. You do. That makes it sticky.

If you are no longer employed there at some future point and still dating exec, then I think it would be fine.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

It is not that you were excluded - it is that he was included. If he was invited with a SO then you are it [if you are not the SO or the SO''s were excluded, then you should not go]. If you are a serious couple then you should go. If not, you should stay home.

Just my $.02

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/11/2007 2:45:25 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Okay, well one of my girlfriends has a completely different point of view.
Wonder if this trumps my initial uncertainty for not going.

By the way, my boyfriend is flip flopping the decision based on all the points I''ve made. Our company is 500+ employees.

She says I should go. Claiming, if I do not go and he goes alone what message is he sending? That I''m not important in his life? Perhaps this is just their exact worry - this relationship will come and go and perhaps a complicated ending results: considering we both work here. Then they (executives) have no reason to take ''us'' seriously because obviously I''m not important enough to him where he''s bringing me to this invitational.

By bringing me he''s making the statement - yes we are together, yes we intend to stay together, yes she is my significant other, no this isn''t a flingy thing and please accept her as my guest and my partner and not as your assistant.

I honestly disagree with your GF''s point of view. If you don''t go and he goes along, he isn''t sending ANY message about your importance in his life or lack thereof.

Those who know you are dating will respect that he''s being discrete. Those who don''t know you''re dating won''t get any message at all, positive or negative.

I have more than a passing basis for my comments. My (now) husband and I work for the same 200+ person company. I''ve been there 11 years; he''s been there 9. We began dating 5.5 years ago (company was only about 120 employees big then), and despite the fairly active gossip mill, we managed to keep a lid on it. It trickled out very slowly, over time.

We began dating in July 02; we didn''t go to the holiday party that year. We became engaged the following year in November 03; by then, half of the company still weren''t aware of our relationship and were quite surprised by our engagement announcement. LOL.

For context, our company has a fairly rich history of marriages between employees - I think we were the 7th couple.

Despite all of this, we JUST attended our company holiday party as a couple this year for the first time this past weekend. We could have done so long before then, but we really felt as though we wanted to keep our ''social'' relationship separate from work and didn''t want anyone to be uncomfortable. At this stage, we''ve been married 3.5 years and no one gives that a second thought, so it wouldn''t seem odd for people to see us together at the party.

 

[E B]

Don't go.

I would think that if he knew you and your BF were dating, invited your BF, and is allowing guests to bring their SOs, he would have just invited you outright. But he didn't, which could mean a lot of things, none of which you should "test". If you like your job, that is.

It's just one night.

 

[musey]

All "statement" issues aside, honestly, it really does just sound "complicated." Have a nice evening at home, all the while reminding yourself how nice it is not to have to stress about work/dating drama. It's kinda lame that you weren't invited (as an individual), but that's your boss's prerogative, I suppose.

It's just a party. I'm with aljdewey on the fact that not going doesn't say anything about your relationship. It's not like going alone a college frat party where everyone is clearly there to find someone to hook up with. It's an office party. Him being there alone doesn't signify that he's "on the prowl."

My FI goes to outings/parties/etc. alone all the time. As do I. It doesn't mean our relationship is meaningless and not permanent just because we aren't glued to each other's sides at all times.

 

[Linda W]

I agree with all the others not to go, but to wait until next year.

AJ, I also met my husband at work and we have been married almost 27 years.

Linda

 

[crown1]

i'd just let nature take it's course. good luck!

 

[Erin]

Okay, this morning the Pres had me make up a ''valet route.'' Most every executive lives in this town or at least nearby and he is having a service pick everyone up at their homes. Since my bf lives out by the golf course, you can imagine so do a lot of other execs - so that will be one main route. The Pres has on his list next to my bf''s name a (2) just like everyone elses. So that I can correctly accommodate the number of people in each vehicle.

Could it be possible that he is expecting me to go?

It''s not going to hurt anything if I don''t go - that''s the safest decision in the end anyway. I don''t know why I care so much.

 

[butterfly 17]

Hi,
Since you are responsible for the valet list and your boss put a 2 next to BF's name, can't you just ask your boss how he would feel if you went to the party? I probably would just do that.

I mean, you do work with him and speak to him on an every day basis and you are planning the valet list, so why not ask him what the deal is.

ETA: My husband gets invited to two Christmas parties every year, a "big Boss" party and a family party and he has been working at his job now 15+ years. I have never been to either party and he has never asked me if I wanted to come either. The same goes for my job parties, we have a few every year and the ones that I have gone to, I have never brought my husband. I guess we're just odd!!

 

[janinegirly]

sorry to say, but it kinda seems like you WANT to go and are ignoring general consensus.

Seems to me that (2) next to the bf name is standard since he was invited with a guest like everyone else. The boss is not making any assumptions or sending subtle signals. He still did not invite you as an employee and you showing up might still send a bad message in my opinion. Seriously this is a company party for executives, not a referendum on your relationship or what your co-workers/boss thinks about it!

On the other hand, if you really want to go and do end up going, I'm sure it'll be fine since they seem to know you're an item, but if you're asking what would be the most "approrpriate" thing to do would be, it would be to pass for now and let it be.

 

[Erin]

Date: 12/12/2007 10:30:26 AM
Author: janinegirly
sorry to say, but it kinda seems like you WANT to go and are ignoring general consensus.

Seriously, it''s not that I WANT to go. My boyfriend doesn''t understand why I''m not comfortable going, and wants me to go.

He asked, what would you hope I tell people why you''re not there? I said just tell them I wasn''t invited. He responds, but you are invited. I invited you. Then I tried to explain the general consensus here - which I have a hard time putting it succinctly - and he says, if you''re not comfortable going, that''s okay, it''s just that I think you''re making a mountain out of a molehill with this whole ''not invited'' thing.

 

[saltymuffin]

It is really hard to tell, but it sounds like your boss is a real "boss" kind of guy. I don''t think he wants you there. Knowing who your BF is, I think he would have said something to you about it if he did. Like "well I guess you''ll be coming to the Christmas Party this year with . . .". He hasn''t. I wouldn''t go for a couple of reasons.

1. You weren''t invited and wouldn''t have any sort of option if you weren''t dating who you are dating.
2. It doesn''t sound like a great time. I wouldn''t want to be at a Party with my boss and his cronies.
3. It doesn''t sound like your boss wants you there - this could lead to unconfortable situations in the future. Your boss may not be happy with the two of you dating for exactly this type of reason. Don''t give him more reasons to be unhappy with you as an employee.
4. I wouldn''t want to risk any jelousy or friction with my co-workers who weren''t invited.

Honestly, I think the classiest route would be for neither of you to go, but your BF might not be up for this - is he expected to go? I mean it is only a stupid xmas party, isn''t it easier not to go than cause potential problems?

 

[laine]

As I just read through this thread, I was firmly on the other side with the "don''t go this year" crowd. But, as I''ve gotten to the end, I''ve switched sides. I think your BF is right, you were invited, as his guest. Sure, you didn''t receive your own invitation (which you could have, as an employee), but you did receive one with your BF. The other wives and GFs didn''t get their own, they got the same "and guest" that you did (or maybe names). What did the actual invite say? "BF and guest" or was it verbal or what?

Anyway, if boss knows you are dating, and has invited the BF with a guest, he has to know its going to be you. I might go with the suggestion someone else made that BF casually ask Boss "hey, you''re ok with me bringing Startset, right?

 

[saltymuffin]

You posted at the same time as me!

It sounds like your BF doesn''t get it. I would tell him that you don''t think {bosses name} wants you there. If he did, he would have invited you himself, or at least indicated that he was looking forward to seeing you there.

Now, it is always possible that the night of the party, your boss might say something like "see you tonight!", and totally throw you!

 

[janinegirly]

some other things I came up with that might bolster up the "don''t go" argument:

1)Are other executive assistants invited? If not, it''s going to create gossip and resentment. Regardliess of the technicalties of him being invited to bring a guest.

2)Has your bf worked there a long time--meaning was his ex-wife part of these corporate functions in the past? If so, that''s another area for discomfort for the other execs, and possibly, their wives.

It seems a lot easier to explain why you''re not there ("she had another event") than to deal with the unspoken messages it might send or friction, gossip, discomfort, politics it could create. Maybe it won''t do any of that, but it''s best to play it safe ESPECIALLY when it comes to work.

 

[Erin]

Date: 12/12/2007 11:02:23 AM
Author: saltymuffin
Now, it is always possible that the night of the party, your boss might say something like ''see you tonight!'', and totally throw you!

Laughing - totally his style. To not say a darn thing all leading up to it and then at 4:45 say Hey, could you pick up some ice cream for the party tonight? My wife totally forgot...

 

[crown1]

your boss is one concern and his wife is another. i don''t know what kind of relationship is there but you would be going to her home and she is a consideration. if i thought she would not be on board with his assistant being there i would think twice about showing up no matter who extended me an invite.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/12/2007 10:47:57 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Seriously, it's not that I WANT to go. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I'm not comfortable going, and wants me to go.

He asked, what would you hope I tell people why you're not there?

How about a classy stab at the truth:

"I know most of you know that I'm dating SP, but we weren't sure if her attendance at this type of a gathering would be considered inappropriate because of her role at the company. We didn't want anyone else to be uncomfortable, so we decided to err on the side of caution this time. If we know that everyone would be comfortable on a future event, I'd love to bring her."

I have to admit, other gals brought up a great point about potential resentment from other non-exec types at your office. While it may be 'technically' correct that you should be entitled to go due to your relationship with exec, that doesn't mean they won't resent your entree into an event they are excluded from.

That may change the way others treat you. It's not right, but it's often what happens. I'd tread reeeeeeeeeeally carefully in that zone. For me, a single night event wouldn't be worth it.

 

[Mrs in CA]

Date: 12/12/2007 12:18:11 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 12/12/2007 10:47:57 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Seriously, it''s not that I WANT to go. My boyfriend doesn''t understand why I''m not comfortable going, and wants me to go.

He asked, what would you hope I tell people why you''re not there?

How about a classy stab at the truth:

''I know most of you know that I''m dating SP, but we weren''t sure if her attendance at this type of a gathering would be considered inappropriate because of her role at the company. We didn''t want anyone else to be uncomfortable, so we decided to err on the side of caution this time. If we know that everyone would be comfortable on a future event, I''d love to bring her.''

I have to admit, other gals brought up a great point about potential resentment from other non-exec types at your office. While it may be ''technically'' correct that you should be entitled to go due to your relationship with exec, that doesn''t mean they won''t resent your entree into an event they are excluded from.

That may change the way others treat you. It''s not right, but it''s often what happens. I''d tread reeeeeeeeeeally carefully in that zone. For me, a single night event wouldn''t be worth it.

I agree with Aljd on this one. I think the most professional way to go would be for you to have a conversation with your Boss about it. You could say something like this:

"It is important it is to me that you and I have a comfortable professional relationship and to that end, I''ve preferred to keep my personal life to myself in our communications with one another; however, given your pending Christmas party, I’m struggling with how to continue to do that. As you may or may not be aware, [BF] and I have been seeing each other for quite some time now. He and I have tried very hard to keep our personal relationship to ourselves since we recognize that it may be distracting to others. So too, we have kept our personal and professional lives separate as much as possible since we very much respect the individuals roles that we have in this company and those roles have nothing to do with our personal relationship. So with that being said and since I value your opinion immensely and I would never wish to offend you, I wanted to touch base with you to learn your perspective on my attending your party as his date. Please understand that I would happily attend if you feel it would be appropriate and I would be equally comfortable not attending if you feel I should not. What do you think?"

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 12/13/2007 7:03:02 PM
Author: Mrs in CA

Date: 12/12/2007 12:18:11 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 12/12/2007 10:47:57 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Seriously, it's not that I WANT to go. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I'm not comfortable going, and wants me to go.

He asked, what would you hope I tell people why you're not there?

How about a classy stab at the truth:

'I know most of you know that I'm dating SP, but we weren't sure if her attendance at this type of a gathering would be considered inappropriate because of her role at the company. We didn't want anyone else to be uncomfortable, so we decided to err on the side of caution this time. If we know that everyone would be comfortable on a future event, I'd love to bring her.'

I have to admit, other gals brought up a great point about potential resentment from other non-exec types at your office. While it may be 'technically' correct that you should be entitled to go due to your relationship with exec, that doesn't mean they won't resent your entree into an event they are excluded from.

That may change the way others treat you. It's not right, but it's often what happens. I'd tread reeeeeeeeeeally carefully in that zone. For me, a single night event wouldn't be worth it.

I agree with Aljd on this one. I think the most professional way to go would be for you to have a conversation with your Boss about it. You could say something like this:



'It is important it is to me that you and I have a comfortable professional relationship and to that end, I've preferred to keep my personal life to myself in our communications with one another; however, given your pending Christmas party, I’m struggling with how to continue to do that. As you may or may not be aware, [BF] and I have been seeing each other for quite some time now. He and I have tried very hard to keep our personal relationship to ourselves since we recognize that it may be distracting to others. So too, we have kept our personal and professional lives separate as much as possible since we very much respect the individuals roles that we have in this company and those roles have nothing to do with our personal relationship. So with that being said and since I value your opinion immensely and I would never wish to offend you, I wanted to touch base with you to learn your perspective on my attending your party as his date. Please understand that I would happily attend if you feel it would be appropriate and I would be equally comfortable not attending if you feel I should not. What do you think?'

i really love the wording but i would absolutely not say anything to the boss! he's already uncomfortable with the relationship. why rub his face in it make him say something you both might regret? imo, you're asking him to help you make a personal decision about your off hours which inappropriate unless you are best buds [which if you were you'd have been invited]. sorry, but he is the boss and you are the assistant. the conversation you should be having is with your BF: honey, i really appreciate that you don't understand why i'm not going to be going with you but the best i can explain is that i value my job and my relationship with my boss. this is a professional decision i've made and while i know you find it hard to understand, please respect my decision. then send him on his way to the party. if the boss asks where his date is for the evening, he can just say decided to attend alone for personal reasons. and then let it be. he doesn't owe anyone an explanation. besides, he's a big boy now and should be able to handle something like this.

like it or not there is a corporate structure no matter how big or small the company. if you are uncomfortable making plans for his private affairs and you are not paid to be a personal assistant, then have the appropriate conversation with mr boss. if you enjoy making personal arrangements for him but just don't like not being invited, then that is a personal problem.

under no circumstances would i go to a party that the boss had me plan unless i rec'd a personal invitation. if in doubt because s/he has acted like i would be there, i'd clarify my capacity: guest or go-for.

if this BF won't accept your not going, then perhaps he's not the BF for you. this is your job and your livelihood. how would you feel if you go to please him, end up injurying your working relationship with your boss, and then break up with him?! not worth it, imo.

movie zombie